by Minna Howard
He could not look at her, his eyes skittering away to study the far wall, the window, anywhere but her face. ‘What’s happened?’ she repeated more sharply, moving away from him, a terrible sinking feeling clutching at her stomach and her heart.
‘I’m so sorry, Sass. I had to come and tell you myself. I’ll always look after our child.’ He glanced at her stomach, more rounded than he’d seen it before. He bit his lip and looked away, obviously shocked by how close the birth seemed to be.
She sank down onto the nearest chair, her legs collapsing. ‘You no longer love me. You’re leaving me, leaving us.’ She felt as if she’d been hit by a ten-ton truck, spaced out as if this was some terrible nightmare. The tears engulfed her. She covered her face and wept, huge wrenching sobs.
He knelt down beside her, his hand on her knee. ‘I will provide for our child. I’m about to start a new job with more money, I won’t let you both down, but…’ He clammed up.
‘You’ve met someone else.’ She dropped her hands from her face, which was wet and blotched, her makeup smudged and her eyes swollen and red. He bowed his head. ‘What’s she like?’
‘You and I have hardly seen each other this past year,’ he said quietly. ‘She works in my office. We worked on a project together and were alone a lot.’ He looked miserable.
‘You live together?’ It came out like a howl of misery.
‘We will do when I get back. I wanted to tell you first. She knows about the baby and agrees I must support it, get to know it, have it to stay when he or she is old enough.’ His voice was more upbeat now, as if she should be pleased with this arrangement. He went on to explain about the new, permanent job he’d been offered, the extra money and the promotions to come.
Saskia felt her anger mounting. ‘This woman will not be part of my child’s life,’ she screamed. ‘I am its mother and like my own mother I’ll bring him or her up on my own.’
He got up and paced the floor. ‘You can’t stop me seeing the baby, Saskia. Unlike your case when your mother didn’t know where your father was, or even perhaps who he was, I know it’s mine and I have rights. I want to have a big part in my child’s upbringing. There is no reason why we can’t act amicably together.’
His remark reignited her concern of finding her real father. She’d begun to feel close to Nathan through their telephone conversations, and she was fond of Verity, who’d be her stepmother, and then that letter from another man had shattered her security. With her mother gone and now Darren leaving them, she felt adrift, swirling away on a sea of despair.
‘You promised you’d come back for the birth and we would live together and bring the baby up together, be a proper family,’ she said, hearing her own voice but feeling disembodied from it.
‘I did but…’ He raked back his hair, his eyes frantic. ‘I meant it at the time, but then we haven’t seen each other for so long… and then I met Barbara.’
She clamped her hands over her ears. ‘I don’t want to know her name. I don’t want her near my child. I never thought you’d let us down… stop loving me.’ She covered her face again, sobbing, her whole body shaking.
He held her then, afraid of her pain, not knowing what to do, wishing that Verity would return and take over so that he could escape.
*
Verity and Jen came back a few hours later and found Saskia alone.
She was lying on the sofa, her face swollen with tears. She’d told Darren to leave. If he did not love her, she wanted him gone.
‘But I want to know when our child is born, want to know that you are both safe. You have my email and mobile number, we can always keep in touch,’ he’d said and though she accepted that he would do the right thing by supporting them, he now loved another woman and wanted to spend his life with her.
‘Do you want children with her?’ she’d shouted, the words feeling like poison. ‘Are you going to marry her?’
She remembered how he’d said before that marriage was ‘just a piece of paper and an expensive white dress and a party. True love doesn’t need all that.’
‘We haven’t really discussed it,’ he said, not meeting her gaze and she bet they had, but she couldn’t bear to question him further.
She had lost him, and in the time she was alone, she told herself that he was a decent man who had come all this way just to tell her it was over, that he would look after their child, but he did not love her enough to stay with her. The thought was like a knife in her heart, but she would not let this other woman share a part of their child’s life.
She started crying again when Verity, followed by Jen, came into the room. Verity came over to her and hugged her.
‘My dear,’ she said, ‘I’m so sorry. These things are so difficult.’
Jen said, ‘Such a shock, I’m so sorry, but you know what some men are like, they like the fun side of life, and settling down with the responsibility of rearing a child is too restricting for them.’
‘Not strictly true in this case, Jen. Darren did fly over for a day to tell her,’ Verity reminded her.
Saskia scrubbed at her face with her wet handkerchief, Darren’s handkerchief. She caught the look Jen flashed to Verity and interpreted it as warning her not to promise too much in case Nathan was not her father after all.
She felt so lost and wounded. Suddenly, the baby moved in her as if to remind her of its existence. She put her hand on her stomach. She was not alone, she had a child to worry about. She’d be like her mother, who had brought her up by herself. She had managed it; they’d been so happy together. If only her mum were here now, helping her through.
SEVENTEEN
When Verity told Jen about Darren’s arrival, she had insisted on coming back to the house with her after their class, in case she needed moral support.
‘It’s not me who wants support but poor Saskia,’ Verity said, as they took the bus back together, having had a healthy veggie lunch at the gym. ‘At first, I thought Darren had come over to see how she was, to make plans for their life together. Saskia wasn’t there, being with Ivor, so I texted her to tell her. I didn’t let on to Darren that she was staying with Ivor, in case he imagined she was two-timing him.’
‘Maybe he’d have been relieved if she had found someone else,’ Jen said.
‘No, Saskia told me Ivor is just a friend – though between you and me, I’d say he’s a little in love with her. Anyway, I was shocked when Darren told me he’d got someone else. I felt so bad leaving her to face that news alone,’ Verity went on. ‘I couldn’t even warn her why he had come.’
‘I think it was the right thing to do, to let them sort it out together.’ Jen sighed. ‘I suppose it was better him breaking it off like that, instead of just disappearing and leaving her to it. Love, what a dangerous thing it is, setting traps for us to fall into. Strange though, how she’s turned out to be like her mother, left to have a baby on her own. Not that Nathan did that to Saskia’s mother, as he was never told she was on the way,’ Jen added quickly, not wanting to accuse her friend’s husband of running out on the situation.
‘If you make love, have sex, pregnancy is not unheard of, especially on a beautiful island in the sun,’ Verity said darkly, thinking of a younger Nathan drifting round, fancy-free, by that deep blue sea in the sun, all those years ago. ‘Oh, it’s such a muddle, and I wish he were here to sort it out.’
‘You said Nathan’s coming back next weekend?’ Jen said. ‘Has that changed?’
‘I do hope not, I’ll fly out and join him if it has. It’s all getting too complicated here. At least Delia’s gone home, though I suppose she’ll come back to see her darling boy.’ She sighed, feeling Delia would not leave the subject of Saskia alone when she saw her son on his return.
‘Nathan is sort of used to the idea now,’ Verity went on. ‘I’d say he’s quite pleased in a funny sort of way. He always wanted a daughter although he wouldn’t change his boys for the world, but I think he might even be disappointed if it turned out she wasn’
t his, a sort of bonus.’
‘So, what now the boyfriend’s gone?’ Jen asked. ‘Will you let her stay on with you, and when the baby comes, will you take on that too? Or will she go back to that other man in Chelsea?’ They got off the bus and wandered back over the green, to Verity’s house. Verity worried about how they’d find Saskia and if Darren would still be there.
‘I think she was only staying with Ivor while Delia was here. You know how tiresome my ma-in-law can be. I don’t think she can have the baby at Ivor’s flat. Apparently, it’s a large house near Chelsea Embankment, full of other people lodging there, and the last thing I should think they’d want is a screaming baby.’ Verity sighed, wondering how things would pan out. Why would Ivor want to take the whole thing on? Especially knowing that Saskia’s mother was no longer here to help out with the coming baby, a baby whose own father had left and now lived in the US? And Nathan? It was one thing accepting a surprise adult daughter, quite another accepting her baby too.
When they’d arrived back, they found Saskia, pale and red-eyed and insisting on going into work, which Jen thought was a good idea, ‘to get her mind off this upset’, though they all knew that would be impossible.
‘The first thing we must do is find out who your father is, so you hopefully get some support there,’ Jen advised.
‘I know, I will concentrate on that. Nathan is back at the weekend, isn’t he? I don’t know what he’ll think of it all.’ She looked sad and Verity, guessing she felt this situation put her mother in a bad light, said gently, ‘Don’t worry, I know Nathan will give you good advice, whether he’s your father or not.’
Saskia attempted a smile. ‘Now things have changed I must sort out my… and the baby’s future. First, I’m going to contact this other man. I know Nathan is coming home next weekend, but I might as well contact this…’ There was a moment’s hesitation while she searched in her bag for his letter, found it and read out, ‘Scott Carson.’
‘Haven’t you had enough upsets today, Saskia? You could do it in a few days.’ Verity felt that she herself had had enough drama for the day.
‘No, it’s a good idea, do it now, then you’ll know exactly where you belong,’ Jen urged her on.
‘I’ve got to get on with my life, haven’t I? I can’t expect Ivor to house me for long. I must make plans; the baby will be here soon, and I must be settled by then.’ Saskia’s voice was tired but resolute.
Verity heard herself saying, ‘You can stay here to have the baby.’
‘But not if Nathan isn’t my father,’ Saskia said firmly. ‘You’ve been so kind letting me in but I really thought he was my father so it was all right, but if he isn’t, why should you? I’ll be no relation to you at all then.’
Verity was silent. This was true, but she’d become fond of Saskia and could not bear to think of her struggling somewhere cheap and gloomy on her own. She’d no idea where people, especially pregnant women, went who had nowhere and no one to help them. She knew there were refuges and she could find out about them but even if Saskia was not Nathan’s daughter, she’d rather she stayed here until the child was born and she had found somewhere more permanent to stay.
Or maybe this other man would turn out to be her father and help her. Perhaps he could come round here to see her so she’d be safe if it turned out to be some sort of hoax, though Verity wondered if she wasn’t getting a bit too dramatic over it all. She put her thought to Saskia.
‘If you feel up to it why don’t you ring him while you are here? Use our landline instead of your mobile, in case… well, it’s safer until you know him,’ Verity said.
Saskia paused a moment as if gathering strength. ‘Yes, I’d better. Get it out of the way.’ She got up, holding his letter in her hand, and went over to the telephone. Verity wondered if she should make herself scarce, but Jen was obviously not going to move, and Saskia asked her to stay while she nervously rang the number. A woman answered it almost at once.
‘Um… can I speak to Scott, please,’ Saskia said. The woman obviously asked who wanted him and Saskia hesitated. ‘He doesn’t know me. It’s about my mother,’ she said.
‘Well, he’s not here, who shall I say is calling?’ The woman spoke more loudly, and Verity could hear her belligerent tone.
Saskia hesitated and almost put the phone down, before she rallied. ‘He contacted my mother, Helen,’ she said. ‘She died but I am her daughter and he might want to speak to me about her. I’ll give you my mobile number.’
‘Don’t bother,’ the woman said, ringing off.
‘Doesn’t sound promising,’ Saskia said with a sigh. ‘She wouldn’t want me in the family.’
‘Jealous wife, I should think,’ Jen said.
‘She doesn’t sound like the sort of family you’d want to be part of, but maybe this woman is his wife or girlfriend and doesn’t want him to talk to you,’ Verity said to comfort her.
‘Maybe. Well, I must clean up my face, get to work.’ Saskia urged herself to get going, picking up her bag and making for the bathroom.
When she was alone, Verity rang Nathan and was relieved to find he had time to talk. She told him about Darren breaking up with Saskia.
‘So, she’s on her own, and has nowhere else to live?’ Nathan sounded shocked, having, Verity thought, imagined as she had this daughter and grandchild living apart from them, supported by Darren, and visiting sometimes. Now it looked like it might all fall on them.
‘She is with this friend, Ivor, but that’s only temporary. The house he lives in is also home to other tenants, so I’m sure a baby won’t be welcome there. Nor, probably, would Ivor want to house a child that is not his. She’s just tried to ring this other man, but the woman who answered hung up on her. Maybe he is her father so he will look after them,’ Verity said. ‘Anyway, as soon as you’re home you must both have this paternity test, and Saskia must try again to contact this other man, so we all know where we stand.’
EIGHTEEN
Although she was shattered by the breakup with Darren, the father of her child, Saskia was determined to go to work at the restaurant that evening. She had grown fond of Verity who she felt was very supportive of her situation, but she could not go on lying there in her living room feeling so wretched. She needed to get out among the bustle of life, not wallow in her misfortune.
‘Come back here when you finish work. Your room and some of your things are still here,’ Verity said, her face creased with anxiety.
Saskia tried to smile and refused. Verity meant well and she was grateful, but she couldn’t be surrounded by that sort of silent sympathy that kind people were apt to put on, trapping the unfortunate person in a bubble of misery.
‘Thanks, Verity, but if you don’t mind, I’d rather be alone to come to terms with this and I’ve got lots of work to do so I’ll be kept busy.’
‘If you’re sure.’ Verity sounded dubious, which gave her the impetus to get up and go and fix her makeup and leave for work.
Ivor had taken the night train to Scotland for his cousin’s wedding and would not be back until the following Sunday evening, taking a few days off to see his family. She would not tell him what had happened until she saw him again, Saskia decided. Being the sort of person he was, he’d be kind and supportive, though underneath he might feel trapped by the situation. She couldn’t bear that; it would sour their relationship and she needed every friend she had just now.
The restaurant was full, it being Saturday night. A crowd of the regulars came in and greeted her cheerfully. There was a hen party going on, the bride-to-be wearing a red veil, her friends full of noise and bawdy jokes. Despite the pain of Darren’s betrayal, she felt herself being swept up in the energy of it. Then one of the party burst into tears, remarking that her hen party had been the best part of her short-lived marriage, and Saskia was relieved when the party swept out to their next port of call.
The loneliness only grabbed her when she got back after midnight to Ivor’s empty flat where she crept int
o bed and cried herself to sleep.
She was woken a couple of hours later by the acrid smell of burning. She leapt out of bed and ran through the flat afraid she’d left something on even though she was sure she had not, she had eaten supper at work. The smoke was coming in under a gap of the badly fitting front door. She opened it gingerly and went out on to the landing and saw smoke billowing from the edges of the door to the flat on the floor beneath her. She dashed back inside and snatched up her mobile, dialling 999 while she ran down the short flight to the burning flat and hammered on the door. She called out, ‘Fire, open the door’. She tried to open it herself, but – not surprisingly – it was locked from the inside.
A door on the floor below opened and a man called out, ‘What’s happening?’ He was elderly, doing up his dressing gown over striped pyjamas. He held tight to the banister as he hauled himself upstairs where the smoke was rising. ‘Are both flats on fire?’ He glanced up at Ivor’s.
‘No, just this one.’ She glanced over to another door on the opposite side of the staircase. ‘I’ve rung the fire brigade.’ The two of them beat on the door, the man calling out, ‘Coral, Coral, try and come out.’ But there was no sound from within.
The door on the other side of the staircase opened and a voice Saskia recognised as Mrs Tracy Morton’s bellowed at them. ‘What’s all this noise? It will wake the dead.’
‘There’s a fire in Coral’s flat and we can’t get her to answer.’ The man solemnly introduced himself to Saskia as Trevor Bowen, as if they were at a party. He was grey-haired and did not look very strong, certainly not strong enough to knock the door down. Saskia hit it hard herself, but the wood was thick and did not budge. The smoke curled upwards from underneath it, making them cough and Trevor, now noticing she was pregnant said, ‘My dear, in your condition you should not be breathing in the fumes. Perhaps you should go outside to the street in the fresh air. Shut the door to Ivor’s flat first, or the fire may spread upstairs.’ He banged on the door again calling to Coral.
