by Tricia Barr
An overwhelming sense of violation washed over her. Beating her and tossing her in a dungeon was one thing, but stealing who she was was the ultimate betrayal. A stabbing pain split down the middle of her chest, as if her ribcage had been ripped open and her heart torn out. It wasn’t enough for Joran to break her heart. No, he had to take it out completely.
“So what do we do now?” Ayanna asked, defeated. “It’s not like Joran is going to undo my mind wipe if I ask him.”
“He doesn’t have to undo it, because you can,” Skylar said.
“What? How?” she asked in bewilderment. “I didn’t even know I had this power, let alone how to use it. How can I use it on myself?”
“We’ve seen you do it before,” Earth said. “After we buried Joran, you couldn’t bear it… You still loved him, despite everything. You couldn’t live with knowing what you had done to him. So you made yourself forget. He didn’t exist to you for thousands of years until I managed to overhear the Four Corners planning to resurrect him. Then you made yourself remember again.”
Ayanna’s brows were raised the entire time Earth spoke. This was all so much to take in. And she couldn’t think, the splitting pain in her head was too much.
“Say I do somehow manage to make myself remember again,” Ayanna said. “What would that accomplish?”
Part of her wanted to know what she was missing, wanted to fill in all the many blanks in her brain. But, after what Earth said, another part of her was hesitant. Why choose to remember the pain she supposedly felt before over her betrayal of Joran? The pain she felt now at being at odds with him was plenty.
“You’ll be yourself again,” Water said, as if she was blind for not seeing it, for not wanting it. “Then you’ll be able to help us fight against him.”
Fight against Joran? “And how will we do that? He can’t be killed, as you said. You won’t bury him again, will you?”
The thought sent an electric jolt of panic through her entire body. It gave her an inkling of the kind of sorrow she had felt before.
“No, we all agreed that we will never do that again,” Earth said, her own guilt clear in her voice.
Ayanna’s body shuddered with relief. Despite everything that Joran had done, to her, to others, she couldn’t bear the thought of doing anything to hurt him.
But she did agree with them that he needed to be stopped. His soul was struggling. Immortality did not suit everyone, especially if the better part of that time was spent suffering. Joran’s soul needed to move on to the next plain. Only then could he hopefully find peace. But such a thing was not possible.
“Not necessarily,” Air said to her unspoken thought.
She cocked her head at him curiously.
“We may have found a way to kill him,” Air explained. “A weapon that can reverse his immortality. We will need your help to get close enough to use it. But only if you choose to come back to us.”
A weapon that could actually kill Joran? The thought of helping anyone kill the man she loved felt inescapably wrong. Even though she knew that Joran should no longer be in the world of the living, she couldn’t stand the thought of helping to send him to world of the dead. How could she live without him? The pain she felt was already crippling. How could she exist with this pain forever?
“What if he just erases my mind again whenever he comes back?” she said. “My struggling to remember who I was would be pointless.”
Water shrugged. “This is our one shot at this. We have to try. That is, if you’re willing. If you’d rather stay on Joran’s side after all this…”
He didn’t finish what he was saying. He seemed incapable of doing so, like voicing it would hurt too much. But she knew what he was going to say—If she’d rather stay on Joran’s side, they would leave her, and they would certainly become enemies. Ayanna could see on all their faces that none of them wanted to be her enemy. She believed that they had been her friends before this. Water especially. She felt a particular sense of fraternity toward him. These people cared about her, unselfishly and unconditionally. And she knew that, though she loved Joran beyond all logical sense, her loyalties lay with these four people.
Four… The redhead was not among them. Where was Fire?
“What do you say, Ayanna?” Air asked, for whatever reason choosing to ignore her internal question to pose his own. “I can walk you through it if you are ready to be yourself again.”
She looked at each of them for a moment, doubting that she could do this even if she tried.
“You won’t have to try too hard,” Air said. “You may not realize it, but you’ve already used your powers on yourself accidentally several times. Didn’t you think it was odd that whenever you thought about an object or a person or place, memories of them would come flooding back? That’s not a normal side effect of amnesia. That was your powers at work. All you have to do is want to know. Invite the memories in, and they will come.”
Her brows shot up, amazed by this revelation. Yes, she had noticed her memories coming back from certain triggers, but she never would have thought it was her doing it. She had been using her unknown power all along.
And now that she realized it was possible, that she could take back everything that was stolen from her if only she opened her mind, the gnawing pit of despair she felt was now replaced by a fierce need to remember. She wanted to know everything, to remember who these people in front of her were to her, to remember who she was.
“Okay, tell me how to do it,” she said, her eyes blazing with determination. “What do I need to do?”
Air sat down in front of her, crossing his legs and gesturing she do the same. He took her hands in his and guided them to either side of her face, flattening them over her temples.
“Close your eyes and concentrate on what it is you want to remember,” he said. “Which, in this case, is everything. There will be pain, but if you don’t fight it, it will hurt less.”
Pain. Could that be why her head ached every time she saw them, every time she half wished to know who they were? Had she been fighting remembering them because it was easier not to know?
“Just let everything in. It’s a lengthy process and leaves you with a sort of hangover afterwards, but by the end of it, you won’t have any more questions.”
Without any further hesitation, she closed her eyes and did as he instructed. She cleared her mind and concentrated on one specific question: Who am I?
And suddenly she was pitched into a spiraling typhoon of images, sounds and emotions. Her entire life flashed before eyes, her soul bouncing violently from one memory to the next like some twisted game of ping pong. She relived her youth, watching her little sister grow up and turning out to be Fire, growing a relationship and powerful romance with Joran, then all the centuries they spent together helping the village after they had been stabbed.
Then came the part she’d been dreading—Joran’s burial. Not only did her head crack open with pain at her refusal to see it, but her heart did as well. She tried to escape this disturbing montage, to wake up from this self-induced nightmare. But the tide of reminiscence had her, its pull too strong to resist for very long, and she finally gave in and let herself be pulled under.
Again, she saw Joran being dragged down to his very own personal hell by the elements, saw the earth fill in on top of him and grow over like he’d never been there at all, and felt her heart break anew. Reliving her erasure of that episode was a welcome anesthetic, and the rest of the memories flashed by easily, hurtling her into a cozy wormhole ride through her life.
As she watched, the damage in her heart mended, the loss of Joran being filled in by a different kind of love, that for Fire and Water, the sister and brother of her soul. Over the millennia she had laughed with them, loved with them, cried with them, risked everything for them. They had given her a purpose. They were her best friends.
After what seemed an eternity, the whirlwind of memories slowed as they approached the present, finally ending right b
efore Joran erased her mind. Ayanna could have lived forever without knowing what he did to her, without witnessing once again the brutality he was capable of. That he could hurt her like that… Joran was heartless.
When Ayanna eventually opened her eyes, she saw that Sebastian was cradling her head in his lap, caressing her unruly curls in a gentle yet platonic way.
She smiled at the recollection of his name. Though she had called all of them by countless names over her time on this earth, his current one was her favorite. Before Joran’s burial, he had stopped caring to learn their new names after each rebirth, only ever referring to them by their elements. But Ayanna had always cared.
“So, did it work?” he asked, smiling his trademark charming smile in return to hers. “Are you our Ayanna again?”
“I never really stopped being her,” she said. “Even if Joran wipes my mind clear again, I’ll still be here, waiting for you to rescue me again.”
Sebastian helped her sit up, and she fought a dizzy spell as the blood rushed to her head.
“You’ve rescued me thousands of times,” he said. “I thought it was about time I returned the favor.”
His expression was so much brighter now than it had been before she went under. Looking around at the others, she saw that all three of them looked happier. The tension that had been so thick in this dank dark room had dissipated, replaced with relief and hope.
Again, she noticed Phoenyx’s absence. Phoenyx—her sister and best friend in the universe. That Ayanna could have ever thought Phoenyx was her enemy was laughable. As she remembered her jealousy and catty hatred of Phoenyx over Joran, she actually did laugh.
“Where is Phoenyx?” Ayanna finally asked.
The three of them exchanges glances, as if uncertain whether or not to answer that question. Lily blushed when her eyes landed on Ayanna’s, and Sebastian wouldn’t even meet her gaze. He looked guilty. He looked ashamed.
“What is it?” Ayanna asked, freshly concerned. “Is she hurt? Did something happen to her?”
“No, she’s not hurt,” Skylar said waveringly. “But you’re not going to like the answer.”
If Phoenyx isn’t hurt, then what’s there to worry about?
“Just tell me,” Ayanna insisted. “Where is she?”
“We needed a way of making sure that Joran would be occupied while we came down here,” Sebastian said, staring down hard at the ground the whole time. “Phoenyx reluctantly agreed to be the distraction.”
Like a slap in the face, the memory of Joran kissing Phoenyx flashed into Ayanna’s mind. Joran had been pursuing Phoenyx the entire time they’d been at the castle. A pang of jealousy flared through Ayanna as she realized what Sebastian was saying.
“Oh. I see,” she said dryly.
Rationally, Ayanna knew that her feelings were stupid. Phoenyx would never do anything to purposely hurt Ayanna’s feelings. Ayanna had seen on Phoenyx’s face that Joran’s advances had not been welcomed. Phoenyx was doing this because she had to. Perhaps this was karma paying Ayanna back for all the times that she had encouraged similarly using Phoenyx as a distraction for various other missions in the past. It wouldn’t be fair to hold it against her the one time she used her body to save Ayanna.
But still, the thought of Joran even touching another woman, let alone having sex—Ayanna had to stop that train of thought before she exploded with jealous rage.
Just don’t think about it.
“What’s the plan now?” Ayanna asked, changing the subject and breaking the tense silence.
“We wait,” Skylar said.
“Sam, the witch who freed Joran, is on our side now,” Lily said. “He’s performing a spell on the dagger that will reverse its power. He will let us know tonight if it worked. Then we’ll go from there.”
“Reverse the dagger’s power?” Ayanna asked. “Is that even possible?”
“Sam thinks so,” Lily said.
So not even the immortal are invincible…
“So for now, just stay here and act like nothing’s changed,” Sebastian said. “Don’t give Joran any reason to suspect you have your memories back. We’ll try to be in contact with you as soon as we can.”
Ayanna nodded, preparing herself to play her part as the helpless victim—it still wasn’t far from the truth. Ayanna was fit and strong, but no match for Joran physically, and though she was now fully aware of her power, it was not something she could use to defend herself.
“We can’t stay much longer,” Skylar said. “We have no guarantee of how long Phoenyx will be able to keep Joran distracted—”
Sebastian snorted, the disgust hardening his handsome face.
“—and we have to be within range to receive Sam’s message. Hang in there, and we will find some way to communicate with you. Hopefully Joran will get bored of keeping you down here and we’ll see you soon.”
“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Ayanna said. “He’s quite fond of punishing me.” And damn me for still loving him.
The three of them rose to their feet to exit. Lily wrapped Ayanna in a warm, tight hug.
“Everything will be okay, Ayanna,” Lily said to her, intimating that she knew Ayanna’s suffering.
“I don’t know about that,” Ayanna said in the same personal register. “Can you heal a broken heart?”
“I will spend the rest of my life trying, if that’s what it takes,” Lily promised. Even though it been thousands of years since Ayanna had last seen Lily before this lifetime, it was clear that Lily still regarded her as one of her best friends. Time may have distanced their bodies, but never their hearts, or their souls.
“Thank you, my friend,” Ayanna said.
Then, reluctantly, the three of them left and locked the door behind them. Ayanna was alone in the dark again, with a whole new batch of demons to wrestle with.
The pale orange glow of the early morning sun covered every westward wall of the castle. Despite its soft optimism, Phoenyx felt a heavy dread in the pit of her stomach as she quietly exited Joran’s bedroom and headed toward her own.
The night had been the most intense, mindless, euphoric thing she’d ever experienced, and she hated herself for it. She longed for the comfort of Sebastian’s embrace, yet feared his rejection above all else. If he knew how much she enjoyed it, how the way Joran touched her made her feel so alive, so free, he would surely hate her.
Crossing the hall to their room, she cracked the door and peaked inside. Skylar and Lily were gone, leaving Sebastian in their bed by himself. He was curled up, his leg wrapped around a pillow—a poor substitute for her, she realized.
Phoenyx tiptoed into the room, staring down at him and loving how cute and peaceful he looked when asleep. Her chest swelled with love for him, at the same time filling her guts with a guilt like bile. How could she have lost herself so eagerly to Joran’s temptation if her love for Sebastian was true?
Unable to tolerate the distance anymore, she slipped into the bed and curled up behind him, wrapping her arms around him and gently squeezing like he was a life-sized teddy bear. She kissed his bare shoulder and the back of his neck, anywhere that she could reach with her lips, needing to love on him in any way that she could.
He roused, rolling over and pulling her into his arms. When his sleepy eyes opened to look into hers, they were burning with desperation. His lips found hers, soft and pleading at first, then ravenous and penetrating, the kiss deepening as he rolled on top of her to claim her.
Phoenyx hadn’t known how much she needed this. After a night full of sleeping with another man, only a morning full of professing her love to the man she betrayed could even begin to mend the rift in her heart.
She kissed him everywhere that she could, holding him against her for dear life, begging him for forgiveness with every fiber of her being. And he was begging too, whispering “I love you” and “please” into her ear almost constantly. They had both wronged each other—Sebastian by reluctantly pushing her toward their ultimate enemy, and her
by not hating it.
When their marathon was over, they held tight to each other in their exhaustion, neither one ready to let even a single millimeter of space between them. Sebastian was crushing her to him, making it hard to breathe, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Sacrificing her ability to catch her breath was a small penance for the sin she had committed against her soulmate.
As the weight of it all settled on her, she began to cry, causing Sebastian to squeeze her tighter, desperately patting her head.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I hate myself for letting you do that. You must hate me, too.”
“What?” she exclaimed, looking up at him through tear-blurred eyes. “No, I could never hate you, never!” She was almost begging, needing him to understand just how much she loved and needed him. “It’s you who should hate me.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he argued. “I was the one who suggested you go to him. This is not on you, baby.”
“But enjoying it is,” she said so softly it was almost inaudible. Her confession made fresh, hot tears flood down her face. But she couldn’t lie to Sebastian about this. He deserved the truth, even if it would be the nail in the coffin of their relationship.
Sebastian said nothing, he just caressed the back of her head as she cried, and kissed her forehead now and then. She cried for a long time, until the sobs faded, her tired body no longer able to facilitate them.
“He overloaded your power onto you,” Sebastian said.
She nodded even though it wasn’t a question, guilt tightening her throat.
“Then you have nothing to be sorry for,” Sebastian said. “You are new to the potency of your particular drug. Though you’ve used it on thousands before, you have no idea how truly addictive it can be. As the number one addict, I should know.” He actually smiled at her, and her heart broke even more at the beauty of it.
“But I gave in,” Phoenyx protested. “I could have held back, I could have resisted its pull. I did it before. But I’ve been craving it, and once I had it, I couldn’t stop myself… I don’t know if I can resist it again…” This last admission nearly broke her.
