by Jen Wilde
A girl with shiny black hair and a SupaCon T-shirt walks out to the front of the stage, holding a microphone. “Hey, everyone! Welcome to the second and final round of the Queen Firestone SupaFan Contest!”
The crowd goes wild with applause, and I spot Jamie sitting front row center, cheering for me. I grin at him and feel my heart pounding so fast I think it might explode out of my chest and all over the stage.
I look at Brianna, and she looks back at me, smiling.
“We’ve got this,” she says.
CHAPTER 24
CHARLIE
I wake up with Alyssa wrapped around me, her lips softly grazing my back as the sun peeks in behind the curtains. If there was one word to describe this moment, it would be softness. Cuddled together under the marshmallowy soft blankets, our heads sharing one cloudlike pillow.
I’ve always been nonstop. Ever since I was a kid, I hated standing still, sitting still, waiting still. I’m high energy, constantly on the go, moving from one place to another and chasing the next exciting moment. But right now, for the first time in my life, all I want is to be still. I wish this was a video game that I could pause, and just live right here forever.
I never thought that this would happen to me, that I would find a part of me that craves stillness, that appreciates quiet, that lives in the now without thinking about the next.
What is happening here? What is this magic?
I roll over to face her. Her eyes are closed; our noses are almost touching.
I lie still, watching her breathe like it’s the most miraculous thing I’ve ever seen.
This girl.
This girl who talks about art and science and technology like they’re her lovers.
This girl who is kind, confident, smart, and openhearted.
Last night.
Last night, which was fun, free, and full of expression and ecstasy. I felt vulnerable, yet safe. Exposed, yet in control.
This moment.
This moment, which is entirely ours and no one else’s. This, right here between the silky sheets, our legs intertwined, is sacred.
In the very public lives we live, full of illusions and drama and movement, this is private, uncomplicated, and still.
This is real.
Joy rises from somewhere deep inside me and shows itself as a giddy smile. All I want to do is jump up and down on the bed and laugh and scream and dance because I’m just so happy. But I can’t tear my eyes away from her, so I just lie here with her, smiling like an idiot while she sleeps. And soon, my lashes fall and I drift back to sleep by her side.
Some time later, I’m woken up by the sound of “Shake It Off,” T-Swift filling the room with her killer tune.
Alyssa leans out of bed and turns the music off, then rolls over with a groan. “Sorry,” she says with a yawn. “That’s my alarm.”
“You like Taylor Swift?”
She raises an eyebrow. “Doesn’t everyone?”
“Yes. Yes they do.”
She sits up on her elbow and gives me a crooked grin. “Good morning.”
I notice she has the cutest little dimple on her cheek, and I sit up slightly to kiss it. My lips move from her cheek to her mouth, kissing her softly. There’s that word again: softly. Soft and sweet and beautiful. That’s what this is.
I fall back onto the pillow, stretching my arms above my head. “Good morning.”
She cuddles up to me, resting her head on my breast. Her eyes flutter up to mine, looking up at me, dark brown and speckled gold. “You want some breakfast in bed? I can order room service.”
I nod. “That sounds perfect.”
She reaches for the phone on the bedside table and orders us coffee, eggs Florentine, and pancakes. Then she resumes her position on my chest, sliding an arm over my stomach.
I draw hearts on her shoulder with my finger. “What are you doing tonight?”
“SupaCon After-Party,” she says. “You’re going to that, too, yeah?”
“I was going to, but I couldn’t get tickets for Tay and Jamie. I don’t have enough clout for that yet, apparently. I wouldn’t feel right going without them, so we’ll probably have our own little party in the hotel room.”
“Aww, that’s nice of you.” She lifts her chin up and kisses my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. “I gotta go to the after-party. But would it be okay if I swing by your room after?”
“Um, yes. Definitely. You have to meet my BFFs.”
“Cool. You think they’ll like me?”
I laugh. “They already like you. In fact, you’re Tay’s second favorite YouTuber, after me, of course.”
She chuckles. “What are you doing today?”
“Tay is in the final round of the Queen Firestone SupaFan Contest, so I’m gonna go cheer her on and watch her win. What about you?”
“I’ve got press to do, mostly. But I wish I could just stay right here all day.”
I moan in agreement. “Me too.”
* * *
It’s midmorning before I manage to drag myself away from her and go back to the con for Tay’s final round. I borrow one of Alyssa’s baseball caps and tuck my hair under it because I don’t feel like being recognized today.
I arrive at the contest and stand in the doorway, watching from the back.
My phone buzzes.
Alyssa: Miss you already xo
I grin to myself and reply: Miss you. So much xo.
Even though I didn’t get much sleep last night, I feel energized.
Awake.
Alive.
The contestants file onto the stage, with Tay following cautiously at the back. I smile at her even though I know she can’t see me. I chew on my bottom lip. She seems nervous, which isn’t a surprise, but I can see her anxiety forming like a fog around her whole body, and that worries me.
I push through the crowd to get closer, hoping that seeing me here might help boost her confidence. I am unable to get any closer than about halfway to the stage. But I’m close enough to see that her cheeks, neck, and ears are hot pink. Her feet are shuffling back and forth subtly, her knuckles kneading against her palms, her eyes glued to the space in front of her, concentrating on it like she’s trying to figure it out.
“You can do this, Tay,” I whisper.
A tall girl with black hair steps into the middle of the stage, holding a microphone so close to her mouth that I’m sure it must be touching her lips. “Hey, everyone! Welcome to the second and final round of the Queen Firestone SupaFan Contest!”
She starts waving her hands to encourage the audience to cheer, and they clap and shout excitedly. “Congratulations, contestants, on making it to the final round! The winner of the Firestone SupaFan Contest will be dining with Skyler Atkins herself tonight, then be her guest at the überexclusive SupaCon After-Party, and will even be attending the premiere of the next Firestone movie in LA!” The host starts walking down the stage, talking to the contestants. “Here are the rules, so listen carefully. Each of you will be asked a random trivia question based on the Firestone books and movies. You will each have ten seconds to give your answer. If you answer incorrectly, you need to leave the stage immediately. The last person standing is the lucky winner and will be crowned the ultimate Queen Firestone SupaFan!”
I start searching the crowd for Jamie. I don’t see him, but I know he’s here somewhere. He wouldn’t miss Tay’s shining moment for anything. The first question is asked, directed at the first of the ten contestants. Tay is number five, and she uses the time to take a few deep breaths.
Once it starts, it all happens very quickly. Contestants two and three both give wrong answers and are immediately out, leaving the stage as the audience claps for them. When it’s Tay’s turn, she has a big, toothy smile plastered on her face, even though her eyes are wide with fear. I’ve seen her smile like that before, whenever we had to do a presentation or debate at school.
The host asks her question. “What year was the first Firestone book published?”
“In 2004.” Tay’s answer is quiet but quick, and when the host tells her it’s correct she relaxes a little.
Before it’s her turn again, another two contestants have left the stage. The girl beside Taylor reaches out and takes her hand, and I immediately love her. She must be Brianna, the girl Tay told me about. She smiles at Tay as the host asks her question.
“What is Queen Firestone’s first name?”
Brianna jumps a little when she realizes she knows the answer. “Agatha!”
Tay claps for her new friend and then stands very still to hear her own question.
“In which chapter of book one does Agatha Firestone learn that she’s the one true queen?”
“Chapter eighteen.”
“Correct.”
My phone rings; it’s Mandy. I cancel the call and switch my phone to silent.
The questions become increasingly hard, and I get more nervous by the second, so much that I can hardly breathe, but Tay is rocking it. For one fleeting moment, she even stands in superhero pose after answering a question correctly. Soon it’s only Taylor and Brianna left on the stage.
“This is it,” the host says. “Whoever gives the next incorrect answer is out, and the contestant standing is the winner.” She continues to remind everyone of the grand prize, and I wish she would stop. She’s only making Tay shake with nerves. “This is it, girls. One of you will be sharing dinner with Skyler tonight. One of you will be living the dream. Who will it be?”
“Jeez,” I whisper to myself. “No pressure there.”
The guy standing next to me laughs at my sarcastic remark. I glance at him and see a spark of recognition in his eyes, so I pull my cap lower to hide my face.
I’m so immersed in the drama unfolding on the stage that I ignore my phone buzzing in my pocket. But on the fifth call in a row, I pull it out. All the missed calls are from Mandy, plus a voice mail and three texts demanding I call her back. Something must be seriously wrong. I head toward the back of the room so I can make the call.
“Hey, Mandy,” I say. “What’s up?”
“I am so sorry, Charlie.”
I glance at Tay up on the stage, still focused on making sure she’s okay. “Sorry for what?”
“Wait … you haven’t heard?”
“Heard what?”
“Where are you right now?”
“At Tay’s contest. Why? What’s wrong?”
Mandy lets out a shaky sigh. “Remember before you went into the zombie maze? When you asked me to go to your room and upload the collab video? I … I must have uploaded the wrong one.”
My heart skips a beat. “Mandy, be specific. What video did you upload?”
There’s a long pause before she answers, and when she does her voice is quiet. “I didn’t watch it before I uploaded. I uploaded the wrong file. I thought it was the edited footage, and I didn’t know about the end. With the kiss. So I uploaded it. I thought it was the right video, I swear. I’m so sorry. The moment I realized, I deleted it. But it’s too late. Twitter is blowing up, and bloggers are already talking about it.… It’s even a gif.”
My heart beats faster, louder, harder.
“Fuck.”
So much for privacy. I break out into a cold sweat.
This is exactly how it happened before, with Reese.
Everything was fine, and then photos were leaked, turning my world upside down in an instant.
“You there?”
“Yes.” My voice cracks.
“I’m in the green room,” Mandy says. “Reese is here. We need to talk.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. I’ll be there soon. I need to be here for Tay first.”
I’m already annoyed in anticipation of the media spreading gossip and the Chase shippers lashing out. But mostly, I’m sad.
I’m sad because I feel like, in a small way, what Alyssa and I have isn’t ours anymore. I hate to say it, but it feels polluted somehow. I feel the pressure and opinions of others already seeping in. But I shake it off, knowing my focus right now needs to be on supporting Taylor.
CHAPTER 25
TAYLOR
“In book three, what does Queen Firestone’s sister give to her on her eighteenth birthday?”
I can feel the host looking at me, waiting for my answer. I can feel the audience looking at me. Countless eyes on me, waiting, watching, judging.
I keep my gaze on the floor and open my mouth, but no words come out. I’m burning up, trembling, and definitely not breathing. I know the answer.
Don’t I?
I do. I should. I know everything about Queen Firestone.
So why can’t I answer the question?
How much time do I have? It feels like I’ve been frozen in place for hours. Is it obvious that my palms are sweating? More important, is it obvious that I don’t know the answer? They must think I’m an idiot. They’ll be laughing at me soon.
Shh. Stop it, Taylor. Just think of the answer.
What was the question again? Shit. Am I allowed to ask them to repeat it?
“I’m sorry,” the host says. “You’ve run out of time, which means Brianna is the winner!”
The crowd erupts, and I implode.
No.
I’m a hardcore Queen Firestone fangirl. I can’t lose this.
But I have. I lost.
The host’s voice booms through my shock. “Congratulations, Brianna! You are Queen Firestone’s biggest fan!”
I clap, happy for my friend, but I can’t believe I lost. I make myself smile and step forward to give Brianna a big bear hug.
“Congratulations!” I say as confidently as I can, then I walk hazily offstage. I don’t know whether I’m meant to stay or go, but I suddenly feel like I’m being suffocated by the crowd, the noise, the lights, all of it.
I run down the stairs and hurry through the crowd, keeping my gaze on the ground while I try to breathe. My bottom lip quivers, and my eyes blur from tears, making me walk even faster until I’m out of the hall. I run out of the venue, down the block, and don’t stop until I reach the hotel lobby. Someone grabs my hand, and I spin around to see Charlie, her eyes filled with worry.
“Tay.” She doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t need to. I hold my arms out, and she wraps me in a hug, holding me tight. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the rest of the world.
“Do you need anything?” she whispers. “Water? Food? Jamie?”
I laugh, but it’s forced. “I just want to go upstairs and lie down. Maybe watch a movie. But not a Firestone movie.”
She holds me at arm’s length and frowns. “Don’t let this ruin the Firestone series for you, Tay. It’s too important to you. It’s part of who you are. You may not have won the competition, but you’re still a true Firestone fangirl. No one else can tell you what you’re a true fan of. That’s part of the beauty of fandom, right?”
I sniff back more tears and nod. Her phone starts ringing, and she pulls it out of her pocket and cancels it. A second later, it buzzes with a text.
“What is it?” I ask when I see the concern on her face.
“Mandy,” she says. I suddenly get the feeling that something isn’t right, that Charlie isn’t telling me everything.
“Charlie, what’s going on?”
She looks away and groans. “It’s out.”
I pinch my brows together. “What’s out?”
“Mandy accidentally uploaded the unedited collab I made with Alyssa. The one where we kiss.” She cringes and slaps a hand over her eyes. “A video of me and Alyssa making out has gone viral. Mandy is in damage-control mode.” She drops her hand from her face and sees me staring at her with my mouth hanging open.
“Holy fuck,” I say. “That’s … kind of huge. You need to go.”
She hesitates, watching me carefully. “No, they can wait. Let’s go upstairs.”
She takes a step forward, but I stop her, shaking my head. “No. You can’t hide from this anymore. You need to go.
Talk to Mandy, then find Alyssa.” A pained look washes over her face, and I grab her hands and smile. “This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, Charlie. It doesn’t need to be damage controlled. This can be good. It’s out there now, so you can stop worrying about what others want you to do and just focus on what you want to do.”
She opens her mouth to protest, but I start backing toward the elevator. “Go.”
She looks me in the eye. “Love you, Tay.”
“Love you back.”
I step into the elevator with a group of teen girls chatting excitedly about a panel they just saw. I turn to see Jamie running straight past Charlie and toward me, making it into the elevator just as the doors close. In my haste to flee the scene, I forgot that he was in the audience. A rush of guilt washes over me, joining the already rampant anxiety, humiliation, and failure that are fighting hard to break me. Jamie sidesteps over, glancing at me. I avoid his gaze; I can’t stand to see the worry in his eyes. I’m cracking. I can feel it.
It always starts in my heart, the cracks rapidly cutting through me internally, spreading like vines climbing up a tree, until I’m torn apart. It’s an implosion, unseen by anyone around me.
One of the girls sees me. “Oh my God! That is the coolest cosplay ever!”
All her friends turn to look at me, admiring my costume.
I force out my kindest smile. “Thanks.” My voice is quiet, strained by the lump in my throat. She opens her mouth to say something else, but I’m saved by the ding of the elevator at their floor.
They walk out in a flurry of chatter and the doors close, leaving Jamie and me alone.
Jamie turns to me. “Are you—”
The elevator bounces unexpectedly, and I gasp.
The lights flicker for a few seconds before shutting off completely, and we come to an abrupt stop in between the tenth and eleventh floors of the hotel.
“Shit,” Jamie says.
Jamie starts pushing random buttons again and again, trying to get the elevator to move. The emergency lights kick in, glowing an offensive orange, but it’s still so dark I can barely see my hands in front of my face. Even though I’m stuck in a dark metal box hanging nearly eleven stories high by wire cables, I still feel safer in here than I did fifteen minutes ago, standing on that stage. I let out an exhale and slide to the floor, tucking my legs up against my stomach and resting my head against the wall.
