Dr. Secaule stood up and clapped. “Zee game is over. And, your session vif me is over.”
“Over?” Claire asked.
“Ka-poot,” Dr. Secaule said. She grabbed a pen and signed a paper with a flourish. She handed the paper to Ollie. “Zere is my signature. You are now fwee to pwesent this shit of paper to zee judge.”
“That’s it?” Ollie asked.
“That’s it,” Dr. Secaule said. “Congratulations. You can now get diworced.”
“Wait a minute. I thought you were supposed to be saving our marriage,” Ollie said.
“Nein. I cannot save your marriage. Only you can do that. It is in your hands. You can get diworced or you can stay married. It is your choice,” Doctor Secaule said. “You can have a happily ever after or a happily never after. Simple, ja?”
“Ja,” Claire and Ollie said in unison.
Scarlet Makes A Move
Ollie, G-Ray, Begonia, and EZ were playing Old Maid in the dining room when they heard the crash from upstairs. The chandelier over the table swung back and forth from the force of the thud overhead.
“What was that?” G-Ray asked.
“It came from Claire’s room,” Ollie said. She raced up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Without bothering to knock, she threw open Claire’s bedroom door. “Claire? Are you all right?”
Claire sat on her bed crying. Her laptop lay on the floor with a cracked screen.
“What happened?” Ollie said.
Claire had her face buried in her hands. Between sobs, Claire managed to say, “Scarlet… is… having… affair.”
Ollie knelt before Claire and put one hand on her knee. She asked softly, “How do you know? Did someone call and tell you? And then you dropped your computer?” Ollie’s mind raced with the possibilities. She didn’t even have time to gloat. This should have been wonderful news for her but the pain it caused Claire made it a hollow victory.
Claire sobbed and scratched her butt at the same time. “I read the… emails. I didn’t even know we had a Gmail account until it popped up. She…was emailing… the woman the entire time…she was here.”
“And then you threw your computer.”
Claire nodded, her face contorted with misery.
“Oh, sweetie,” Ollie said, sitting on the bed and wrapping her arms around Claire. Claire cried into her shoulder.
“How could she do this?” Claire said.
“A better question would be why,” Ollie said. Was the woman nuts? Could this fling thing be worth it? What was Scarlet thinking, cheating at this point in the game? Or had she always cheated and Claire just hadn’t found out about it? This was definitely a WTF moment.
“Ollie, what am I going to do?” Claire said.
“What are you going to do? You’re going to tell Scarlet to piss off. What do you mean do? There’s nothing to be done. She cheated. It’s over. You can’t possibly allow this,” Ollie said, she was worked up now, indignant beyond words. “Tell her to go fuck herself that’s what you’re going to do.”
“But what about the wedding? Invitations have been sent. We’re already registered at Neiman Marcus. What will people think?” Claire was off the bed and picking up her computer. The screen had several cracks running through it, but the computer itself seemed to be working fine. “I have to talk to her. Get her side of the story.”
“Why?” Ollie asked.
“Because no one is guilty until proven so. Maybe there is some misunderstanding.” Claire said. She clicked on the Skype icon.
“Claire, there’s no misunderstanding unless Scarlet was now writing lesbian fiction with hot sex scenes sprinkled in,” Ollie said.
“No, they weren’t like that. They were like little messages, like I had a wonderful time last night, I can’t stop thinking about you,” Claire said.
“Especially when you had your hand down my pants,” Ollie finished.
“There might be an explanation,” Claire said.
Ollie was furious. Her face was red and she wanted to kill Scarlet and now she was totally disgusted with Claire. “You’re really going to let her explain? Claire, that’s crazy. She’ll lie to you, that’s what cheaters do.”
Downstairs the doorbell rang. Someone answered it. There was a brief exchange and EZ called up the stairs. Her cumin bath must have woken her up. “Claire, there’s a delivery for you. You want me to bring it up?”
“Bet money, it’s flowers,” Ollie said, savagely.
“Okay,” Claire called out, her face clouded with uncertainty.
EZ came up with an enormous vase that must have held three-dozen red roses. Claire stared at them.
“She must have fucked her,” Ollie said, standing. “If you go back to her I’m never speaking to you again. I mean it. You won’t be the woman I fell in love with.” She stomped to the door.
“Ollie, wait,” Claire said.
Ollie turned. “No, either you end it or I’m out of here. I may have emptied a swimming pool but I never cheated on you. If she’s what you want, go for it.”
“Ollie, please stay and I’ll talk to her. I want you to listen so I’ll know for sure. Please, I need you right now,” Claire said.
Claire pleading was a difficult sight to behold. She looked so forlorn and yet beautiful at the same time. Ollie wanted to scoop her up and kiss away her tears and make everything better by flaying Scarlet alive. “So you want a tribunal?”
“Can we film it?” EZ asked.
“Yes, and yes,” Claire answered.
EZ stared at Ollie. “Let’s see what she has to say,” EZ said. “She’s either got a good excuse or she’s going to hang herself, right?”
“Is everything all right up there?” G-Ray called up.
“Yes, we’re going to do an interview with Scarlet,” EZ yelled back. “Claire’s going to ask her if she’s a cheating whore.”
“Sweet,” G-Ray said. “I’ll be right up.”
The Tribunal
Claire sat on her bed with her computer balanced on her lap. Ollie stood at the end of the bed, close enough for support, but far enough away that Scarlet wouldn’t be able to see her through the computer’s webcam. Over in the corner of the room, EZ and G-Ray had the video camera set up on a tripod and were standing off to one side.
Claire dialed and within seconds Scarlet’s face loomed large on the screen. There was a big crack running down the middle of it from where it had shattered.
Scarlet was all toothy smiles and obviously had no clue what was about to happen. “Hi, baby. Did you get my flowers?”
“I did,” Claire said, coldly.
“Do you like them?” Scarlet asked. She continued without waiting for an answer, “You don’t know how much those cost. Iowa commits highway robbery on roses this time of year. But I don’t care. You’re worth every penny.”
Claire crossed her arms and demanded, “Who is she?”
Ollie recognized that tone. It meant Claire’s fuse was lit and she was about three seconds away from exploding. Standing next to her felt like holding a lit firecracker in your hand.
“Who is who?” Scarlet asked super-innocently.
“Oh, don’t play innocent with me,” Claire uttered between clenched teeth.
“What are you talking about?” Scarlet said.
“I saw the emails. You’ve been having an affair the whole time I’ve been gone,” Claire said.
“What? What email? What affair?” Scarlet stuttered.
Ollie sat down next to Claire and glared at Scarlet. “How could you be so stupid? You didn’t even try to hide it.”
“What’s she doing there?” Scarlet asked. “And for the record why were you reading my personal email account? What’re you doing violating my privacy?”
“How about you violating my sacred trust? How about that?” Claire said.
“Yeah, how about that?” Ollie echoed.
“Get her out of here, Claire. This is between us,” Scarlet said.
“We’re here for moral
support,” Ollie said.
“We?” Scarlet squinted one eye. “Are you videotaping this?”
Ollie held her chin high and said, “I most certainly am. This is a tribunal and will be part of the film and it doesn’t shine a very favorable light on you, I can tell you that.”
Scarlet re-focused on Claire and tried another tactic. “Listen, baby. Monica doesn’t mean anything. I was just lonely and she was there. If you had been here it wouldn’t have happened. We didn’t have sex. I swear it. We went out to dinner and kissed that’s all.”
“I’m not buying it,” Claire said.
“I’m not buying it either,” Ollie said.
“But I swear, Claire. I felt so bad afterwards. I hate myself for kissing her. Besides she’s not as pretty or smart as you are. And you kiss better. She’s a teeth clanker. I didn’t enjoy it. I’m so sorry.” Scarlet started to cry.
“You’re disgusting,” Ollie said. “And you’re an ugly crier.”
Scarlet ignored her. “We went out for drinks to talk about work, and then when I dropped her off, she leaned over and kissed me. She thinks it’s more but I swear it’s not. She doesn’t work for the firm. She’s a temp. I can get rid of her. I will get rid of her. I promise.”
“You fucked a temp. That’s even worse. This Monica doesn’t even have a permanent job.” Ollie said.
“For your information, Ollie, she’s going to law school and needed the work to help finance her education,” Scarlet said indignantly.
“So now you’re defending her?” Ollie said.
“Ollie, be quiet for a minute,” Claire said. “Scarlet, tell me the truth, do you swear you’ve never done this before?”
“When would I have time? This is the first time we’ve been apart,” Scarlet answered.
“Oh, so you didn’t have time to fit an affair in before this. But once Claire is away for a few days, you find the time?” Ollie demanded to know.
“Ollie, please,” Claire said. “Let me handle this.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth, Ollie,” Scarlet said.
“If the foo shits, wear it,” Ollie snarled.
“What’s a foo?” Scarlet said.
“You know what I meant,” Ollie snapped. “When I get mad my words get tangled up.”
“Ollie, please, stop talking. I need to make sense of this,” Claire said. She put her hands over her ears.
“Yes, Ollie, please, stop talking. In fact, why don’t you go away? This is between me and my future wife,” Scarlet said.
Ollie glared at Scarlet. “It is also between me and my present wife whom I promised to love, honor and cherish. I’m not handing her over to a Cheater Cheater, pumpkin eater.”
Scarlet laughed derisively. “I think you meant to say Peter.”
“Peter eater?” Ollie said.
“No, stupid. The nursery rhyme goes Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater. Not Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater,” Scarlet said.
“I know that!” Ollie yelled. “That was my point. It was a play on words. That you’re obviously too dense to comprehend.”
Claire yelled, “Shut up! The two of you just shut up!”
Everyone grew quiet.
Claire took a deep breath and said, “We need a time out here. Scarlet, I need time to think. I’ll get back to you.”
“What? But wait, baby, I…” Scarlet squeaked as Claire shut the lid on the computer.
Ollie stood and paced back and forth. Claire was quiet for a long time then she said, “I think she’s telling the truth.”
“I think she’s full of shit,” Ollie said.
“And I think your opinion is skewed by anger,” Claire said.
“That’s only because I care,” Ollie grumbled. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know that, Ollie. But Scarlet and I have built a life and a future together. Do I throw all that away over a minor dalliance? A kiss she didn’t even enjoy? I don’t think she’ll do it again. Look how terrible she felt.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Ollie said. Her face was hot. “You’re going to let her get away with this?”
Claire looked at her toes, the floor, the wall, anywhere but at Ollie. “We have monogrammed napkins and gold-embossed invitations. The cake is ordered. The hotel is booked. We’re going to Brussels for our honeymoon. It’s already paid for.”
Ollie stood there and stared at her. “What sort of world are you living in? One minute you’re selling your car and talking about finding the new you that’s living in the now and the next moment you’re willing to overlook a cheating fiance because you’ve already spent money on a cake. Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too, Claire.” Ollie strode to the door, opened it and slowly turned back to face Claire. “I don’t know why I said that about the cake. It doesn’t make sense. But it makes about as much sense as you do.”
She walked out the door. Then turned back for one last word, “I hope you and Scarlet have a happy life. You deserve each other.”
She shut the door between them.
Claire burst into tears.
Squirrel In A Box
One whole week went by with Ollie and Claire tip-toeing around each other. They were polite, but nothing more. Finally, Ollie couldn’t stand being in the house all day and went to Sleepy Hollow and applied for a job. To her surprise, she was hired on the spot. Maybe it was because G-Ray hired her. He had gone out the week before and got hired as the manager of the rental shop. So, now G-Ray was Ollie’s boss.
Ollie thought it was it was weird taking orders from G-Ray, but it was turning out okay. At least it was better than being stuck inside a house that felt like a tomb.
“Dood, that is so totally wrong,” G-Ray said. He was helping her tune the snowboards that had come in over the weekend. The renters were hard on the equipment, mostly because they didn’t know what they were doing yet and tended to run over things like scrub brush, rocks, and each other.
“I know, right? How can she possibly stay with that woman?” Ollie asked as she ran a file over the edge of a Lamar snowboard.
“Because she’s afraid of being alone and she’s embarrassed and she doesn’t realize you love her.”
“How can she not know that I love her?” Ollie said, taking P-Tex and filling in a long deep gash on the bottom of a board. It looked like Freddie Krueger had taken it for a ride.
“Well, did you ever tell her?” G-Ray said as he scraped excess wax off a board.
“Well, yeah, back in the day. Not lately.”
“And why not?”
“Because it seemed inappropriate,” Ollie said.
“I don’t think love is ever inappropriate,” G-Ray said. “Love is a very powerful agent in the universe. It produces a whole host of chemicals in the human body which is why there is the term ‘crazy in love.’”
“What’s that have to do with anything?”
“It explains why Claire keeps looking past Scarlet’s obvious faults—control freak, philanderer…”
“Bitch,” Ollie interrupted.
G-Ray laughed. “She’s a total bitch, all right.”
“Speaking of love, how’s it going with Begonia?” Ollie asked.
“Far out,” G-Ray said. “She has me meditating every morning, man. It’s to control my tocks. She thinks my tocks talking is just my way of my subconscious desires making themselves known. My tocks are really my inner desires. And once I calm my mind through meditation, my tocks won’t have to talk to me.”
“Is the meditation working?”
“My mind is not a quiet creature. But I’m trying. I totally envision the waves on the beach which works okay until my brain realizes what’s happening and then it feels like a squirrel trapped in a box.”
Ollie laughed.
“I prefer tantric sex over meditation. You should try it. But prepare to have your mind totally blown,” he said, putting the final buff on his wax job.
“Claire’s never going to let me get that close,” Ollie said,
scraping away the excess
P-Tex.
“I wasn’t talking about Claire. You could hook up with somebody else,” G-Ray said.
“Like who?”
“Dood, that chick Delilah that works Lift Two has a total boner for you,” G-Ray said.
“Boner? Are you sure she’s a girl?”
“Girls can have boners too,” G-Ray said. “They’re called lady boners.”
Ollie laughed. “Anyone with a name like that is bound to be dangerous. Her biblical namesake altered history. I don’t want her altering mine. I’ll stick to pining after Claire. At least for a while.”
“Ah, unrequited love,” G-Ray said. He looked heavenward and said dramatically, “Why do we always want what we cannot have?”
Don’t Be Cruel
Claire woke up. It was the middle of the night. She’d been having a dream that Scarlet was cheating on her and that Ollie hated her and she was stuck in an old, cold house far, far away from home. No wait, that was no dream. It was reality.
She heard somebody crying and for a moment she thought it was coming from Ollie’s bedroom. Then she realized it sounded like it was coming from inside her own bedroom. She quickly clapped her hands and the bedside lamp flicked on.
What she saw made her heart still and the blood freeze in her veins. Elvis was slumped in a chair in the corner. The book “Elvis and Me” lay face down in his lap. His face was buried in his hands and he was sobbing.
Elvis had on a white jumpsuit, complete with studded cape, and his big belly was pushing the limits of the seams.
“Elvis?” Claire whispered.
He looked at her between his fingers and then another round of sobs wracked his heavy frame.
“I was wondering if you’d show up again,” Claire said. “Why are you crying?”
Elvis blew his nose on the hem of his cape. He took a big, shaky breath and dabbed at his eyes. “I’m sad. I’m just an old, fat, sad excuse of a man.”
“You’re not so old,” Claire said.
“If I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?”
Crazy Little Thing Page 20
