“But how the fuck was I supposed to know?”
I grumbled the words to myself as I forced myself up to a sitting position. I chugged down the large glass of water I had apparently left myself the previous night before passing out cold. I was dimly aware that talking to myself wasn’t the best development ever, but after days of being almost exclusively on my own in a house with twelve bedrooms and eight full bathrooms, it was a habit I had just seemed to pick up.
Things felt too empty otherwise, and since I had no intention of throwing any parties or making any friends, talking to myself so as to hear an actual voice seemed like the best of a whole bunch of shitty options. And although I was the one making it, it was a legitimate point, legitimate enough that I said it once more for good measure as I stumbled from the bedroom that had been mine when I was a teenager to the shower that was calling out my name.
As I let the water pour over me, I also allowed my thoughts to limp along back to the previous afternoon, to the encounter that had led to my impressive solitary bender on my dad’s favorite, pricey liquor. I didn’t want to go there, or at least most of me didn’t, but I didn’t seem to be able to stop myself, either. In some sick act of masochism, the encounter with Fay was the only place my thoughts wanted to travel. With me being as tired, drained, and worn down as I was, I was fucking helpless to stop them.
Maybe it made me an idiot, but it had never occurred to me that Fay Turner might still work at the local Ashville diner. Quite honestly, it hadn’t occurred to me to think about whether she still lived in the tiny town where fun and ambition came to die. I had thought about her plenty after I had first moved away, but over the years and after getting into bed with more women than I was prepared to count, she’d sort of lost her place in my mind.
She’d been relegated to a new spot, a spot so far in the back of my other thoughts and memories that when I had seen her yanked up from beneath the diner counter, I had felt like I was looking at a ghost. If I hadn’t still had my wits enough about me to realize that it would have made me look like a complete moron, I would have just turned and hauled ass out of there.
Shit, I would have driven right back to the tiny airport and gotten onto my little plane and headed back for Connecticut if I’d been able to justify it to myself. I would have done it if it hadn’t been for the fact that it wasn’t Brent’s job to clean up the shit my dad had left behind. And if I hadn’t wanted to be one hundred percent sure that none of dad’s asshole family managed to weasel their way into something they didn’t deserve.
Even so, seeing Fay again had almost been enough for me to give up all semblance of responsibility and head out, back to the life that actually belonged to me instead of the shit show it had so recently been replaced with.
The first thing I had thought when I’d looked at Fay was that she hadn’t changed at all. Even after nine years, I would have recognized her anywhere, which I was sure was something I wouldn’t be able to say about most of the people in town.
I was the kind of person who made forgetting into a job when I wanted something out of my head. That was exactly how I had treated tiny Ashville just as soon as I had managed to make my escape. Fay, though, she was somebody I wasn’t ever able to forget, even if I hadn’t realized I remembered her until I saw her again. Even her mannerisms were the same. The way she compulsively tucked her hair behind her ear, or the way she played with whatever piece of jewelry she had on that day.
The second thing that had occurred to me upon seeing the ghost of my girlfriend past was that she was fucking beautiful.
She always had been. She’d been beautiful in a way an eighteen-year-old boy just couldn’t appreciate. Getting a little older had only managed to accentuate that in her. Her hair was long and full. The kind of blonde that only came from spending hours and hours out in the sun. Her eyes were a deep green that almost looked fake. They were so thoughtful that they actually made me nervous when they landed on me. She was every bit as beautiful as any girl I’d seen since abandoning my hometown.
Realizing that had made me squirm while I was standing in front of her and trying to figure out how to get away. It still made me squirm while I stood underneath the shower. Because when I had left Ashville, I had left all of it, my girlfriend Fay Turner included. I had left with promises to write, to call, left telling her that I would visit her just as soon as I got myself situated in college. What I had actually done was call twice and send one stupid letter before leaving her behind and letting her go. I hadn’t ever told her it was over.
I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t had the balls for that conversation back then, or if I’d just decided she wasn’t important enough to deserve a proper goodbye. Either way, I hadn’t given her one. I had just gone and thought about her very little, until standing face to face with her again. I was lucky she hadn’t punched me in the face right then and there. I should probably have been grateful about that. Instead, I was even more ready to get out of town. If I had to go through another impromptu meeting like that one, I would kill myself.
“I need to get the fuck out of here,” I growled to myself as I toweled off and slipped into what I had quickly come to think of as my Alaska clothes. “That’s what I need to do.”
I needed to get out of town, but that wasn’t an option. I decided that the grocery store would have to do. I piled into my truck once again, a heavy feeling of reservation on my heart this time.
For starters, after seeing Fay, it was now impossible not to remember that I could see her house down in the valley below my own. When I looked at that house, I remembered all of the meals her mom had made us before she died. I remembered how close to going all the way we had come that summer before I left. It made my stomach do a weird little flip flop when I thought about those times. I slammed my truck door and revved my engine as if the sound of it would be able to drown out my own stupid thoughts.
I headed down to the town’s only grocery store. That flip-floppy feeling only got worse the further into town I got. By the time I got inside the small store, I figured there was a fifty-fifty shot that I was going to throw up. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the whiskey or my nerves.
Getting out of the house was necessary, as was getting some actual food to put in the house instead of just having booze. But being in the grocery store felt a whole lot like playing with fire. Who the hell knew who I was going to run into while I walked through those aisles?
It wasn’t like Fay was the only person I had just up and left, although she was probably the worst of it. I’d done the same thing to every person I had ever known. There was a very good chance that they wouldn’t all be as gracious about it as Fay had been. I wasn’t really itching to get into a fight right there in the grocery store. I also wasn’t sure that it was something I would be able to avoid. Almost everything I had done since arriving in Ashville felt like a giant misstep, and it looked like this was going to be more of the same.
“Driscoll!” a voice boomed out from behind me, the timing of it so perfectly matched with my thoughts, it might as well have been in a movie or something. “Holy shit, Driscoll! Is that you?”
“Yeah,” I answered dismally, talking before I even started to turn around.
I didn’t know who this guy was, but I was sincerely hoping it would be somebody I could talk down. I really did feel like shit, and although I was in what I liked to consider fairly decent shape, I didn’t think it would take much to knock me out flat at that moment. I was so ready to get my ass kicked, actually, that when I got myself turned around and saw somebody walking toward me with a smile on his face, I had trouble believing that was the person calling my name.
I squinted at him and realized that this was somebody I knew. He was coming right for me, his arms opened wide like he wanted to give me a hug instead of punching me in the face.
“I fucking knew it was you! I know I already said it, but holy shit, man! It’s fucking good to see you, brother!”
“Jesus, Eli? Is that who I�
��m looking at right now?”
“As I live and fucking breathe, man. How the hell are you?!”
Eli was a couple of inches taller than me, despite the fact that I stood at a respectable six foot three. I let him swallow me up in a bear hug that drove the air from my lungs. He even bounced me up and down a couple of times.
What with the hug and the amount of profanity flying around, we were still making a scene, but it wasn’t a scene that involved somebody telling me what an asshole I was. So, I was more than willing to take it. Besides, Eli was a dude I was actually happy to see. I hadn’t thought about him any more than I’d thought about anyone else I’d left behind over the years. But seeing him brought back a flood of memories of all of the trouble we’d gotten into together. Also, as girly as it felt to admit, even to myself, it was good to find that I still had a friend in town. Not a friend I had kept up with, but a friend. That was worth something for sure. He clapped me on the back one more time and then let me go, grinning at me widely and shaking my hand.
“Seriously, brother. It’s been a lifetime, right?”
“Yeah,” I answered, painfully aware that I was being let off lightly. “I guess it has, hasn’t it?”
“Sure as shit has. Hey, man, I heard about your dad. I’m sorry to hear. Sucks.”
“Shit, you’re telling me.”
“Guessing that’s what you’re doing back in town?” he asked.
“Pretty much. He left me the house, and there’s a bunch of stuff I’ve got to take care of with the business. Everything’s way out of order, and I guess I’m supposed to put it all right again.”
“That sounds like a bitch.”
“You’re not lying. But hey, you get to catch up with old friends, right?”
“True, that’s true.” Eli nodded thoughtfully. “Speaking of which, how long are you gonna be in town, do you think?”
I shook my head. “Shit, at this rate? At least a month? A month if I’m lucky. There’s a good chance it’ll be longer. You know how these things go.”
“Me?” Eli laughed, an honest laugh that made me legitimately happy to see him again. “No way. I run a barber shop, dude. I don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like to try and handle everything you’ve got going on. But I’ll tell you what; I know what I’d like to do if you think you’ve got the time.”
“Lay it on me, man. The shit I have to do is going to take a long time, but it doesn’t take up a lot of time, if you catch my meaning.”
“I guess so. And that’s good! That means you’ve got time to come out for a drink or five tomorrow night. What do you say? Feel up to it?”
I surprised myself by telling him that yes, I was pretty sure I did. I still hated being back in Ashville, and I didn’t see that ever changing, but I was also surprisingly happy to see an old buddy. The idea of getting out of the house for more than just groceries had an appeal I couldn’t ignore. Besides, it wasn’t like I was likely to see Fay there.
I was remembering more about her all of the time, including the fact that partying had never been her thing. If any place in Ashville was safe, it was probably a bar. It had the added benefit of meaning I would have a night where I wasn’t drinking alone. Seemed like a win-win to me. Considering I was in Ashville, that was something I was happy to take.
Chapter 7: Fay
“So, are you ready to talk about it yet?” Courtney asked.
“To talk about what?” I asked. “I never said there was anything I didn’t want to talk about.”
“Sure, I know, but I think I know you well enough to know when you aren’t ready to have a conversation about something. Which you weren’t earlier. Which is why I’m wondering if you’re feeling up to it now.”
I stopped my sweeping, sweeping both me and Courtney were both technically supposed to do in order to get the diner cleaned up. In reality, I did it all by my lonesome. Courtney sat up on the countertop, her favorite place to be, with one of the diner’s beers popped open.
This was pretty much her nightly ritual, and one I almost always pretended to disapprove of. On this particular night, I just wasn’t feeling up to it. Honestly, this had felt like one of the longest days of my life. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been so relieved to flip the open sign to closed.
I didn’t think there was anything that could have made me feel any more pitiful and low, but part of me had spent the whole day after my strange meeting with Neil expecting to see him again. Every time I’d heard a car engine, my eyes had flown to the big plate glass windows lining the front of the diner. I was sure that it would be his old beat up red truck once again.
There had been exactly five sets of customers that afternoon, and every time the bell rang, I was sure it would be Neil. My stomach would drop at the same time as my heart leaped up into my throat. My mind raced with all of the things I would say when I saw that it was him. Except that it had never been him, not any of the times when the bell had rung.
Of course, it hadn’t been him, I would admonish myself after each disappointment. Why the hell would he come back in here after the first time? It wasn’t like he had looked happy to see me. The more I’d thought about it after he’d gone, the more sure I had become of what his true reaction had actually been. Mortification.
He’d taken one look at me and been absolutely mortified. He hadn’t been able to get away from me fast enough. Courtney was right, although I didn’t want her to be. I hadn’t been ready to talk about anything, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever be ready, either. That face to face with Neil had made me feel like complete shit. I was pretty sure it was something that would take a little while to recover from.
“Um, Fay? You still alive there?”
“What? Sorry, yes. I was just thinking.”
“Clearly. The question of the hour is whether or not you want to talk about it. Because I know I would.”
“It was just so weird!” I practically shouted, answering her before I was even sure that talking about Neil was something I was up for. “I mean it was weird, right? Or was that just me?”
“Oh no, not just you. It was like being in an episode of the Twilight Zone. My question is, though, whether or not you thought something like that was going to happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, his dad died and all. Did you think he might be coming back because of that? Not forever or anything like that. That would be idiotic. But for a little while?”
“I don’t know,” I answered quickly, lying through my teeth and hoping against hope that Courtney couldn’t tell. “All I know is that it totally threw me off.”
“I bet,” she answered sympathetically. She finished her beer and opened another one, as if she were at home and not at the place where she supposedly worked. “I mean, you guys were like, totally in love, right?”
“I don’t know. I thought so. But that was before he bailed. So what do I know?”
“Asshole. I mean really, what kind of a prick does that?”
“I think a lot of people, actually,” I said.
“He’s still a prick, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care how hot he is.”
“He is pretty sexy, right? I mean, it isn’t just me being nostalgic?”
Courtney shook her head. “No, he’s definitely hot. But still. Prick.”
“Do you know that I used to stare at his house out of my bedroom window?”
“Um, you might not want to tell people that, babe,” Courtney said with a laugh and a little wink. “It makes you sound a little bit like a creepy stalker type.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. It was nothing like that. I mean, even before I was old enough to think about Neil at all. I would stare up at his house, stare up at all of those lights, and I would try to imagine what it would be like to be that rich. My mom was always on my case for leaving even one light on; sometimes even if it was in the room I was in.”
“Sure, didn’t everyone’s parents do that?” she asked.
“Nop
e, not Neil’s dad. I would look up at that house, and sometimes it would look like every light in the house was on at the same time, just because they could be. It looked like stars to me, Courtney. It looked like a little crop of stars caught in a net and brought down to earth, just for me. That’s what I would think about when I was little and looking at the Driscoll house. I would think about stars.”
We both lapsed into silence then, Courtney from her perch on the countertop and me sitting in one of our empty booths. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking about, but I was busy thinking about a life that didn’t even come close to existing anymore. I was thinking about back when Neil’s house looked like it was full of stars, and my dreams of what might lay in store for him and me still felt real enough to touch.
“Okay, sister, enough is enough,” Courtney said.
“Huh? What do you mean?”
I wasn’t sure exactly how long Courtney and I had been sitting so quietly. All I knew was that it was now totally dark outside. I could somehow still tell that Courtney was either restless, annoyed, or both. When she jumped off the counter and chugged what remained of her beer in what looked like one long sip, I settled on both.
I knew she was probably annoyed by how sentimental I was being, seeing as she had always hated it when I got like that. At the same time, she was the one who had asked me to get that way. It felt unfair and a little bit out of character for her to be pissed.
Because I couldn’t figure her out, and because I had already asked for her meaning, I waited. I waited to see what she would say, hoping that she wouldn’t choose this moment to pick one of our very rare fights. Fighting was something I was never much of a fan of, but on this day? On this day, I was pretty sure I would just lay down on the floor and die rather than get into a yelling match with my best friend. I was too drained, too far gone within myself for a thing like that.
Passion: A Single Dad Small Town Romance Page 51
