by Tiana Cole
“We should go back to Adrenalin,” Tracy said out of the blue one day.
“No way,” I told her while trying to input information on my computer. “I've never worn that dress again either, and I don't suppose I ever will. But one thing I'll never do is go to Adrenalin. I'll just keep it as one of my nights to remember. It will see me through the cold winter and help me forget I'm about to be a divorced woman.”
“So it's close?” she asked me. “The divorce.”
“Yep. Final papers will be with me this week, my solicitor said.”
“Have you seen or heard from Mark?”
“No. We arranged everything through the solicitors. It was for the best. I think he's met someone though.”
“How do you know?”
“Well we did speak on the phone a couple times. You know, about the apartment and selling it. Well Mark was saying something about starting again and implied he'd found someone to start again with.”
“How do you feel about that?” she asked.
To be honest, I'd taken it in stride. Mark was gorgeous, he'd have women flocking around him. It felt kind of strange that he would let me know he’d found someone, seeing as how it would hurt my feelings. I told myself it was easy just to pretend he was pining for me and not seeing anyone else, and I did just that.
“Well, you know?” I sighed. “It's just one of those things.”
“So, it's all change for you, Libby. First the divorce and changing apartments. You sure you didn't want to stay?”
“Not there. I know we'll lose a lot of money as the market is so crappy but this way we get a clean break from each other.” Truthfully getting out of the apartment was high on my list of things to do. I didn’t want to be there anymore with the memories, they felt like they seeped out from the walls at night and tried to smother me in my bed.
“I'm sorry.” She sounded like she might cry.
“It's okay,” I assured her. “Let's not go there. All right? Instead I'll buy you lunch.”
“Shouldn't you be house hunting?”
“Probably, but right now I'm starving,” I said.
Tracy and I went to our favorite haunt. I pigged out on two courses. I'd been feeling extra hungry lately but then I always ate more in the colder months and fall was just setting in. The only problem with having such a big lunch was that I suffered for it later. My stomach was doing somersaults and I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up.
“You look like you should just call it a day, Libby,” Tracy said when I got back to the office. “You go, I'll cover for you.”
“You sure?” I said, feeling weak and fragile.
“Yes. Just go.”
I was thankful. I needed to get home. I was light headed from over eating and probably from stressing about the divorce and having to change apartments. I didn't think the pressure was getting to me but obviously it was.
But the next morning I was no better. I was dizzy from the second my head left the pillow and I had to hurry to the bathroom, just about making it the toilet bowl. I felt awful and had to call in sick. The rest of the day I spent in my pajamas and looking through the paper at one room apartments close to the office. I could just about afford to rent something on my pay.
The next day I bought a newspaper so I could check out the rooms to let. Someone was coming to view my apartment for a second time so there was a good chance it could get sold.
As I picked up the paper, the whole feeling of nausea came over me but this time the sidewalk ahead of me seemed to be tipping to one side. Before I knew it my head was making contact with the concrete and the next thing I knew a police officer was slapping my face.
“Miss, are you all right?” she asked me. Her cheeks were bright red and I was sure she was trying to smell by breath to see if I'd been drinking. Eventually I began to focus on my surroundings and realized I was minutes from my office.
“What-what time is it?” I asked her. She looked at me like I was mad.
“It's ten after nine,” she said.
“Oh my God,” I said trying to get up. I then saw the crowd of people around me, just forming a circle and staring down at me. “I'm late.” That was all I could think of after falling over. I didn’t want to be late and my head did hurt.
“Easy,” she said, helping me to my feet. “You're head is bleeding. Let me take a closer look.”
Without thinking I touched my head and it suddenly began to hurt, but all over. There was blood on my hand when I looked at it.
“I-I don't think it's serious.” I said this but didn't know if I was telling the police officer or asking her. I wasn't sure I was okay.
“Here,” a random woman from the crowd said to me, “put this on it.” She handed me a fresh tissue and I pressed it to my head.
“If you feel at all dizzy, you should get yourself checked out,” the police woman said.
“I will, but I think I'm okay.”
I walked away slowly as the crowd all muttered under their collective breath about me. I heard someone mention booze and someone mention drugs but I was neither a junkie nor a drunk. When I walked into the office there was a look of horror on Tracy's face. She leapt from her chair.
“Libby. Sit down. Were you attacked?”
“Only by the sidewalk. I fainted. I think. But, anyway, my head hit the ground and I must have been out a minute or so.”
“Really?”
“Weird, I know.”
“You must be in a bad way. First vomiting, now passing out. You better see your doctor. If I didn't know better I'd say you were pregnant.” Tracy slapped her hand to her mouth. “Oh, I'm so sorry, Libby. That was in bad taste. I just wasn't thinking. Forgive me?”
“Of course I forgive you.” I shook my head. “I told you a million times. I can't have a baby but I'll learn to live with it. You don't need to walk on egg shells around me. And you can start by putting the picture of your gorgeous girls back on your desk. They must be lovely young ladies by now.”
“They are,” Tracy said, still looking embarrassed. “But can I get you something?”
“I'll just have some water. I'm sure I'll be fine.”
It wasn't until I was on my way home from work I remembered, that not only was I having these bouts of nausea and dizzy spells, my period was also late. Maybe that was what was making me feel weird lately. In the days of me and Mark I would have rushed to the drugstore and bought three pregnancy test kits. But I wouldn't need to do that, not now. I'd just wait for my period, it always came in the end. And then I might start feeling like myself again.
Another few weeks went by and I still didn't have a period. My nipples were sore and although the vomiting had stopped I was still a little nauseous. Tracy looked at me from across the office one day.
“You remember that night at Adrenalin?” she said.
“Don't tell me you want to hear about the sexy stranger again. I swear every time I tell that story, his cock gets bigger and my orgasm was even more amazing.” I grinned at her.
“Well you always did like to exaggerate,” she said.
I laughed but Tracy still stared at me.
“What?” I said.
“You know, Libby, every time you tell that story you never once mentioned a condom.”
“That's because we never used one.”
“Stupid, Libby. Very stupid.”
“I know but I didn't get an STD.”
“That's not all you can get from unprotected sex.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you ever think about taking a pregnancy test?”
“Of course not. You know Mark and me couldn't...”
“But is wasn't Mark and you. It was you and Mr X. Do you think that after all these years, all it could have taken was another partner for you to become pregnant?”
“Don't be ridiculous,” I scoffed.
“Humor me, Libby. I'll go out and buy a test at lunchtime.”
“No, Tracy. This is crazy. The doctors may not ha
ve found it but something was wrong with me. I can't have kids. End of story! What are you trying to do to me?” I had become tearful. Tracy had opened the floodgates on a memory of a life of pain and torture. A ruined marriage and years of hope that had come to nothing. All I'd ever wanted could never happen, all I was left with was the realization I had failed as a woman.
I kept my head down, working steadily and avoiding talking to Tracy. I knew she was sorry. It was a ridiculous thing for her to have suggested and I was angry with her. When she came back from lunch she had a bunch of flowers for me.
“Friends?” she said extending her arms out. The flowers were beautiful. How could I stay mad?
“Of course,” I said, walking around and giving her a hug. “But you didn't need to. I was fine.”
“There's one more thing,” she said. Out of her purse she pulled out a pregnancy kit.
I suddenly saw red. How could she do this? I snatched the kit from her hand. I dragged Tracy by her wrist to the bathroom and kicked open the stall door. I peed on the stick and handed it to her, without a word, as I washed my hands.
I crossed my arms and glared at Tracy. “You know this is a waste of time right?” I tapped my foot and continued to give her dirty looks.
After a while Tracy looked up at me. Her face was ashen and she had tears in her eyes.
“Here,” she said. “And congratulations – you're pregnant.”
I couldn't talk. I just looked at the blue line. It was positive but how? How could it be? Tracy read my mind. “The sexy stranger at Adrenalin,” she said.
“I need another two tests, Tracy, it can't be right.”
Tracy produced two more kits from her purse and I tested them both. Both were positive. I was faced with the most wonderful and the most frightening news of my life at the same time. I was finally pregnant but I was about to become a single mom because I had no idea where to find the father of my child. I had no name and no address for the sexy stranger.
What the hell was I going to do?
“I’m sorry Tracy.” I felt like a complete dick for being so mad at her when she was completely right. I should have known when my body was trying its hardest to tell me. I was elated and terrified.
“It’s okay, I just knew it!” She clapped her hands together, all anger and animosity between us was gone.
“What the hell am I going to do?” I asked her what I was thinking, and then I had to sit down.
Wasn’t this everything I ever wanted? Didn’t I want to become a mother more than anything, so much so I practically gave up on my marriage to achieve my goal? Inside me I was growing a child from someone I didn’t even know. My stomach was in knots and I felt sick with fear, dread, and excitement. Yes, excitement, I was going to have a baby, but my stomach was still kind of mad at me.
“Libby, you okay?” Tracy asked me as I looked at her.
Without a word I ran to a stall and practically dunked my head in the toilet. My stomach wasn’t in knots, it was in morning sickness.
“Ah, welcome to pregnancy!” Tracy said over my shoulder.
I couldn’t do anything but give her a side glare before another wave of nausea hit me. I was officially pregnant.
That night Tracy came over with beers for herself and she brought me some fizzy water. Tracy had come the minute I called her. After work the news hit me hard and I was near freaking out. How was I supposed to do this alone? Even though I had always wanted to be pregnant the picture always included Mark, well a man. Mark wasn’t here nor was the baby’s father. I was going to be left alone with a child. I flopped on the couch and hugged a pillow while waiting for Tracy.
“Hey, come on, sit up and have some water.” She urged me as she sat on the carpet.
I pushed my head further into the pillow. “How am I going to do this?” I mumbled.
“What?”
“How am I going to do this?” I mumbled a little louder.
“What? Okay Libby, you need to move.” Before I had a chance to react Tracy ripped the pillow from me. I laid my head facing her and grunted a bit.
“I said, how am I supposed to do this? I always wanted to be pregnant, but…” Tears welled up in my eyes.
On instinct, Tracy gave me a tissue and I balled it into my fingers.
“I just, always thought Mark was going to be here at this moment.” I held back tears and continued, “That we were going to have a life together, and raise our baby in a little house and-” The tears started flowing and I began to sob deeply.
Mark and I were almost done with our divorce. We were just waiting for it all to go through now. Tracy began to rub my hair and smile sympathetically at me. I was really lucky to have her next to me.
“I know sweetie. It’s not what you pictured at all.”
“I’m just so scared, I love Mark so much, and he’s gone. And it’s my fault and now I’m pregnant and I should be so ecstatic, but what am I going to do? What if I lose it Tracy? What if I miscarry and the one thing I wanted more than anything is gone?” I couldn’t control myself. The words were mixed with sadness, happiness, and the entire stress of the impending finalization of the divorce. It was pure word vomit and I couldn’t control myself even when Tracy hugged me and reassured me that I wouldn’t lose the baby.
“I know you’re scared Libby, but you shouldn’t be. You’re going to have this baby and be an awesome mom.” I could see Tracy wanted to offer me a beer in comfort but couldn’t.
“I hope so. I’m just, what if the baby comes out with like, their father’s flaws? Oh God, what if the father was a weird kid and my child turns out like that? I don’t even know what to expect. At least with Mark, I knew what kind of baby I might have. What if this kid looks nothing like me?” I began to sob harder and curl up in a ball.
“Libby, get up.” Tracy forced me to sit on the couch and dry my eyes. My lip was still trembling as she gave me a lecture. “This child is going to turn out perfect, just like you. You’re scared, stressed and hormonal and the way you’re feeling is due to that. You are going to have me, and your mom and people around to help you with the new baby.” Tracy got on the couch and hugged me tightly almost cutting off my air supply, but I welcomed it.
“Do you think I should call and tell Mark?”
Tracy wanted to answer immediately. I could see it, but she pondered that and smacked her lips a bit before taking a small sip of her beer.
“I don't think so. You guys have been through so much already. I don't think adding a baby is going to bring back…”
She stopped but I knew what she meant. That lost love spark. Mark and I were in love and committed to each other. But somewhere along the way we lost that. I admitted it, the problem was me. I was absolutely obsessed with getting pregnant. I no longer took time to care and cherish Mark and our relationship. Dates became tiresome and foreplay was in the way. We lost the magic and I don’t think we would ever get that love back. I laid my head down on Tracy’s shoulders and sighed. She was right. Telling Mark wouldn’t help.
I placed my hand on my lower stomach and smiled. “This is Aunt Tracy little one, and she’s going to help me get through this!”
We shared a laugh and she hugged me tight. Maybe I could pull this off.
I made an appointment with my OBGYN as soon as I could. She helped me with simple blood work to confirm that I was pregnant. She even helped me figure out I was two months pregnant. At the visit, I clutched my stomach and got excited to know that this was finally happening. I was finally going to be a mom and get everything I ever dreamed of.
The very first appointment was incredibly awkward. She had congratulated me and Mark. I had to carefully explain that he and I were no longer together and that it wasn’t his baby. She was one of the first few people I had the conversation with. She didn’t treat me like a criminal for not knowing the father. All she cared about was me taking the right vitamins and making sure the baby was progressing in a healthy way.
She gave me a lot of terrifying bo
oks I was scared to read that told me what would happen when I gave birth, and up until that point. There were books on how to take care of your baby, but I couldn’t read any of them. I was terrified to learn what would happen, and what I was supposed to do. I just wanted to let it happen naturally and maybe teach myself. I put them on my nightstand and told myself I would read them, but as the weeks passed more stuff was piled on top of them.
Chapter 6
By about six and a half months into my pregnancy, I was beginning to waddle and started to feel tired a lot too. The hardest thing about being pregnant was having to move apartments because Mark and I finally sold ours. It exhausted me just thinking about getting all my things and moving them all in somewhere.
“This place is beautiful,” the pretty blonde said as she walked around my apartment at a viewing. “I love the colors you've chosen, I'll keep those.”
She was perky and lively. She clung to her husband's arm like he might run away. Then it struck me how cynical I was being. I was as in love once, if not more so than the couple viewing the apartment. I knew they'd be the ones to buy it too. They loved the high ceiling, especially, the one in the bedroom because of the ornate edges that Mark had so painstakingly put up just for me. I saw it done in a magazine and just had to have it.
He did a great job. But I do remember lying on my back and looking at that ceiling whenever Mark and I were baby making. I'd make little wishes up to the ceiling and hoped that because I was lying under the decorating efforts of the man who said he'd love me forever, then it had to bring me luck.
It was all bullshit in the end. As it turned out, the ceiling I conceived this baby under was seen by hundreds of guests from around the world, and was not built with love but for endurance over the years since the hotel was built.
“So why are you selling?” the perky blond asked me. I was daydreaming and rubbing my bump. “Oh,” she said, answering for me. “I guess you and your husband need more room. With the baby coming and everything.”
