by Jen Wylie
"I understand," he said gently.
His eyes changed. She saw his own pain hiding behind his usual coldness. Perhaps he did understand. For a moment, she wondered if the coldness helped, if she should try to wrap herself in it to keep all the emotions she didn't want to feel trapped away.
Dropping her gaze, she wished again she hadn't come.
"You don't need the cold," he whispered. Suddenly she found herself pulled close against him. "But only to understand you don't need anyone," he continued, his barely audible words muffled even more by her hair. For a moment, he held her tightly and then kissed the top of her head before letting her go.
She relaxed her clenched fists. Part of her wished he'd not let her go. A deep longing rose up within her to be held, comforted, yet…not by him. However, he'd given her strength. She could get through this…on her own. "What if I just want them?" She kept her voice low, knowing he'd hear her.
"Want and need are two very different things. As long as you know that…"
"I do."
His eyes snapped up, looking over her shoulder. "I wondered where you were."
Jerking her head around, she saw someone standing by the end of the alley. Not Raythe. Once she saw him, he came forward, and she frowned. Baelan. He'd indeed bought new clothes, now wearing a simple gray shirt with darker gray pants. He easily blended into the shadows.
Perhaps I should have killed him, Roan muttered in her mind. Make good use of him. Learn.
She looked up at him in surprise. Can I trust him?
He is sincere in serving you. He has to be, if he ever wants to be free. He is now outcast and loyal only to you.
Grimacing, she found that thought strangely disturbing.
Arowyn, you now have the best Elven assassin at your disposal.
She stiffened, looking up at him in surprise. What would she need an assassin for?
"Remember all I've said," Roan whispered, once again catching her hand. "Until next time." Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, he dropped it and turned, walking swiftly away.
The sound of Baelan coming up behind her kept her from calling after him. Rotting Elves. The both of them.
Turning swiftly, she debated giving Baelan a swat up the side of the head for interrupting. "What are you doing here?"
He stopped, a pained look crossing his boyish face. The half she could see of it. He'd pulled his messy hair forward, hiding his scar.
"It is…painful, to be away from you. And I…I felt…" His brows drew down in confusion. "Something was wrong?"
"Never mind." Looking over her shoulder once, she started walking. "Let's go."
Raythe followed behind them. He didn't seem overly impressed to see Baelan, either. Poor Elf. She wondered if it bothered him that no one wanted him around. He muttered something behind her and a wicked grin crossed her lips for a moment. Guess he'd caught that thought.
Having him in her head, seeing the pain and weakness there…no. She didn't trust him, and that gave her all the more reason to push it down.
"Stay out of my head, Elf. I'm not going to tell you again."
"As you wish."
They walked through the city silently for a time, before he hesitantly drew up beside her. She cast him an irritated look. He blanched but didn't fall back.
"What do you want?"
"He cares for you very much."
"We are not having this discussion," she said firmly. Nodding once, he fell back.
His words brought more confusion. Had he meant Roan, or Prince? If the former, she didn't want to have that discussion again. A headache began to form behind her eyes. Too much, today had just been…too much.
You around this evening?
A faint smile came to her face at the sound of Hale's cheerful voice. On my way home now. You coming by?
After we close up. Ready for some practice?
Always!
Fighting with Hale was just what she needed to take her mind off her brothers and make time go by faster.
Tomorrow she would meet Damon and get Kei back.
∞ ∞ ∞
As they passed the inn, Raythe traded shifts with Silas. The quiet Were nodded to her as he joined them on the short walk back home.
How was the Elf today?
Annoying, she answered flatly.
This drew a rare amused smile from the normally serious Were. It didn't last long. Raythe said you got bad–
I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it.
His deep brown eyes regarded her calmly for a moment before he nodded once and fell back. You aren't alone.
The words hurt. He was right, but at the same time not. The ones she wanted most, needed most, weren't here. Closing her eyes, she once again tried to bury the raging sorrow and pain within her. Soon she'd at least have Kei back.
When they reached the house, she told Silas that Hale would be coming by later before going up to her room. Baelan hovered, but she glared at him when he tried to follow her up the stairs.
Closing the door, she pressed her back against the wood. Everything came rushing back, flooding her with emotions she didn't want to feel. Dead. They were dead. Gone…
The room disappeared…darkness…silence…
With a gasp, she forced her eyes open. Yes, like that. Heart beating furiously, her breathing came in frantic pants. Wrapping her arms around herself, she slid to the floor. Fingernails bit into her upper arms. Rocking, she began banging the back of her head against the door, harder and harder.
Tears finally made their escape, and she broke, curling forward and sobbing into her raised knees. Shaking so hard bile rose in her throat, she struggled not to scream. Raising her head, she brought her hands to her mouth as a tortured wail of sorrow ripped out of her. She was losing her mind, herself, everything…
Someone knocked tentatively on the door.
The faint sound jolted her back to reality. Sniffling, she choked on another sob as she frantically wiped at her face. "What?"
"Hale is here," Baelan said softly.
Had so much time passed? Tipping her head back, she took a long breath and surged to her feet. "I'll be right down."
"Arowyn…" His voice cracked.
"Go away."
He did.
∞ ∞ ∞
She washed her face, took another deep breath, and strangely felt better. Guilt swarmed through her thoughts and she clenched her teeth against it.
Opening her door, she frowned when she saw Baelan leaning against the wall by Kei's room. Head bowed, his hair once again hid his face. Guilt pressed on her again, though for a different reason.
Shaking her head, she strode past him and down the stairs. He followed silently. Stopping at the bottom, she turned and grimaced. He was going to drive her insane. "Go find something to do."
Stopping, he nodded, avoiding her eyes. "Can you be more specific, please?"
"I'm not your mother," she snapped.
"No," he agreed softly, turning his head away. "You are my master."
Nausea cramped her stomach. Her mouth grew dry. She didn't want this. "Maybe I should have just killed you."
Nodding slightly, his gaze fell to the floor. "What would you like me to do?"
A deep breath huffed out of her. She pressed her fingers to her temples. "I don't know. Clean something?" Giving her head a shake, she turned on her heel and continued down the hall, not bothering to see if he followed or not.
Hale waited for her in the practice room, spinning a long wood pole around in his hands. "Rough day?"
Walking over to get the other staff where it leaned against the wall, she snorted. "Could say that."
"Heard you had an interesting one yesterday."
Coming to stand before him, she gave him a dirty look and he laughed. "It's not really funny."
"I suppose not. Ready?"
Standing off to the side, they began with simple spins and blocks. She still wasn't used to the long weapon and occasionally it would hit the floor or her leg and she
'd have to start over again.
"Maybe I'm too short," she muttered after a long string of failed attempts to copy his actions.
"Height has nothing to do with it. It's just not something you're used to."
Grimacing, she wiped sweat from her forehead and then wiped the palm of each hand on her pants.
Elaina is here, Silas informed her.
Thank you.
Not long after the bouncy auburn-haired woman paused in the doorway and waved. Keeping her pole spinning, she flashed her a quick grin and nod. Hale did the same, and then Elaina wandered back to the kitchen.
"Any word on when they'll marry?"
"After Kei returns."
He stepped back, pole still spinning. "That's a bit vague."
Lunging forward, she tried to remember how much they'd told him about Kei. Not much. "Soon," she finally said.
Before he could reply, she attacked with more power, trying to get rid of the pain and frustration bubbling inside of her. The clack of wood on wood almost drowned out the faint footsteps. Both she and Hale paused as Elaina came rushing back in, face white and eyes wide.
"There is an Elf? An Elf in the kitchen!" She made motions by the side of her head, which Aro assumed meant to show pointed ears.
Struggling to hold in a laugh, she nodded instead. "So there is."
Elaina raised a hand to her chest. "But they aren't real!"
She shrugged. "Go tell him that." It took everything she had not to say "I told you so." However, Elaina look frazzled enough she gave Hale an apologetic look. "I think that's all for today." To Bo, Elaina just met Baelan. You might want to hurry home.
Did he hurt her?
No, she just seems a bit…overwhelmed.
I'll be right there.
Smiling shyly, Hale put his pole away. "No worries. It's been a long day. Will you be around tomorrow?"
She hesitated before answering. "No. Kei is coming back."
Frowning, he shook his head. "That…" he glanced at Elaina, "boy? He's been gone all winter. You're just going to let him–"
Raising a hand, she stopped his angry tirade. He was taken from me. Tomorrow I will get him back.
What are you talking about?
Her shoulders slumped. It's a long story.
Weariness suddenly bore down on her. Perhaps he noticed because he stopped asking questions. "You can ask Bo, if you want. It's… I don't want to talk about it right now."
Watching her carefully for a long moment, he finally nodded. Stepping close, he gave her an awkward hug. "You look worn out. Get some rest."
"I will."
The front door slammed closed. Bo strode into the room, face set in a worried frown. Too tired to deal with everyone, she said a quick goodnight and slipped away as he pulled Elaina into his arms. Pausing by the kitchen door, she peeked her head in, wondering what Baelan had been doing to scare Elaina.
She found him on his knees scrubbing the floor. "Get some sleep. You can finish tomorrow." Not waiting for an answer, she trudged up the stairs looking forward to her bed…though not the nightmares sure to come.
"Wait! Please."
Something in his voice made her stop on the stairs. "What is it now," she asked wearily.
"There hasn't really been a chance, but… I'm supposed to ask you something."
That caught her attention and she turned. "Prince?"
He nodded, but his brows drew together. "I'm to ask how the tree is doing?"
Her eyes widened as he shrugged, clearly having no idea what the prince meant. But she did.
"Thank you," she whispered, turning and moving back up the stairs, a hand over her mouth.
The dreams had been real.
Chapter 30
Broken Kei
The nightmares woke her more than once, sweating, panting, and terrified. When she dreamed of her brothers, grief again overcame her. By the time sunlight began to light her room she'd given up on sleep. Maybe she'd never sleep again. Quite the thought, she wished it were possible.
Staring at the ceiling, she tried not to think, not to let everything get to her. She couldn't be a hysterical mess, not today.
Checking on the tree within her mind brought only a little comfort. It lived and grew, so something must be going right.
Forcing herself to get up, she stumbled when her feet hit the floor and sat down abruptly on the edge of the bed. Running shaking hands briskly over her face, trying to hold herself in one piece, seemed an impossible task.
"I can do this," she whispered to herself. "I'm strong. I'm fine. Everything is fine." Repeating the words over and over in her head, she eventually managed to force herself up and moving.
Half-dressed, she struggled with tying the laces on her short bodice. A wonderful piece of clothing she'd found in the shops, it certainly beat wrapping her breasts.
The latched clicked and her door swung open. Spinning around, her hands went to her daggers. Garen trotted into her room and jumped up on her bed, turning once before flopping down.
Good morning. His mouth opened wide in a yawn.
She snorted and went in search of socks.
You look horrible.
I feel horrible. Finding a pair, she headed back to sit beside him on the bed to put them on. You don't look too awake yourself. Up watching him again?
No, I knew where he was with all the pacing. He bumped his head against her arm. You had a very bad night.
It wasn't a question, but she nodded anyway. Giving his head a pat, she then pushed him out of her way and starting putting on her boots.
What's bothering you? You were quite out of sorts last night, as well. Did something happen?
Well, I said goodbye to Roan, and that was rather awkward. Baelan is driving me crazy, and I really have no idea what to do with him. I'm worried about Kei, and that I've still heard nothing from Prince. And… She paused, concentrating on tying her laces. Is Bo up?
Garen's tongue lolled out in amusement. What do you think?
Get him up. I'll talk to you both about it. Meet me down in the kitchen?
He pushed his head against her again and she twisted to hug his neck. Giving him one more scratch, she stood. He jumped off the bed and slipped out the door, more silent than any normal dog would ever be.
Heading to a dresser for a shirt, she ran her fingers through her hair, or tried to. The back was a horribly knotted mess. She gave up trying to work her fingers through it and dug through the drawers instead, looking for something she could layer under a sweater.
Finally finding the shirt she'd been looking for, she slammed the drawer closed and turned. Her eyes widened and she froze, seeing Baelan standing in the doorway staring at her. Anger rose within her as she flipped out the shirt and pushed her arms into the sleeves. Men. It wasn't like she was naked.
"Get used to it," she snapped. "The forest doesn't have much privacy."
He jerked and his head lowered, shoulders curving even more. She noticed how horrible he looked. He'd put on the ratty clothes he'd arrived in and his tangled hair again fell over his face.
Pulling the shirt up and over her head, she settled it into place, still trying to control her irritation and anger. He looked pathetic, and it galled her for some reason.
Striding to her dresser, she grabbed a brush and started jerking it through her hair as he just stood there in silence.
After she'd cursed a few times his head finally rose a bit. "Would you like me to–?"
"No," she said tersely.
His head dropped again and she cursed some more.
Finally getting her hair brushed out, she stomped over to him, putting her hands on hips. "Stop looking so rotting pathetic."
Raising his head, he peeked at her in surprise from behind his hair.
Sticking the handle of her brush between her teeth, she reached out and tucked his hair behind his ears. Removing the brush, she nodded once. "Better."
His hand rose, covering the scar on his face.
"We all
have scars. Get over it," she said firmly. His hand reluctantly dropped to his side.
She poked him in the stomach. "Stand up straight. Shoulders back." Sticking a finger under his chin, she pushed. "Chin up."
Frowning, creases appeared between his lowered eyes.
She let out a weary sigh. "This is what you chose," she said softly. "Your actions, your choices, brought you to this. Take responsibility for them, and take some pride in your choice to try to mend your mistakes and restore your honor."
His eyes rose to meet hers. The pain in them, the heartbreaking sorrow, struck a chord within her.
"I am…" Pausing, he stood a little straighter. "I am sorry, for what I did to you. I understand it was wrong," he continued, speaking slowly and softly. "I was wrong. I will work hard, to gain your forgiveness and to repay the damage I have done."
"Good," she answered sharply. "Perhaps one day I will forgive you." Hesitating, a memory came back. "I remember… you said you didn't hate me. I probably don't fully understand why you did it, but I know you wanted to protect him. That means something to me. I will not hurt you." She gestured, taking him all in. "You've been punished enough and have given yourself your own punishment, having to be with me."
"Serve you," he corrected.
She made a face at the words. "Even so, you need to remember… You are still Baelan. From what I've heard, he was quite the powerful Elf. Acting like you have, like some whipped, tortured animal, you don't…it's not…" Her words sputtered out as she tried to figure out what she was trying to say. "You're still you," she finally finished, knowing that wasn't quite it.
"I…understand," he whispered.
"Good." She slapped the flat end of the brush against his stomach. "Now brush your hair. Clean yourself up."
Leaving a startled Elf behind her, she headed for the kitchen, trying to get her wild hair into a braid as she walked. It had grown too much, at least halfway down her back now. Maybe Kei would… She stopped that thought. First she had to get him back.
After getting the fire in the oven going, she set a kettle on it and then headed out to the side yard. She closed her eyes and found Kei. He remained north and slightly east. Standing perfectly still, she concentrated, trying to discern if he was moving yet or not. He didn't seem to be, but then perhaps Damon hadn't left yet. He could certainly cover a lot of ground quickly. From his message, she assumed he wanted to meet her after dark and not too far from the city since he'd chosen a moonless night. With a frustrated sigh, she returned to the kitchen.
