by Leanne Davis
Something felt strained and different between them now and Brianna was almost desperate in her need to grab him and hold him. She wanted to talk to him, and beg him for his love and understanding and reassurance.
She wanted to beg him to stay with her and not end up with Felicity.
But deep down, she knew she had to let him go. She had to let him expand his life beyond the barn, the horses and her.
Being thrust into his new life, which seemed richer, fuller and with more means of communication and new people, Finn might finally figure out if he wanted to stay with Brianna. Or was she simply the catalyst that heralded and instigated the change he now enjoyed?
Ashamed, she dropped her head. Once, she relished being his only go-to person. She felt like his complete “person.” It almost horrified her to realize how much she liked that connection. Not because of his reliance on her or that she believed she was saving him but because she wanted to be with him all the time. However, it was too soon in their relationship. If she clung to him now, it was the same as clipping his wings when he was just starting to spread them and fly. She knew she would lose him that way. She was convinced of that. She’d push him away from her. Not to Felicity necessarily, but away from her because she wasn’t letting him live his own life or enjoy his autonomy.
“Of course. I think that will be great. Really. I think I’ll try in earnest to go hunt up my brother this week. There are a few friends I haven’t checked in with yet. And my mom really needs to hear from him. It’s been over three months and I still don’t know where he’s living.”
Jacob stormed off the ranch last summer, after claiming he was sick and tired of all the questions regarding his imminent baby and plans to support his new “family.” For none of them could quiet believe Jacob as a father. Not right now. Not with the way he lived and didn’t function.
He hadn’t called or texted since. Her parents were beside themselves with worry and honestly? So was Brianna. Thoughts of her brother made her stomach clench anytime she let herself think about him. What was he doing? How was he doing? Did he work? What was he living on? Was he even eating? Was he safe? High? All the questions swirled around her brain and guts and she often expressed them to Finn but kept her anxieties from her parents. They had their own to contend with.
Finn nodded and Brianna nodded, thereby agreeing to the terms. It felt hollow. Odd. Weird. Sad. She gulped and tried to swallow the lump in her throat but something prevented her. She worried she could be letting something so precious and unique slip through her fingers and all she wanted to do was squeeze her fist shut and keep it. She longed to hold it close again, but in doing so, she knew deep down in her heart that she’d only smother and kill it.
So she smiled. It was fake and pretty obvious. A way she’d never been with Finn before.
When Finn left in her car, Brianna reassured him she could borrow her dad’s or Trinity’s. She smiled and kissed him goodbye, pretending it was so normal.
But they both knew it was not.
****
He was mad. Totally pissed off. She withheld basic information from him about her life and career. She was freaking crazy popular. And talk about earning a living? He was stunned. He knew she wasn’t a braggart although some people assumed she was. When it came to him she was, but she never tooted her own horn. But how could she keep that from him?
He could not deny her success so now he had to wonder what the hell was she doing with the deaf stable boy? The familiar negative stab jolted through his brain and his heart sank. No. Shit. Had she not taught him anything? Primarily, he was not allowed to do that. Self-hate. Self-recrimination and self-doubt. He doubted her.
She wasn’t like that at all, however.
But it was good to take a break after such an intense weekend. He barely recognized his life anymore. Just six months ago, he was alone. Now he had a girlfriend. That in itself was an adjustment he still wasn’t used to. And one like Brianna? And now he had friends too. People who wanted to come visit him at the place where he worked and lived. They teased him and nicknamed him barn boy but that was all in jest and affection. He was wise to have mentioned their upcoming visit to Brianna. She didn’t like it when he failed to share the intimacies with her that he had with others. And he relished talking so easily and to so many people at once. He could experience what hearing people do. He was part of something that didn’t exclude him. Yeah, it was pretty intoxicating to Finn.
He was excited for once. He liked hearing from friends who asked how he spent his days and his phone often had a half dozen messages from them and Brianna. It was kind of crazy for Finn to be on the receiving end of so much communication. People reached out to him and wanted his opinions. They talked to him regularly. He felt like a sponge that was soaking up all the water it could hold. He couldn’t go back to that shrunken, dried out, useless piece of debris that he once identified with—metaphorically speaking, of course.
He shuddered. He wasn’t sure he could handle everything. Not after hiding in the shadows for so long. But Brianna Starr refused to allow that. She was the last person he’d have predicted to be the one to do so. How wrong he was about her. How judgmental. He thought of all the things she was accused of or assumed to be, and how unfounded they were.
But she also wasn’t deaf.
Until now, Finn shunned the whole idea of embracing his deafness and the Deaf culture. Being Deaf wasn’t truly an impairment or great loss; it was an integral part of Finn’s identity and there was nothing to fix. That was a new concept to him and he felt pride for once. He found it surprisingly liberating to think of himself that way. And the best part of Deaf culture? The primary language was the one he spoke. Suddenly having a whole population of people like him to interact with, who totally “got” him and whom he could talk to so easily, freely and so often was powerful stuff. He never realized how alone and isolated he’d been before.
Brianna was also correct that it all might have been different if his family had lived. Since he never entered foster care, he couldn’t receive the special services for the community of Deaf. Having a distant relative as his guardian was also a setback since he didn’t given a shit about Finn or his particular needs. There was no searching into ways to meet his needs or immerse him in the Deaf culture. The only interpreters he worked with were at school. Other than that, Finn received nothing. He spent hours all alone daily. Too much for any child. But no one seemed to care about a deaf kid without a family. His guardian even hated and resented him. Finn tried his hardest to minimize his deafness.
Now? He found a woman who wanted him to embrace his deafness, and the more he did, the more it seemed to draw him away from her. The thing was: Brianna wanted the best for him. Even more than she wanted him for herself. That was pretty deep stuff for a guy who went through most of his life alone.
It felt odd to Finn to return to the ranch after he parked her car. He said hello to her mom and Joey and took his bag to his apartment. He’d been there most often alone, even when he began dating Brianna. But now, there was no hope or anticipation of seeing her. She’d pop in to say hi or he’d look up and see her in the barn, smiling and starting to talk before he was fully ready. But she was always so excited to talk to him, and had to restrain herself. Far too quickly, Finn accepted her presence in his life. Missing her now made him feel stupid and juvenile. He lived alone longer than he’d ever lived with anyone. And now? He felt like he couldn’t stand to go back to that solitude. Before Brianna.
Before Brianna could have been the title to a song, or a book, or a poem, or a movie, to illustrate and depict one person’s transformation because of another. The image of Finn before Brianna and after Brianna didn’t seem like the same person. And honestly, there was no comparison. Life seemed dull and hollow without the advent of her unexpectedly popping in. Smiling. She was always wearing a huge, toothy smile for him.
He shook it off and decided to check in with Jack. He had to get back to work. They planned to continue
the expansion with a new building that would house a hydrotherapy machine and stalls for even more rescued horses. Brianna managed to land not only Darren Santis’s company, but two more major farm suppliers and one veterinarian as sponsors for not only the foster kids’ camp but the horse rescue. The huge windfall would allow Jack to customize the new building into the special treatment facility and he was over the moon about their potential success.
Finn reported to work and liked being busy. It helped him shed his weird funk although he was, oddly enough, much lonelier now. More so than he ever remembered being in his life. He texted and Skyped Brianna but it wasn’t the same, although it staved off some of the loneliness.
The empty quietude of his life without any possibility of Brianna personally interacting in it had become painfully intolerable to Finn.
****
The next weekend brought Felicity, Doug and Gi and Finn was glad to see them. They were intrigued and enchanted by the gorgeous setting and Finn’s job. For the first time, Finn could quickly and easily sign and converse with all three of them at once. Jack watched them for a long moment and his lips indicated he was whistling. “Damn. I didn’t know you could sign so fast.”
Finn sighed. Sign so fast? After all, it was his first language. But he smiled, remembering that ASL wasn’t very important to him until the last few months. Now he felt oddly protective of it.
“It’s actually my first language.”
Jack nodded. “I see.” He turned to everyone and said, “I’m Jack, Finn’s boss.” He smiled. Finn signed the translation and they all smiled at Jack’s candor and warmth. Finn appreciated seeing Jack speak to them and not about them. They happily explored the beach and town when they weren’t hanging out at his apartment and Finn’s feelings of quiet isolation that previously dogged him vanished. Everyone crashed on his couch and floor and he marveled at how normal that was. It never happened before. Perhaps Brianna was right that he needed to explore being deaf with other deaf people. He needed to know the ease and casualness of relating to other people. He couldn’t be silent for his entire life, or have to confine his conversations to Brianna and her family, or Jack and the Rydells. They politely did the best to interact with him, but they couldn’t give him this: freedom to express himself. He was totally at ease. His clear communication was beautiful.
Brianna texted, but not very often and she seemed to understand he just wanted to be with his friends.
The second afternoon, he was alone with Felicity, who signed, “Brianna’s family owns this?”
“No. Her mom married one of the Rydell brothers. She considers it her vacation place.”
“So she doesn’t live here all the time?”
He shook his head. “No. I guess we don’t know exactly where she’s going to end up.”
“Are you sure you want to stay here? It’s awfully remote. It’s a nice enough area and the people are kind, but how many interact and communicate to you?”
“No one.”
“Is anyone else deaf or hard of hearing around here?”
“There must be. I just never wondered about it before. You know I didn’t. You’re my first deaf friend.”
She beamed and he stared at her. Felicity was quite pretty. Her hair fell to her elbows, and it was curly and thick. She had wide-spaced, hazel eyes, and a soft sweetness to her face. She had a good figure too, and Finn guessed it drew plenty of attention from men.
It would have caught his attention too, if he hadn’t first fallen in love with Brianna.
“I like being your first,” she smiled. More than necessary. As they signed, their facial expressions punctuated their words and meanings and context. Brianna used her tone of voice to do the same. Finn liked being able to do it without feeling self-conscious. In his younger years, people told him to tone his facial expressions down and not be so obvious. As he remembered those corrections, he recalled how quickly the stigma of knowing he was “different,” in any capacity, was like an arrow hitting his heart. It hurt then and it still did.
He had to admit that with Felicity he felt more normal than he’d ever felt with anyone else in his life. Even Brianna.
“Can I ask you something? For real.” Her gaze was contemplative.
“Of course.”
“Do you really see you and Brianna going the long term?”
“Too young for marriage or anything. But yeah. As far as I can see.”
“She’ll never fully understand you.”
“Maybe not. But she always tries. And I wouldn’t say never. The same could be said for me toward her. I can’t imagine what she might have to endure by being with me. I have a disability in her world and from her perspective. So there is nothing easy ahead for either of us.”
“I’ve heard of so many hearing/deaf relationships like yours that just can’t weather the long term obstacles. In fact, I’ve never heard of a single one making it. Too many basic differences and misunderstandings, unintended of course, but they just grow bigger until it falls apart.”
“Wow. Make your point, Felicity. Please don’t sugarcoat it. Say what you really think of me and Brianna.” He punctuated it with an eye roll and added. “Any relationship is hard. But if you love someone, then it’s worth it.”
“That’s why I only date deaf men.”
“I can see your preference. But I didn’t date anyone until Brianna, so I can’t compare my situation to yours.”
“She doesn’t know anything about Deaf culture.”
“You mean that little show she put on the last time you saw her? I know. That stemmed from jealousy and was not really about you being deaf. It was about me.”
She stared at him and her mouth dipped down. “Yeah, it was, Finn. What do you think of that?”
“I think she knew exactly what you were thinking. You don’t date anyone hearing and she was right.”
“She was.” Felicity smiled. “I don’t like her.”
“That’s because she’s dating me.” He challenged her. He liked the swift repartee that characterized the Deaf community. Most signers were far more upfront with their thoughts and feelings. Being subtle, or beating around the bush were not part of the vocabulary.
“True. But she’s loud. She always butts in. She—”
“I dropped out of school before I finished and started doing ranch work because I could. It required very little interaction with people. And that’s how I lived for years, decades. It’s also how I ended up here.”
“And what? She noticed you?”
“She pulled me out of the darkness. The quiet and isolation I insisted upon really had nothing to do with being deaf, but I purposely cut myself off. I deliberately limited my involvement in the hearing world. She showed me love, not only from her but also her family, and yeah, she’s like a wrecking ball in how she changed my life. How many people would care about me like that?”
“Me for one. I’d sign so you could follow along.”
“She loved me when no one else would. She brought me home to her dad, which is the only reason I met you. And I appreciate meeting you, but loving her hasn’t changed for me. Talking to you doesn’t mean I want to replace her with you.”
“How do you know you don’t? Maybe you just needed her to get out of the rut you were in. To challenge your fear of the hearing world. Now, we can keep exploring and learning about the beautiful Deaf one. Imagine if you fully immersed yourself? I’ll give her credit for being the catalyst, but you have nothing to do now but grow and live and be loved. You can find your own deep, abiding friendships, as in the plural, not just one.”
“I want to stay friends with you and Doug and Gi and I plan to go to Deaf Jam and do all that. But fully immerse myself in the Deaf culture? Probably not. Because I have Brianna.”
She rolled her eyes. “She’s not good enough for you. She mocked me for being deaf. She’s offensive and crude…”
“She shouldn’t have done that. But in many ways, she knew how you felt towards me.”
“Did you?”
“Yes.”
“Yet, here I am. Despite all the warnings about Brianna the Saint.”
“Yes. She knew you were coming here. And she knew why.”
“Meaning?”
“Her biggest fear is something could happen, making her lose me to you because you and I share a deeper connection than she and I do. She thinks it’s because we are both deaf and can speak in sign language.”
“And?”
“She can learn sign language.”
“You’re so loyal. You think you owe her for giving you the time of day. Dragging you out of the barn, as you say. Now that you are out? I don’t think you realize how much the world can offer you. So much more than she can ever give or show you.”
“And you can?”
“Maybe.” She smiled, completely unabashed with herself.
“Felicity… I’m not a project you need to get done. Brianna knows that. I’m not sure you do. Brianna loves me… It’s real and full of feelings and emotions and everything; plus, being deaf.”
“Just think about it. And don’t let it make things weird between us.”
“I’m not. I can’t guarantee, however, that Brianna will feel the same.”
“Brianna.” Felicity angrily jerked her hands. “Once the thrill of sex wears off, I’ll still be here.”
“It won’t. But thanks for asking.” With a smile, Finn’s eyebrows rose up.
She pursed her lips and he did it back until she burst into a grin. “You’ll still be my friend?”
“If you quit being so mean to Brianna. Didn’t she get you a whole bunch of new blog followers?”
“Yeah. I’ll give that to her. She’s like a magic pill, isn’t she? What is it about her anyway? Man, woman, child, old or young, colored or white, deaf or hearing… why is everyone so magnetically drawn to her? What is it?”
He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. Charisma.”
“Yeah, I’ve gotten crazy amounts of interest and comments, along with trolls and exposure. My God. I’m almost popular now. It honestly makes me feel a little weird. I’ve never been listened to before. It’s kind of a lot to handle all at once.”
