Another piece of hair color jargon that indicates less-than-desirable results is “hot roots.” The label “hot roots” sounds more like a reality TV show in which successful supermodels return to their humble hometowns, but it’s actually used to describe the phenomenon of the root part of the hair strand becoming brighter and more vibrant in color than the rest of the hair. Your head naturally emits heat, and when hair color is applied to the full strand, the section that is closest to your hot dome will sometimes absorb color more quickly that the rest of the shaft. This is why colorists usually pile all your hair atop your head and stick you under a heater after they apply color—so all of the hair is evenly heated and thus develops uniformly and you don’t get hot roots.
I asked Michael about the two types of blondes: ashy and brassy. She told me that the industry standard is to refer to these as “cool” and “warm,” respectively. “Cool” (or what I still like to call “ashy” because I’m like Sinatra and I’ll do it my way, thank you very much) is synonymous with champagne- or platinum-blonde hair. One also might hear descriptors such as “soft beige,” “soft silver,” and “lilac champagne” to describe levels of cool blonde. Michael has heard this referred to as “Upper East Side blonde,” and it’s naturally found on white people with fair skin and light-blue, gray-blue, gray-green, or blue-gray eyes, who sunburn easily and look best in silver (instead of gold). The natural hair colors that are considered cool include blue-black, dark brown, medium ash, ashy blonde, and light brown. Regardless of what color they have naturally, women who want cool blonde hair are oftentimes a bit older and from the Upper East Side of Manhattan or somewhere equally WASPy. Older blondes who regularly get cool highlights can stumble into purple quite easily because they are adding ashy tones to gray or white hair. When hair is gray, there is no pigment, so colors can end up being very bold because the hair is a pigment-less vessel of display. Check back to your handy chart in Chapter 1 for reference.
“Warm” (or what I call “brassy”) is the golden California blonde that is quite popular in Texas and Los Angeles. “Honey caramel,” “butter pecan,” and “bronze” are adjectives often used to describe a warmer blonde tone. A warm blonde occurs naturally in people with a golden or yellow undertone to their skin and green, hazel, brown, or amber eyes; whose hair is naturally red, brown, strawberry blonde, or golden brown; who can tan easily; and who look better in gold than silver.
We’ve talked plenty about going blonde, and any colorist will tell you that it’s always safer to go lighter. Highlights are an easy, low-commitment, and flattering way to play with hair color. The request that gives pause to most colorists is when a blonde client comes into the salon and asks to be made a brunette. “That’s when you get into the emotional needs of the client,” Michael explained. Every colorist with a few years of experience has witnessed a client have a blonde-to-brunette freak-out. As I did back in 2000 when I followed the lead of Cameron Diaz (circa January 2000 when she went bold brown for a minute) and became an almost black-haired lady (more on this dark period in my life can be found in Chapter 10). I forced my mother’s beloved colorist to make me a dark, severe brunette, and I regretted it within forty-eight hours.38 Make no mistake: Blonde to brunette is a major adjustment. Every fall and winter when I would mention lowlights and toy with the idea of going light brunette for a bit, my old colorist Reinaldo would just nod, smile, and mix more caramel-hued dye for my highlights. He knew that I’d ultimately hate darker hair, and he was right.
Michael went on: “When a client comes in asking to go darker, you spend a while talking them out of it. You walk them through every step: what you’ll do to take them to brunette, then what you’ll have to do to correct it or undo it. The time, the process, the potential for doing a color removal (which just completely strips the hair of applied color)—it’s a lot to take on. And even if they push-push-push and insist that they want to go brunette for a change, most of them freak out and want it undone within a few weeks.”
There are plenty of hair color phenomena that are more quotidian than hot roots, chemical cuts, and dramatic color changes. You’re probably familiar with a partial foil, which is when highlights are applied using tin foil to isolate the pieces. This is done over half of the head—usually just the crown to the ears. A full foil is the same thing across the entire head. Other options when it comes to foils are T-section (when foils are applied in a T formation on the head—the top and sides receive foil packets) and Starburst (which isn’t an overrated, waxy candy but rather when five to seven packets of foils are applied on the top of the head). Highlights are streaks used to subtly lighten you color, and in contrast, lowlights are streaks that darken your color. The same method of application is used for highlights and lowlights, though—small sections of hair are painted, then wrapped in foil to isolate. A solid or uniform color is one that doesn’t have highlights or lowlights—it’s very monotone in hue. This is what lots of Special Blondes are: Their hair is entirely one uniform shade, and there aren’t other colors woven in for depth.
Michael’s training and expertise has given us a strong base for what to expect in the salon with hair color. But what about at-home tricks and tips? This is where my lifelong hair obsession finally comes in handy. Throughout my childhood and teenager years, I engaged in a lot of trial by fire with hair color, assorted hair products, and hairstyles. Finally I can feel like the ugliness of those years (and years) of perms was not in vain. I can share my lessons with you, dear reader.
Personally, I have fine hair, as do many natural blondes. Just look at the three daughters in The Brady Bunch—all had very fine, occasionally limp hair. How do you care for hair like that, living in this crazy world of shampoo and conditioner? I’ll tell you the key for fine-haired ladies: Don’t overcondition. Conditioner is alluring and silky, and it calls to us, just like it does to Adam Sandler in 1995’s Billy Madison. “Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth.” Conditioner can be great (especially during dry winter months), but it should be used sparingly and only on the ends of the hair—away from the roots. I recommend shampooing your hair like a normal person (using a color-protecting shampoo or a purple shampoo, as necessary), then putting conditioner just on the ends (not the roots) and letting it sit there while you shave your legs or belt out a few power ballads in the shower. Then rinse. As you are brushing through your damp hair post-shower, if you are having trouble getting the brush through, feel free to spray some leave-in conditioner onto the middle and ends of the hair (again, away from the roots). If the opposite occurs and your hair feels overconditioned and floppy (like the hair of Janice the hippie chick in the Muppet band), simply brush through it and compensate for that silkiness with extra quantities of products that will give you back some body: gel, mousse, or hair spray.
Many people flinch at this laundry list of hair products. The words “hair spray” make them picture a cheesy girl with giant “mall bangs,” a New Kids on the Block T-shirt, and pegged jeans circa 1990. But hair spray can be quite useful, and it should not have a horrible connotation. In fact, contrary to popular belief, putting product in your hair is a good thing because it coats the shaft and protects your hair from hot styling implements such as curlers and irons. With a few exceptions, hair products such as gel and mousse shouldn’t be applied to dry hair or you’ll end up with sticky, gunk-filled locks. You can do a lot of useful hair product application during that precious and precarious witching hour when the hair is still damp, before you use the blow-dryer. Applying gel or mousse during this window of opportunity, while hair is still damp, will give you the body that you crave but permit movement and bounce.
I just got lost in a mystical window—where were we? Oh yes, fresh out of the shower with a wet head of tangles. Perfect. After you brush through your hair, you may wish to spray it with a bit of water or wet your hands and run them through your hair if your hair air-dries insanely quickly, as mine does. I know that it seems counterintuitive to towel-dry, then re-we
t your hair, but just trust me: I’m a genius with dope hair. Once the hair is untangled and damp, you should put some gel on the palm of your hand (a quarter-size drop at minimum) and run it through your hair to coat the shaft and add body and thickness. If you have accidentally overconditioned your hair, use more gel than normal. You also can use mousse, if you prefer that. Then you might wish to use a root boost spray or a spray gel on the roots. This ensures that the weight given to the rest of the hair (from the gel that you just applied) won’t weigh down the roots—they will be boosted up, too. Like a Wonderbra for your dope hair. As far as specific products or labels, I’m no snob. I generally use any L.A. Looks gel—they come in an assortment of colors (fear not—the funky color of the gel doesn’t show up on the actual hair) and all are good. Also, Garnier Fructis has some fantastic products, and Herbal Essences has some wonderful shampoos, conditioners, and products—their Body Envy mousse is a personal fave.
If you are a bronzer addict like me, at this point you might want to clip up your hair off your face and back (I recommend a small hair clip with plastic or rubber texturing on the inside edges of the clip as it gently grips wet, slippery hair) so that now you can apply lotion to your body, and a nice bronzer cream/lotion mix to your face. It’s quite a ritual. Once that bronzer cream/lotion mixture has had a bit of time to sink in, feel free to take your damp hair down to let it air-dry a bit. But not too much. Don’t go calling a friend during that window of time because it’s a very limited phase and you can’t be yammering. The hair is drying, but you cannot let it dry completely or all your hair work will be for naught.
Once your damp hair has dried a bit, it’s time to blow-dry. My best friend, Suzanne, somehow managed to get a wicked case of carpal tunnel syndrome from blow-drying her hair. No joke. She saw her doctor to get to the bottom of it, and he was able to identify the offending behavior that was causing her wrist problems. He had some wise words that we all should heed: When you’re blow-drying your hair and you have the dryer in one hand and a brush in the other, keep them moving around the head. Don’t get stuck in one spot doing the same motion continuously. In this way, blow-drying isn’t unlike childhood bike riding: safety first. Everyone has his or her own way to blow-dry—some people separate the hair into sections to isolate the sections that they are working on, other people only blow-dry with their heads upside-down, others start with their bangs and move back, and still others start at the back and work their way forward. All are correct. Much like the Hard Rock mantra of “Love all, serve all,” when it comes to blow-drying your hair, “Love all, dry all (strands of sweet hair).” I personally start at the back and bottom and get that settled, then work my way up and forward. The toughest section is the hair that frames the face. Cowlicks can muck things up, and it’s often hard to get the hair to point where you want it to point and hang how you want it to hang, right off the ol’ dome piece. When I’m blow-drying, I simply focus on getting the hair dry and straight, and I leave the specific styling and pointing of hair to later.
“Later” comes quickly when you have fine hair, so now it’s styling time. At this point, when the hair is completely dry, gel and mousse are verboten but a touch of hair spray and styling wax is permitted. Part your hair how you wish to part it (I love a good diagonal side part—a flattering look on most and a nice way to balance things), then lock in the style by giving it a quick spritz with hair spray from an aerosol can. I know, I know, environmentalist blondes reading this book are thinking, She’s a terrible person, and aerosol cans are the devil. Aerosol cans cause rips in the ozone layer, and this jerk is slowly killing our planet because she needs to lock in style. Don’t blame me! Blame the scientists who have yet to create a hair spray application device that is as good as aerosol but without the environmental repercussions! You just can’t beat the light spray that an aerosol can emits.
Earlier I mentioned styling wax. It’s not just for the boys and the lesbians anymore! Styling wax should be used in moderation because a little goes a long-assed way. Don’t make the same mistake that I did when I first dabbled in styling wax and apply it to wet hair post-shower. Again, that damp time is for mousse, gel, and root boost spray, but not for hair spray or styling wax. If you apply styling wax when the hair is damp, your hair will dry and look filthy all over again. Styling wax’s purpose is to control hair and rein in flyaways at the final step of styling. I use a dab of styling wax if I’m parting my hair for an updo or pigtails and if I have flyaways that I need to smooth down. Be warned, though: Styling wax can be quite thick and heavy, and you should only use a pinch between your fingers and apply it to a specific spot. If you have flyaways all over and need to smooth things out (perhaps you didn’t use enough conditioner and/or it’s wintertime), don’t use styling wax in this situation. It’s too heavy for all-head application. In this circumstance, I used to use a product called Secret Weapon, but it was discontinued a few years back. That was what I call my own personal D-Day (discontinuation day), and it was a dark day for both me and Suzanne, who was hooked on Secret Weapon, too. You can replicate the effect of Secret Weapon with any old hand or body lotion. I learned this trick from some black friends who swear by it to smooth their flyaways.39 Simply squeeze a bit of lotion onto your hands and rub them together; then, once the lotion has dissolved a bit but while it’s still somewhat tacky, gingerly run your hands either over your hair (if it’s parted) or through it (if you’re foregoing a part and shooting for a loose style that you will toss around).
But that’s just my system—yours might be quite different. I have a blonde friend who possesses super-thick hair and needs to slather on conditioner before spending twenty minutes with a high-intensity hair dryer. I have another pal who conditions and combs her hair in the shower, then must carefully let it air-dry and cannot run a comb or brush through it once it has dried. You’ll want to conduct your own experiments to find what works for your hair, and explore different hair products using trial by fire.
For quick reference, let’s recap the hair jargon we just learned:
Underlying pigment: the color of virgin, or never-colored, hair
Porosity of hair: how well hair will absorb and hold color
Developer: the liquid used to open up a cuticle of hair and activate color
1-to-10 continuum: the way that colorists chart natural hair colors, with 1 being the darkest and 10 being the lightest
Special Blondes/Special 12s: platinum blondes, a color that doesn’t occur in nature
11: the level that Spinal Tap’s amplifiers crank up to, oddly not a position on the hair color continuum
Single process: a uniform color that is spread across all hair (mostly used for dark hair, red hair, and gray coverage)
Double process: when a single process must be administered twice in order to remove old color and achieve new color (mostly used for platinum blondes)
Chemical cut: severe hair breakage caused by overprocessing
Hot roots: when the roots are brighter and more vibrant than the rest of the shaft
Cool (ashy): blonde that is platinum or silvery—also called Upper East Side blonde
Warm (brassy): blonde that is yellow or golden—also called California blonde
Color removal: a process that can be done at home or in the salon, when a hair color is stripped from your hair—used only in hair color emergencies
Highlights/lowlights: painted pieces of hair that are either lighter than the rest of the hair (highlights) or darker than rest of hair (lowlights) and add dimension
Full foil: when highlights are painted on and sealed with foil packets across the entire head
Partial foil: when highlights are painted on and sealed with foil packets, but only from crown to ears
T-section foil: when highlights are painted on and sealed with foil packets, but only on the top and sides of head
Starburst foil: when highlights are painted on and sealed with five to seven foil packets on the top of the head
Purple
shampoo: used to counteract brassiness in hair that has been colored blonde
Good products: gel, mousse, hair spray, root boost spray, L.A. Looks gel, Garnier Fructis, Herbal Essences’ Body Envy line, hair clips, styling wax
That’s a comprehensive overview of in-salon color, at-home color, and at-home styling. Phew. I hope that you have learned something new courtesy of the trained professional, Michael, and the hair-obsessed writer, me. I shall close this chapter with one word of advice: When it comes to styling, no tendrils. Dear Lord, no tendrils—ever. Please. If you’re thinking, What is she talking about? What are tendrils?, then I assume that you never attended a wedding or prom in the 1980s or 1990s, and you should consider yourself lucky. For the blissfully unaware, tendrils are pieces of hair (usually framing the face) that are deliberately left out of an updo to make the look appear less severe. They are often curled (by cheesy people) in a very small barrel curling iron so that those few strands ostensibly frame the face. Unfortunately, these tendrils fail in their mission to frame the face and instead make the wearer look like a grape arbor, with errant crap dangling down like vines or bougainvillea. It’s not a hot look on anyone, but especially not on blondes—I expect more from you.
CHAPTER 8
RULE: Don’t Try This at Home: A Cautionary Tale
Dolly Parton’s character in Steel Magnolias put it best: “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” Certain types of ablutions and personal care cannot and should not be self-administered at home. These include back massages (you can’t give yourself a back massage, no matter how much you brag about your flexibility thanks to yoga), plastic surgery (not even if you find yourself in an Aron Ralston–127 Hours situation), and most hair color changes. All thoughts of at-home hair color change should be accompanied by a helpful public service announcement: Don’t try this at home. The only hair coloring that can be successfully self-administered at home is a single process (which I discussed in Chapter 7) used for darker hair (gray coverage), redheads, or completely uniform color. Otherwise, heed the advice of the guys in Jackass, and don’t try this at home.
The New Rules for Blondes Page 7
