by Tiana Cole
“He had no right to react that way!” Tracy exploded and then looked at the kitchen door. It was open, she didn't want to disturb Giselle. She lowered her voice and said, “No right at all.”
“He had every right. You're the one who said I should have told him sooner.”
“I know what I said Libby. But look what he's done to you, you're a mess. He over reacted, plain and simple. Imagine telling someone you just had sex with to get out, that you don't want to see them.”
“I thought I would die when he said that, Tracy. It wasn't like I was never going to tell him that he was a father – I just wanted to pick my moment. I never thought for one second he'd work out that Giselle was his before I had the chance to tell him.”
“So what happens now?” Tracy said and let out a big sigh.
We debated my dilemma for a long time, having to refill our glasses because the analyzing of the situation warranted more time and more alcohol. Joshua had been drinking a lot at the end of our last date but I couldn't mistake how angry he was with me; turning me out of his apartment like I'd broken his heart. I was the one who was broken hearted. I had feelings for Joshua, plain and simple.
My biggest problem and the reason I hadn't told Joshua sooner that he was the father of my two year old was because I was scared. I didn't know how to tell him I was the type of person he detested; the type of girl who has sex with strangers.
But as Tracy quite rightly pointed out – it takes two. He can't apply double standards. Tracy and I kept analyzing the situation deep into the night.
Joshua was angry with me for not telling him straight away that he was Giselle's father until eventually I was angry with him for being so judgmental about girls having one night stands when he had so many himself – plus, because he'd had so many, he didn't even realize he'd slept with me! And for crying out loud, it's not like I was going to keep Giselle a secret from him forever.
“Tracy,” I said finally, after we'd been around and around the same facts and details a million times. “You should get yourself home. Your family will wonder where you are.”
“You're my friend and you needed me. They'll understand.”
“But you came straight over on a Sunday.”
“They can cope for one time in their lives without me,” she said but stretched and yawned.
The night before, when I'd gotten home from my date from hell with Joshua, I had to keep a lid on my emotions. Not only because I didn't want my two year old, Giselle, to see me cry, but also because it was Tracy's teenage daughter Layla who baby sat for me and I didn't want her witnessing me coming home from a lousy date and how it had destroyed me in case it colored her view on the whole dating scene.
But I was aware that it was past midnight and Tracy had work the next day and had to get her girls off in time for school. As much as I wanted her with me I couldn’t be selfish and keep her away from her own family to wallow in my self-pity with me.
“I can't leave until I know you're okay and you can see a way forward,” Tracy assured me.
“Well we both have work in the morning and I wish to God I still worked with you instead of having Joshua as my CEO. Our paths have to cross at some stage.”
“Aren't you forgetting something?” Tracy said.
“Like what?”
“Like, apart from him being your CEO, now he knows he's Giselle's father, what does he intend to do about it?”
I stopped blowing my nose into possibly the hundredth tissue and looked at her through my blood shot eyes.
“I didn't even think about that,” I said. “I forgot that he has a duty to her, whether he wants one or not. Not that I'll be asking him for anything.”
“Well you should be,” Tracy said. “That's only fair. But think about it, Libby – he might want visitation rights.”
Shit, I thought to myself. I had been fantasizing about what it would be like if Joshua and I got together and were Giselle's parents in a secure relationship. I hadn't quite thought marriage but the possibility could have arisen. But now I wasn't sure what Joshua thought of me and, considering our last date ended with him telling me to get out of his apartment that seemed to be pretty much it for me and him.
That being the case, would he want to take on the 'daddy' role in a hands on way as well as a financial one? The one thing I was hung up and sad about was that Joshua had the wrong impression of me. The one night stand I had with him was my one and only – ever.
“Wait, Tracy,” I said. “You don't think he'd try to take her off me. You know say I was an unfit mother because he thinks I'm some kind of slut. He has money and influence. His lawyers could make me out to be a bad mother because they'll say I was a liar.” Panic moved through me for another reason. I hadn’t even thought of that before that moment.
“Don't skip ahead to the worst possible scenario, Libby. Do you really see that young stallion, Joshua, wanting to give up his bachelorhood and be a full time daddy?”
“No but, if he thinks badly of me he might think Giselle is better off with his family.”
“He might have felt slighted by you not mentioning sooner that he was father, but in your heart of hearts, surely you don't think that Joshua is that malicious. After all, you wouldn't be falling in love with him if you did.”
“So what makes you think I'm falling in love with him?” I said not maintaining eye contact with her.
“Come, on, Libby. Remember how well I know you. You haven't dated since your divorce, you haven't been with a man since Joshua – and it's not because you haven't had plenty of offers because I know you have. But you've been biding your time until you met someone worth your time and attention and I think you found that in Joshua.”
I smiled at how Tracy knew me so well. If the truth be told, I would have stayed single all my life if I didn't meet someone who made me feel the way Joshua did. Anyone else just wouldn't be worth introducing Giselle to.
“I'm right, aren't I?” Tracy said. “You are in love him.”
I nodded and looked at the empty wine bottle. “To say I was confused would be an understatement,” I said. “I really thought Joshua liked me. And I mean liked me, liked me. Not just for sex but I thought he saw something in me.”
“I think he does Libby. You wait. He'll come to his senses. If nothing else he'll be curious to meet Giselle.”
“And what do I do if that's all he wants? To meet Giselle and have nothing to do with me?” I asked, I was aware of a sense of desperation in my voice.
“Look, you just cross that bridge if and when you come to it. But I'm sure it won't come to that, Libby. Give him a day or two to cool down and then call him and ask him if he wants to meet his daughter.” I felt my body go cold, I hadn’t thought of someone else who was responsible for the existence of my daughter having an influence in her life, and that thought terrified me.
“Wow, those are words I never thought I'd ever say.” I sighed deep and loud. “I really thought it would be me and Giselle forever and a day. It seemed a lot less complicated that way. After all the years of wanting to play happy families, there's a simplicity in being a single parent.”
“But I can assure you that a second head, a second pair of eyes, ears and arms is a real gift sometimes. I honestly don't know how you cope on your own. And that Joshua should thank his lucky stars that his daughter has you as a mom.”
“Thank you Tracy. Now get home and get some sleep.”
At the door, I gave Tracy an extra big squeeze. She had no idea what a comfort she had been.
Chapter 15
The next day it got to about eleven thirty in the morning when I noticed that Joshua had driven into the office. I was shocked. I didn't think for one second he'd want to be anywhere near me. Then I realized he couldn't be there for me, he must have an urgent meeting or something. It was dumb, he had to go on working no matter what was happening in his life.
All the same, I kept one eye on my computer screen and the other on the office door. It opened once o
r twice and I jumped out of my skin each time. I really needed to get it together.
I had visions of Joshua coming into the room and getting real mad with me again. Ridiculous really – he just wasn't that kind of guy.
I looked out of the window and aimlessly stared into the lot. His car was still there. He was up in the executive suite in some important meeting still mad with me I imagined. I also imagined him with Giselle sitting on his lap, her calling him 'Dadda' and them really hitting it off. Then all of a sudden my phone rang. Again I jumped. I noticed the other two girls look over at me like I was crazy. I almost knocked the receiver over in trying to answer the phone.
“Hello? This is Libby?”
“Hello, Libby. Jennifer Cole speaking. Mr. Fieldman's PA.”
“Oh. Hello,” I said gravely.
“Yes, Mr. Fieldman would like you to come up to his office.”
“You mean now?”
“As soon as you can get here, yes.”
“Um, will do.”
I replaced the receiver and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Why couldn't Joshua have met me for lunch to tell me whatever it is he wanted to say? My only thought was that maybe I was getting fired. It could be that having a liar work for Fieldman Finance and Investment Services was bad for company morale and I had to go. But surely that was a bit of an extreme measure, even if Joshua was still angry with me.
The only way to find out was to go straight there. Face him. When I rose from my chair I realized I must have been acting strangely because I could feel both Laura and Penny watching my every move.
“Who was that on the phone?” Laura asked. “You look like you've just seen a ghost.”
“You've been acting weird all morning,” Penny said. “You okay?”
“Who me?” I said as I opened the office door. “I-I'm fine. Absolutely fine.”
I closed the door behind me. Fine? I don't think so. Was I so fine that I walked up six floors to get to Joshua's office because, while nervously puzzling over what he and I would say to each other, I forgot to take the elevator?
I was practically gasping for breath when I got to the outer office of Joshua's executive suite. His personal assistant smiled at me as I entered. Why was she smiling? Was that pity in her eyes? Could it be that she had already drafted my letter or termination?
“Oh,” she said, pushing her glasses up her nose. “Just go straight through, Libby. Mr. Fieldman is waiting for you.”
I knocked anyway, as I opened the door, I didn't like the idea of going straight in. I was angry with Joshua too as well as feeling ashamed and not to mention hurt by how he treated me. There were so many emotions at play in the moment, I didn’t really know how to separate them.
“Libby!” Joshua came flying out of his chair towards me the second I had one foot in the room. He stopped short right in front of me and I didn't know what to expect. I really didn't expect him to take both my hands in his, which is what he did after hesitating for a split second.
“I didn't know if you'd come,” he said.
“Joshua, what are you talking about? You're the CEO. How could I not come?”
“Sorry, stupid thing to say but then again, I'm the expert at saying stupid things. I toyed with the idea of driving over to your place the next day but I knew you'd be with Giselle so didn't want to-”
“And you couldn't call?” I blasted at him. His temporary submissive manner gave me a confidence boost.
“You're right,” he said. “I kept dialing your number but I wanted us to be face to face when we next talked. I wanted you to see my big dumb stupid face and know how sorry I am for treating you the way I did. It was completely wrong of me, Libby. I was just so stunned that all of a sudden I was a dad, I didn't know how to act.”
“You drank too much, Joshua.” I looked down at his hands holding mine and pulled away. “I've been in turmoil since the day I realized who you were.” I paced around him and swung around, he turned to look at me.
“And I didn't make it easy for you, did I?” he said. “Those things I said about one night stands. I take it all back. I'm not exactly a priest. I've had a fair few.”
“I know.”
“Please, can you find it in your heart to forgive me for behaving like a complete jerk to you? You didn't deserve that, Libby. You just didn't. If I thought my actions have ruined my chances with you or letting me see Giselle...”
“You want to see her?”
“Of course I want to see her. Is that going to be a problem for you?”
As soon I was faced with the knowledge that Giselle might get to know her father I went into a panic. It would be a major turning point in her life, in both our lives and I needed to do an analysis of what effect it might have on an impressionable two year old.
“I have to think about how we do this, Joshua,” I finally said.
“Of course, I understand.”
“I just need to decide how this is going to pan out. I mean, I don't even know where we stand with each other.”
He drew close to me again. “I thought, judging by the other night, I mean before I drank all that brandy and was rude to you, that you and I were definitely getting, can I say...close?”
Those were the words I was longing to hear. I suspected that Joshua was being drawn to me the way I was him. I mean, for me it was more than just being drawn to a guy, I had fallen in love with Joshua. I just didn't think, that given I was ten years older than him that he would feel the same way too. But his lips were dangerously close to mine and I felt sure that this was more than sexual attraction. He was in to me and, if I was reading him right, it was serious. I put my hands to his strong chest.
“I'll have a think about how this will work, Joshua. Just give me some time and I'll let you know how I think we can take you seeing Giselle forward. Okay?”
“That's great, Libby. I'm just going to sit back, wait patiently while you think it through and get back to me. You're not under any pressure.”
“Good, because the last few weeks I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions and it's still spiraling.” I was glad he hadn’t said he wanted to see her right then because I didn’t know how I would handle that.
“In your own time, Libby.”
We stared at each other for a long time, the look turned into a smile and suddenly my heart was beating normally again.
“I should go,” I said.
“Okay,” Joshua said and reluctantly began to step backwards to his desk.
I was walking on a cloud for the rest of the day. I noticed Joshua drove out of the parking lot not long after our talk but that was okay. I was sure, then, that Joshua cared about me, how much, I wasn't sure yet. I couldn't help fantasizing about how amazing it would be if he felt the same as me and the three of us could have the kind of life together I'd always wished I could have. A husband, a wife and their child. Happy families. It's all I ever wanted.
By the time I got home, I was kicking myself that I hadn't told Joshua right then and there that I wanted him to see Giselle, I wanted her to know who he was and I wanted him and me to take our relationship, patchy though it was, forward. It would be perfect for her to have two parents who loved each other. That was the ideal situation though I had no doubt I’d be able to give her what she needed if it was just me.
I called Tracy the second I walked in the door. I didn't want to wait a moment longer before speaking to Joshua.
“So it went well.” Tracy said after I'd filled her in on everything.
“Better than that,” I said, “he wants to be a father to Giselle. Can't you see, Tracy, this is all my wishes coming true. Who would have thought that our wild night together could bring me closer to my dream?”
“I really hope so Libby. You deserve a happily ever after; you and him and then the three of you together.”
“I feel so happy, Tracy. I want to see him in person rather than call. I know it’s short notice and I know it's a hell of a lot to ask, being as you were only here las
t night...but could you or one of the twins come sit with Giselle for me so I can go over there.”
“Absolutely, Libby – I'll come over right now. The girls have gone to dance class and their dad can go pick them up later I’ll tell him to buy them a pizza. I'll be there within the hour.”
I got ready. I had a quick shower and couldn't resist putting on some extremely sexy underwear. I'd bought some sexy lingerie a little while ago on a whim but I'd never had the chance to wear it. Going over to see Joshua seemed like the ideal opportunity to try it on, who knew how our little talk about our future would go.
I put on the deep red silky panties and bra with black lace and looked at my figure in the mirror. For my age I wasn't bad. I'd had no complaints from Joshua the other night. In fact, he relished my body and all its curves. The thought of my first night with him and the passion of just a few nights ago turned me on. I couldn't wait to get to his place.
I arrived a little after eight at Joshua's apartment. A woman wearing lots of perfume was leaving his building through the glass doors when I arrived so I went straight in without buzzing up to Joshua. Her perfume made me cough as we passed each other and reminded me that in my rush to get over here I'd left without spraying on some of my favorite Chanel No 5. Maybe some of her scent had made its way onto my skin. But it was too late, I was riding up in the elevator.
I got to Joshua's door and knocked. I couldn't hear any movement from inside and knocked again. I knew the first thing I wanted to do when I saw him and that was to strip him down to nothing, sit him on his sofa and peel off all of my clothes, right down to the sexy underwear I was wearing.
I pictured the expression on his face and then his naked body came to mind and made me squirm. I knocked again. There was no reply. How stupid of me to just assume he'd be home. Why the hell didn't I just call first?
I turned to leave, feeling foolish that I hadn't at least called to see where he'd be. I took out my cell and went to dial his number but heard his door open behind me. Great, I thought and turned around with a big smile on my face, I was so relieved he'd finally heard the door.
