by Mia Carson
I drove home and fell into bed, annoyed by the party. I hated the restlessness, desperate to know what might be happening between Alyssa and that guy. I wouldn’t ask, and there was no point in even knowing because it made no difference. I just needed to get Alyssa out of my head. I rolled over, forced my eyes shut, and prepared for another crappy night of sleep.
Over the next two days, I saw very little of Alyssa. She was out a lot or holed up in her room, reading. I was bored out of my mind, filling my time with going to the gym and playing video games in my room. I was on the twelfth level of the game and had been playing for a few hours when there was a knock on my door. “Come in,” I called out without looking away from the television screen in front of me.
The door opened, and I flicked a quick glance at my mom as she entered the room. “Blake, honey, can we talk for a moment?”
I paused the game with an annoyed sigh and turned to look at my mother. “Sure, Mom. What’s up?”
“I want to talk to you about school, honey. You need to figure out what you’re going to do,” Mom told me, looking even more concerned that usual.
“I don't know, Mom. I really don't know what I want to do.” I smiled to soften the annoyance in my tone. I was mad at myself more than at her. The constant disappointment and anxiety I felt when I thought of school bubbled to the surface after I had deliberately neglected the thoughts all summer. I felt guilty for dismissing the subject of my future, but it was terrifying to think about.
“I still think you should go to the school that offered you a position on their football team—the one Alyssa goes to. It’s close, and you would get to be on the team.” I saw the hope in her eyes as she handed me the envelope I had opened at the beginning of the summer and never touched again.
I was unsure about how Alyssa would feel about me going there. The thought of getting to see her every day made me smile, and as much as I wanted—or was it needed?—to keep the distance and contact between us to a minimum, my pulse raced and my stomach dropped at the thought of seeing her regularly. Between Alyssa and football, the choice was just too tempting, especially considering that my mother wouldn’t let me get away with saying no.
I smiled and said, “Sure. I'll look into going there. It sounds like a good idea.”
She returned my smile, obviously pleased, and I tried to feel more optimistic about my future, having finally made a small commitment to something. I had always struggled with schoolwork despite my athletic abilities. College was a whole new world, and I was secretly terrified I wouldn’t be able to make it off the field.
The next couple days went by quickly as I got my paperwork together for school and worked out in prep for football. Before I knew, it was the day before classes began.
Mom was so excited about me going to college that she offered to drive Alyssa and me to the school. I was nervous and excited at the same time. My stomach twisted in small waves of nausea, and I sat rigidly in my seat, fighting to maintain a cold, careless attitude. Alyssa was quiet as we drove, giving off a cold vibe as well. I wondered if she was angry at me for choosing the same college as her. I looked at her from the passenger seat, studying her in the rearview mirror. She flashed me an icy stare before looking away, demonstrating her obvious anger.
I got out of the car, saying a quick goodbye to my mom. “Love you,” I called out to her before walking off. Alyssa scowled at me, clearly not pleased by the fact that I was attending the same school. “What’s the matter, blue eyes?” I asked, flashing her a charming smile.
Her jaw clenched in irritation. “Did you really have to follow me here?”
“Look, kid, it’s nothing personal. I got a football scholarship, and a decent one at that.” I fell into step beside her and looked around the large campus. My words were prideful, and telling Alyssa something positive about my future felt good, especially considering how much she valued school.
“Whatever,” she mumbled, clearly unimpressed. She clutched her notebooks tightly to her chest. She’s nervous, I realized, smiling to myself. The great and mighty Alyssa was nervous for her first day of school. How cute.
Making my voice kinder, I said, “Good luck, kid.” I patted her on the back before we parted ways.
The first day was rough. Classes were long, and football practice was intense. I was relieved when it was finally over and I joined Alyssa, who waited on the front steps of a building. I was still damp from the shower, and my wet hair dripped in my face. My muscles were sore and tired, not used to the rigorous practice. I watched Alyssa as she flipped through her notebook, looking at different papers and mumbling to herself.
“Hey, dork,” I greeted her with a lopsided grin.
Alyssa rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face. I sat next to her, and as we waited for our ride, she looked at me and said, “I’m going to drive to campus tomorrow in my car. Do you want to ride with me?”
I raised my eyebrows, surprised at the offer. “Sure,” I said with a shrug, “Sure as hell beats driving.”
Mom pulled up, and we hopped in the back. She asked us how school was and other things on the ride back, but I mostly focused on Alyssa—the way she scrunched her face at her papers, the kind smiles she offered my mom, the tinkling sounds her voice made when she laughed. She was completely intoxicating, and the harder I tried to pull away, the more I wanted to get closer.
Alyssa
School had started three weeks ago, and I was adjusting well to my classes. They were difficult, but I welcomed the challenge, pleased whenever I got an A on a paper or aced a test. Maggie and I had both been crazy busy with schoolwork, so we were going out for lunch, relieved to catch a break.
After ordering our food, I took a big gulp of my iced tea and asked, “So how close are you to being done with that ten-page paper for bio?”
Maggie huffed. “I haven’t even started it.”
“Maggie!” I spoiled the protest with a giggle.
She shrugged. “It’s not my fault. I have so much other work to do. Let me guess, you’re almost done?”
I smiled and said, “Kind of. I still have to edit it and stuff.”
Maggie laughed and stared at me knowingly. I had always been the more dedicated student. Maggie would rather cram everything in the day before and get a B than work like I did. I went a little overboard at times, but my education was important to me.
Maggie interrupted my thoughts. “So how is everything with Blake?”
“It’s fine, I guess. I mean, he gets on my nerves, but whatever.” I did my best to sound dismissive because I didn’t want to talk about Blake, even though he was rapidly becoming all I thought about.
Maggie often gushed about how hot he was, but I always pretended indifference, which was not true at all. Every time I spoke of Blake, an onslaught of conflicting feelings hit me. I held a lot of resentment towards Blake from high school. He had been a part of a group that often bullied not only me but a lot of other students. Blake had always been egotistical and walked around with an air of superiority. Now, these old emotions were mixed with a stronger attraction and a newfound liking for his indulgent humor.
***
After lunch, Maggie and I drove back to campus and headed to class. I heard my name called and turned to see Blake walking towards us. Maggie walked away, calling over her shoulder, “Catch you later.”
“What?” I asked as he approached me looking incredibly handsome in his green shirt that perfectly matched his eyes.
“I have a late practice tonight, and my mom can’t get me. Will you stay late and take me home?” Blake asked.
I bit my lip, indecisive. I needed to get home and do homework, but I didn’t want to leave him in a lurch. “Okay,” I finally agreed because it wasn’t important where I studied. I could do the homework while I waited.
“Awesome. Thanks, kid, I appreciate it.” He grinned brightly at me.
I scrunched my nose and said, “Don’t call me that.”
&nbs
p; He winked at me, and my heart skipped a beat. “See ya later, kid,” he called as he jogged off.
I shook my head at his behavior, a small smile on my face, and headed to class, sighing as I thought about what a long day it would be. I managed to get through my last two classes and walked to the practice field. I sat on a set of bleachers and pulled out my laptop to work on a paper.
The practice lasted a little over two hours, and the sun set just as the players left the field. I had finished some work but ended up watching Blake more than I worked. I had to admit, he had some justification for his cocky behavior because he was extremely talented. I had never been interested in sports, but I could barely tear my eyes away from his lean body practically gliding past on the field. He was fast and strong in his movements, dodging tackles with graceful agility. I had never seen Blake so focused on anything before. He was so in the moment, playing with a fierce intent and glowing passion. When practice finally ended, my muscles were tightly wound. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before I gathered my stuff and climbed down the bleachers, waiting for Blake to grab his gear. We walked to the car in silence, and I tossed my bag in the backseat when we got to the car, feeling a bit awkward.
My own body was tense after watching him play. The way his body moved was compelling, and I felt uncomfortable being so close. Images of the way he moved reappeared in my head, intensifying the building attraction I felt for Blake. We made small talk on the ride home, but I was grateful to have the road in front of me to focus on. When we arrived, we headed inside to find that our parents had gone out and that we were completely alone.
I threw my backpack on the living room couch and headed for the kitchen to grab something to eat. Blake ran upstairs, mentioning a shower. Opening the fridge, I pulled out some veggies for a salad along with some chicken. I hummed to myself as I cooked, letting the stress and tension of the day melt away.
I was in the middle of cutting up vegetables for the salad when a voice behind me said, “Want some help?”
Blake was standing directly behind me. He wore a smirk on his face as he looked down at me. I stepped away from him. “You scared me.” His hair was wet, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt, indicating that he had just stepped out of the shower. He caught me looking at him, and I blushed furiously. “Go put some clothes on.”
His smile widened, and he stepped closer to me, backing me into the kitchen counter. I could smell his shampoo as I inhaled, and the smell was tantalizing, stirring all kinds of odd tremors where I least expected them. Looking intensely into my eyes, he whispered seductively, “I don’t think you want me to.”
My chest tightened as he leaned closer. Every nerve in my body awakened as he leaned against me, his body hot against mine. I gripped the kitchen counter behind me tightly, my knees weakening as I felt his breath on my face. He lowered his face to mine, moving slowly and deliberately, giving me time to pull away. My body was frozen, hypnotized by him. When his lips touched mine, electricity ran up and down my spine, and I kissed him back, pressing our bodies together.
Blake ran his fingers through my hair as we kissed, hot and heavy, our tongues tangling. I grabbed his shoulders, his naked skin warm under my exploring fingers. I let out a low moan as he pressed his hips into mine and slid his tongue into my mouth again. I reached my hands up, twisting my fingers tightly into his hair. He grabbed my waist and hoisted me up onto the counter.
I wrapped my legs around him, placing several closed-mouth kisses on his lips before he forced my mouth open with his own, his lips molding perfectly to mine. He sucked lightly on my bottom lip and grazed his teeth against it, sending shudders down my spine. I was lost in his kiss and his touch.
Without warning, he pushed away from me. I was breathing heavily, my lips swollen and my face red. I looked at him, confused, and froze. I heard a car door slam shut in the driveway. I hopped off the counter and turned back to the food, hissing to Blake, “Go put your shirt on.”
I clutched the knife I had used to cut the vegetables. I was hot from the kisses, and my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. I took three deep breaths before I continued slicing the food. My movements were slow and deliberate, more cautious than usual because my hands were tingling oddly.
My father and Debbie walked in, and I felt extremely uncomfortable. I was horrified by what had happened between Blake and me, and I began to worry that the guilt was evident in my appearance.
“Hey, honey. How was class today?” Dad greeted me as he entered the kitchen.
“It was good,” I replied without looking at him. I focused steadily on the food in front of me and could feel my face redden from a mix of shame and embarrassment.
“What are you making?” he asked curiously.
“Just baked chicken and a salad.”
“Sounds delicious.” The smile in his voice made me feel guiltier than ever.
I finished cooking dinner and excused myself from the kitchen, claiming I wasn’t hungry. This wasn’t untrue, either. I was much too nauseous to eat. I ran upstairs and shut my bedroom door quickly. I couldn’t get the kiss out of my head. My body was hot from his touch, and I wanted more of him. My mind bitterly reminded me of my dislike for Blake, contradicting the deep, throbbing need I felt for his lips. Part of me was glad our parents had come home when they did—who knew how far we would have gone? A different part of me longed for more. As I climbed into my bed, I thought about how awkward school would be tomorrow.
Blake
I got ready for class slowly because I didn’t want to face Alyssa. I felt like an idiot for kissing her, but I hadn’t been able to stop myself. When I had leaned in close to her, she looked so beautiful and innocent, her lips so soft and plump. Of course I wanted to kiss her again, but I dismissed the thought quickly. Despite knowing how wrong my actions were, if I were ever in the same situation again, I would kiss her and touch her just the same. Alyssa caused a deep, hungry response in me, one that overrode all rational thoughts and logic. I had to act cool, as if her presence didn’t affect me, which was the only way to control my irrational need for her. Controlling my attraction was vital. Alyssa and I were a part of a new family. We were technically siblings, and what we had done was shameful and could make life hard for us both.
I grabbed my backpack and headed downstairs, saying a quick good morning to my mother and stepdad. Alyssa was already downstairs, sitting at the table eating a piece of toast. I looked at her, but she didn’t look at me, just stared at her toast as if it were the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.
“Are you ready, Alyssa?” I asked her nonchalantly.
She froze for a second before she responded. “Yeah.”
I watched her get up and give her father a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing her backpack and walking out the door. I followed her to her car.
The drive to school was awkward and tense. I was hesitant to address the situation we had put ourselves in, and Alyssa’s stiff, quiet disposition implied that she felt angry and resentful towards me. Unable to find the right words to say, I decided to remain silent, but I constantly flicked my gaze to her, resisting every instinct to reach out and touch her.
Once we pulled into a parking spot, I hopped out and said, “See ya later, kid.”
I walked away quickly, unable to be near her any longer. I was overwhelmingly unable to properly handle the mess I had made by kissing her. I headed to my class, grateful for any distraction to get Alyssa off my mind. After an hour-long lecture, I left, rubbing my temples to ease the beginnings of a headache, and practically ran over Brittney as I walked out of the classroom. Clearly, she had been waiting for me.
“I called you last night,” she said, looking up at me with a small frown on her face.
I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her, but I saw Alyssa at the end of the hall talking to Maggie, so I wrapped my arm around Brittney’s shoulder. “Would dinner tonight make up for it?” I asked, walking down the hallway with her practi
cally glued to my side.
She yelped and said, “Totally!” She blabbed on, but I tuned her out, my eyes on Alyssa’s face as we passed her. She looked up and for a brief moment seemed almost hurt. She caught my eye and turned her attention back to Maggie, her expression instantly one of total unconcern, though it didn’t quite ring true.
***
I sat across the table from Brittney, annoyed at myself for suggesting this date. She seemed happy, though, and a continuous stream of words babbled out of her. I ate my food mechanically, trying my best to appear interested in what she was saying.
She was nothing like Alyssa. She wasn’t smart or funny, though she was pretty in a more artificial and obvious way. I sighed, telling myself I would never get anywhere if I compared every girl I went on a date with to Alyssa. She was simply incomparable. My attraction to Alyssa might run deeper than I originally thought, and I feared feelings were beginning to develop. The thought of caring for Alyssa in an intimate way invoked a horrifying anxiety. She wasn’t just some girl, she was going to be in my life forever. The reality of the situation was that, as her stepbrother, I simply couldn’t have her.
I looked at Brittney, and even though she was in the middle of a sentence, I interrupted. “Brittney, I just want to make sure you understand something.”
“What’s that?” she asked with wide eyes filled with what might have been adoration.
“I just want us to be friends.” I hesitated, searching for words that wouldn’t be hurtful. “I’m not really looking for a girlfriend right now.” I instinctively knew that what I said might be mean, but it had to be said. I looked at my food guiltily. I could see the pain on her face, and her eyes watered. I scrambled to find words to comfort her, the hurt I caused her cutting through me. “It isn’t you,” I added in a calming voice. “I just have a lot going on in my life right now. I hope you understand.”
