by S. B. Hayes
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes … I’m fine,’ I lied, and turned around, arranging my features into something resembling a smile.
‘We were supposed to be seeing each other last night, Katy.’
Merlin’s tone was filled with reproach. I hadn’t expected that. In all the excitement of staking out the vicarage, I’d completely forgotten our date.
‘It wasn’t intentional, Merlin; something just … came up. Luke and I had to go somewhere and there was no mobile coverage and we got back really late.’
He scowled. ‘After hiding all week … this was a chance for us to see each other and talk properly.’
I could feel his anger but I was suddenly overcome with my own sense of injustice. How dare he make me feel bad about Luke, when he had spent last night cavorting with Genevieve!
‘How was the party?’ I asked with thinly veiled contempt.
Merlin’s face darkened. ‘It would’ve been better if you were there, but we couldn’t put it off. The marquee had to be taken down today so it was last night or never.’
‘I understand that.’
He turned towards me. ‘So why do I feel so bad?’
I stared straight ahead and came back with, ‘Don’t know. Why do you feel so bad? If you feel guilty about last night, it isn’t my fault.’
‘Why should I feel guilty?’ Merlin asked hotly. ‘I spent all night trying to contact you.’
I wanted to stop but it was as if a demon was inside me. The photograph of Merlin and Genevieve – I couldn’t escape from it. ‘Not quite all evening. You managed to find time for a long slow dance …’
Merlin immediately guessed my meaning and his features twisted in anger. ‘That isn’t fair at all. It was just one dance. Now you know how I felt about the photo of you and Luke.’
‘So … you did it to get back at me?’ I asked in disbelief.
‘Don’t be so childish. I’m not like that.’
‘Strange though … almost tit for tat.’
‘While we’re on the subject,’ Merlin growled, ‘there’ve always been three of us in our relationship, and it isn’t Genevieve. I can’t believe you don’t see it.’
‘Well, I don’t.’
‘This … Luke – he’s making up all this investigation stuff just to spend time with you.’
‘If you must know,’ I informed him tetchily, ‘it’s my investigation. Luke is doing me the favour.’
‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’
‘You’re being absurd and ridiculous,’ I replied in my most mature voice. ‘Luke’s girlfriend is my friend too. I’ve known her for years. We’re always hanging out together.’
‘Like when?’ Merlin asked calmly.
I didn’t have an answer to this because he’d suddenly made me realize that I hadn’t seen Laura in ages, almost as if she was avoiding me.
‘Genevieve is the one who’s always in the way,’ I continued, ignoring his implication.
‘She needs a lot of support.’
I moved as far away from him as I could, hobbling to the other side of the large kitchen. ‘Look at it from my point of view. She’s just … everywhere, taking over my life and doing everything better than me. She’s like a mirror image of me except a nicer one.’
This was his cue to reassure me.
Don’t be silly, Katy. Of course she isn’t better at everything than you. Nor is she prettier, cleverer or nicer. Genevieve couldn’t hold a candle to you. You’re completely unique and I love you just the way you are.
But Merlin didn’t say any of this. Sullenly he mumbled, ‘Just lately, Katy, it feels like you’re never there.’
‘I can’t stop what I’m doing; it’s important,’ I replied coldly.
‘Everything seems more important than me.’
‘I think we need a break from each other,’ I blurted out, which took me by complete surprise, but once it was said it was impossible to retract.
Merlin put his head in his hands and gave a long deep groan of dismay. Then he got up, walked towards me and took hold of my hand. ‘Katy … I don’t want that. We’ll talk … sort this mess out. Everything was fantastic before.’
His plea had no effect; it was as if I’d completely turned to ice. At his touch I could taste her, smell her and even hear her in his speech. I stayed mute and unresponsive.
‘I don’t want us to break up,’ he begged. ‘Maybe Genevieve has been hanging around our house too much and I felt sorry for her. I won’t let you go like this.’
‘You don’t have a choice, Merlin.’
‘I won’t give up without a fight,’ he persisted. ‘This isn’t you saying these things.’
‘It is me.’
‘I still have your text on my phone. “PS I love you X”. Didn’t you mean it? Was it just a lie?’
I hesitated for just a moment, my eyes lingering on the way he looked at that moment; his handsome face flushed with an angry desperation, his eyes blazing and yet pleading with me.
‘Merlin, I should go.’
‘You can’t go yet. There’s something I need to give you, a kind of early Christmas present.’
I kicked myself for coming here so soon after the party. ‘I can’t take anything … really.’
‘It’s of no use to anyone else,’ Merlin said, ‘and I’ll really be hurt if you don’t take it. Could you manage to climb the stairs? I want you to see it in the right setting.’
He was so insistent that I couldn’t protest any more. He helped me to his studio, where a blast of cold air hit me. The roof window was open and a few withered leaves had fluttered in and lay on the floorboards. Now I was here Merlin seemed more animated. He rested both hands on my shoulders and my stomach flipped at his touch. I was filled with a sense of all we’d lost, the words we’d never spoken, the things we hadn’t done together. It forced its way into my throat and stayed there, choking me. Part of me wanted to push him away and the other part wanted to burrow closer into him.
I caught sight of our reflection in his mirror and was taken aback. We looked so good together. What greater proof did I need that he loved me and not Genevieve? I was the one here with him, and he was trying to make things right between us. My face turned to him, my resolve weakening, when a flash of colour caught my eye. There was something suspended from a hook above the side window, twisting and twirling in the breeze, throwing out shafts of emerald light. There was no mistaking where it had come from and I quickly pulled away. Merlin’s face clouded over.
I went over to the window and scowled. ‘I recognize that pendant … it’s Genevieve’s.’
‘I didn’t even notice it was there,’ he muttered. ‘She makes loads of them and gives them to all Mum’s students.’
‘Not like that one,’ I insisted.
‘She must have left it here by accident.’
‘She’s been here? In your room?’
‘Helping me with something for you,’ he emphasized.
I couldn’t even bring myself to comment. I craned my neck to look at the fast moving sky, perfectly framed by the sheet of glass like a beautiful living work of art.
Merlin moved over to his easel and I was suddenly horrified. With all that had happened I’d forgotten about the painting but, undoubtedly, this had to be his present for me.
‘I can’t take it, Merlin … not now …’
‘You have to,’ he insisted. ‘It’s finished and it’s for you.’ He ran one hand through his dark hair. ‘It isn’t something I could give to anyone else.’
‘Is this what Genevieve’s been helping you with?’ I asked suspiciously.
He nodded.
‘But … you said you could paint me blindfold.’
Merlin reached out and touched my face. ‘I could, Katy, but then something happened … when I was jealous over Luke … I lost sight of you …’
‘You lost sight of me,’ I repeated forlornly.
‘Not for long. See, I could have painted a likeness of you any time, but
I had to capture your … soul … otherwise it would just be like any other painting.’
‘And Genevieve? How did she help?’
His forehead wrinkled as he struggled to explain. ‘You’re both creative and kind of spiritual … her presence alone reminded me how incredible you are.’
So Genevieve had acted as his muse in place of me. I definitely didn’t want to look at the painting; it was completely tainted. I tried to back out of the room, but Merlin was in the process of slowly pulling the sheet from the canvas and I was forced to watch the gradual unveiling. Somewhere along the way small details had changed – the eyes were now larger and more luminous, the lips fuller and definitely crueller, the cheekbones higher as, bit by bit, a strange hybrid image of Genevieve and me appeared, the eyes following me wherever I went.
I looked at the painting and then back at Merlin to see if it was some kind of sick joke. Bile rose in my gullet and I thought I might be sick. His face was so proud – he really didn’t have a clue. If it wasn’t so tragic, I might have laughed.
‘Haven’t you got anything to say, Katy?’
I said just two words. ‘Goodbye, Merlin.’
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SEVEN
It was half-term and I was glad of the chance to lick my wounds and not have to bump into Merlin every five minutes in college. Everything Genevieve promised had come true – she’d hijacked my friends and my boyfriend and sabotaged my college course. She’d known exactly what I’d do and how I’d react. But the thing that hurt the most was the painting – the utter humiliation and shame of it. Thank goodness I’d finished with Merlin before he’d shown it to me. I had taken the lead and kept my dignity, which was a small consolation. It seemed crazy, but the uncertainty of being with him was almost harder to cope with than the realization that he was no longer mine.
There weren’t many distractions to take my mind off things – Hannah had gone to Paris for a few days to improve her French and Nat had to look after her little sister for most of the holiday. For once I had plenty of time to devote to my designs, but they were all morbid, the colours flat and sombre, as if someone had asked me to sketch a whole collection of clothes for a funeral. I spent ages in my bedroom to avoid Mum, who was still acting oddly. Out of the blue she brought up the subject of us moving away to another city for a fresh start. Mum hated change of any kind, and I grew ever more suspicious that this had something to do with her reaction to Genevieve’s real name.
When Luke heard the news about Merlin he turned up after work with flowers and spoke in a hushed voice as if someone really had died. I still couldn’t walk properly so he came into our kitchen, put them in water for me and arranged them really badly.
‘How’s the ankle?’
‘Still sore.’
I lifted my hem of my jeans. It was every colour of the rainbow and still oddly spongy.
Luke pinched an apple from our fruit bowl and took a large bite. Juice ran down his chin. ‘You should have an X-ray, just in case.’
‘That’s what Mum said.’
‘Is it painful?’
‘Agony.’
‘If you don’t get some crutches, you’ll miss college.’ He waved his car keys at me. ‘Come on. I’ll take you to the hospital … right now … get it over with.’
I groaned because he was right as usual. Reluctantly I grabbed my bag and hobbled to his car. I glanced at his profile as he drove, remembering what Merlin had said about Laura, but I couldn’t pluck up the courage to ask him. We reached the hospital and made our way to Casualty. I’d never been to an adult hospital before and was surprised at the huge number of people waiting to be seen.
‘Good job it’s not late at night,’ Luke whispered. ‘It’s not a pretty sight.’
‘I’ll be fine by myself,’ I told him bravely. ‘Just leave me here and I’ll get a taxi home.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ he insisted, and began to whistle cheerfully.
‘Laura must hate me,’ I began nervously.
‘Why?’
‘Always monopolizing you like this.’
‘She doesn’t mind.’
‘You always say that. You always tell me that Laura wouldn’t mind.’
Luke changed position and stared at me. His eyes were usually bright and laughing, but today they looked as coldly blue and deep as a fjord. ‘And what, Kat?’
‘It’s just … why hasn’t she come to see me lately? We three used to hang out.’
He shrugged. ‘She’s been busy, and it’s different now … I mean she used to style your hair and stuff … you were just a kid.’
I pondered on this for a minute. I didn’t know what Luke was getting at, but it didn’t feel good. Maybe she really was avoiding me.
‘Well, just don’t neglect her, Luke … look what happens.’
‘Did Merlin feel neglected?’ he asked quietly.
‘Apparently.’
‘It’ll hurt less soon,’ he murmured, ‘and you’ll find another boyfriend.’
‘Find?’ I echoed, aghast. ‘I’m not looking for another boyfriend, and it was me who broke it off with Merlin.’
Luke was immediately contrite. ‘Wow, Kat, I didn’t realize. I thought you were …
‘Heartbroken?’
‘No, just cut up about him.’
I’d had no one to talk to about the break-up and it was a relief to open up to Luke, although I couldn’t bring myself to mention the painting, or what Merlin had said about Luke.
‘Something changed between us. Merlin looked and sounded the same, but something was missing … like a part of him had been stolen from me. Sounds silly, doesn’t it?’
‘No, it doesn’t,’ he answered pensively. ‘It sounds … really insightful. You’re very grown-up … emotionally.’
‘Stop teasing me, Luke.’
‘I’m not,’ he insisted, and for once there wasn’t any trace of a smirk. ‘And what about Genevieve?’ Luke sucked in his cheeks. ‘You were so agitated when we left the attic. I reckoned you were on to something.’
‘I’ve thought of nothing else … but it’s a mental block … this connection with York.’
A pregnant woman waddled by just then and I looked at her with terrified awe – how could anyone’s stomach stretch so far? The cogs in my brain began to whirr again, only this time an idea took shape that was so frightening I had to lean forward and almost put my head between my knees.
‘Are you OK, Kat?’
‘Luke … we’re in a hospital,’ I whispered. ‘What happens in hospitals?’
‘Er … people have treatment when they’re sick.’
‘And they have babies.’
‘Yeees …’
I buried my face in my hands. ‘Can’t you see it?’
‘See what?’
‘It’s horrific, and yet …’
At that moment a nurse called my name and I was glad to get up from my seat and have my sore ankle prodded, poked and X-rayed – anything to stop me from thinking about the possibility that was growing bigger and stronger all the time. I refused to say another word until we were back home, my ankle tightly strapped and a pair of crutches in my grasp. It was late and Mum’s bedroom light was switched off. Luke followed me inside, quietly closing the door behind him. He paced up and down our living room, hands behind his back, which normally would have made me laugh because he looked like a member of the royal family.
‘Well? Will you tell me at last?’
‘There’s a photo album in that sideboard, Luke. Would you get it for me?’
Obediently he knelt down, opened the doors and felt around inside. He handed me the brown leather-bound album without asking any questions. I flicked from one page to another and stopped about halfway through, angling the book towards Luke. ‘This is me as a newborn baby.’
‘And?’
‘It’s so obvious … you should be able to see how different I look.’
‘Not really. I said before, a baby’s a baby.’
I took the other photo out of my bag and waved it at him. ‘I was premature and almost bald. This baby’s heavier with jet black hair. I really meant it … this baby isn’t me.’
Luke sighed. ‘So your mum was tired after all the sleepless nights and labelled her photos wrong, or the lab gave her the wrong set of prints.’
‘And she never noticed they were of a different baby,’ I replied witheringly.
‘Babies change in a matter of days. They lose weight or put it on, their hair falls out …’
‘It’s not my face,’ I insisted. ‘That photo was hidden with the birth certificate and wristband for an important reason, and I can’t believe you haven’t seen the significance. The hospital gave me the clue.’
Luke seemed definitely grouchy now. ‘And what, Kat? You think you and Genevieve might have been born in the same maternity ward?’
I took a deep breath. ‘More than that. I know it sounds incredible … unbelievable and downright crazy, but … I think … it could be possible that … Mum took the wrong baby home from hospital.’
Luke had to pinch his nose and cover his mouth to drown out the sound of his laughter. After a few minutes he apologized to me. ‘Even I didn’t see that one coming. I’m supposed to be the journalist, into conspiracy theories and stuff.’
I wasn’t offended because I knew my idea was completely off the wall, but I tried to sound restrained and credible so he might take me seriously. ‘It’s the link between Genevieve, Mum and me. I was born in another city, a baby that has my name isn’t me, and Mum went white when I said the name Grace. This could be the answer to why Genevieve hates me.’
‘You know what you’re actually saying, Kat? Genevieve is your mum’s daughter and you’re … someone else’s.’
‘Suppose.’
‘Oh, and your mum knows all this. But why would she allow it to happen?’
‘Haven’t worked that out yet, but … you think it’s impossible?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘I think you’ve been reading too many trashy novels or watching too many American soaps.’
