by Xingjian Gao
She doesn’t believe her grandpa killed himself, especially by swallowing opium, it seems like a made-up story. She doesn’t know why she’s telling all this, perhaps she’s beginning to make up stories, making up a childhood she never had, but she still wants to make up some more things, something beautiful, make up some…some…She says that her arrival in this world was entirely a misunderstanding, but isn’t life a series of misunderstandings?
But she does recall a young boy,…he used to stand under her window in the snow waiting for her to appear, at the time she’d hide behind the curtains, she thought that it was fun, a bit laughable perhaps, and she also felt a bit sorry for him, but in the end she still held back, because her best friend in her class told her that she’d also received a love letter from the same boy. Afterwards she stopped going out with both of them.
She wants to tell a romantic story. Besides physical contact there should be some poetry in the relationship between a man and a woman, but everything has been so hypocritical, hypocritical, so hypocritical that it’s made her utterly sick and tired of the whole thing.
She remembers that her mother had two lovers, whenever her father was out on business, her mother’d make herself especially beautiful. She spent all her money on herself, she never cared about what her children were wearing, and she’d lose her temper about almost anything and everything. Once a girl student came to ask her father something, they were together for a long time, until dinner it was, and her father asked her to stay and eat with them. Suddenly there came the sound of banging dishes from the kitchen, and her heart cringed, because she was sure that once the girl student left, her mother would blow up. Afterwards, she heard her mother and father quarrelling in their room as expected, her mother said her father had something going with the girl student, he repeated many times that there was nothing, but her mother insisted that she saw the whole thing through a crack in the door! She couldn’t stand her mother the most, as soon as she got upset she’d whoop up a storm.
Oh yes, and they also had a neighbour, a single woman, she was also unbearably neurotic. She was keeping this dog she called Sicko. Here, Sicko! There Sicko, run! She’d keep horsing around all the time with the dog until it yapped and yelped and never stopped, and then she’d caress it with all her tender loving care as if it was her lover.
Her mother was the same, she only quieted down when she was on her deathbed. She had broken her spine in a car crash, when she died she was still quite young, the skin on her arm was smoother and fresher than hers is now, but her head was all wrapped in bandages, her lips swollen, all pale and ashen. It was the first time she’d been so close to death. When she died she didn’t cry, she only felt a bit surprised, a bit regretful, she cried only after she’d left the hospital and stayed up alone at night, suddenly she felt she’d lost something…(Covers her face with her hands.)
(A woman appears behind her. She is completely dressed in white, and her head is wrapped in bandages except for her mouth and her nose. She is wearing a necklace with a small watch attached to it.)
Woman :
She choked and burst out crying, was she crying for herself or was it because she’d lost her mother? She couldn’t say for sure. She and her mother were never close, there was always a barrier between them which could never be removed. The necklace she has on now belonged to her mother, she knows that one of her lovers gave it to her…, she had her eyes on her mother’s small silver watch inlaid with sapphire even when she was a little girl, once she wore it without telling her, when she found out, she jumped down real hard on her and she cried her eyes out for a long time. She gave the watch to her before she died, as something to remember her by, and she also whispered in her ears, begging her not to hold anything against her.
When she was alive she always said that it was difficult being a woman, she says her mother said women suffer five hundred times more than men. She didn’t understand why women had to suffer from so many more deadly sins. She also knows that it wasn’t her mother but an old woman who had said these words first, perhaps women like to talk about these things when they’re together, and her mother just repeated them to her. Yes, sins, she’d brought sins upon herself. Whenever the lover, the one who gave her the watch, came calling, she’d have to make a real fuss of it, she’d bath and dress herself up from head to toe for him and then she’d look for some excuse to send her away, all this got her really peeved and that was why the relationship between mother and daughter became so tense. Today, well, of course she’s forgiven everything. (Turns around.)
(The woman turns around, still behind her.)
Woman :
But at the time (Pauses.) she only wanted her attention, so that she’d notice her, notice her anger, that was why she stabbed a scissors blade into her middle finger. They say that the ten fingers are linked to the heart, and she wanted her heart to suffer the pain too.
(Looking at her hand.) She watched the blood oozing out, it streamed down the centre of the palm along the middle finger, and then it seeped through the fingers to the back of the hand, she could have stopped the bleeding, but she didn’t, rather she hoped the blood would bleed much faster. She watched her wrist turn purple red, (Raising her arm.) but she still let the blood flow, she just wanted to drown her whole body in a pool of blood. She didn’t know how much longer she could hang on like that, she just felt faint and dizzy. At last she heard her mother calling out after her, the water’s all gone, the kettle’s going to be burnt into ashes, go take a look! Her mother found her in her room and asked her why she had pretended to be deaf and dumb. Only then did she see that her hand was covered in blood, she immediately snatched the trembling scissors from her and gave her a big smack across the face. (Raises her head.)
(The woman walks away quietly.)
Woman :
(Watching the back of the woman.) She doesn’t know if it’s a dream or reality.
(Only the shadowy image of the woman’s back is visible.)
Woman :
(Takes one step forward to follow her.) Is it a real dream? Or does she only think she’s dreaming?
(The woman disappears.)
Woman :
(Shakes her head.) To tell the truth, she once had a very weird dream, in the dream her mother was holding down her legs, she was actually helping a man to rape her, and the man appeared to be her mother’s lover. At the time she knew that she might be dreaming, she wanted to scream but she couldn’t, she only managed to sob quietly, though there were a lot of tears. Strangely enough, at this moment she also wants to cry, but she just can’t. If only she could cry, if she cried she’d be able to find some relief, she knows that, but unfortunately at her age she’s already grown out of crying. She used to be a cry baby. At that time there was a peach tree outside her window, whenever she saw the peach blossoms being ravaged by driving rain and there were nothing but a few raindrops left on the bare branches, she’d break down in tears. Of course she wasn’t crying for the peach flowers, she cried because she didn’t understand why she was crying, no, not now, she’s not talking about now, she’s talking about those early days, talking about a young girl who had no knowledge of the world and who had to live a life of misery. In fact, it’s all her own fault, she asked for it, and at the same time she also gave other people a lot of troubles. She says that she wasn’t the only one, most girls were like that, they liked to bore her with their tattered stories about men.
She says she’s talking about a bad girl, and the bad girl is herself. When they first taught her to walk, they told her not to let her soles touch the ground, instead she should tread on the sides of her feet, (Looks down at her feet.) and she should raise her arms a little, they said men found this more attractive, all this made her uneasy for a long period of time…
(A girl’s laughter is heard.)
Woman :
(Listens.) When a woman wants to do it to another woman…
(The laughter disappears.)
Woman :
S
he can be even more vicious than a man. She says at one time she knew this woman, a woman doctor, she had a husband and a lover, but she still said that she loved her, telling her that when she saw her she was seeing herself when she was young and in her prime. She said she was her big sister, and that she was willing to be her mother if she wanted it, she hoped that some day she’d have a daughter like her. She also said that when she grew tired of men she’d live with her and nobody else. She said you only lived once, so you must try to live happily, she also wondered why she was still living by herself at her age, without a man by her side. The woman was just like a witch, when her eyes were staring at her, it was like they were going through her body from one side to the other. She loved to flash her breasts and her body in front of her, she’d change her clothes in her presence, and then suddenly she’d laugh out loud for no reason, at the time she was just like a she-devil. She never held back anything from her, she told her that she couldn’t live without men. But she didn’t understand why she always brought her along even when her lover took her out to dinner. She wanted her to spend the weekend at her place all the time, saying that she was afraid of being alone. Whether it was a set-up or not, she sometimes left her alone with her husband, and the two would sit face to face in silence. She had nothing to say to him, this very decent man, he was never without a tie even when he was at home, and his clothes were always pressed, neat as a pin he was. One time, perhaps just this one time, the phone rang before dinner. The woman answered the phone and said that it was an emergency and she had to go out at once to see a patient, and she told her to wait for her to come back no matter what happened. First she heard the car driving away, then she heard the man telling her that she had really beautiful hands. She said he was not the first one to tell her that, but he replied that when he said her hands were beautiful he meant the hands were a reflection of all of a woman’s beauty. And she said what was the use even if her hands were more beautiful? He said it depended on whether one knew how to make use of them. (Lowers her eyelids.)
She can’t remember clearly how the whole thing began or how it ended, it was all so hurried and panicky, then she heard the sound of the car again.
(A female voice laughing coquettishly.)
Woman :
(Raises her eyelids.) She felt that she was compelled to join in with their foolish laughter, this woman and her husband, her husband and her, all of them couldn’t stop laughing, as if there was really something laughable or something worth laughing about—
(Laughs nervously, then stops suddenly.) The woman played with her, and she also played with herself. Since she’d used her to spice up their marriage, why shouldn’t she return her favour, why not give her a dose of her own medicine? So she phoned up her lover for a date and she made sure that she also knew about it. She knew that she was playing with fire, but she was keen to make the woman jealous. Yet she couldn’t prevent herself from falling into her trap, just like sinking into a muddy swamp, the more she struggled to be free the more she’d dirty herself.
She saw this woman coming towards her, she was all dressed in black, her thin lips were closed tightly and emitted a layer of disdain, she ignored her, as if she did not see her. She knew that she was looking her over to check out if she was as low down as she was. She reciprocated with a similarly disdainful look.
(Drops her shawl.) And the woman just walked away.
(Dragging her shawl and walking giddily.) She says the first time she made love to a man and saw the semen flowing down her leg, she felt so disgusted that she almost threw up, now she doesn’t have the same reaction any more, the world is in fact a very filthy place, including herself. At first she really wanted to lead a clean life and to love just one person with all her heart, but now she has also learned how to have some fun for herself.
She says all men are dogs, every one of them, but they’re not as loyal as the real dogs, and women are worse than cats, not only do they covet comfort, warmth and a full stomach, they’re also vain, jealous, and insatiable.
(Stops and covers her head with her hands.) She says she has sinned deeply, she hasn’t gotten anything out of it, and she also hasn’t been able to obtain forgiveness.
(Dejected, she drops her hands and clasps them.) She says when she reached puberty, she once thought of becoming a nun in a temple, for a long time she couldn’t eat meat, it made her throw up. She says she thought that good or bad she must have faith, that she should be a follower of the Buddha or she should believe in God. Whenever she passed by a church, she’d always be deeply moved by the singing at mass.
She also says she also wanted to have a dog. (A quiet laugh.)
Or simply have a baby, it wouldn’t make any difference with whom, and she wouldn’t even think of having an abortion, she’d keep the baby.
(Restrainedly.) And she’d look after it, she’d give it her undivided attention.
But she also says, (Shaking her head.) she’s not equipped to be a good mother, and she couldn’t find a man to make such a sacrifice worthwhile! She says she’s not a good woman either, and she doesn’t deserve a good family. It’s in her destiny, who knows, when…
(Unattentively.) She’s afraid of driving alone at night, always worrying that something might go wrong…
(A masked man in a long black robe appears in the dark.)
Woman :
She says she sees someone standing in the middle of the highway, and she flashes the headlights again and again—
(Light flashes twice. A masked man appears waving a red semaphore flag with his right hand. Sound of car braking hard.)
Woman :
Fog is everywhere, she can’t see anything in front of her…
(In the dark, the masked man turns around and blocks her way. He raises his left arm and a wide red sleeve falls down.)
Woman :
She says she understands, he’s warning her of the calamity of blood! (Dodges.)
(Masked man turns around again, still with his back towards her. He raises his left sleeve in front of her. She dodges one more time, but she still cannot get away from him.)
Woman :
(Closes her eyes.) She says she’s not afraid of death, she’s only scared that nobody’ll know when she’s dead. She’s even more afraid of a prolonged death, afraid of being crippled, being half dead and half living, nothing is more horrifying than that, it’s better to end it once and for all, to wrap it up totally and completely.
(Masked man disappears.)
Woman :
She feels like she’s gliding on a glacier and she can’t stop, she sees only a big mass of blackness, any time now she’s going to slip into the cracked icy layers and plunge into the deep dark water of death, after she dies all will vanish in an instant like snowflakes in water, the world is such a large place, she’s not the only person living in it, she’s not important, just let her vanish, let her be forgotten, ignored, and let her end it once and for all…But she still can’t free herself from the old grudges, the jealousy, the greed, the worries, and the anxieties. It’s not that she doesn’t know what the Buddha has said, that the four elements of life are mere emptiness, it’s just that she can’t free herself from the vanities of human life. So she prays in a whisper, pleading the merciful Bodhisattva to look after her, to help her to sever her ties with the mortal world.
She says she sees her filthy body rolling in a puddle of muddy water, in broad daylight, on the side of the road, and in public view, everyone’s trampling on her. She’s covered with scabies, her voice hoarse, she’s crawling and begging, but everyone’s swearing at her and turns their back on her. (Slowly opens her eyes.)
(A nun with an iron-like grey complexion appears. She is enwrapped in a grey kasaya, a Buddhist robe, her eyes lowered and her hair worn in a bun. She is sitting up straight on a futon in a high place with her legs crossed and her palms clasped.)
Woman :
She says she sees a Bodhisattva, her palms clasped together, sitting on top of a lotus
flower platform.
(She approaches slowly and cautiously.) She looks more closely and it’s not a lotus flower…she looks again and it’s not a Bodhisattva…and she looks even more carefully and it’s a nun meditating with her eyes closed and her hands clasped together—
(Inspects closely.) Her brows are slightly knit, and her clasped hands are holding—
(Comes nearer.) a pair of scissors!
(The nun slowly lifts the scissors. Suddenly she stabs them into her own stomach.)
Woman :
(Screams.) God! (Drops to the ground with her face down.)
(The nun bends forward and backward, her lips tightly closed.)
Woman :
(Creeps forward.) Why is this happening?
(Looks back.) For no reason at all, she replies flatly.
(The nun bends over and places the scissors in front of her.)
Woman :
(Creeps backward.) What is she doing? There’s got to be a purpose.
(Lowers her head.) She’s intent on dissecting herself.
(The nun holds her stomach, then offers her intestines on a plate.)
Woman :
(Holds her breath, then inhales.) Is it worth it? Why suffer such pain?
(The nun lowers her head and rubs the intestines.)
Woman :
(Gets up on her knees.) She says she must cleanse the intestines, this big mess of filth and blood.
(Leans forward and watches attentively.) How can they be cleansed? After all, they are so bloody and filthy!
