by Tiana Cole
Chapter 2
“What the hell, Libby? You look like shit. Have you been up all night?”
Tracy was my work colleague. We had worked together in Human Resources of a major banking corporation. To begin with it was all I cared about, before I became baby crazy, moving up in the banking world. I saw big things for myself moving up the ranks from HR to management from management to CEO. After I was married, manager of the HR department, and ready to start a family moving up wasn’t important to me anymore. It had never been a priority for Tracy who was happy just moving up to management in HR and staying put.
We'd come in as juniors and now we were running the department together. Tracy was younger than me by two years. She was thirty four and had two beautiful daughters, twins aged twelve. She used to keep their picture on her desk but she saw how my eyes glazed over every time I looked at them and eventually the picture disappeared. She said she'd dropped it and it smashed but I knew why she'd really moved it. It made me feel like I had invaded her happy life, with my dreary one, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her to put it back.
“Thanks a lot, Tracy,” I said as I sat down hard in my chair. “As a matter of fact I must have gotten all of five minutes of sleep the entire night.”
Tracy leaned on her elbow on her desk opposite mine. “Did you have some...bad news,” she said. I knew she wasn’t prepared for what had actually happened, probably just another minor disappointment. Tracy would always say better luck next time for sure, but there wouldn’t be a next time. It wasn’t meant to be.
She knew I'd bought the pregnancy tests. I'd been raving about it all afternoon the day before. Tracy had done her best to try to keep me calm, telling me not to build my hopes up. But I'd put my bag over my shoulder before leaving and proudly declared, “Tracy I'm going to have a baby, I can feel it.” Now I really wished I had just kept my mouth shut. That would have been the much smarter thing to do, but I truly believed it as I had every time before that.
I put head in my hands and said nothing. Tracy got up and came over to me. She put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
“Oh you poor darling. I'm so, so, sorry.”
“Are you?” I said, looking up. “Or are you disappointed in me too and do you want out of this department because you're sick to death of me talking babies and ovulation all the time?” I was breathing heavily and staring straight at her. I was losing it a little bit, and it wasn’t good for my psyche to start yelling in the middle of the work day.
“What's gotten into you?” she asked me. “I know you're upset but I never once said I was sick of you talking about the whole baby thing. It's important to you, I know that. Shit, having a baby is all you live for, Libby.” She sat in the chair at the side of my desk.
“That's just it,” I told her. “It is all I live for. That's exactly what Mark said.”
“I guess he was just as disappointed, huh?”
I sat back in my chair and looked at Tracy. “Mark left me.”
“What do you mean? He stormed off like he does when you two fight about the test results? But he came back, right?”
I said nothing.
“Right?” Tracy repeated.
“Wrong. He left. And he means it this time. I blew it completely. He came home and found me on the bathroom floor like a half drowned kitten; crying and feeling sorry for myself. He told me we didn't know how to love each other anymore and that our house was a baby making factory. He accused me of never being loving to him. He doesn't feel loved and he doesn't want to be married to me. The horrible thing is, he was right, I had forgotten how to be a wife, and was just obsessed with having a baby all the time.”
“So he...?”
“Packed and left.”
“He might come back, Libby. He would have slept on it last night and just you wait, he'll be home again tonight with his tail between his legs.”
“I'm not so sure about that, not this time. If you'd seen him...”
“He loves you, Libby. You'll see. He'll come home.”
“Well, if he comes home, then that's it. I forget all about trying for a baby. I stop all the testing, temperature taking, calling him home from a ball game so he can impregnate me because I'm ovulating...”
“You sure about this, Libby?”
“Positive. If Mark comes back, he comes back to a new woman. I promise.”
I tried to stay positive all that day. I didn't call Mark because I didn't want to take the chance that a single wrong word from me would stop him coming home. I hugged Tracy before I left for home that evening and practically flew all the way home. I was so desperate to see Mark and apologize with all I had. I wanted us to make love like we used to, hours on end, weak and exhausted, the smell of sex like a big cloud in the bedroom.
I ran up the steps, my feet slamming on the wooden staircase and echoing in the building. I was sure the neighbors would complain but I didn't care. All I wanted was to be in Mark's arms. If he wasn't there yet, I'd start cooking his favorite meal. Or to hell with it, I'd take him out and buy him all the beers he could drink.
My hands shook as I unlocked the door. The apartment looked still and somehow untouched. Mark wasn't home yet, I could feel that. It didn't stop me calling out his name as I opened the kitchen door and then the bedroom door. It was in the bedroom that I stopped in my tracks. His closet door was slightly ajar. I ran to it and pulled the door open wide. The closet was completely empty. I swallowed hard. His cases were gone; the drawers were empty. He'd cleared the bathroom of every last trace of him.
I walked like a zombie to the living room and noticed the gaps where his books had been and his contribution to our CD collection. His favorite piece of artwork from the gallery we visited in Paris all those years ago was also missing and left a light colored rectangle where it had hung for most of our marriage.
I slumped onto the sofa. It was in Paris that we first decided to try for a baby. It seemed like a lifetime ago. He came when I wasn’t home so he didn’t have to say goodbye again. He was truly done with me, and I could not feel lower.
I reached for my cell in my bag and called Mark. Just as I thought, he wouldn't pick up. I had no voice, no sound came from my lips as I tried to leave a message. Instead, I curled into a ball on the sofa and wept. I cried myself to sleep. I had not slept the night before and my body just closed down, couldn't cope, just like I couldn't cope with life any more. He just left almost a decade of marriage, like it was an old shoe. I couldn’t help but feel completely worthless.
***
When I woke I was as stiff as a board. My neck ached and so did my back. I had a hollow pit in my stomach because I hadn't eaten since lunch time two days ago. I didn't eat at work the day before because I had been so excited about seeing Mark and telling him that I'd turned over a new leaf. I hadn’t eaten the day before that because I’d been too focused on scheduled sex.
I looked at the time on my cell, it was five in the morning. Shit. Not long before I had to get up for work. Work. There was no way I could possibly go in. I couldn't pretend to be my normal light and breezy self. I thought about that a minute. How long had it been since I was actually light and breezy? Years? I would just stay home and wait until I could face people.
But then the next day came and then the next and I still couldn't go in. I told management I had a high temperature and a sick stomach. It was Friday so I secretly vowed to sort my head out over the weekend and go in on Monday. I promised Tracy. I knew full well she hadn't bought the whole illness thing. She acted like she believed me, but I knew and she knew what was really going on.
When Monday finally came around I managed to drag myself in to work. Tracy jumped up and hugged me.
“If you hadn't shown up today I would have burst into your apartment building with a crane.”
“That seems excessive. I think you could have just knocked it down with a good swift kick.” I said and tried to smile. It didn’t work and she hugged me a little tighter.
The
days went by in a blur of work, the bus to and from work and my apartment. During the week days it was good to see Tracy but she had no idea that, apart from having to buy food, I never left my apartment. I didn't go anywhere, talk to anyone or do anything.
In fact, I'd come home from work and go straight to bed. I didn't put on the television, listen to music. I had no idea what was happening in the rest of the world. I didn’t care. I was good with curling up into a ball and feeling sorry for myself.
This went on for over a month and something must have roused Tracy's suspicions. She knew me well and eventually she decided to quiz me about the way I must have been acting.
“So, what did you do at the weekend?” she asked all bright and light one Monday morning.
“Oh, you know, the usual.”
“And from, 'the usual' you mean whatever it is that has given you bags under your eyes and makes you yawn at work all day long? Have you taken a second job or something?”
The truth was, or so I came to gather, all that inactivity was making me tired. Seriously tired. So much so that in the end, coming home and going straight to bed was all I could do anyway. It was like a sickness. For the first time, I felt like I might be truly depressed.
“Well,” Tracy said. “You've seemed a little out of it lately, you did remember my birthday next week?”
“Oh yeah, sure.” I lied.
“And you said we'd go out?”
“I did, didn't I?” I lied again. I didn't remember saying that. I didn't remember much of anything. I was making mistake after mistake at work and Tracy had been covering for me. Pretty soon I would lose my job and then there would be no reason for me to get out of bed. I couldn’t let that happen, but I didn’t see a way out of the deep hole I’d put myself in.
“Yes you did,” she said with a raised eyebrow. “I hope you bought something new and sexy. I decided we'd go to that funky bar on Sixth. You know – Adrenalin?”
“Aren't we a little too old for a place like that?” The thought of getting ready for a club exhausted me.
“Don't be silly. I've still got the mentality of a nineteen year old – even if the body didn't stay looking nineteen. Now you promised me, Libby.” I looked at her and noted how incredible she looked, her body stayed looking much better than mine and she’d had kids.
“Okay,” I said. I was already making up excuses in my head about how I could duck out of it. But when I got home and picked up the mail, I saw a suspicious looking brown envelope with my name on it; the stamp of Fischer, Mortimer and Faulks stamped on the front.
I opened the envelope and my worst nightmare had come true. Mark was divorcing me. The letter was from his solicitors. I called Tracy and sputtered through the news to her on the phone.
“I can't possible go out for your birthday now,” I told her. “I'd be terrible company.”
“That's just the incentive you need, Libby,” she shouted from the other end. “You make sure you have your credit card on you tomorrow. Lunch time we're going out to buy you a new dress. Your life is moving on whether you like it or not, starting with a night out with me. Then, you're going to start eating healthily again, you're going to start wearing make up again and fixing your goddamn hair. You got it?”
I took a deep breath.
“Libby?” she yelled.
“Yes, I've got it. Credit card. Tomorrow. New dress. New me.”
I hung up the phone and knew that Tracy was completely right. It was time to move on with my life. I was thirty six not ninety six. I still had life in me and it was time to live it. I could be more than a wife. I could be more than an unsuccessful mother, no matter how much I still wanted a child. Now, if I could only make myself believe it.
Chapter 3
“Are you sure about this?” I said to Tracy when she arrived outside my apartment in a taxi. We were on our way to Adrenalin and I felt like I had none. I really dreaded all the sweaty bodies and trying to maneuver through them. The thought gave me serious anxiety and I was dressed far too sexy to feel comfortable.
“Absolutely sure. I read an article about this place. The music is great, they do fabulous cocktails.”
“No, I meant about my dress.” I was wriggling in my seat. When Tracy accompanied me to buy my outfit she insisted I try on a cherry red dress. It was short – extremely short, I was afraid to bend over. It was tight fitting and very low cut, too. Along with the ultra-high heeled shoes I had to wiggle my hips to walk. It kinda made me feel sexy but I hadn't dressed so seductively in a long while. The thought of walking into the bar in such an outfit made me incredibly anxious.
“You look amazing. No-one will believe you're thirty six,” she said.
“Really? Anyway, what does it matter how I look? It's your birthday – let's just get out there and have a good time.”
“That's what I like to hear. I hate seeing you so miserable all the time. Let's hope tonight is a turning point for you, Libby.”
I squeezed her hand and smiled.
We arrived at our destination. Adrenalin had a smoked glass fronted building. The doormen were huge and tipped their hats as we entered. We walked into a lively place. The music was loud and there was a dance floor which was packed. I hadn't been to a bar like this in a long time. The majority of people were younger than me. I'd say mainly rich twenty somethings in designer clothes but I didn't care. I took in the atmosphere, scanned the whole place and looked towards the bar.
“What'll you have?” I asked Tracy.
“Let's go check out the cocktail menu,” she said and we linked arms as we skipped over to the big circular bar to the right of the room.
I felt like a completely different person. I forgot about IVF, I forgot about thermometers and pregnancy testing kits. I even forgot about Mark for the time being. I pushed all negativity from my brain and pretended I was just a normal young girl out for a good time.
After two Cosmopolitans, Tracy and I were laughing and giggly and having a great time. Perhaps we were being a bit too loud because we were attracting attention and people were being drawn in by our party mood. We ordered more cocktails and carried on the party vibe.
Apart from the friendly admiration of our loud jokes, I was becoming increasingly aware that someone was checking me out. It hadn't happened in such a long time and I was really flattered. The fact that my admirer was obviously a lot younger than me made me feel even better.
“That guy is definitely looking at you,” Tracy said. She got down from the high barstool and started swaying to the music. Actually it was more like stumbling around on her heels. Tracy had overdone it on the cocktails, but it was her birthday and I couldn't complain.
“Don't make it obvious,” I replied, trying to look away but turning straight back to find him smiling at me. He had dark hair, wavy and thick. He was very broadly built and was surrounded by a group of friends who were as tastefully dressed as he was.
I looked at Tracy who was looking longingly at the dance floor.
“Are you all right?” I asked her.
“Not sure,” she said looking a bit pale to me. “I want to dance but I think I need the bathroom. Any idea where it could be?” I wasn’t feeling the alcohol like she was, but I thought we’d had the same amount of alcohol.
I looked around and spotted the sign for the rest rooms. “They're over there. Let me help you,” I said.
“No, no, no,” Tracy slurred. “You line up the next cocktails and I'll be right back.”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Of course. One more drink before we get on that dance floor. This is my music, baby!”
I shook my head as Tracy weaved her way through the crowd and hoped for the best. Perhaps I should have gone with her. She made it to the door and I watched her disappear inside after waiting for a line of four women to go in before her. By the time she was at the door she was doing the tinkle dance.
“Your friend looks like she's having a good time.” The voice beside me was deep and seductive with a
slight southern twang. I turned to see the good looking man who had been checking me out earlier, now standing to my right. He was close, like his arm was almost touching my arm and it was the only thing I could think about.
“It's her birthday,” I told him, unable to look directly at him. “I think I might have to take her home.”
“It'd be a shame if you had to leave,” he said. I turned to get a better look at him. Dark blue eyes and olive skin. He was tall, he looked like he could pick me up with his powerful looking arms.
“Oh, why's that?” I asked him.
“Well, I've only just gotten the nerve to speak to you, I would have blown it if you're going already. I would have been too late to ask you if you wanted a drink.” He had to get up the nerve to talk to me? This gorgeous man who was clearly out of my league? I must have stepped into a strange universe.
I just smiled, so tempted to ask how old he was. He had to be at least ten years younger than me and I wondered if this was some kind of bet with his friends. He put out his hand as if he was just about to introduce himself when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see a very drunk Tracy who hooked her arm around my neck and shouted into my ear.
“Babes I think I'm a bit drunk. Let's go and dance while I can still stay upright.”
“I'm sorry,” I said to the handsome guy. “We're off to the dance floor.”
He stepped aside as Tracy pulled me by the hand and before I knew it we were spinning around like dancing divas, our purses hooked over our shoulders.
Very shortly afterwards, I spotted the good looking guy dancing very close to where we were. Tracy was attracting the attention of some other guy who was as equally drunk as her and was edging his way to her side. I kept one eye on the handsome stranger, whose name I never quite got. He was closer still and smiled at me. I smiled back.
When I looked at Tracy she had one arm around the drunk guy's shoulder, the other one she was waving in the air and shouting, “Woo hoo!” at the top of her voice.
