by H. J. Bellus
“You will smell this shirt, and you will like it. Then, woman, you’re gonna make me chicken pot pie,” Miles says as he straddles my lap.
Between giggles, I manage to get out, “You’re in a good mood.”
The shrilling sound of his cell phone saves my ass.
“You better get that,” I plead with him.
“You will rub this shirt on your crotch, woman. One day you will, I promise you that,” he says with a devilish little wink.
Miles hops up off the bed, grabs his phone, and heads for the shower. His blue jeans hang dangerously low on his hips. The top of his butt crack is peeking out as if to taunt me. I just giggle to myself and mindlessly grab his shirt that lies in my lap and bury my face in it. That smell. Miles. The man who saved me from me. He has dried up all my hidden tears, put my nightmares to rest, and made me feel again with his love. With one last inhale of his shirt, I realize that I am home and truly happy. Just as my tears of unabashed joy threaten to fall, I hear Miles coming back down the hall.
It’s something in his eyes that makes me feel completely lost in his heart and soul. He took the chance of his life by bringing me home. It’s his personal hell, but it’s all he has, and I know deep down he’s proud of the little bits of his childhood he has left to share with me, like Wynnie.
“Smell good, baby? Did I miss the crotch action?” he questions with the biggest grin on his face.
“Miles,” I yell, pretending to be utterly horrified.
I don’t throw the shirt at him this time. I take it from my face and hold it to my heart, and whisper the word “Mine” to him.
“Crazy girl,” he says, and heads for that damn shower finally.
A rusty old lunch box catches my attention as I daydream about playing with a wet and slippery Miles. Without thinking, I walk across the room and plop down right in front of it. I sit cross-legged on the floor and place the beaten up Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunchbox in my lap. This has Miles written all over it. I pop open the cold latch to find a box of rusty cars, old fortunes, and notes. The papers are filled with little Miles’ handwriting, and the poor cars are beyond battered. These must be the cars he told me about collecting. It brings a sad smile to my face, just picturing kid Miles searching sandlots for endless hours in the hopes of finding a buried Matchbox car.
I mindlessly reach for one of his notes, and unfold the delicate piece of paper.
I AM TANKFUL FER
-my mumma
-my kars
-my stumuch
-my hous
Tears start to pour down my cheeks as I read Miles’ list of thanks. He had nothing growing up, but it didn’t stop him from growing into the most beautiful, loving man I have ever met. Even as a child, he was thankful for his pathetic excuse of a mother. I reach into the rusting little box for the letter. This gem was written for Santa.
Dear Santa
Mumma said you won’t get this because you are not real. I’m in the 3rd grade now, and I still believe in you. I only want two things this xmas. I want my mumma to stay away from Steve and I want Miss Bella’s shugar cookies.
Miles
PS—Santa keep my mumma safe.
My heart hurts for the little boy who wrote these letters. It aches for the little boy that I have watched down orange juice from the carton in his tighty whities, and eat Cap’n Crunch in bed. And my heart is definitely and absolutely shattered for the little boy who still collects fortunes and beat up Matchbox cars. I have never fully been able to understand his infatuation with living his childhood dream until now. I also never understood his obsession with fortunes and Matchbox cars. I get it all now. They were his lifeline. His little pieces of hope to fight for a safe and happy life. He was fighting to become the man he is today. He was fighting to come save me.
My fingers snag one lone fortune in the corner of the box. The front reads, “All your dreams will come true.” On the back of the paper, Miles wrote,
My dreams will come true. Miles
Miles’ voice breaks into my trance. “Hey, crazy, will you bring me the soap? I think it’s in the bag on the bed.”
My eyes instantly flip up to the bag of miscellaneous stuff we bought at the store earlier. I’ll never understand the love he holds for his mom. The thing is I don’t need to. He never tried to understand my love, hurt, and anger towards the world and myself. He was just there. He held my hand and healed me. It’s now that I realize my Miles needs more happy memories in this trailer.
I strip down naked and take one look into the cracked mirror. And I smile. I smile for the first time in a long time at myself. The smile makes me laugh and the beautiful sound of my laughter makes me once again love myself. It’s simple. He has made me beautiful again.
“Willow, are you dead?” Miles hollers from the bathroom.
Then I really laugh. I give myself one more long look, and smile. Scooping up the bag from the bed and Miles’ nasty shirt, I head for the bathroom. I manage to slide it on over my head as I walk to the end of my rainbow. My pot of gold named Miles.
Miles is standing at the sink trimming up his scruff when I walk in with the bag. I set the bag on the counter and then jump up on it.
“Willow, are you okay?” he asks with clear concern covering his face.
“No,” I reply.
Miles starts to further question the situation when I place my fingers over his lips. The feeling of his soft lips on my fingers makes me audibly moan. I grab both sides of his face and smile again.
“I’m smiling. I’m beautiful. And I’m in fucking love with you, Miles.”
I let go of his face and reach for the hem of his shirt I am wearing. Miles instantly reaches down and covers his hand with mine, and then starts to slowly shake his head no. I only reply with moving my head in an up and down motion. Miles lets his hand fall away, and I pull off his shirt with a smile.
Staring into his eyes, I speak the words that started us, “Just hold my hand, Miles.”
Miles grabs both sides of my face, rests his forehead on mine, and lets his tears fall.
Chapter 15
Scars
Willow
Cree and Milly finally arrive at The Shop after what seems an eternity of waiting. I had made my decision to stand by Miles. He was my future and had every right to be in my life. Miles suffered just as Milly did at the hand of their mother and doesn’t deserve to be abandoned because of it. In fact, he suffered worse because he didn’t have anyone rescue him. He had to fight for everything tooth and nail. And he still has the decency to be there for his dying mother.
We all sit down at a small table in the corner and I set the ground rules for this conversation.
“Cree, listen up. Miles has something to share with us, and you will sit there and listen. You WILL NOT say a word or throw a punch. Do you understand me? And if you choose to do so, I’ll be walking out of your life forever and will never look back.”
The whole time I have my eyes locked on my brother’s while standing hunched over the table. My voice never wavers or cracks with fear because this time I mean it. Nothing will stop me from being with Miles, not even my brother.
“Wils, what the hell is going on? I’m not gonna promise anything like that, especially when it has to do with my family. Get real.”
“I’m not fucking around, Cree. You better be careful because you’ll lose me,” I seethe and then take a seat next to Miles.
My hand finds his and clutches it in reassurance. I know what he’s about to tell Milly and it’s bound to get ugly real fast. The only thing I have to offer is my hand in a show of support. His large, calloused hand clutches mine right back. In his grip, I can feel all of his pain and hurt surge through as he is about to reveal a huge bombshell. I find myself staring at his Willow infinity tattoo on his wrist that he got on the way home from our trip yesterday. I then remember my matching Miles infinity tattoo, the ink that will bond us together forever though all of our scars and fears.
“Miles,
go ahead and say what you need to,” Milly offers.
Miles draws in a deep breath.
“Milly, I came here for a reason, and it was you. In the process, I fell in love with Willow, but I never forgot why I came here. I’m your brother.”
All the air is immediately sucked out of The Shop as Miles’ words nail Milly in the heart. Cree tenses up and is ready to kill. My eyes plead with him to sit the fuck down and listen to Miles. Cree sits back and only tends to Milly, who is now a shade of pale green.
“What? You can’t be. Poppy never said…”
“I’m your brother. My mom is Sarah,” Miles whispers.
He drops his head in a sorrowful defeat. This really hurt him to expose the truth to Milly. He hates his mom for leaving Milly and never going back to get her. He lived the past and all the stories his mom told him. I grab for his chin and tilt it up, so he’s looking into my eyes. His eyes are now filling with tears and ready to overflow.
“Get out,” Milly whispers, not looking Miles in the eyes.
Cree stands up and takes over the situation. He goes to grab for my arm to drag me onto his side in some act of valiant bravery and standing his ground for his wife. I know that her past is ugly, but Miles lived far worse than Milly. No one saved him. He saved himself by living off of crumbs, fighting, and taking care of his worst enemy, his mom. Fuck Cree and fuck his chauvinistic asshole idea of protecting Milly. She has had protection on her side her whole life. It was now time to offer protection to Miles. I instantly whip my arm from Cree’s grasp.
“Get the fuck out,” Cree roars again.
“Willow, let’s go. You don’t need this trash in your life one minute longer,” Milly whispers.
My jaw instantly drops to the floor, tears leak out of my eyes at the hurtful words towards my Miles.
“He’s mine. He will always be mine. He deserves me,” I whisper.
My eyes are boring holes into my brother’s. I won’t stand down to him this time. I feel Miles begin to move, and I hear the chair screech that he was sitting in. Without thinking, I grab his hand, and he tries to pull away. This is the moment my heart truly breaks.
Miles is pulling away, retreating, going back to his hell. My head reacts and grabs both of his arms, and I start to scream, “No! No! No! I fucking love Miles. I will always love him. He has lived through hell. He wasn’t saved, Milly. He had no one but his mother—your mother—who treated him like trash. Who let boyfriends burn him and abuse him. Who sold his body for drug money. Do you want me to keep going, you spoiled, fucking bitch? Uh, does that make you feel better to know? He came here to find you and tell you that his mother is dying, but he accidentally fell in love with Cree’s little failure of a sister. How dare you fucking tell him to leave?”
Miles is holding me back, pinning my arms to my side and whispering the word “stop” over and over in my ear. I violently shake my head back and forth, signaling no, I will not stop. I will not stop fighting for the man I love. Never.
Cree stands up and flings his chair across The Shop, shattering a glass countertop.
I will not stand down. I will not stand down. I will not stand down, I repeat over and over in my head.
“Willow, I think you better take back those words before you never have the chance to take them back,” Cree yells.
“Or what, Cree? You gonna spank me? You going to disown me for falling in love with a man that actually has character, decency, and loves me back? What are you going to fucking do?”
“Yeah, you have a choice. Him or us,” Cree says as he places both fists down on the table and leans in, nose to nose with me, “And let me define us for you, little sister. You choose this bastard and you lose me, Milly, Annie, and Mac. Forever. I can’t speak for Tripp, but I’m pretty sure they’ll side with us. Ball is in your court, little sis.”
Cree pushes off the table so hard that it flies into my thighs. A pinching pain shoots up my legs, but it’s muted by the adrenaline running through my blood. Miles instantly grabs the table and slings it to the side and steps up to Cree.
“Really? You gonna fucking throw a table at your sister? You’re a real fucking man,” Miles seethes into Cree’s face.
Toe to toe. Cree and Miles. I step up to Milly. Toe to toe. Milly and me. I stare deep into her eyes, silently begging for her to give Miles a chance. I need my family and I need Miles. Did Cree really threaten to take away my babies? I reach for Milly’s hand and grab it, squeezing it with all my strength and will for her approval. Milly silently shakes her head no, moving side to side, denying Miles any chance. Denying me a future with him and my family.
I step back from her, and I hear that fucking ding shrill through the shop, but this time my body and mind doesn’t give a fuck who’s stepping in. I barely hear Lacey’s voice in the background as my whole history flashes before my eyes. Momma’s house, Daddy’s rocking chair on the porch, slumber parties with Annie, the sandbox with Mac, working the farm with Cree, my childhood home, my princess dress still hanging in Momma’s closet, Daddy’s cigar box. Just like a fast forward commercial, my life disappears, vanishes, evaporates. Poof! All hell breaks loose.
In slow motion, I can see Cree’s fist flying into the air, landing a blow to Miles’ face. Miles is a fighter and reacts the only way he knows how. I fall to the floor, scrambling to catalogue every last memory of my childhood, of my family, of the lingering scent of my momma in Cree’s house and of my life. Tripp rushes in and pulls Miles off Cree. Cree can barely stand after the trauma of the blows he receives from Miles.
“What in the fuck is going on here?” Tripp demands to know.
Nobody says a word. Lacey is instantly by Milly’s side, wrapping her up and whispering to her. Milly is unable to talk; she only shakes. Tripp throws Miles down and goes to stand by his brother. There it is. Crystal clear. My family. No room for me.
I stand and grab Miles’ hand. My family.
“One more fucking time people, what the fuck is going on?” Tripp roars.
“I was just disowned. Forced to choose between Miles and my family. And it’s so fucking clear how this fairy tale ends,” I say, as I point to the four of them standing united.
“Whoa, Willow…” Tripp starts as he comes closer to me.
I start to shake my head and hold my hand up. “No, Tripp. Miles is Milly’s brother. Cree forced me to decide.” I turn. “Let’s go, baby,” I whisper to Miles.
“Willow, don’t leave. We didn’t know what was going on when we walked in,” Tripp pleads as he looks between everyone in the room.
“It’s over. Write me a check, Cree, and let me see Annie before I leave.”
“I’ll write a check, but you’ll never see Annie again if you leave with him.”
“If I leave? There is no if. Let me see her to just say goodbye.”
Milly steps up in front of Cree. “You will never see my kids again, talk to them, or touch them if you choose him.”
Tripp starts to shake his head and throws his hands up in the air. “Words cut and leave scars. You guys need to stop.”
“Write the check then. Daddy left half of the farm to me and you can’t take that, and I want Momma’s wedding dress.”
With one last ding, I leave behind my brothers, Annie, Rose, and Mac.
***
“You want to shower, baby?”
“Nah, I don’t have the energy. A bath?”
Miles makes his way over to me after setting our bags down.
“Anything for you, baby,” he whispers down into my hair.
“I know I’m stinky, but can you just hold me for a while?”
Miles starts to sniff me. Slow at first, then picking up his pace, tickling my neck as he places his nose in my crook and rapid fire sniffs. Uncontrollable giggles start to escape from me as Miles rolls us onto the bed. Lying face to face on our sides, I finally cry.
“Crazy girl, don’t cry. Do you want me to take you back?”
I can only manage to shake my head no throu
gh my wracking sobs and tears.
“I will never hold this against you if you have to go back. I love you and want you to be where you need to be. I mean, I don’t want to let you go, but…”
“It’s just Annie. She’ll think I left her like her real mom. Why did they take her away from me?”
“This was my biggest fear, babe. That they wouldn’t be able to see beyond their anger. I’m so sorry. I fucked this all up. I should have told them when I first came to town.”
“No, you’re wrong about that. You wouldn’t have saved me, wooed me, and held my hand these past months. I never would have experienced my first real love. I wouldn’t change a thing because I have you. It just hurts. Hurts a lot. But the picture was made perfectly clear when Lacey went instantly to Milly. I need my own life. I just don’t fit there anymore. I just want Annie to know—”
Miles cuts in. “She knows. Anyone that has been loved by you knows. Your love is so powerful it is truly unforgettable. They can take you out of Annie’s life, but they’ll never take your love from her.”
“Thank you,” I whisper into his lips.
“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna run to the store, and then start that bath for you.”
Miles undresses me as if I was his own toddler, but in true Miles fashion, he tosses my clothes over his shoulder. And this makes me giggle.
“What? Are you gonna bitch that I’m not folding them for you?”
“No. I love how you never change for anything or anyone. That’s all. Carry on.”
Miles slides my panties down my legs, trailing kisses along the way. He approves of my gesture of lifting my hips to help him.
“I’ll be back in a bit, Crazy,” Miles whispers as he gently kisses my lips while his body covers my naked one.
I take advantage of his position and wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him closer. Miles lifts his head and gives me the famous crooked eyebrow. I grab both sides of his face and whisper, “Just don’t break my heart because you are my everything now.”
