by Atha, DL
Mom had made pizza. Not the frozen kind but the old‐ fashioned, deep‐dish meat pie she was famous for. I could smell the peppers and fresh tomatoes from outside the apartment. I leaned my head against the doorframe, wishing I could eat pizza, talk about boys, and study for spelling tests. If only I’d left the morning after Asa had found me, then I’d be doing exactly those things. But when he said he’d track and kill my entire family, I believed him. Always the gullible one, I reminded myself.
“You are in this situation now because of your pride.
Arrogance was your greatest flaw,” Asa said from beside me. Two days ago, I’d have been startled to find him beside me. Now it was just old hat, and I didn’t even bother to swing at him this time. He looked just like he had the night before I staked him.
“I’m in this situation because you were a monster,” I answered. My voice was calm. Even I could hear that. It was sort of like I was standing outside my own body listening to the insanity. Part of me knew I was hallucinating. Part of me didn’t. The rest of me didn’t care. I rested my forehead against the rough brick of the wall.
“Is that what you truly believe, Annalice? Is it not more likely that you were partly a monster to begin with? Only another monster could have survived something as bad as me.”
“No,” I said out loud, but I nodded my head yes. My forehead slid up and down on the brick facing of the complex wall, and blood welled to the surface of my skin, but I didn’t care about that either. I was much too focused on Asa’s words. He’d said that from the beginning, that he could sense something in me. Some sort of darkness. I thought he was lying, but maybe it was true. Maybe it did take darkness to survive darkness.
“You are lying to yourself, Annalice. You are as bad as I ever hoped to be. One more monster in a sea of monsters. You were going to protect her from the world. But you cannot even protect her from yourself.”
He’d gone too far again. I was about to fly into him when the door opened. My mouth was open and one hand was raised in anger.
“Annalice?” she questioned. Mom stood hesitantly, the door opened halfway in front of her and her body partially shielded by the door’s bulk. “Who are you talking to?”
Beside me, Asa stood smiling. Handsome, cruel. A laughing son of a bitch. “A dead son of a bitch,” I whispered partly to myself and partly to her. He’s just a hallucination.
He gloated at me as he leaned against the wall.
“Quit smiling at me,” I hissed at him. Mom glanced in the direction I was looking, her eyes getting wider. Can she see him? No, he’s not real, I reminded myself.
“Annalice, you’re scaring me. I think you need to leave.” Mom started to shut the door gently, but I put my hand up like a white flag. I looked away so my eyes wouldn’t scare her all the more.
“Please, Mom. You took Ellie. I don’t have anything left. Please, let me talk to her. And then I’ll leave.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you, Annie.”
“That’s a lie, Mom. You did this. And that damn detective did this. I’m her mother.” All the emotion I felt poured through in that one word. “Ellie!” I called around Mom’s body. “I need to talk to you!”
“Think about what you’re doing, Annalice!” Mom’s voice rose only slightly as she stepped across the threshold and pulled the door shut behind her. Calm on the exterior, a human would have never noticed the slight shake in her words. But a daughter would, and I was that daughter. She was afraid, and that fear made me angry and so very sad at the same time. I stepped back to give her space.
“You think about what you’re doing, Mom. You took the only thing I have left in this life.” My voice broke and bloody tears rolled down my face as I shoved a finger in her direction.
“What did you think, Annie? That you could raise her? Look at yourself! You’re in no condition to take care of anyone, let alone her. You don’t even come home anymore.” Her words were quieter now, but they rang in my ears like she was yelling.
“I’m her mother.” I hesitated for a second before I finished. “You’re my mother, and you know what she means to me.” Unable to look at her, my eyes traced the cracks that trailed through the concrete walkway underneath our feet.
“You were her mother. You were my daughter. Only I don’t know what you are now. I’m not sure that I want to know. But I do know that you are not yourself. Whatever you are, you’re not right. You are not capable of looking after Ellie right now.” She opened the door and took a few steps backwards into the entryway of the small rental. I knew she couldn’t turn her back on me.
“I want to see her, Mom.”
“No, Annie. She doesn’t need the distraction.”
“And you don’t think it’s a distraction that you took her away from me? Away from her home? I have nothing left, Mom. At least before, I had her. And it gave me a reason to keep trying. To fight this.” My voice broke into loud, racking sobs.
“She knows you’re sick, Annie. She understands more than you think she does, and she recognizes that you’re not the same. She’s not afraid of you. I’m not sure how you’ve managed that, but she knows you’re in trouble.”
“I want to see her. Now!” I said, my voice harsher.
“Like this?” Mom gestured at me. “Do you really want her to see you like this? When’s the last time you bathed? You haven’t changed your clothes in at least two days. Is that blood or mud on your jeans? I’m thinking both. You haven’t even combed your hair, and you want to see her?”
If I were human, I’d have flushed with shame. I attempted to run a hand through the hornet’s nest on the back of my head. I blotted at the mud stain on my right cheek. I could see it in the reflection of the window. My shoes were spotted with blood and mud, and I was still wearing the clothes I’d worn to the bar the night before. They were the same clothes I was wearing when I killed the cow. I tried to change the subject.
“I would never hurt her, Mom. Or you. What’s happened to me can never change how much I love you both. I only did this for the two of you,” I said, gesturing to myself. “I’m not evil.”
“Are you sure, Annie? And are you willing to take a chance with her life? You’re not human anymore. At least not completely. I can feel it even though I can’t explain it. When I think about what my gut tells me, I feel like I need to have my head examined. But I have to trust my gut and not my brain on this one. My daughter, the one you claim to be would never endanger her child, so I have to wonder exactly what you are. Two nights back, you were gone again as usual. Ellie and I woke to the worst sounds I’ve heard in a long time. A group of coyotes were going nuts in the pasture. I’ve heard coyotes before, Annie, but nothing like this. I called you, but you never answered, so I called the detective. And do you know what he found in the pasture?”
I looked down at my feet embarrassed. I knew what he’d seen.
“A dead cow. A dead cow, Annie! Not that a dead cow is odd in and of itself. But its throat had been slit, and that’s certainly out of the normal, don’t you think? Something had to be done about it this morning. I told Detective Rumsfield you would take care of it. That you were a whiz with the tractor. I waited around for you this morning, hoping against hope that you’d be there, but of course, you weren’t. You’re never there. I stayed up all night waiting for you. I called the detective last night about the cow to see if he thought it was related to the other incidents. And guess what, Annie? Any idea what he asked me?”
I knew exactly what the detective had said and exactly what he was going to say because he’d pulled up behind me and parked. I could smell Detective Rumsfield’s cologne as soon as he stepped out of his truck.
“The detective asked if I thought you could have killed the cow,” she said, answering her own question.
Mom waited for my reaction, but I didn’t give her one. I was too focused on Rumsfield walking up behind me. I pretended not to notice, but I could hear his every breath, the rustle of the hair on his arms against his jacket
while he walked, and his heart beating in his chest. I could smell his strength and even his fear. But not the cowardly kind of fear that oozes out when you’re turning to run. This was the kind of fear that only those willing to die for someone else can produce. For the second time in two weeks, I wanted to pour out all my troubles to him, break down and lay it all on his strong shoulders, but that would be a mistake because no one’s shoulders were that strong, right? Why did my senses threaten to drown me any time he was near?
I turned my respect into anger. Rumsfield had no business getting so involved. Why can’t he just leave me alone?
Mom’s voice was starting to break. “And the sad part, Annie, is that I couldn’t say no. Maybe you did kill the cow. I wouldn’t have a clue because I don’t know you anymore.”
I felt my anger for Rumsfield solidify like a cloak around me. If he’d just mind his own damn business. “Did you call the detective when you heard me at the door tonight?” I knew the answer, but for some reason I had to ask.
Mom took a deep breath. “This isn’t about him, Annie. Detective Rumsfield was only trying to help. It was him that buried the cow this morning. I have no idea what I would have done without him. He said to call him when you showed up tonight. We both knew that you would, and he’s just here to make sure this goes smoothly.”
I nodded my head but still didn’t look directly at her. I refused to acknowledge Rumsfield standing a few feet away at all. “Yeah, you needed to make sure that you taking my daughter went smoothly. This is bullshit, Mom.”
“Annie, I need you to leave.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was getting nowhere fast. I knew I needed to calm down and try a different approach. Was now the time to explain that unbreachable gulf? Maybe I’d been wrong. What if she could handle the truth?
“Mom, let me explain. I’ve never told you everything that happened while you were away. Then you can at least try to understand what I went through—what I gave up to be here.”
She held up her hand in front of her chest, warding off my words and pushing my explanations back. “I can’t listen to any more of this insanity.”
“Mom, please. I’m lucky to have any life at all,” I said, beseeching her to listen, to give me a chance. I caught her eyes, but she shifted her gaze quickly away. I had to keep trying no matter if my hungry eyes frightened her or not. “Mom, I’m serious. Look at me. I’m lucky to be here at all.” Still nothing. She looked everywhere except at me. My heart sank, and the sensation was the same as when I was human. It felt like it landed somewhere around my pelvis. Maybe more so because every emotion was doubled. I’d expected pity. But not this. She wished I hadn’t made it out alive, and she was ashamed that she felt that way. That look frightened me more than any of Asa’s threats or the detective’s suspicions and warnings. It cut me off, divided me, from the person I’d been. I think it was the first time I realized that perhaps I couldn’t get back to where my life had left off, or maybe her expression stripped all of that hope away. Either way, it shut me down, and for the first time since my conversion, I felt truly dead.
“I see.” I took a step back and brought my hands to my temples, pulling my hands through my hair. “Wow! I see it now. Call me a river in Egypt because it took me a while, but I get it now. I’d be better off dead.”
I waited, hoping she’d refute my words, but she only stared at me resolutely. Once the words were out for the both of us to acknowledge, there was no way to pull them back in, to unspeak them. There was no going back. Only one thing was left to be said. I couldn’t raise Ellie by myself, not when I fell over in a stupor every sunrise, and the police wouldn’t leave me alone. “Tell her I love her. Every day, Mom. Remind her of that. Thinking of the two of you was what kept me alive this past week. It was all I had. It’s all I’ll ever have.”
Rumsfield, leaning rigidly against the stairwell to the second floor, watched us as we talked. I could see him from the corner of my eye. My peripheral vision was as sharp as my central. He tried to look relaxed, but I could see the outline of a small gun in his right front pocket, his hand resting nonchalantly, fingers half in, half out. His left hand was dangling suspiciously near his holstered gun on his left.
The sound of my mother’s whispered voice reached me as I turned away. “Annie, I’m sorry. It’s for the best.” She took a deep breath, looking for the calm in the storm. “If any part of you really is my daughter and Ellie’s mother, please listen to me. Don’t come here again. Leave Ellie alone. Let her go. Let us both go. You should know that I’ll take care of her because I love her like I loved you. And forgive me because you know I’m doing what I think is best for her or I wouldn’t be doing it. And I will tell her every day how much you loved her.”
Rumsfield peeled himself off the railing as I turned from the door. One hand was still fingering the hidden gun. He was just letting me know it was there, I guessed. Behind me, I felt the wind from Mom starting to close the door. Her heart was thumping against her chest so loud it nearly hurt my ears, and I went from being cut off from the entire situation to once more feeling massively betrayed.
Where had the cops been when I was fighting for survival? Why hadn’t Rumsfield done more to protect me and why was my mother, the person who should be fighting the most for me, taking from me the only thing that mattered in life? Shouldn’t they both be on my side? I’d done nothing wrong. Beside me, Asa reappeared and agreed.
“You should disembowel them both for their treachery,” Asa said.
I looked towards him and he smiled, fangs bared and lips red—so full of blood and promise. Maybe Asa was right. Why had I killed him?
The door to the apartment was nearly closed when I thrust a hand forward and rocked it on its hinges. I heard the friction of metal on denim as Rumsfield pulled his gun. From the corner of my eye, I could see the small barrel pointed at me. The detective’s hand shook a little; the muscles in his forearms were taut and gleaming with a little sweat. His nervousness wasn’t from a lack of experience. His gut said something was wrong with me, and yet his evidence would never stand up in court. The logic in his brain couldn’t quite convince him that pulling a gun on me was the right thing to do. I had to give him credit for his willingness to go out on a limb for my mother and child, knowing it might cost him his career.
Mom gasped to my right and tried to push the door shut. She might as well have been holding back a tornado. My head jerked around towards her as I held the door. She didn’t let go, but she didn’t back down. I didn’t try to protect her from my eyes this time. My hungry gaze fell on her full force, and she shrunk back mouse‐like. Her arms dropped down by her sides, and she stepped backwards, catching the door for balance.
My emotions were being flung from one extreme to the other. Where I’d felt betrayed and shut down and then angry, I now skipped straight to shame. This was the woman who’d held me through thunderstorms and washed my skinned knees. Rocked me to sleep when I was afraid of the boogeyman. She’d cheered for me as I crossed the stage to accept my medical degree. The awfulness of what I was doing dissolved my delusion of Asa, and his form faded away.
“I forgive you,” I answered. She was still slack‐jawed when I leaned over and pulled the door shut.
Rumsfield’s gun was still leveled at me when I disappeared into the darkness of the parking lot. I didn’t look at him as I left, and I could have cared less if he’d shot me. In fact, I wished he would. Maybe the pain would have lessened the fracturing pain from my heart.
Chapter 12
The walk home was a slow and lonely one. I walked because there was really no reason to run. No reason to hurry. Where was I going to go except back to an empty house? I had no one to visit and other than a few work friendships that ended once I drove out of the hospital parking lot, I had no one I could even talk to. I was completely alone.
Nothing but an empty house waited for me when I got there, and it was so cold and lonely without Ellie and Mom to make it feel like a t
rue home that I couldn’t force myself to go into it. Even the animals in the pasture were gone. Rumsfield must have taken the three horses, as well as the cows that had ranged the pasture, when he buried the dead one. And Samuel wasn’t there to chase the birds that landed on the deck and bark furiously at the squirrels as they made dives towards the bird feeders. The windows of the house stared towards the lawn like empty eye sockets, and the front door, left open by me, gaped like a mouth opened in dread. I couldn’t bear to go back into it.
The cellar where I’d been sleeping wasn’t any more appealing, so I stretched out on the front lawn, planning to wait until closer to dawn before going to my sleeping hole in the cellar.
“You must be very thankful that you survived me for this,” Asa said beside me. I didn’t flinch at the sound of his voice. I’d come to expect it. He’d stretched out beside me on the grass and was studying the stars as I had been.
“I’m thankful for every second I had with my family,” I answered.
Asa smirked his most annoying grin. “Yes, humans often speak of quality time. You are spending such large amounts of it with them now.”
I rolled away. “Someday, things are going to be normal. I’ll be a mother and daughter again, once I figure all of this out.” The sliver of hope was sharp, and I just couldn’t quit cutting myself with it.
“Nothing is ever going to be normal again, Annalice.”
“Luckily that doesn’t mean much coming from a hallucination,” I answered. “I’m going to keep fighting for them no matter what you say.”
“The effort is wasted.”
“You only say that because you had no one to fight for. You had nothing to keep you sane, but I do, and it will make all the difference.”
Asa had been alone in his second life. No friends and no family. His family had been killed by his maker, and he in turn had killed his fiancée. Only two days back, I’d found a picture of his mother that he’d carried around with him. Even he had been unable to empty his heart of all his human emotions.
