“You know what? Pull the car over. Now.” I said to him.
I knew he had been drinking and taking drugs. I could tell the difference in our lovemaking when he was high versus when he wasn’t, but I had turned a blind eye to it. All because I didn’t want to lose what we had precariously built.
I had acted indifferent, and that was not cool. I didn’t want this to become an abusive relationship. I didn’t want to get stuck because of my low self-esteem in the past. I didn’t want my heart damaged beyond repair. There was only one way out.
“What? I won’t put you out on the busy highway. Where the hell are you gonna go, Kira?” Blade acted outraged and amazed at my request.
“You make me sick! I had a life before you and I will have one again,” I argued. “Pull the damn car over, Blade Benefield,” I snapped at him.
I had a feeling he knew what was coming but played it cool.
He finally rolled the car over to the emergency layby, and I made for the door. This was the last opportunity I had to leave, and I was never going to look back or regret anything.
‘What is it, Kira?’ He slammed the gear in Park and rushed to my side of the car.
“I don’t think we are good together. I don’t think our relationship can work either. Besides, I’m tired of being your secret. This kind of relationship won’t take us anywhere, so it’s best I save us both the misery and end it here and now,” I replied.
He swallowed and rushed to touch my face, but I quickly moved away.
“Please don’t say that I…I can’t be without you.” His voice was husky with emotion.
“Really, Blade? I knew you would say that. You’re such a terrible liar and a deceitful person. I feel bad for you,” I lashed out at him.
“Please… Don’t do this to us, Kira. I love you more than anything. Don’t leave me,” he begged. “You’re the light in my world. When you stepped in, everything changed for the better. I really care about you.” He dropped to his knees right there with the busy traffic rushing down the highway.
It pained me to see the love of my life in this state, but I had to stay sane and survive before he dragged me down this dangerous path with him.
“I can’t, I am sorry.” I sniffled and brushed my tears away with the back of my hand. I really wanted to be with him, but he was just too broken to be with anybody. He had to fix himself to be able to maintain a healthy relationship on his own.
Blade was still the same old egomaniac. He didn’t tell me the truth, he only cared for himself and his incessant partying, which he refused to stop.
“I told you to drop the drinking and the drugs. I can’t be with you and still be with that… You had a choice, Blade, you know what is important. You know what is of greater value and you made your choice.” I shrugged. Though I felt hurt, I knew deep down I was saving myself from future disaster.
I was doing the right thing, walking away from this toxic relationship.
“I…am sorry, Kira. I promise to be more truthful, I promise to change, to abide by your rules…”
“Hey, you’re going to work on yourself. You need to fix yourself or else you’ll always end up like the drugged-out, addicted rock stars of old. You’re never going to make anything good last if you keep heading down this path.” I sighed with relief, knowing I had let him go. I had forgiven him for wasting my time and my emotions.
Being with a man like Blade had taught me a lot of lessons.
“Goodbye, Blade.” I sprinted off into a run as fast as I could without looking back. I soon saw a cab and waved it down. When it stopped, I jumped in, and I cried all the way home.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
KIRA
A week later after I had broken up with Blade, he’d still not given up or come to the realization that we would never be together. He’d made several attempts to get me back, but I’d refused.
Blade regularly called, sent me flowers, begging me to give him another chance.
I knew he was never going to change. He always texted the words: I’m sorry. He left voluminous voicemails saying he was sorry. Those were the same words he had spoken to me the first time we’d had a fight. I couldn’t be deceived a second time. One’s actions proved love more profoundly than words and thoughts alone. Love was expressive, it was something that showed from one’s efforts. I conjectured Blade had yet to understand that part about life.
I was deeply hurt. I stared at the many gifts he’d bought for me. I started to think I was stupid that I had let myself get caught up like that. I knew I was just another random girl, another conquest, and a trophy for him to add to his line-up.
My eyes burned, and a river of tears trickled down. I guessed I was a liar by omission, too, because I’d never found the nerve to tell Blade about my job, about what I did for a living and how I survived. He never cared to meet my friends, and he had always been content with that being the path of our life.
“Sadly, I was stupid.” I was so blinded by lust. I was carried away by his celebrity status that I’d failed to see who Blade was.
This was a startling and unsettling realization. I felt so lonely and unhappy, but the blame lies at my feet. How was I going to sleep knowing I had messed up myself? Knowing he was out there partying with other beautiful women—women who were more beautiful than me, who weren’t uptight about his lifestyle choices. Did that make me boring? Maybe Blade’s heart was so cold, he was not capable of genuinely loving because love was a commitment that was laced with truth and honesty, and Blade could not stay truthful.
I gathered all the gifts in one bag and kept them in the corner of my bedroom. I would decide what to do with them once morning came.
I just needed to talk to someone, and the first person to enter my mind was Edel.
I snatched up my cell phone and punched in her number.
She was not picking up, and I was about to give up on her answering when she finally took the call on the third ring.
“Kira, how are you? I’m sorry I forgot to email the article you were meant to edit. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight.”
‘I am sorry, Edel, this is not about work. I-I wanted,” I stuttered.
“Oh my, are you all right, Kira?” Edel’s voice was gentle with concern.
“No. No, I’m not all right. It’s… I don’t mean to be a bother, but are you busy?”
“No, hun, I’m never too busy for a friend. What is it?”
“I wonder, can we get together and talk?” I really needed to be around someone before I stressed myself into ill health.
“Hun, do you want me to come over?”
“Yes, please. Would you?”
“Consider it done. I’ll be right there. We could watch some Hulu or Netflix or something.”
“Sure, because I ordered then downloaded the movie Black Panther on demand. We can watch that if you want to, Edel.”
I knew she was a movie freak. I loved movies, too, but I devoted my time to writing.
“Yeah, that sounds great,” she replied. “Give me twenty minutes. See you later, my friend.”
I exhaled slowly, slightly relieved after talking to someone. I actually smiled! Edel was not just a colleague but a friend, too, and I felt excited we were going to have a girls’ night filled with movies.
I grabbed my cell phone and surfed the web briefly while waiting for Edel.
True to her promise, she arrived twenty minutes later with a bag of popcorn and a carton of Chunky Monkey ice cream. Blade and the Trash Monkeys come to mind while stuffing my face.
“Girl, are you for real?” I laughed.
“Yes, we are going to have a night of Netflix, popcorn, and lots of junk. I have a lot of movies that you need to see, too.” She grinned.
“You may come in.” I widened the door.
She walked in and briefly dropped a peck by the side of my cheek and gave me a long hug.
“What was that for?” I teased her.
“For inviting me to your house after six month
s.” She laughed.
I took the carton of ice cream and filled two bowls to the rim. I served us both while we dwelt on some office gossip.
When we were done, we positioned ourselves on my couch and feasted on the movies that I’d bought and the ones Edel had downloaded.
I thought watching a good movie with an excellent storyline would make me forget about Blade and the way he’d hurt me. He had ripped my heart apart. I couldn’t concentrate throughout the time the current movie played. I kept seeing images of Blade drinking and partying wildly.
“I’ve had a rough time the last few weeks. I feel horrible. Like I’ve lost myself and I’m a total stranger. Have you ever felt that way?” I turned to Edel who immediately paused the movie.
From the way she looked at me, I guessed she knew I was struggling with something, but she didn’t want to press.
“Hey…” She rubbed my shoulder. “Of course I’ve felt that way before. I felt like a failure more than once in life. I think most people have at one time or another so don’t beat yourself up. I made a terrible mistake that almost ruined my life but I was still able to fix it,” she replied.
“How were you able to move on and fix your mistake?” I asked.
“See, Kira, the thing about life is that we will always make mistakes. We will always make a bad decision at some point. Now, that is not a bad thing. What’s bad is not learning a lesson from your mistakes. So, when I finally realized that I was human, and I had flaws, I learned to love my imperfect self regardless. Now I live free and happy, and when I make a mistake, I forgive myself and move on. Every experience is a lesson learned.”
I felt encouraged by her words of wisdom.
But what sort of lesson had I learned from being with Blade Benefield? Blade was like a contagious fever that rocked my world to the core.
Sometimes I was okay with my decision to walk away. Other times I was torn and wanted to go to him and fall in his arms. But I know the aftermath of such a decision would be followed with self-recriminations regarding my weakness. Why was I so torn? Why did Blade burn in my memory and heart the way he did? I knew I must forgive, heal, and most importantly, remember that I had to get Penny my articles.
Edel punched my side with her elbow. “You will be all right, Kira. Never regret love.”
The last line made me want to cry. Edel was right. I was right in knowing I needed to forgive myself, heal, and move the hell on.
“Thank you…” I hugged her.
“Now can we go back to watching the movie?”
“Sure, sure.” I fetched some popcorn and threw it into my mouth and tried to push Blade from my heart and thoughts forever.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
KIRA
Three weeks had passed since my breakup with Blade. He still didn’t give up on me, but I ignored him and his angry texts which I was quite sure he sent whenever he was drunk because of the misspelled words. I was over him, and everything related to him, that was why I was heading to my boss’s office this morning.
After I dressed up, I opened the document that I had written about Blade Benefield, the one that would give me my big break and propel Daybreak Journal back into the limelight. It was so real because I had backed everything up with evidence, from his fast-and-furious lifestyle, the considerable liquor bar to the pills I’d found in his bathroom and the envelope I had recovered from his car the last day we were together.
I took a gulp of air into my lungs and told myself I was doing the right thing by submitting this story. What we’d had was not real, so there was no need to attach my emotions to work-related stuff. I decided to be very professional.
You can do this, I said to myself.
I clicked on the document to have a final read-through before submitting it to Penny. I had written the article chronicling the time I’d spent with Blade, but I used my journalistic privilege to leave out my own participation of a sexual sort, and I signed it in my pen name: Danielle Lewis.
“The Secret Life of Blade Benefield: The Downfall of the Trash Monkeys,” I murmured.
THE SECRET LIFE OF BLADE BENEFIELD: THE DOWNFALL OF THE
TRASH MONKEYS
BY DANIELLE LEWIS
Only those who live inside a castle know the secret of the king. There is a favorite saying that all that glitters is not gold. I totally agree with that. Every man has a weakness, every man has an Achilles’ heel. Everyone owns a secret, but some secrets are dirtier than others.
I took an interest in Rainbow City’s own, the Trash Monkeys, after listening to their hit track, Illicit, which brought them to the limelight. I was awed by their release, their strong bond and connectivity, and how much they had each other’s back.
The leader of the rock band caught my interest after I attended one of the concerts in New York City, and I decided to go an extra mile in getting to know him better.
First, Blade Benefield is not as perfect as a lot of women make him out to be. He is a broken man who needs a high level of fixing and rehab. His inspiration comes from drugs and alcohol, and I feel this should be handled before he loses himself or destroys his career.
If the leader of the band is an addict, what would happen to the rest of the band members?
I dropped the file on my bed and clutched my head in my hands. Am I ready to do this? Once I walked into Penny’s office, there was no going back.
I raised my phone and stared at the text messages from Blade for the last time. I would delete them soon but not right now.
Lately, Blade sounded angry and desperate in his voicemail messages; he made me feel like I was one of his addictions.
“What the…?” My eyes grew wide as I spotted a text message from a strange number.
Hey, Kira. Blade has told me all about you two, and I really feel horrible for what happened. You are the first person to have affected him this way. You made him really happy and fulfilled. I don’t know what happened between you two and I am not willing to take sides. I hope you know that he truly loves you. I wish you two could work things out because Blade hasn’t been the same. Good luck in all your endeavors. Starburst from the TRASH MONKEYS.
A tear dropped from my eyes as I read the message over and over again.
“I’m sorry.” I grabbed the article and my car keys. I was going straight to Penny’s office. There was no peace to be had with my decision.
***
I arrived at the office thirty minutes later, thanks to traffic. I walked past Edel and Tom without casting a second glance at them.
“Is Penny in?” I asked her secretary when I exited the elevator.
“Yes.” She nodded.
I drew one last breath before walking into my boss’s office.
“Who do we have here?” Penny, who’d been working on some files, took off her horn-rimmed glasses and stared at me.
“I am sorry, Penny,” I muttered.
“What?” She raised her brows.
“I…” My mouth felt dry; words fled me.
“Come on, Kira, I’ve got a lot to do.” She pointed at the pile of files on her desk.
“I am sorry I don’t have a big story. The one I was working on was a bust and hit a dead end. I just couldn’t take it anywhere.”
At the last moment, I didn’t have the courage to submit the article. I didn’t want to be the reason for Blade’s untimely downfall. I knew a part of me still had strong love for him, but this decision I had made was to forget him, to let everything related to him get swept under the rug.
“I gave you enough time, Kira; two full months is enough time to get a hit story.”
“I tried, Penny…I really did try.” I was not in the mood to explain myself but I had to put on my game face.
“Well I am sorry, too…” She slid her glasses up on her pointy nose and resumed her work.
“I…I don’t understand. Am I fired?” I felt scared as I recalled the dream.
“No, not today, but you are just going to leave your office, and I will assign yo
u to desk duty for the next month. You will now be sharing the floor with the other newbie's.” She smirked and pointed at the door.
That was my cue to get out of her office.
I was supposed to feel bad that I had been demoted but I didn’t. I felt overwhelmed with peace…I was in a better place.
“I like your brows.” Edel smiled at me as I walked past her desk.
“Thank you.” I smiled at her. “I had them plucked yesterday,” I added.
My phone buzzed soon after. It was another text message.
I am across the street from your building. Come out now. Please let me see your lovely face. If you refuse to come out, I’ll come in and announce to the whole world that I am in love with you. Blade.
“Are you okay?” Edel had been watching my face.
I nodded my head up and down because I found it difficult to speak. What was I going to do now? How did he even know where to find me?
CHAPTER TWENTY
KIRA
My heart was beating fast, and blood pumped in my ears as I stared at the phone a second time. I didn’t remember sharing personal details about my workplace to Blade. How on earth did he find me?
“Um, I’ll be back soon, give me five minutes,” I whispered to Edel, then scurried towards the exit door. What the hell was Blade high on? How could he just show up at my workplace like that? I didn’t like the stress he was putting me through. I was yet to adjust to the new position Penny had given me, and now this?
“What a day!” I threw my hands in the air and blew out a breath of frustration. I found him just across the other side of the road opposite the Daybreak Journal building standing right next to his car like he’d said.
From the way he was dressed, no one would suspect he was Blade of the Trash Monkeys. He had cut his hair, his face was clean shaven, and he wore ordinary clothes—no designers or anything, just a simple pair of denims paired with a blue tee-shirt.
His eyes were covered with dark black shades. He leaned against his car and crossed his arms over his chest.
My fury fled as I stared at him. All the feelings I had bottled up within threatened to come to the surface. He was even more handsome now than the last time we’d met. He looked different, he looked transformed.
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