"As always, Ms. Young." He gave a quick laugh.
"I know. I'm sorry to press you. You'll probably never have these questions from anyone else but I have to ask, and . . . um, did your girlfriend have an abortion or give it up for adoption?”
“Wow.” He shook his head. “I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant. Do you really want to know about my sex habits?”
“Sort of. Not in detail, just . . .”
“Just enough to quiet your fears?" His smile was unnerving.
"Yes. I mean, if you can. I have plenty of them."
"I’ve had unprotected sex twice in high school; when I lost my virginity and then right after. That was it. Since then, I’ve always used protection no matter what the circumstance.”
“Okay. I know that was personal and I’m sorry to pry. It’s only . . . there’s something to be said for someone who’s responsible about that part of his life. Thanks for indulging me.”
“Is that a backhanded compliment?” His smirk was curious and inviting.
“It tells me you respect your future and you think children are special—special enough that you seem to believe creating a life is a miracle not to be taken lightly.”
"Oh, Nicky." His face warmed. "How beautiful are you?"
"I don't know." I put my head down.
“My future is special,” he said. “I love children and I want to have them with the woman I love. Guess I’ll have to make sure Matt and Darrell know the truth since that’s your pipeline. Now, where were we?”
“I really want you to go to Yountville with me.” I tried to breathe but felt like I had a big grapefruit lodged in my throat.
"You need to go out with me first,” he smiled. “I wasn’t kidding.”
“I will. No sex, though.” I tried to sound as if I was teasing, but in truth, I was very serious. “You have to be a good boy.”
“Your signals are loud and clear. Did you want something else? I know I could go for a little something more.” He finished his last sip of water and flashed his wicked grin.
Well so much for the good boy.
“I’ll be good. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop me from trying to make you bad . . .” he kissed me again, as if to seal the new promise on our lips.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Ermina said as she gave Ryan the bill. “Behave now.”
“I am.” He winked at her.
“Ooh, honey, sounds like you’ve got his heart,” she said. “I can hear it in his voice. I think I’ll see you two again."
Please, nobody talk about it anymore. I’m too overwhelmed.
“Yes, you will.” Ryan got up, put a generous tip on the table, and he gave her a kiss. “Thanks my dear. Good as always. Can I tell Sammy hello?”
“Sure, go ahead in the back.”
“I’ll wait here,” I told him.
“No, come with me to meet Sammy. It’s okay if Nicky comes with me, isn’t it, Ermina?”
“Sure it is, baby.” Then she turned to me. “You’re part of the family now.”
Ryan took my hand as we walked through the kitchen doors. Sammy gave him a "big man" hug and Ryan introduced me.
“I’d hug you sweetheart, but I’m all greasy,” Sammy said. “With your boyfriend here, it doesn’t matter much. He’s ugly, and ugly is ugly.” He had a booming laugh, which thundered off and on through their conversation about sports and business. Finally they shook hands and said goodbye to each other.
This feels good—a little family is right here.
Ryan opened the passenger door to his Mustang and I got in.
“You look good sitting there.” His voice was smoky and masculine.
“Thanks for talking with me." My stomach quivered. I don't want to talk about looks—his or mine.
He gave me his classic "I'm-a-gentleman-but-could-be-a-very bad-boy-for-you" smile and shut the car door. I looked him over as much as I could while he walked to his side and got in the car.
“I’m sorry if I interrupted your evening. I seem to have a habit of doing that.” I had to look away to calm my speeding heart.
“You didn’t interrupt anything,” he said with his husky voice. "If you did, it wouldn't be an issue."
It wouldn't?
We arrived at my house. He turned off the car and shifted in the bucket seat to face me. One arm rested across the seat back, the other was on the steering wheel. His leg was out to the side.
Stay focused, Nick. Keep your gaze steady. Show him you can match his intensity.
“If you give me the chance, I’ll show you what a generous man, lover, partner, and friend I can be to you.” His eyes locked in mine. “I promise I’m a good man.”
“You know I don’t feel like going to Jerry’s anymore. You're not fair at all. Poor Jerry, I’m not being fair to him either.”
“Can I kiss you again?” He put his arm around my shoulder.
“I don’t know,” I stalled. “You, um, you better not.”
“Okay." He exhaled with a long, deep breath.
Was his spirit trying to possess me? It seemed so. He walked me to my front door, his hand on my lower back. Holding it there, just above the curve of my behind was like he held millions of nerves in his hand and I could be manipulated like a puppet.
My knees were weak.
I found it difficult to stand.
I can’t get over it. I’m on my porch with a man who says he loves me. What do I do with all this?
I turned to say goodnight and the look on his face changed. I knew a delicious kiss was seconds away.
“Can I kiss you again?” He lifted my hands, intertwined our fingers and raised them to our hearts, pulling and teasing me to come closer.
In a flash, he let go.
His arms confidently moved to my waist.
It felt as if he was a powerful male lion stalking me. His roar announced his maleness. He slowly circled his prey with keen hunting skills that couldn’t be matched and bared his teeth.
Internal switches flipped on throughout my body.
His chest pressed against mine.
I looked into his eyes.
“Can I kiss you?” he whispered, and then he kissed my cheek.
“Nicky,” he called softly, kissing my other cheek.
“Can I?” He kissed my forehead.
“Kiss me,” he whispered, his lips lingering at my ear and on my skin wherever they touched. Slowly his mouth moved across my cheek, his lips touching mine, opening them gently.
In a not-so-imaginary world, I wanted him to ravage me.
I needed to see the beast I'd imagined him to be last year, taking me into his den, mating, roaring, biting, licking . . . all the glorious biological rhythms in our bodies rising up inside our jungle.
Finally, I couldn’t stand any more.
I raised my arms to his neck, gently shattering the calm of his persuasion. With my own language I told him, “I’m receptive.”
As my mouth felt his touch, his big hand softly held the curve of my head. We caressed each other as if we were precious.
“Kiss me again,” he commented.
My lips felt his warmth nuzzling against them, bringing heat to my belly and making my body ache in new ways. I was ready to burst and spill over.
“Nicky, I . . .” he whispered as we rolled with surges of desire.
“Ryan,” I was out of breath. “Keep kissing me. Please, just . . . since last year.”
With my permission, he took all of my body into his big arms. One hand flattened against my lower back, squeezing me and pulling me to his belly, while the other held the nape of my neck, grabbing handfuls of my long brunette hair. I felt as if his fingers were committing me into his world. Our newness was pressed together like the lavender roses he’d sent me, now tucked lovingly in my journal.
Certain our lips had already melted and become one, an ache blossomed in the spot I dared never speak of to anyone.
I felt as if I was riding ocean waves.
The need to open, to move in
sensual rhythms, overtook me.
“Call Jerry and tell him you can’t make it tonight.” He kissed me again, his tongue tasting and exploring inside my mouth.
We were frozen together on my front porch.
Time slowed down.
My heart and mind stopped questioning.
I knew I didn’t want to leave him.
I could’ve gone on all night, standing there even as my father left for work and my sister for school. I imagined them passing us; their mouths open in shock, too stunned to say a word, our lips swollen and bruised from the hours we'd tasted each other.
“Nicky, tell him you’re with me.” He peered into my eyes. “Trust me. I won’t hurt you and I won’t let you down.” We continued to embrace. “Stay with me.”
His urges were sweet whispers that made me feel like diving into a cool pool of water to soothe my sweat-soaked body.
I pulled out my cell phone and stared at it.
The decision to cancel my evening with Jerry flipped back and forth in my mind. I began to dial his number, but then quickly stopped the call.
It wasn’t right and I couldn’t do it.
Questions bounced off my self-constructed wall of values—a barricade I’d made from the fears I’d pushed into my darkness.
“It’s not right, you know,” I said. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“You could’ve gone with Jerry any time you wanted, but you didn’t.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “Please, tell him you can’t make it. Let’s begin writing our story tonight.”
“I don’t want sex.” My body screamed quite the opposite.
As if he’d heard my thoughts, he moaned, "Mm-hmm." The sound of his low, masculine voice was so deliciously male I felt the pull of being called to be his lover. “Come with me, Nicky. We can be innocent together. I’ll pop some popcorn and we can watch a movie. Or we can just sit together and talk. Let’s find out what Nicky Young and Ryan Tilton are all about.” His voice was melted sugar. “I don’t mean sex. If we want to, we can just hug. I promise to be a good Boy Scout, just for you.”
Again I looked at my cell phone.
“What would you think of me if I did this to you? How can you respect me if I break my word to someone else?”
“You don’t have to worry about my respect for you." His voice was breathy and low. "You’ve had that from the moment I kissed your hand last year.”
He embraced me in one of his wonderful bear hugs and brought me to his big frame. It was as if our bodies crossed a bridge to some other place. I could feel his chest rise and fall with the rhythm of ocean waves.
“I can’t, Ryan. If things were reversed and I was coming to see you, I would honor my commitment. You need to know that you can depend on the things I say. As much as I’d love to, I need to ask you for a rain check, okay?”
“Okay.” Pouting, he nestled his chin into my right shoulder and put his hand on my cheek, turning my lips to his. I felt his tender desire, touching base and checking in, the movement in his hips reminding me of what he wanted.
I didn’t want his arms to stop their embrace. They held me to his strong body as if I was sheltered in a winter storm. I visualized snowflakes spinning on frigid winds outside of his hold. As I tried not to lose myself, I realized how desperately I wanted to get lost with him.
“Nicky.” He whispered in my ear and as I turned my head, he began kissing me again.
Like I’d thrown a penny down a wishing well, I wondered if my wishes for hope and happiness were coming true.
“Tomorrow then.” His luscious tongue licked slowly across my top and then my bottom lip. It slipped between them, opening them, swirling on the moist tissue behind them. Coming from deep in his throat were sounds I’d never heard before.
“Hmm,” I was breathless. “Tomorrow. It’ll be late since you have a game and you might be too tired. So if you are, just let me know. I'll understand.” My heart beat hard.
“I’ll be wide awake.” Ryan took a deep breath. “Be sure and pack your pajamas so we can have a pajama party. I’ll pick you up just as soon as I can get away.”
I was a mess of swirling emotions. Everything about him made it hard to let go. I had to force myself to speak. “Ryan?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
I noticed he’d started using terms of endearment instead of my name throughout the afternoon and early evening. His eyes were relaxed and soft, and his movements, focused. His sigh was a luscious, faint note, leftover from a misty dream; two strangers reaching for each other, fingertips stretching to touch—on the brink of softness, tenderness and love.
“It’s hard to let go of you tonight. I don’t want to.” I was despondent. “But I have to.” Tears welled in my eyes.
Why am I so emotional with him?
“We’ve waited this long. We can hold out one more day, but only one more. I’m already with you in here.” He took my hand and put it on his chest. “Tomorrow night when we’re together we won’t have to let go. I want your knees weak and your mind and heart strong. Couldn't you stand here all night?”
“You know I could." I started to take off his jacket. "Thanks for lending this to me today. It’s cold tonight and I want your arms covered and your chest kept warm.”
He gave me one last bear hug. I stood on my tiptoes to taste the fullness of his kiss. When he backed away, he left me wanting more.
“I’ll get my jacket tomorrow. I don't know if I can sleep until I see you. Everything is alive on me. Good night, Ms. Young. Say good night to your family for me.” He smiled as if he knew a big secret, then turned and walked down the cement walkway.
Could I watch him drive away from me?
Dare I watch someone leaving, who might never return?
Was this a promise to be broken like the ones from my father?
The possibility that this friend could stand with me and not let my family's dark secrets turn him away . . . was it real?
Who was he?
Who was I?
I had to believe this was only a beginning, and just because the night was over, it was only time between us; a few seconds ticking toward coming together again.
I stood and dared to watch the red lights of his car fade, already excited for our upcoming date.
Exhausted from our talk, our kisses, and my new feelings, I just wanted to go to bed with Ryan’s smells all over me. Only hours before, I'd wanted to explore Jerry in so many ways. Now, Ryan Tilton was all that was on my mind.
I walked through my front door and upstairs.
It felt as if I moved in someone else’s body.
A part of me was missing and I suspected that Ryan had it.
Slowly, I took off his jacket and sweatpants.
I held them to my face.
I sniffed them in as if I were an animal sniffing the scent of her mate—perhaps I was his lioness!
Mmm, he smells so good.
I took off my shirt and bra and rubbed my breasts inside his jacket. I pretended he was still wearing it and imagined his big arms circling me, once again. Hesitantly, I hung it in my closet and put my bra back on, with a pair of jeans and a loose T-shirt.
I put on my sneakers and called Jerry.
Chapter 30
Two Nights, Two Boys: Night 1
“Hey, Jerry, I’m leaving now.”
“Are you still hungry? My mom saved you some dinner.”
“Yeah, starving.” My stomach growled.
“I’ll tell her to warm it up.”
“You’ll tell her?” I chided.
“Well, not exactly,” he corrected.
“See you soon.” My heart fluttered. I slid down the bannister and saw my father sitting in the living room in his recliner. He faced away from me.
“Bye, Dad, see you tomorrow.”
When he turned, he blinked a couple of times as if coming out of a dream. His red, sunken face, droopy mouth, and vacant eyes made it clear that he was gone from us.
I walked down the hall
and into the kitchen. “Mom, can you drop me at Jerry’s?”
“Go ahead and take the car." Her voice was toneless.
“Are you sure? I’m spending the night at the Stowes' house and I'll probably do something with Jerry tomorrow.”
“It’s fine." She turned a page in her book. "I’m not going anywhere.”
“Call me if you change your mind.”
“The keys are on the hook by the garage door. Say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Stowe for me and tell them how proud I am of Jerry.”
"I will. Good night, Mom."
I made the short, two-block drive to Jerry's house, parked in the driveway and locked the car.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Stowe.” Both of Jerry’s parents were home when I walked in.
“I hear you’ve been accepted to Stanford! Congratulations!” Mrs. Stowe said.
“Kudos, Nicky,” Jerry’s father said with a smile.
“Thanks.” This little family feels good, but I know differently from the things Jerry has told me. “Same goes for your son!”
“Yes, we’re thrilled for him,” his father said.
“Mom says to tell you both hello and she’s proud of Jerry.”
“Tell her we feel the same way about her daughter,” he said after a puff on his cigarette.
“I sure miss the days when you kids came running in with scraped knees, excited about some play or musical you wanted to put on for us parents,” Jerry’s mom said. “You had the sweetest voice even then.”
“Thank you.” I was sure my cheeks blushed, as I had the usual trouble accepting a compliment.
“I’d always laugh watching you kids get on your bikes and peddle to the store; your little legs turning as fast as they could, so anxious to spend your quarters.” She sighed. “And now you’re both off to college. Time sure goes fast.”
“I know it does. I loved those summer evenings of dodge ball, and hopping the fence to play on Saturday mornings. Colleen used to yell from her yard for me to come over.”
“I wish I could’ve been there to see you sing at the ballpark.” I saw the tears well in her eyes.
“Thank you. I was a nervous wreck, but I made it.”
"I’m sorry we didn’t wait for you to have dinner with us. Jerry and his brother are like two starving animals.”
Shadow Heart (Broken Bottle Series Book 1) Page 19
