by Leanne Davis
She walked right up into his face and slapped his arm. It was a harmless attempt at making her point rather than a negative touch. “It wasn’t a date. It was all business. Your business, you idiot. That man could turn out to be the source of the thousands of dollars for the rescue. This was the sales pitch of a lifetime and you almost ruined it.”
“I didn’t even know he was there. You didn’t tell me.”
“Yes, we already established how badly I screwed up. But you could have apologized to him. Or at least, tried to make him feel welcome. You couldn’t have been more freaking off-putting. Why do you do that? You did it to me when I first met you too. Why, Finn? Why can’t you relax and just let people know you? The real you. The good you?”
“Because he was eye fucking you from the moment I noticed him until he left here. And you failed to mention that I was your boyfriend. But you sure hammered home how deaf I am.”
Her eyebrows shot upwards. “First off, we’ve never said I was your girlfriend. You never call me that or talk about me like that. And if you could hear me now, you’d realize all the goddamned anger in my voice. If you’d act like my boyfriend once in a while, then maybe I’d feel like you were. And second, it was a business meeting. I had no reason to divulge my personal life. And third…”
“Third, you were flirting right back at him. Using your looks to get what you wanted from him.”
Her shoulders flopped downwards. “I was being friendly. Yes. It’s just how I am. With all people, men and women. I’m outgoing and I get along with them. Especially new people. I try to connect and discover their likes and dislikes. Do you know why? I do it so I know what to talk about and show interest in. It’s the way I’ve always been. I’ve managed to make a lot of people like me over the years. That’s not a flaw. I like people to like me. I like people. It doesn’t mean anything beyond that.”
“He assumed your interest was in fucking. Each other. I might be deaf, but years of staring at people when they talk and watching their body language has taught me how to read it pretty clearly. It took no skill to read that unmistakable message between you two, however.”
“No. That was all him. I was not giving him vibes that I wanted to fuck him. I was being friendly. Yes, I playfully flirt. It works for me. And if you think he’s the only one I do it with, you haven’t paid much attention to me. I do it with men and women, guys and girls. It’s called being approachable. Friendly. By the way, how do you think you and I ever progressed to becoming friends? Huh? How do you think it happened? It was all because of me. I was friendly to you. I showed interest in you. I am the only source of sex you’ve had in the last three years. So you liked that about me. It isn’t offensive or deceptive, not like you’re making it sound. You’re just jealous. At least you could own it and quit throwing it at me. I haven’t done anything wrong. I am exactly as I always was with you.”
“Exactly. And you ended up fucking me.”
“So you’re saying I did it with you so I must do the same thing with every guy I smile at? I talk to a lot of people, and I’m as friendly as you just witnessed. I do it all without ever fucking them, Finn. You’re jealous.”
He ran his hands through his hair, visibly distressed. Annoyed. He was unable to express why he was so upset. And he couldn’t share his feelings with this perfect, shining, smiling, joyful creature before him. This girl, who had everything in the world going for her, was accusing him of being jealous. Of course he was jealous. She had every reason to be as friendly and flirtatious and assertive and confident as she was. Most people showed a favorable response to her because she deserved their warmth and interest. She had mastered the social niceties to an art.
She shook her head. “Why can’t you be gentler to people when you meet them? Let them get to know you before you bristle so much? Why can’t you let them see the Finn I see?”
He turned away from her and started pacing. “Why can’t I be like that?” He actually paused long enough to face her before his shoulders dropped and the righteous anger he felt deflated from his chest. Shaking his head, he admitted, “Because most people react to me the same way your mother does, not the way you do. You’re the damn aberration. You’re the odd man out. You’re the only one who reacts to me the way you do. That’s why. You see me differently than anyone else does because you treat me so differently. I can’t do that with anyone else. Being shunned by people while growing up when I tried to communicate with them left me with a clear, powerful message. So yeah, you’re goddamned right I’m jealous. Seeing you with a hearing, speaking, normal guy who looks like that and drives a fancy car like his? He’s everything I’ll never be.”
He shouldn’t have spoken. Turning his back to her, his anger burned inside his chest, climbing up his throat and into his mouth. His brain was buzzing like he was high and inarticulate. Worst of all, he had no control of his voice, his tone, or the sounds he made. He couldn’t monitor his words and the truth was private, something he didn’t share with anyone. What idiot would share his insecurities, and downer, dark thoughts, with a woman who was more like the sun to those who came near her? She was bright and golden. Shiny, smart and warm, her assets literally radiated off her. She eclipsed ordinary people with her brilliance, and Finn was less than ordinary. He shook his head. He didn’t know her answer. But of course, she’d wait until he looked.
Her hands touched him, resting just below his shoulders, on his upper arms. She pressed her face and body into his back and he felt her warm breath. She kissed the center of his back and wrapped her arms tightly around his torso, holding him. A flood of warmth and brilliance were seeping out of her. That was her answer. As well as Brianna communicated with Darren Santis or Cami Reed or Jacob Starr, so she conveyed her thoughts and feelings just as clearly to Finn.
No, she never reacted to him like anyone else did. Despite his initial resistance, he easily succumbed to her tenderness and care and words… so many words. Did anyone talk to him as much as Brianna did? He didn’t think so. But she was always sweet and cheerful and endearing in whatever was on her mind. She rarely annoyed him. She engaged him, making him part of something, interacting with life. For someone who spent the majority of the hours in a day, in seclusion, it was potent stuff. It could have become addicting too because Finn liked to have her attention centered on him.
Sure, he was fucking jealous. But more than that, he was scared. He dared not admit he needed and wanted her, because when she left him, he knew it would destroy him.
She clung to him for a long moment until he let the tension fall from his shoulders. His hands slid up to clasp hers and her arms were tightly holding him, embracing him to reveal her closeness, warmth, caring, and tenderness. He knew that too.
She never stopped trying to convince Finn of her sincerity.
All the time that she was with him, she tried to show him the world as she experienced it. She tried to make him feel and in some form “hear” everything she did. She tried to connect him, not just to her, but the rest of the world as she saw and experienced it. She tried to make him hear her. She tried to make him feel normal. And the fucking most exasperating thing about that? It worked. It helped him more than anything else in his entire life.
He was angry at first. Her parents seemed lukewarm about him as they pointed to themselves during normal conversations. He felt ridiculous and went red hot with embarrassment. But the thing was: it worked. People slowed their speech, fully aware of him listening and not getting so caught up in their discussions. They slowed down and tried not to move all around before indicating who was speaking next. And if they didn’t? Brianna sharply reminded everyone to include Finn while they talked. They talked slower and made sure their mouths were in sight so Finn could follow. Brianna never once had to tell him something later or say never mind, it wasn’t important. She’d stop people’s conversations and turn to Finn to clearly enunciate or recap the conversation so he knew what it was about.
Finn hated it. It embarrassed him to be
singled out. He hated to make others have to compromise for him or fully react to his deafness.
But he also loved it. At last, others had to acknowledge and account for his presence. Making him visible to others gave him presence. He was there. Part of the world. And Brianna seemed to think that mattered. A lot.
Strangest for Finn to accept was her unflagging insistence to convince him that it did matter he was there.
She texted him all the time. She even texted during conversations with others to make sure he kept up. She checked in with him regularly. If he missed something, she never once told him to never mind or she’d tell him later. She always addressed him as if he were part of the conversation… even if he wasn’t. No one else had ever treated him like that. Like he mattered so much.
So now? Because of her inclusion, he talked more often and conversed with other people. Which also made it so he was too scared to go back to being alone. Terrified. He totally freaked out that he’d end up buried in solitude and silence again.
He shook his head as he let out a long deep breath. He turned and returned her embrace. He stared down at her face. She was good at making sure he had a view of her mouth and her speech. Unlike the rest of the population, Brianna liked to talk to him.
“I should have apologized to that guy. But when I saw him, I figured he was what you should be with.”
“He’s not who I want or care about.”
“I honestly sometimes wish you’d never happened to me.”
Her gaze scrunched up. “Why would you say such a thing?”
“I am jealous. I’m jealous and scared and insecure, which is totally unattractive and unsexy. And if you hadn’t entered my life, I wouldn’t know or care what I’m missing. But the only way I can have it now is through you. It’s too much to put on anyone else so when we break up, where does that leave me?”
She kept her big-eyed, luminous gaze on his. He had to break eye contact when she leaned forward, gripping both sides of his cheeks and began kissing his mouth with the softest, most tender, most innocent, soul-stirring kiss anyone ever gave him.
She leaned back just enough so he could see her mouth. “I won’t leave you. I won’t desert you. I will always be here with you. Not because I have to, but because, for the first time in my life, I want to be. Only you. I want you and no one else. Never again. I’m sorry I underestimated what this was like for you. I’m sorry I flirted and stirred up your doubts regarding me and us. I didn’t realize how it would make you feel. I won’t knowingly do so again.”
He shut his eyes. “You can’t be less than you are, Brianna. That’s what makes you, you. It’s what drew me to you in the first place; so of course, it draws everyone else to you. Even Darren.”
“You can trust me. I can’t promise you I won’t smile and talk or even flirt. It’s how I interact. It’s easy for me. But I can promise you this: it’s not about sex. I only have sexual thoughts toward you and about us together. It isn’t that. It’s me—”
“Being beautiful and brave and friendly, you have to be yourself. You deserve to be yourself and the world is better for you being in it. Most of all, my world is better.”
She leaned forward and touched her lips to his again. Eyes closed and then open, she stared up at him. “I feel the same about you. I have to go to Everett late next week to meet Darren again. Come with me. Come meet my dad and his stupid wife, Trinity. Come see the rest of my life.”
Finn nodded. His heart thumped with gratitude that she asked him and wanted him to accompany her. The warmth her interest and inclusion of him kindled his desire, although it nearly repelled him—to feel so needy for it. His need for her concerned him. Before he met her, he needed no one. Nothing. He just lived his life by surviving.
Never living.
Brianna was so vital, joyful, vibrant… and alive. An inner light burned inside her, and she seemed to illuminate him. The dark, silent world he found comfort in was gone. Now? It was silent, sure, but less dark. Much less dark.
Now Brianna wanted to share her friends, her family and her personal interests with him. She wanted to make him part of it in a normal, healthy, interactive way. Just like he imagined most couples did. Most human beings did. He just never experienced it before.
“I’ll have to ask Jack for time off…”
“I can’t wait for you to meet my dad.”
She closed her eyes for a long moment. Yes, it mattered to her he was happy. He was there. He wasn’t annoyed or mad and he was stunned every time he realized it.
Trust. She so easily trusted him. She expected it in return. She knew no other way. It was disconcerting, however, when it led to things like this.
They saw the world so differently, and it wasn’t just hearing versus deaf.
Chapter Thirteen
A WEEK LATER, FINN was closing the door on Brianna’s sedan before grabbing his duffel bag and following her up to her father’s front door. He’d been granted four days off so they had a total of six days together to spend there. Finn couldn’t remember the last time he had so many days off all at once and he doubted he’d ever had anything like this, a vacation.
Brianna all but bounced up the walkway, she was so excited to see her dad. She talked a lot about her parents’ divorce before their arrival and tried to explain to Finn how hard it was on her. She believed her parents loved each other, and discovering they didn’t was a bitter pill to swallow.
“But of course, my hardship was nothing hard like what you’ve had to go through. Or Cami. Duh. It was just a divorce. All parties are still alive and present even. All are healthy. In fact, my parents get along now like old best friends as far as raising us is concerned. I’m so lucky. It’s just, you know, what happened…”
“It broke your heart.”
She shrugged. “Well, I haven’t had a lot of bad things happen to me. So sure. Yes. It did. But comparatively speaking—”
“Brianna, you can feel hurt about your parents’ divorce and having to live in separate homes with me.”
She glanced at him and then away. Licking her lips, she shook her head and replied, “No. I can’t. Yours… your parents died.” He could not hear her of course, but he saw her mouth moving when she obviously stressed the words. Her eyes were often filled with concern and sympathy. Unlike most, Brianna was an open book. Her face reflected what he believed her words and tone also portrayed. They usually matched and he believed he heard whatever she said. No one else made him feel comfortable enough to say that about. And she did help… everything. He felt connected and real and an integral part of something significant with someone. “It’s not fair… I can’t compare myself… You were deaf and helpless without anyone to love you. All alone…”
She all but attacked him with her hugs and embraces, kissing before usually having sex whenever she brought up his past. He stopped her and said, “You know, we don’t need to have sex every time you mention that I’m deaf. Or because I’m an orphan. You don’t owe me that.”
She shook her head, her eyes big and sparkling, full of emotion that all but poured out of her. “No. It’s because I want you to know I’m here. I want to connect with you and feel whole and cared about. It isn’t like I think, ‘Oh, I’ll screw him now and get his mind off being deaf.’ It’s the opposite of that. It’s a way for me to connect with you that’s deep and meaningful… I can’t fill the silence, but maybe for a few minutes, I can diminish the loneliness…”
Perhaps he shouldn’t have allowed her. Or maybe he was taking advantage of her just to get laid. She was correct about the three years that passed since the last time he had sex. Now, he was having it regularly with her. It was pretty heady for him and could have become addictive. He treasured it just in case it disappeared.
Truthfully, Brianna’s effect on him, touching him, kissing him, being inside her, all of it did make him feel much less alone. He was no longer forgotten. He heard more as he believed she intended to make him hear. The darkness and isolation that consumed most
of his life slowly retreated. As she revealed the world for him, he began to see it too. However, he feared allowing her to have that kind of power over him.
It was very important that he meet her dad, and, loyal to a fault, she would not be content until she introduced Finn to her entire family.
The front door opened and a man stepped out to meet her. He was tall, black-haired and wearing a button-down shirt and tie with his hair styled back. Brianna increased her pace and all but launched herself into him. He caught her and held her, saying something into her ear. She leaned back and nodded, smiling. Her head was turned to the right so Finn couldn’t fully make out what she said. But the happiness he observed made him smile.
She leaned back, her hand still in her dad’s and turned fully to Finn. She smiled brightly as she caught his eye. Her lips formed the obvious, “Finn, this is my dad, Brett. Dad, this is Finn.”
Brianna was ridiculously honest and open with her parents. Finn hoped it was just with her mom, but he soon gathered she was the same way with her dad too. Finn offered his hand and said the perfunctory, “Hello, Mr. Starr. It’s nice to meet you.”
“And you too, Finn. Welcome. Please come in.” Obviously, her dad knew all about him being deaf, having been schooled by Brianna. He stole a glance her way, wondering what she told him. It must have included specific instructions on how to speak to him. Most likely, it also included an analysis of what he thought of that. Brianna was thorough, as a rule, in the information she told people.
The “people” comprised a small circle: her mom, Joey, her brother, Cami, Charlie and the rest of the Rydells. They saw beyond his deafness and the way he interacted because of it. They probably heard a description of his history along with Brianna’s interpretation of how it affected him back then and now. Sometimes, Finn hesitated to get involved further with her. Being so open and candid was new to him and hard to picture. He found it difficult to embrace after having been so isolated and private for his entire life. He felt odd if anyone knew about him, including Brianna, but despite that, he struggled to get used to it.
