He let out an exasperated sigh and threw his head back like he didn’t want to go through this again. My confidence started to depreciate and my heart began to break because everything in his body language was showing me that he didn’t want the same.
“What level is that Kaia? Marriage, kids?” He said sounding annoyed and like what I was asking him for was ridiculous.
I wanted to just abandon the conversation all together because I couldn’t take the way he was making me feel. He looked at me angrily like I had done something wrong. I stuck to my grounds though and forced myself to continue.
“No, I mean yes one day I would like that with you. Right now I’m just asking for a solid commitment. I mean we’ve been seeing each other for two years and I still can’t even call you my boyfriend. I’m ready to move-on from friends.” I said hoping he’d understand my plea.
He placed his hands on my waist and joisted me up from his lap. He stood up and grabbed his plate and his glass and walked into the house with me quickly following behind.
“Malcolm?” I called after him.
“Look,” he said snapped, “I told you when I met you I had a lot on my plate and that I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I got my ex-wife fucking drive me crazy, two kids to take care of and here you are sweating me about some relationship shit. Are you really that selfish? Huh?” He said looking at me like I’d just asked him to give me a million dollars when I already had ten.
I’d never seen him get this angry before and it scared me. I felt like a complete fool now. With my confidence level plummeting by the second I tried again to reason with him.
“No, I’m not selfish, I know how much you have to deal with I just think we could do this together…be a team.” I said as my voice faded lower and lower.
With his hands pressed against the granite counter-top he chuckled, “Be a team? I was a team with my ex-wife and look where that’s gotten me.” He exhaled, “Kaia I’m never getting married again, I’m not having any more kids and you need to deal with that.”
My heart sank so low I didn’t think it would beat again. I felt my emotions surge and then become an overwhelming force that gave me no choice but to explode into tears. I covered my mouth with my hands and ran to the refuge of my room. Closing the door behind me I threw myself onto my blanket, buried my head in my satin pillowcase and cried. I felt horrible and undesirable to Malcolm. If he loved me the way I loved him there would be no reason why he wouldn’t want to commit to me.
“Why didn’t he love me? What was so wrong with me that he didn’t want to claim me as his woman?” I questioned myself feeling hurt, confused and like I was the most unwanted woman in the world.
I lay there in the bed for a long while clinging on to my pillow. I went back and forth in my mind replaying what happened and how quickly things went sour. I could never seem to just put it to him the right way, express how I feel without making him angry.
Several minutes later I wasn’t sure if Malcolm had left or what he was doing because the house was so quiet. I got up and walked to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I thought about how I had rushed to get home and prepare myself for him and how he didn’t even appreciate it. I pictured myself when I was in this very bathroom earlier tonight applying my eyeliner and mascara, I was happy and excited; I felt beautiful. Now I stared at myself and my eyes were blood shot red and puffy from crying. Black mascara tears stained my face and I no longer looked attractive, I just looked pathetic. I grabbed a wash cloth and held it under running cold water and imagined myself being lonely forever and never having the family I wanted. The thought of that hurt me so much I broke down to my knees and started crying again.
“Kaia,” I heard Malcolm call from the other side of the door.
His voice surprised me and I immediately stopped crying. I stood up and took the washcloth and began washing my face.
Choking the sob that wanted to leap out of my throat I replied, “I thought you were gone.” Still from inside the bathroom.
“Come out, let me talk to you.” He said in a calmer tone then the one he’d used with me earlier.
I took a few moments to blow my nose then resumed washing my face. After composing myself I came out of the bathroom not knowing what to expect. I wanted him to apologize and tell me I was right and he was wrong. I wanted him to tell me that he really cared about me and that we could get through anything together. Instead he grabbed my hands, led me over to the bed and began kissing me. He slowly began pulling my dress above my waist then my head dropping it to the floor. He continued kissing me while he unhooked my bra and I fought with myself internally.
Why am I letting him do this? Make him stop he doesn’t deserve you.
But I found it easier to let him have his way instead of stopping him and risk losing him for this moment we did have together.
He worked his lips down my neck then migrated to my breast taking my nipples into his mouth at the same time and sucking them whole. My heart began to pulsate back to life as I watched him with my breasts in his hands as he flicked my nipples with his tongue. I let out moans of pleasure and allowed myself to be taken by him. It was the only thing I could do to numb the pain at the moment. He grabbed my behind and picked me up as he climbed on top of the bed and positioned us in the center of the mattress. He laid me down gently on my back and removed his shirt exposing his hard chest and eight pack abs. Then he removed his pants and proceeded in sliding my panties of me slowly and delicately. He handled me so gently as if he was trying to make-up for the pain he caused. He positioned himself in between my legs then stopped and looked me in my eyes.
“Titles don’t matter to me, I love you. That’s what’s important.” He said as he then entered me in a slow and passionate motion.
A tear rolled down my face because even if his words were genuine, I knew the chances of him giving me what I wanted most in life, a loving family, were slim to none. But I allowed myself to believe him anyway and let my body succumb to his slow grinding motion. He worked his way in and out of me causing me to moan like crazy and imagine that I was making love to my husband and him to his wife.
When I woke up in the morning Malcolm and all traces of him were gone. I was alone again and filled with sadness.
Nine
Sonya
It was still dark when Kaia and I pulled out of Chateau Oasis and headed for the 15 South towards Primm. We had nearly impossible hopes of purchasing a winning Powerball ticket, or at least I did. Besides an occasional dip in the pool followed by Sunday dinner at my mother’s I rarely seemed to leave the house anymore. I was willing to do almost anything to break up the monotony of my boring weeks turned into a month and a half from still being unemployed, so to the state line I go.
The odds were against me at about 175 million to 1 and after begging and pleading with Kaia for nearly three days she agreed to come along with me. Weeks ago about an hour before our scheduled installation appointment with ADT, which turned out to be an extra $30 per month out of my pocket (but was offset by the $100 VISA gift card we received for new installs), she’d come over to my apartment and woefully described the big fight she and Malcolm had the night before. She shed lots of tears while I tried to comfort her the best way I could, but I knew better than most that only time can heal the wounds of the heart. He’d hurt her deeply. She hadn’t been her same Positive Polly self lately. When she tried to smile she’d only seemed to radiate doom and gloom. Even though we’d only known each other a short time, I cared for this girl.
“So Kaia do you have any numbers in mind? You know when you hit the jackpot I want a piece of that prize money right?” I joked trying to lift her spirits.
“You can have it all,” She said, “Why would I need millions of dollars anyway?”
“So you can buy a mansion and buy your friend one to.” I chortled.
“You know, I bet if I had millions I could get any guy I wanted then. I wouldn’t have to worry about Malcolm putting a ring o
n it.” She said dully.
“Yea, but then you wouldn’t be able to tell if the guy loved you for you or for your money,” I said wishing she’d pep up and realize the craziness in her comments.
I turned the radio on to a Neo Soul station and transitioned from the 95 South to the 15 South headed out of Vegas. I loved early morning drives like this. The roads were peaceful and still and the sun would be rising over the horizon soon. The brief thirty-minute drive to Primm at this time in the morning was perfect to clear my mind and find my center. I’d been so stressed out about my bills and lack of money that I was starting to doubt myself again. The only things that brought me any kind of reassurance were my jewelry designs for the bachelorette party. By the way they were coming along beautifully which reminded me I needed to show Saundra my prototypes and get her approval so she could write a check for the materials I needed to order.
After spending hours online and perusing the isles of Jo-Ann’s I desperately wanted to whip out a credit card and stock up on beads, and chains, and wires, and jewels for my own business venture. But with no real income that wasn’t possible. I can’t buy supplies for my business without a decent paying job and since I haven’t received not one callback lately it was all a great big catch-22. I was beginning to feel like just another face in the crowd. This life isn’t good enough and even through all of my efforts I still feel powerless at the moment and that part that hurts the most.
I glanced over at Kaia and could sense the pain in her heart. I took a sip of the hot coffee we’d made before leaving the house and decided that enough was enough. I couldn’t stand to see her sad anymore, she was bringing me down now. I knew that keeping in all of this pain wasn’t good for her. She was too pretty and smart and successful to let his lame ass keep her down.
“So talk to me girl. How long are you going to let this asshole affect your life?”
She let out a sigh, “He hasn’t called me. I haven’t heard from him since that night. I don’t know what to think right now.”
“Is that normal? How long do you guys normally go without talking?” I asked trying to get a better picture of the dynamic of their relationship.
“It depends, sometimes a week, sometimes less, never this long though.” She confessed. “That night I thought I was doing the right thing by asking him to commit to me. I wasn’t asking for a ring, I just told him I wanted to move-on to the next level and he freaked out.”
“What makes you think you didn’t do the right thing? I think you were completely justified in asking him to commit to you. I mean two years went by, what did he expect? You did the right thing.” I said in an effort to comfort her.
“Was it though? I feel worse off now than I did before.” She said with her head leaned against the window looking out at the road. “This feeling I have right now just doesn’t seem worth it.”
“Kaia if he can’t be man enough to commit to you after two years then you don’t need him in your life. What’s so great about him anyway? What is it about him that has you so caught up?” I asked wanting to know what this guy did that made her fall so head over heels.
“Besides the fact that he’s mature and goal-oriented, he’s fun to talk to, he’s a responsible father, and he turned his love of fitness into his career. He makes me smile.” She said as her face grew a reminiscent look.
“Okay, those are decent qualities in a man, but tell me something specific that he did that made you feel like he was the one for you. Did he ever show you that he was interested in being committed?” I asked.
She tilted her head up to the ceiling while her face wore a puzzled look. She was clearly trying to think hard on this one. She stayed quiet for a while before responding. Turning to me and gaining some excitement in her voice she tried to explain.
“It’s not like anything that he did specifically, I just see the potential in him and what we could be...together. You know how it is Sonya when you meet someone and you’re like wow, if we get together I could see us doing this, and see us doing that. I guess when it comes down to it he really hasn’t done anything specific, I guess I just loved the idea of it all.” She replied truthfully.
“Ah ha!” I proclaimed with my finger pointed in the air like I’d just discovered something very profound.
“Ah ha what?” Kaia questioned with an inquisitive look on her face.
“Malcolm’s never really showed you anything that said he would be or even could be committed to you. You saw his potential and the possibility of how he could fulfill your dreams and you fell in love with the idea of him.” I said while putting my fingers in quotation marks when I said potential and idea.
“So this is my fault then.” She said defensively probably feeling like I was getting down on her.
“No, no it’s not. Did you tell him what you wanted from the beginning? Did he know you wanted a relationship?”
“Yes,” She replied, “Before we ever became intimate I told him I wanted to get married and have children before I got too old. I stressed the importance of both of those things in my life.” She said in her defense.
“And yet he slept with you anyway and kept sleeping with you. He’s led you to think that some day when he got the kinks worked out in his life he’d be ready to commit. But that hasn’t been his plan and that’s what makes him an asshole and another guy to put on my shit list.” I said, “It’s not your fault Kaia, you just can’t settle for what these guys are willing to give cause’ it ain’t much trust me.”
Kaia looked at me and smiled, “He’s on your shit list?” she asked in a mellow tone.
I laughed, “Yes he is, and any other guy that tries to hurt you.”
“Well thank you. I appreciate that.” She said. “What is it with men that make it so easy for them to lie to and mislead women?”
“Plain and simple, they’re selfish. It’s like in their DNA or something. It can be cured for some of them, but I think the majority are a lost cause. You know if you ask me I’d throw them all down a hole and only bring them up for breeding and heavy labor.”
We both laughed at that.
“Kaia it’s imperative that you learn to find your voice. You have to stick up for yourself and for the things you want. You have to toughen up and take a stance in your life.” I said giving her my honest heart felt opinion.
“I know. That’s something I’ve been battling my whole life. Trust me that’s one gene I wish I’d inherited from my mother. She has no problem with telling it like it is.” She confessed. “It hurts though you know. Being rejected like that.”
“I know it does and I’m sorry you had to go through that. But I can’t stand to see you so miserable anymore.” I replied feeling relieved that she seemed to lighten up a bit.
“Tell me Sonya, how can you go through life and not bat an eye about being single? What’s your secret girl because guys look at you and you don’t even give them the time of day?” She asked like I was going to unlock some secret answer that could help all women. “It’s like you’re immune to these...assholes.”
“There you go. Sometimes you just need to curse to release the tension. That’s what I do.” I said laughing before responding to her question. I felt I could trust Kaia with my inner most secrets of Lamont but I didn’t want to bring the mood down. But I didn’t want to be dishonest with her either. It was important to let her know how badly I’ve been hurt and that I didn’t get to the place of blissful singleness easily.
“Well, while I was in college at UNR I started dating this guy who was older than me. He didn’t go to school with me but I met him at a club one night. To make a long story short, he became really abusive and I started slipping on my responsibilities at work and school.” I paused to take a sip of my coffee before continuing on with the next part, “I got pregnant and he pretty much went into a rage on me. He wanted me to get rid of it, it.” I said beginning to feel angry at the thought of what transpired years ago.
She said nothing but shook her head in disbelief
.
“But for the most part I’m over it now. I’m just trying to recoup from the time I lost feeling sorry for myself. I’m trying to continue on with my plans but I wasted so much fucking time that it seems so hard. Men are only an annoyance in my life. I just don’t have the time for them. I guess that’s why it’s easy for me not to care about them.”
“I understand,” Kaia said, “I completely understand now. If only I had an ounce of your strength when it came to men, I’d be fucking unstoppable.”
I was surprised to actually hear more profanity come out of her mouth. I was becoming a good influence on her after all.
“And if only I had an ounce of your career I’d be fucking unstoppable to!”
We continued to drive the long stretch of highway when Kaia asked, “Did you hear the latest news about that story? The one about the home invasion with the pregnant woman – Jeanette Myers?”
“No I haven’t. What happened? She didn’t die did she?” I asked in desperation hoping that that wasn’t the case.
“No, she’s still hanging in there but her boyfriend - well actually he’s her fiancé - he’s taking it really hard. He’s been all over the news crying and begging people for leads and prayers. He wants justice, it’s so sad. There’s a bank account setup in his name so people can donate money for the medical bills and things. I sent fifty dollars.”
I nodded my head in approval of Kaia’s decision to make that donation, “That’s really cool of you Kaia. Damn, I wish I could help. I really hope they find those MF’s, but first I hope her and the baby get better, and fast. I really don’t understand this world we live in sometimes.”
The mood eventually evolved from melancholy to adventurous when we ended up switching the subject to lighter topics like what we were going to buy when we hit the jackpot. My first plan was to buy a moderately sized mansion in cash then skip off to the Virgin Islands for a year. Kaia was maybe a little more sensible than me and said the first thing she would do was buy her mother a house, any house she wanted, then retire early and travel the world.
The Countdown to Thirty Page 9
