Jasper greeted me outside Chris’s barn. I kneeled down and he licked my face. Maybe it was salt from the tears I kept crying that he liked, but either way it felt so good that he was acting like he loved me. He had gotten used to me. He had accepted me. I was a friend now. He didn’t know or care that I had betrayed Chris. In his dog mind, I was a good guy, and always would be. The knowledge that Jasper loved me, when I felt so rotten inside, made me achingly sad. I’m not good, I wanted to tell him. You shouldn’t like me. I don’t even like myself right now. You’d hate me too if you knew what I’m about to tell your owner.
Chris was surprised to see me. I studied his face and his body language to try to tell if he already knew. It was clear he didn’t. In fact, he brightened when he saw me and gave me a hug, which nearly killed me. He would have never hugged me if he knew. When we pulled away he saw the pain on my face.
“What happened?”
I knew he thought something had happened to one of Dakota’s horses like Midway. He knew how much I liked Midway. Or maybe he thought I’d had a falling-out with Dakota, that I lost my job. I don’t know what exactly he thought but there was no way he thought I’d slept with someone else.
I cleared my throat. “I have to tell you something and it’s awful.”
He cocked his head at me and gave me a funny look, like, what could you have to tell me that could be so awful?
It was right then that I realized Chris was naïve too. So much of the time I felt like I was the young, innocent one when it came to so many things, like the pressures of the competition, the financial hardships, and the complications that came with love and sex. Finding Mary Beth with another guy should have made him jaded and skeptical but it hadn’t. His heart was still pure and open to being in love. He had trusted me fully.
I think if I had never slept with McNair and I had come to him that day and told him how much I missed him and how much I loved him, we would have gotten back together. I felt it in the way he had put his arms around me and the way he had looked at me. Knowing as much made what I had to say even harder.
“I went out last night with Linda and I got drunk. Really drunk.” In my head rehearsing what I was going to say to him, I had planned to give lots of build up and explain why I’d made such a bad decision, but it seemed worse to do that now. It seemed like Chris deserved me owning up to what I’d done, not trying to minimize it or make myself blameless.
“I went home with McNair,” I said. “It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
Chris stared at me, his eyes narrowing. It seemed like he was trying to understand what I was saying. He was trying to make sense of it. “You slept with McNair?”
“Yes,” I said plainly.
“We weren’t even broken up… and you… you slept with McNair?” Chris blew out a breath through clenched teeth. He took a step back from me, like he didn’t even want to be near me anymore, like I was contaminated, and that was exactly how I felt. Toxic.
“We were on a break… you hadn’t texted me in a week. I thought it was over.”
“And if it had been over, would that make it okay?”
I shook my head. No. No, it would never be okay. “I am so sorry,” I said. “I am totally, completely, undeniably, thoroughly, utterly, unconditionally, unreservedly sorry.”
Chris brought one hand to his face and pressed his fingers against his right eye. He inclined his head further into his hand, and made a sound like he had just been punched in the gut. When he straightened back up, he said, his voice thick with tears, “When I first met you I thought a lot of things might happen, but I never thought you’d break my heart.”
He turned and headed out back to the paddocks and ring, leaving me in the barn with a few horses with their heads over the stall doors, looking at me like they were trying to figure out what this human thing was that they’d just witnessed. I knew the horses would be a solace to him. He would throw himself into his riding and his business. I didn’t have any such solace. No matter how bad it was for him, I had to live knowing what a terrible thing I’d done and how much I’d hurt him.
Chris didn’t look back at me. Jasper did. He gave me one last, nearly mournful glance before following Chris.
I don’t know how I got through those last two weeks. I guess by putting one foot in front of the other. Taking it moment by moment. I was glad I had to work and go about all the little details of getting Dakota ready to show. I only saw Chris from afar. His world in the jumper rings didn’t cross much with Dakota’s. I chose not to go watch him ride, but I did check online to see how he’d done.
Zoe texted me a bunch. It wasn’t lost on me how in Vermont I’d been friends first with Zoe and then with Chris, and as I had fallen in love, I had lost Zoe’s friendship. Now, I had lost Chris and Zoe and I seemed like maybe we were regaining our friendship. She said she’d looked online at the rehab places but hadn’t called yet. She also was still riding Donnie’s horses and probably sleeping with him too. I would have told her she absolutely needed to call, or offered to call for her, if I hadn’t been simply distraught about Chris. I kept seeing myself with McNair only in my rewind of what happened I changed things and I stopped myself from going home with him from the bar. Or Mike was there and he saw how drunk I was and drove me home. Or I stopped myself from sleeping with him. In my retold story, I came to my senses and went home. Or I didn’t go out that night at all.
I wasn’t mad at Linda, though. It wasn’t her fault that I went home with McNair. She had no idea I was going to do something so stupid. And the Irish guy she had met seemed promising—they had already been on a second date.
Zoe came over to the barn on Friday afternoon of Week 11. “Just thought I’d check in on you,” she said. “Anything from Chris?”
I shook my head despondently. “Did you make any calls?”
“Yes, but not to rehab places.”
“Zoe—”
She clasped her hands together and rubbed between her thumb and pointer with her other thumb. “No, just listen. One of Donnie’s clients is a lawyer. I talked to her about turning Étienne in.”
“Really? Good for you.”
“I can’t sleep at night. I think I have to go to the police.”
“What does she say this’ll mean for you?”
“I can probably get a plea deal. Maybe it’ll include rehab. Community service. I keep seeing him around and I see people we robbed and I can’t live like this. I’m not a bad person. I know lots of people think I am, but I’m really not.”
“I know you’re not,” I told her.
“I’ve done some really shitty things. I don’t have to tell you that.” Zoe looked up and shook her head.
“And now you’re going to try to make up for them,” I said. “And get away from Donnie.”
After Zoe left, I remained on the tack trunk, the radio playing in the background. MISSION came on and tears flooded my eyes. Zoe might be able to make things better, if not right, but I wasn’t sure I could do the same. I wasn’t sure I could ever win Chris back. I knew it would only make my heart ache more but I took out my phone and looked back through photos of us from Vermont and a few from earlier in the circuit. I thought about Vermont again, that wonderful summer, and what it felt like to ride Logan out to the far ring to meet him in those first early mornings.
Logan.
Just like that, I knew what I had to do.
Chapter 33
It wouldn’t bring Chris back. At least, not now. In fact, it could push him further away from me but it would give him what he wanted most—what he needed—Athelstane.
I explained to Linda what had happened with McNair and Chris and how Logan would be perfect for Dakota.
“But we’re about to set up the pre-purchase for Holly’s horse,” she said.
“Please, it’s not a done deal yet and I can’t sell him to just anyone. I know you’ll take good care of him. Just have her try him. As a favor for me.”
“Okay,” she said. “I gue
ss we can try him.”
I called my dad and told him I wanted to sell Logan and that Dakota might be the one to buy him.
“You want to sell the horse?” he said.
“Yes, but, I want you to put the money into Chris’s horse. I know you said it’s not an investment but otherwise you keep spending the money on Logan’s training. This is what I want.”
“Why now? Why all of a sudden?”
I’m not sure I’d consciously thought it through but as I replied to Dad, I knew clearly what was next for me. “I’m going to be going back to school. I won’t have time to ride him. He’s become an incredible horse and I think Dakota will do really well with him. He’ll have a good life with her.”
“You and Chris… are you two still together?”
“It’s not about that,” I said. Because it wasn’t really. I wanted this so badly for Chris, regardless of where things stood with us. I wanted him to have his number one horse and to get a chance to go to Europe this summer. I wanted him to have a chance to do the biggest classes and maybe go to the World Cup Finals next year. “Will you do it?”
“If it’s what you want,” Dad said.
“Yes,” I said. It was the closest thing to what I wanted. What I truly wanted—Chris—I knew I couldn’t have.
Dakota tried Logan on a gorgeous day. The perfect day. It was the kind of weather I’d dreamed about when I’d been stuck in Boston with all the grayness. I came and watched her try him. Chris was civil to me but nothing more. We put on a good front, saying hello and how-are-you, fake-smiling at each other.
It was nice just to see Chris. I hadn’t seen him except from afar. He looked so good in his breeches and polo shirt. It made me hate myself all over again. It made the pain, which had hardly dulled, come back even stronger, nearly cutting off my breath.
Chris didn’t know yet that if Dakota would buy Logan the money would go toward Athelstane. I just hoped the deal could still be made. I had Dad tell Chris he wanted to sell Logan, nothing more. Perhaps Chris thought I wanted him sold just to get him out of his barn.
Dakota rode Logan really well. I knew he went well for Chris but he was so rideable now that he was great for her too. A few times she got pretty deep with him and he found a way to make it work, and it didn’t seem to bother Logan at all.
“He’s really fun,” she said, coming to a walk and patting his neck.
“Is there anything else you want to do on him?” Chris asked Linda.
“No, looks like a natural match. Maybe she could do a class on him early next week?”
“Sure, if that’s okay with Hannah.” Chris turned to look at where I was standing outside of the fence. “Okay if Dakota does him in a class?”
“Of course,” I said.
Dakota did Logan in a low junior jumper class during the last week of circuit and was double clean. Linda arranged a pre-purchase exam. She had put the other people on hold and when Logan passed the exam with flying colors, she told them the other sale was off. Dakota’s parents had agreed to buy Logan. I thanked Linda profusely.
“Does this mean you’ll stay on working for us?” she asked. “Because you’re the only person Dakota has actually liked.”
I shook my head sadly. As much as I now too liked Dakota—something I never thought would happen—I knew I had to give up the horse world for a time.
I had Dad call Chris and tell him that he was putting the money into the new horse. It took a few days for the wire-transfer and then Logan was Dakota’s and the money was Chris’s. Dad told me Chris sent him official papers outlining the partnership and that Athelstane was still available. I heard Linda on the phone with Dale coordinating for someone to bring Logan over and I asked if I could go get Logan from Chris’s. Linda said sure and she drove me over in the golf cart with tack and boots for him.
Jasper didn’t come out to greet me and I felt my stomach sink. I had hoped that Chris would be there and I’d have an excuse to talk to him. I’d booked my flight; in a few days, I’d be going back to Boston. I wanted at least one more chance to see him. Maybe he’d say something to me about my dad putting the money into Athelstane. But Jasper not being there meant Chris probably wasn’t either. His car wasn’t there.
Dale had Logan on the cross ties. There was still no sign of Jasper or Chris. I helped Dale tack up Logan. Besides saying a curt hello, I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to talk to me. I wondered if he was happy Chris and I were broken up, or if he was pissed at me for breaking Chris’s heart. Probably both.
“Need a leg up?” he said as I started to walk Logan out of the barn.
“I can use the step-stool,” I said coolly.
“Okay,” he said. “I just want to say, you did a good thing.”
I stopped Logan and looked back at Dale.
“Selling him so Chris could have the horse. He might not say it to you but it means a lot to him. This horse is going to make the difference. He’s going to get Chris to Europe this summer.”
“And now you have me out of your hair too,” I said.
“Maybe you weren’t all bad,” Dale said.
“Let’s not get crazy, now.” I chuckled but then turned serious. “Keep an eye on him, okay?”
Dale nodded and it wasn’t unkindly. “You know I always do.”
Dakota and I went on a last trail ride. I rode Midway and she rode Logan. We talked about the summer of showing she had planned. She said she was really looking forward to showing Logan.
“I like the jumpers the best,” she said.
“You’re good at them,” I said.
I looked around at the farms, the jump fields, the fence lines, and the canals. Wellington was a place unlike any other. It was strange and I would miss it. Maybe I’d be back someday.
“I’m sorry I’m not staying with you this summer.”
“I get it,” she said. “You have to go back to school.”
“Yeah, I do. I kind of just ran away and that didn’t make things better. You hang in there, okay? Don’t go doing any more crazy things.”
Dakota made a face. “Well, I’m not going to be boring my whole life.”
I laughed. “I don’t think you’ll ever be boring. Just be more careful. You have to take care of yourself.” What I didn’t say was that she had to take care of herself because her parents weren’t going to.
“Come visit?” Dakota said. “See Logan?”
I twirled a few fingers from one hand through Midway’s thick mane. “I’d love to.”
I thought I might not see Chris again before I left. I had watched him jump Arkos in the last grand prix of the circuit, the big 5-star class. Arkos had jumped amazing and had just one unlucky rail over a tall, skinny, airy vertical to keep him from the jump-off but it turned out the course was so tough there were only four clean and Chris finished fifth. It was very strange watching him because I kept feeling like we were still together but then reality would hit and I’d know we weren’t. All I could think as I watched him was that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and that nothing would ever be good in my life again. I left the tent sure that was the last time I’d lay eyes on him in a long time, but he texted me two days before I was supposed to leave saying I’d left some stuff at his place and probably should come over and grab it.
I hoped to God it was just an excuse for him to see me one last time.
He was dressed in jeans and a gray T-shirt. He stood aside to let me come in and I wanted more than anything to brush up against him, pretending it was by accident to at least feel his T-shirt against my skin.
“I’m not sure where everything is. I just thought you should take a look around before you head home.”
“How long are you staying?” I asked.
“A few more weeks. Athelstane is coming and needs to go through quarantine so we’ll stay here until he’s all clear and then go back to Pennsylvania.”
“It’s exciting,” I said, spotting a purple FEI horse passport on the dining room table. Chris was li
kely getting Arkos’s paperwork in order for Europe.
Chris offered me what seemed like a genuine smile. “Yeah, it is. And I owe a good part of it to you, so thank you for selling Logan and convincing your dad to invest.”
“You’re going to have a great summer and I’m so happy for you,” I said. The crazy thing was that I was happy for him. I had seen online that both Chris and Mary Beth were expected to get invitations to go to Europe with the team this summer. The whole circuit I’d tried to keep them apart and I had essentially been the one to send them off to Europe together. I’d realized that by trying desperately to keep them apart I’d only pulled Chris and me apart. I also knew that I needed to figure out my own life before I could be a part of Chris’s. I still wanted to be a part of his life, but whether that could ever happen again remained to be seen.
“What are you going to do this summer?” he asked.
“I’m going to take some classes. I can make up some of this semester. It seems like that’s what I should be doing—being a college kid.”
“Sounds right,” Chris said.
I found a few of my magazines in the TV room and a hair elastic. Nothing I couldn’t have lived without. In the bedroom, I opened a few drawers and seeing Chris’s clothes made my chest hurt. In one of the drawers I found my T-shirt, a pair of underwear, and a pair of socks. In the bathroom my hairbrush sat on the counter. I liked that Chris hadn’t moved it. That he hadn’t packed up these things the day I’d told him about McNair and thrown them straight in the trash.
I came out of the bathroom and found him standing in my way.
“Well—” I was going to say, I guess this is good-bye, but the words stuck in my throat.
Chris reached for me and pulled me to him. I pressed my face into his neck and he held his arms around my back. I don’t think either of us could have planned it, but something told us we needed each other one more time. Maybe in some Darwinian way, Chris wanted to be the last one to be with me. I wouldn’t be able to forget what I’d done with McNair but it was comforting to move one more step away from it. Being with Chris couldn’t wipe away being with McNair, but it would be so much better to remember Florida this way.
Winter Circuit (The Show Circuit -- Book 2) Page 23
