by Leanne Davis
“Then what happened to make you think I was trying to set you up in some kind of black widow nastiness with sex?”
She let go of him and he sat down. “I met this girl during junior year.”
She had to touch his arm to get him to look her way. “What was the bitch’s name?”
“How do you know she’s a bitch?”
“I already have a stomach ache because I sense where your story is going. I can imagine. I’ve witnessed a few things myself, so… what was it?’
“Simone.”
“Stupid name.”
He glanced back down and didn’t see her. “She knew I liked her. I was much more obvious back then, I guess. Always staring at her. She figured it out. Got a kick out of fucking me and made fun of me for it later.”
The pain she felt was like he sliced her heart with a knife. She couldn’t stand the angry feelings that overwhelmed her and she fought to stifle her urge to kill the girl. Oh, God…
She had to touch his arm to get him to glance down at her. “What did they do?”
“I really don’t want to say anymore.”
“I really need for you to.”
He closed his eyes, then flipped them open as he dropped his head down. “Sounds. I can’t hear them, so obviously that includes during sex. She mocked me…” he stopped. She clearly understood then. She took his hand in hers and squeezed his fingertips hard. He glanced down at their link. Speechless, there was nothing more she could think to do than hold his hand and let him see the regret she felt towards him on her face.
“Ever since… It makes me… hard to get out of my head.”
He couldn’t even enjoy it. The cruelty of it was beyond her.
“She also recorded it.”
“She what?”
“I thought she liked me… whatever. I’m not sure why she’d go so far as to sleep with me, but she fucking recorded it, as if I were some kind of freak. Since I couldn’t hear it, I didn’t even know what they were all laughing at. It got posted online… well, you can imagine the mean kind of shit one teenager can do to another. After that, I decided I never wanted a phone. I left school. I didn’t need that shit.”
And he also believed he didn’t need anyone. Faced with that indelible experience, maybe he didn’t. Perhaps he was right and better off alone. She shuddered at the idea of it. No one could really be that cruel as to terrorize another person that much, or could they? It shocked and appalled Brianna and all she could think about was ripping the skin off the bitch who did that to him. Then she wanted to tear her hair out. Tears filled her eyes and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Alone. Silent. Sensing laughter and seeing people laugh without knowing why or how often he was the brunt of the joke was a cruel twist of fate. The harshness of it upset her. And completely stunned her. The humiliation he must have felt… God. The effect had frozen him in time ever since. Brianna was completely sure of it. She was well aware of the shitty, online bullying that went on as well as all of the trolls. Way too many. She got them a lot too. Once, someone posted she should kill herself. Another said she was so ugly, she should try to get raped before killing herself. Brianna never felt offended or abused. She couldn’t have cared less because she knew they were all just trolls and she ignored them.
What happened to Finn? Crap. Damn. The sheer iciness of it nearly took her breath away. God. No wonder he so readily shunned intimacy… His reaction made more sense to her now that he put it in the proper context. He was actually a pretty decent guy to survive it. Brianna imagined what she might have done if it had happened to her. Simone—that stupid, insensitive, horrible twat—must have been a pretty girl. And a psychopath. Did Finn think Brianna could be like that? Brianna was often assumed to be the mean girl of any school. And had often been accused of that. However, Brianna was never even once mean to anyone if she could help it.
Determinedly, she tugged on his arm. He resisted her at first but finally turned her way.
“You thought I might be like her?”
“It crossed my mind. But you were never too slick in your communication with me. Simone said all the right things. Remember, I can’t hear people’s tone of voice, so I can’t spot fakes as easily as you can. But you weren’t very good or smooth in your efforts to talk to me.”
“Finn?” Brianna took his face into her hands and leaned forward, touching his lips with hers in a long, heartfelt, sweet kiss. “I would never do something that like that to you. Only a fucking psychotic monster would betray someone like that. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe anyone with a beating heart could do something like that. Or be like that. Honestly, in all the mean things I’ve ever heard of going on in school, including online bullying, that’s got to be some of the worst if not THE worst. No wonder it wigged you out. And why you try to avoid other people. I’m sorry for coming after you like I did.”
The devastating effect of her efforts started to concern Brianna. She came onto him. She kissed him, and questioned him, and pushed him out of his comfort zone… Naturally, he thought she was setting him up for a trick or mean prank, and all because that bitch-fuck made a fool of him with her nasty games and sadistic personality. How could he evaluate someone’s intentions or know if they were genuine when he’d never observed or felt them? He’d only experienced the dregs of human society.
“It’s hard for me to believe I could be attractive to someone else… especially someone like you,” he added. Her heart raced at his honest and vulnerable remark.
She tilted her head. “You are though. Why won’t you believe me? You really think I’m that pretty? You act as if I’m untouchable… like I’m a model or something.”
“You’re gorgeous enough to be one.”
She held his face between her hands. “And because of this, I fear you still doubt my words.” She leaned forward and kissed him again, keeping her hands on his before squeezing his. “We’ll go slowly. And take as long as we need. I can’t tell you to trust me, because that’s stupid. I have to earn your trust. I hope I can.”
“Take as long as we need to what?” he asked as he started to push her back before jumping to his feet. “Look, Brianna, we’re not going to…”
Brianna rose too and got right in his face. “Not going to what? Date? I don’t deserve to date you? You think I’m good enough to fuck, but not to date?”
His mouth dropped open and he appeared to be in shock. “No. Of course not. I meant—”
“I know what you meant. I, Brianna Starr, couldn’t possibly want anything real and meaningful in my life.”
“You do but not with a deaf guy. Sorry, but I can’t seriously believe that you do.”
She nodded. “I’ll forgive you for that insecurity. Now that I know the true source of it. But understand this, I DO. And we are going to take the next step.”
“Which is what?”
“Having a relationship. Sex… eventually,” she added with a smile. “I have to say that you sound like Jacob and Dawson when you talk like that, and I don’t like it. I prefer that you talk like Charlie, who never says things like that about Cami.”
Finn opened his mouth to speak and then shut it. He shrugged. “I don’t… I mean, I haven’t really dated anyone. I don’t know how to do it. Let alone, with someone like you.”
“Someone like me? What am I exactly? Hearing? Shallow? Vapid? Annoying? What exactly is ‘someone like me’?” she retorted, using air quotes.
“None of those things. You are hearing, yes. But more, you are sweet. Big-hearted. Funny. And yes, sometimes you can be annoying…”
She hit him in the stomach, but very gently. “Now you really sound like Jacob.”
He caught her hand. “I don’t know if I can do this, Brianna.”
“I’m not saying you can. To be honest? My dates in the past were just for fun. I feel a lot more than fun when I’m with you. I’ve never dated someone who can’t hear me. But I’m not going to allow that to invalidate what I feel with you . I know I can do i
t, because I feel it.”
“Feel it.” He repeated the words as if he were testing them.
She stared up into his eyes. “Please tell me you feel the same way towards me.”
“I feel… I feel lots of things.”
“That’s all you’re going to give me, isn’t it?”
He shrugged and she leaned forward and kissed him again. It was so new and warm. Like tasting a chocolate ice cream for the first time and realizing she couldn’t get enough of it. She kissed his lips again and swore she could feel him straining to hold his neck back. Why would he try to restrict his own needs and reactions? His glaring lack of confidence made Brianna wonder if he wanted this with her?
Given his history, she suspected he felt both ways. She broke off the kiss and they stared at each other for a long moment. Nearly gasping for air, both of them could not deny how turned on and awakened their hormones and feelings for each other were.
But she could not stop thinking about all the bad things that were done to him. Trust was the only cure to make him truly comfortable with her. In any capacity. She sucked in her bottom lip. Could she do it? She hoped and prayed she could.
It felt there was no other choice to her.
Chapter Seven
BRIANNA WASN’T QUITE SURE how to start “dating” Finn. Not because he was deaf, but because of how traumatized and bullied and hurt he was by another girl. Brianna wondered how he could overcome that. She recalled all of her hard persistence before he allowed her to start hanging out for the casual fun of it. What she misunderstood in the beginning turned out to be a pretty big deal. Maybe the key to it was not to try so hard, but just react as normally as possible to him. Finn responded well to that.
He’d been consistently drawn to her from the first time she asked him to come join her at the beach. Granted, at that time, it might have been tied up more in her perky boobs than her witty chatter. She’d already forgiven him for not being as altruistic and sweet as she might have first thought he was. And he was more polite, unlike Dawson, Tyrell and Jacob, Finn was more like Charlie, who was never crude and rude. Brianna loved that about him. But still…
Slow. Easy.
Movie?
No. Duh. That would go far in making him hate her company.
Dinner? Yes. She insisted they go out to eat.
It was far less strained than the first time they ate out together. She was used to his long silences by now and didn’t need to pry his life story from him. Casually, they rambled here and there in much easier conversation. She had to push for her cues, however.
She took his hand as they walked into the restaurant and also when they left it. She was the one who had to initiate a kiss at the end of their date. Nothing more.
She continued to show up at the barn at the end of every work day. Swimming together was an easy activity and the best pastime for both of them. She insisted they go regularly. She was also the one who initiated any affection. She took his hand or leaned over and kissed his mouth as they floated in the water or said goodbye near his apartment. Finn didn’t invite her anywhere for anything. He didn’t try to kiss her either. He didn’t attempt to have any contact with her. For two weeks. She tried to hold in her sighs of annoyance and chanted to herself to understand that this was how he was. It was entirely based on how the world had received him and not his fault.
As for her chastity… Theirs was the most celibate dating she’d ever experienced.
It was also the most fun. Extraordinary. All the sexual innocence between them only managed to build up her eagerness and desire. Her excitement. Her interest in him. She looked forward to every moment they spent together. Not once did he ask her to come to his empty apartment where they could be alone… and do anything they wanted.
“Come to dinner with me. I want you to meet my family.”
“Oh, I don’t know if we need to cross that line.”
“I know and we do. They are important to me. You’ll have to accept that and make them important to you.”
“Just because Brianna said so?’
She frowned. “No. Because it’s the proper way to interact with the family of someone you’re dating.”
He didn’t answer or confirm or deny the dating part. She bit her tongue, remembering to let him have his space. She tried very hard not to push.
The behavior she displayed with Finn was totally the opposite of her previous behavior. She was no longer so hyper. Patience. Care. Taking things slow and easy. Wow. She was nearly overwhelmed by having to hold the line.
But she did it for Finn. She truly wanted him to trust her that much. Plus, it distracted her heart and kept it from breaking as the rapidly approaching deadline for Cami’s departure for a new life on a new continent still loomed ominously before her.
****
Of course Cami had to leave.
Everything changes and must change. Brianna knew that. They were at that age, and to some people, long overdue for abandoning their childhoods and their childhood friends to start real life.
That didn’t mean Brianna had to love it, and she hated it. She was losing the threesome she loved more than any other group of friends in her life. They were her backbone for the last decade: Jacob, Cami, and Charlie. Now, she hadn’t seen Charlie in over a year, and it would most likely be another year before she would see him. Or Cami… She felt like her heart could crack.
After a long, tear-filled goodbye to Cami, during which they both cried and promised each other to call and text and communicate, they also vowed that nothing would ever change although they both knew it would. She stared at the taillights from Cami’s parents’ car as it disappeared. They were taking her to Sea-Tac airport in Seattle. For all intents and purposes, Cami was gone.
Gone. For good.
Cami was it. The only one who knew Brianna. Beyond a boyfriend or a parent, Cami was that friend. The permanent, steady, never-flagging friend to whom Brianna could say things without worry or censorship. Cami was nonjudgmental. Cami was… gone.
She glanced up when an arm landed on her shoulders and squeezed her closer to his body. Startled, she looked up to find her brother. “I might give you a lot of shit but I know how much you love her,” Jacob said, staring at the now empty road before them. “The thing is… I do too.”
Jacob hadn’t been that nice or understanding to Brianna in a really long time. She rubbed her eyes. “Yeah. I know you do.” He nodded.
She didn’t say anything more, fearing she would lose the moment or ruin it if Jacob returned to his usual attitude. Eventually, they started walking towards the house.
Brianna flopped down in the living room. She was so sad. Nothing interested her.
There was knock on the front door and she got up to answer it, assuming it was someone from the Rydell clan. But no.
There stood Finn. His hands were jammed into his jeans pockets and his shoulders were hunched up. His discomfort and insecurity practically wafted off him.
Finn never tried to seek Brianna out before.
“I thought… I knew Cami was leaving…”
She nodded and suddenly threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. She pressed her torso into his hard chest and he caught her before wrapping his hands around her back. She shivered. His warm hands rubbed her gently and felt so nice.
She buried her face in the crook of his neck. She whispered, “You thought right.” Even though she knew he couldn’t hear her. It’s the only reason she had the nerve to say it out loud. If he could have heard her, she would not have had the guts to say it. It would not have bothered her, however, to say it to any other man. It wouldn’t have even fazed her or registered as being risky at all. But with Finn, every word she said, which he then read off her lips seemed more rife than ever with unintended risk and hurt.
He leaned back, staring down at her. “I don’t know what you said.”
She smiled. He must have felt her lips moving. “I said, I’m glad you came by. I can use the distraction. Come in
. Meet my mom.”
He cautiously stepped inside her home and glanced around, clasping his hands before him with an obvious case of nerves. She winced in compassion. Being unsure and shy to begin with, she could only imagine his dread at facing new people and new faces and new environments and circumstances. Doomed to disadvantage from the beginning with one fewer sense and having his communication necessarily altered must have been exhausting.
“My mom was making dinner. Stay and eat with us?”
“I just came to check on you. I don’t need…”
“You haven’t eaten since morning, right? I already know that about you. Stay. Please?”
He nodded. She smiled. She won this little battle, which she hoped to be the first of many.
“Come on.”
He had no choice but to follow her into the kitchen where her mom was lifting a roast from the oven. “Mom?”
“Yeah, hon?”
“I want you to meet someone.”
She turned and took the potholders off her hands. “Oh. Hello. I didn’t realize anyone else was in the house. I’m Hailey.”
Her head turned towards the oven when she spoke and there was no way Finn could have managed to catch much of it. “Mom? He’s deaf. This is Finn. He works in the rescue horse barn. You have to look right at him whenever you speak.”
Her mom’s entire face turned red and she immediately nodded as she looked straight at Finn. “Oh, right. I’m sorry, Finn… I’m Hailey…” Brianna almost groaned in a much louder tone. Is that how she sounded and acted like? All flustered? Speaking way too loud? And way too slow?
“Mom. Just talk like you normally do. Raising your voice is useless.” Finn had excellent peripheral vision, which Brianna witnessed in many of their interactions. He caught most of what she said. His lips quirked up at the corners a little bit.
“Oh. I’m sorry. I just…”
“Just say hello, Mom.”
“Hello,” Hailey finally said before she pressed her lips shut. She was still all red-faced.
Finn smiled. “Hello, Mrs. Rydell. It’s very nice to meet you.”
