by Jo Watson
His hips grind down on me and send a shot of longing through my body. His hands pass over my skin with such perfection that in no time I am arching up to meet him and matching his slow rhythm, rocking my hips against him. It is clear that he wants me as he kisses my neck and presses every inch of himself against me. I feel his phone vibrating in his front jeans pocket and as it comes into his awareness he slows down the kisses, but does not pull away entirely. His lips meet mine gently and he places small kisses across my face.
Our eyes are open now and as his phone beeps with a message and then begins to ring again, we both know it is time for him to go. Jackson pulls back, looks into my eyes and gives me a kiss on my forehead before moving to my side and retrieving his phone from his pocket. He types out a quick text, and then with a look of regret and hesitation he tells me it is time for him to go. I nod my head but find it impossible to speak.
We sit up and put our clothes and shoes back on in silence, neither of us addressing the feeling of sadness that has entered the room like a thick fog. Greg left days ago and while I miss his presence, I am now acutely aware that my heart does not. My heart wants Jackson. I’m falling for him and I can’t help but notice the way that sits uneasily in my stomach. If I know what it feels like to fall, I might soon know what it feels like to be broken.
I walk him to my door and he kisses me one last time. Some of his teammates are waiting for him in a car outside, and they honk the horn and yell. Jackson promises to call and text when he can, then I watch as he jogs out to the waiting car. I stand on my front step, my arms folded across my chest against the cold. I am not sure how long I stay like this, staring after the path his body took away from me, but I become aware of Abby standing in the doorway, watching me.
“Oh, Madeline.” Her voice is soft and full of concern, and I know that she has seen more than I would have told her. “You’re going to break his heart, you know.” I look up to meet her eyes and give a small shrug.
“I could choose him.” I try to sound sure of myself but we both know that my family would have a fit if I did. Abby wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. We stare out into the dark night at nothing.
I wish my mother were here so I could ask her if this is what it felt like with John. I need to know how she walked away from this, how she could have such light in her life and shut it out for her family.
“You could, Madeline, and that’s why it will be so devastating for the both of you when you don’t.” With one last squeeze she leaves me in the doorway alone.
Chapter Nine
I am startled awake by the alarm on my phone, but when I reach to turn it off I find it is no longer next to me on the bed. I fell asleep last night texting Jackson in his hotel room. My fingers make contact with the charger cord and I pull my phone up to the bed like an anchor from the bottom of the sea floor. When it finally appears over the edge of the bed, I snatch it up and squint against the brightness of the screen. It is seven a.m. I have two new messages from Jackson, and one from Greg.
Greg: I am trying to give you space, Madeline, but I think we need to talk.
I think for a minute before typing out my response.
Me: I will call you tonight.
I exit our conversation, and I open the messages from Jackson.
Jackson: I’ve been thinking about your list, Rookie. Does it include going to a football game? Last game of the season is next week.
Jackson: I don’t know if I should be disappointed that you didn’t text me right back, or grateful that I am now forced to picture you sleeping in my shirt. Don’t worry, Sleeping Beauty; the black lacy panties will be our little secret. ;) Sweet dreams.
I can’t help but smile when it is confirmed that our minds are in the same place. I type a response.
Me: Hmm…speaking of black lacy panties, check your bag.
Before we met up with Abby and Kyle to watch our movie yesterday, I stopped by Jackson’s place to leave a little surprise. His roommates let me right in when I told them I had forgotten something in Jackson’s room. I tucked my panties into the outside pouch of his bag and managed to escape before Jackson came home from class. There may not actually be a list on paper of the things I want to experience during these weeks away from my planned-out life, but I know that having fun secrets and being a little naughty are a must.
I start to gather my clothes to head to the shower when my phone beeps.
Jackson: No way.
Jackson: Very naughty, Rookie.
Me: Consider it a checkmark on my list.
Jackson: Damn—I want to see this list.
Me: Watch your language or I’ll tell your mother.
Jackson: You would have to meet her before you could.
Jackson: How does Wednesday night for dinner work?
Me: Jackson, I am not meeting your mother this week. I barely know you—I’m certainly not ready to meet your mother.
Jackson: I have a pair of lacy panties that says you know me well enough.
Me: You being familiar with my panties does not make good dinner conversation—where are your manners?
Jackson: See? My mother should be informed immediately.
Me: In that case, I gratefully accept your dinner invitation, sir.
Jackson: Good. I have to go, Rookie. Have I told you how fucking beautiful you are?
Me: Language, Mr. Quarterback.
Jackson: Just giving you something to talk about on Wednesday.
I take my shower and throw on some jeans and a T-shirt. I am meeting my brothers for lunch today at a little restaurant between campus and their office. When I am finished with my hair and makeup, I make my way across the apartment to say goodbye to Abby. I can hear voices when I approach her door and I pause for a moment just outside when I hear Kyle tell Abby he has been offered a job in Florida. The air rushes out of my lungs. I wait to see if he is going to leave or if she is going to break down, but there is just silence. It dawns on me that I am eavesdropping on a very private moment, so I turn away from the door as quickly as possible and leave the apartment, hoping she can pull through this without her heart being broken.
* * *
My brothers attract a lot of attention when they are all together: young, clean-cut and powerful-looking in their top-of-the-line business suits. I see women stumbling all over themselves to get a second look. I always have to remind myself that they are grown men, not the three punk older brothers who scared off all of my male friends and drew mustaches on my boy-band posters. They stand when I reach the table at the restaurant, and I give them each a hug.
I know something is up immediately when our usual warm embraces are cold with tension, and Ben looks around the table quickly to check that they are all ready to start whatever conversation they want to have with me.
“Spit it out,” I say suspiciously as I sit down. “What’s this about?” I take the menu from the waiter who has appeared beside me and glare at Ben as he adjusts his tie and waits for the waiter to leave. He looks quickly around the restaurant.
“What the hell are you playing at, Madeline?” He asks in a low voice, bringing his eyes to mine with a look of disapproval. I breathe in deeply and bite back my anger.
“What is it you think you know, Ben?” I reach for my water and bring the cold dewy glass to my lips. Ben’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and I notice that Brandon and Caleb are looking a little peaked.
“Don’t play games with us. We love you and are looking out for you. Greg is a great guy and we have big plans for him in the company.”
“And?” I ask.
“And,” Ben continues. “I heard you’ve been seen around campus with one of the football players. It’s below you, Madeline, hooking up with some underachieving jock when you’re supposed to be with Greg.”
“Ben, none of this is any of your business.” I keep my voice calm and professional, although inside I want to scream at him to stay out of my life.
“You are our busines
s, Madeline. Think of Mom. Would she really want you with some meathead? What does he have to offer you? You’re screwing with a good thing and you’re going to throw away your future and embarrass the family in the process. I don’t have time to put out your fires.” Ben shifts position in his chair. I look to Brandon and Caleb and while they do not have as much conviction about this as Ben, I can see that they agree with him.
“No one asked you to waste your time managing my life.” I answer. “I just want room to breathe. I don’t know what Mom would want! I didn’t get a chance to know her like you all did. What if Greg isn’t for me? I don’t feel any passion for him—we’re just friends.” I glance at Caleb, who usually backs me up, but he can’t even look me in the eyes.
“Madeline, we want you to be happy.” Ben says. “I think we can all agree you are an adult now and we can’t stop you from engaging in an adult relationship anymore. But I didn’t realize you would be willing to throw your future away over sex. This football player is a passing thing—trust me. Let’s hope he has some sort of brain under that football helmet, but chances are, he just wants one thing from you and when he gets it he will be gone. Greg’s been a perfect gentleman; he respects you and this family. Don’t fuck that up.”
We now have the attention of a few of the tables around us and Caleb shoots a look to Brandon before trying to smooth things over. “Madeline, Greg is a good guy. I don’t know what’s going on between you two but I’m sure it’s something that can be worked out.” When he reaches out to touch my hand, I pull it away as if he has burned me.
“For the record, Greg is the one who suggested we take a break, Ben. And who I sleep with is my business. I don’t ask you who you sleep with and would never pressure you to be in a relationship that didn’t make you happy.” I move to signal our waiter but then think better of it when Ben leans forward, closing the distance between us.
“Madeline, we can sit here and pretend that the world we live in has come a long way and that your sex life and my sex life will be judged on the same scale, but that would be a waste of our time. Apparently you have not learned the art of discretion. Can you name one girl I have slept with? No, you can’t, because I keep it that way. Do what you want in private—but quit making out like a teenager in public. If we hear about it, so does Greg.”
I hadn’t even considered that and it drains the blood from my face. Greg. If my brothers have heard about my time with Jackson then he has, too. I swallow hard and place my forearms on the table with my palms flat down to brace myself against the sudden feeling of floating outside of my body. Oh my God, I need to talk to Greg.
“Madeline, he knows about the quarterback.” Caleb reaches out again and touches my hand, and this time I let him. “I talked to his assistant this morning and she said he isn’t focused at work. You owe him the courtesy of telling him what’s happening. He loves you. He loves you completely independently of what we want for you, independently of what Dad can do for him, and in spite of what you’ve been doing.”
I look up at Caleb and fight the tears as they begin to fill my eyes. I can feel Brandon squirming uncomfortably at my side. I can’t believe I didn’t think about my time with Jackson getting back to Greg. I hate our tight social network, the eyes on every corner. I scoot my chair back and place my napkin on the table.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with Greg until I know I won’t have regrets. Whatever happens when Greg comes home, I will make sure it is not an embarrassment to this family. I hear your message and I will be more careful in the future, but let’s get one thing clear—it is my future. I have to find my own way.”
Ben opens his mouth to speak, but I am not finished.
“I’ll see you in two weeks, and not one minute before. Stay out of this. Trust me to handle my life with dignity and competence.” I turn from the table and manage to reach the front exit before the tears start to fall. It takes all of my strength to get back to my car and away from the heartbreak that just took place at that table. I drive through the city on autopilot, not paying attention to the time or where I am going, just trying to feel some peace about what took place at lunch.
The few memories I have of my mother find their way into the quiet car and I can almost smell her perfume. I know so little about her and I worry that each day I am losing what few facts I have left. I think back to the photo where she was young and happy, perched on John’s lap. I try hard to remember a time or a picture that I’ve seen where my mother was as happy as she looked then, but I can’t think of any. She clearly loved John and he loved her, but I don’t know why she ended up with my father. Maybe John left her, maybe the passion died out or she discovered they weren’t meant for each other. I don’t know the details of what happened between her relationship with John and her decision to marry my father, but I know there was time. In that time she figured herself out, and all I’m asking for is to have that chance, too.
I pull over across the street from my apartment as the sun begins to set and close my eyes. At the moment, I am trapped in my car. I can’t go inside and be with Abby and her troubles. That makes me a terrible friend but I know if I go in there we will both drown in our sadness. I open my eyes and stare up at the building as lights begin to come on. I don’t have the courage to call Greg. I can’t imagine what I would say to him, so instead I leave my car and cross the street.
I head for the walkway along the side of the building and find the trellis. I take a look behind me, remembering the night I shared here with Jackson. The lattice seems much more stable and I am on the roof in no time. Taking a moment to close my eyes tight and turn my face up to the night sky, I breathe in as the crisp air cools my tear-streaked skin. When the tension has melted away and the tears have dried, I make my way over to my little corner.
At first I think someone has thrown a trash bag on the roof, but upon closer inspection I can see that there is a gift wrapped in a plastic bag in my little corner. When I reach to push it aside I notice the block letters spelling out “Rookie” in black marker across the bag. I can’t help but smile, my heavy mood immediately lifted. I have no idea what could possibly be inside, but obviously Jackson has left it for me. I pull the items out one by one and feel my heart grow in my chest.
There is a pair of Mary Jane flats, a hooded sweatshirt that smells like Jackson, a small blanket and a little velvet box with an envelope taped to the top. I spread out the blanket and pull the sweatshirt over my head, bringing the front up to my nose to breathe in his scent. I sit on the blanket, open the envelope and remove the piece of paper folded inside.
Dear Rookie,
Since you are reading this, you must have ignored my previous hint that being on the roof alone is probably a bad idea. This doesn’t surprise me, of course, but I am going to be sad to hear that you have found this, because it means I missed an opportunity to hold you under the stars again. I packed you a small blanket—because of course you are alone, right? And my sweatshirt to keep you warm since I can’t wrap my arms around you. I have also added a few nails to the trellis because I’m not there to spot you. I want you to wear the sensible shoes I bought for you (yes, I peeked at your size) so that you don’t twist that ankle again, because I am not there to catch you if you fall.
I may not know everything there is to know about you, Maddy, but I know you come up here when you are running from something. I may not be able to be there all the time for you, but there are many things I can do for you. I can be thinking of you and taking care of you even when we aren’t together. As much as I would like you to think I hung the moon, some things I can’t arrange. A meteor shower was a bit out of my league but please enjoy the jewelry. I saw it the day after I met you and had to make sure it would be yours someday. I don’t know when you’ll find this, but I do know that the chances of me thinking of you at this very minute are higher than I should admit.
Your move, Rookie,
Jackson
I open the box and gasp. A beautiful pendant on a silv
er chain shines back at me: a star with several small jewels arced in the image of a meteor. It is my very own shooting star. After putting it on my neck, I lie back on the blanket and stare up the sky. With a smile I think about the fact that Jackson may not have hung the moon, but he brought light into my heart.
Chapter Ten
I muster the courage to call Greg after sleeping off the emotional hangover I had from spending time with my controlling brothers. We need to talk about my behavior and his expectations. I am going into this phone call unsure of what I want.
“Hey, sweetheart. It’s so good to see your name on my phone.” He is as encouraging as always and the guilt I have already is growing with each kind word.
“Hi, Greg. Sorry I didn’t call you back last night. I had a rough lunch with my brothers and then I feel asleep. I know we need to talk. How are you?” I genuinely care how he is doing. I would love nothing more than to feel a passion for him because he warms every other part of my soul. If I could find the chemistry with him that I have with Jackson, I would give in to our future together.
“I guess I’m doing as well as can be expected. Ben called me last night. I told him I’m not sure I will be coming home to our relationship. From what I hear, you’ve been spending some time with Jackson Rider.”
“Yes, we have been spending time together. I’m so sorry if that hurts you. I didn’t realize until yesterday that I’ve been selfish in not paying attention to what information you would have to hear.”
“Madeline, be careful with him. Guys like him have women throwing themselves at them all the time. Don’t allow yourself to become one of them. I knew you needed some time to figure out what you wanted, but I never thought you’d jump into another relationship so quickly. It was hard for me to hold back over the past year, to keep my hands off of you. But I did it because I love you, because I wanted you to know that you weren’t just a notch on my bedpost. I hope you are thinking clearly about what each of us would mean for your future.”
