by Leaona Luxx
“Hey, buddy. You stole my date,” Silas says. Thayer brought him over to us.
“I apologize, sir.” Chord bows. “Madame.” He presents my hand to Silas, and I clasp my chest to try to keep my heart from exploding.
Silas and I dance the night away, I push him all over the floor. Chord helps a few times before stepping back. Lea is here with her sons, and One is here with Elise. Thayer’s here with Holden.
All for me to have this special night with our son. One I’ll never be able to have with him, including a dance at his wedding. Chord has given us many things we might have missed; now, we’ll keep these memories forever.
“Have you two enjoyed your special evening?” Chord scoots closer to ask.
I lay my hand on his thigh. “I have, thank you.”
“How about you, Si? Have you had a good time?” Chord leans over to ask him.
He nods. “I have.”
“You tired, Si?” Silas nods again, and we decide to call it a night.
Chord stands, making a toast. “First, thank you. It means so much to us that you took this time to help us celebrate. This night was to honor the sacrifice mothers go through and the love only you can give. So thank you all. May we rise to your examples.”
I turn, kissing Silas. His sweet smile warms my soul. Turning to Chord, I press my lips to his, giving him another thank you. Chord makes our excuses, helping Silas into the car.
Once again, he carries Silas to bed, the way he has for all of these weeks, knowing our days are numbered. We lay in bed, watching Silas struggle for air. Chord’s hand reaches for mine, and we lace our fingers, praying.
“Sarah, baby wake up.” I open my eyes as Chord shakes me.
“What? What’s goin’ on?”
“Silas, I’ve called an ambulance.” I roll my head to get a look at him, he’s barely breathing. “You have clothes on the end of bed.
I stagger up, the room spinning. I rip the shirt over my head, pulling on the one Chord set out. I jerk my pants on and slide into my shoes. I turn back to Chord, and it’s like a rock drops into my stomach.
Silas lays on the bed, his eyes not open and his body limp. Chord is all over the place, packing a bag, then runs down to open the door for the paramedics. I climb on to the bed with Silas, holding his hand.
“Chord.” I swallow hard. “Chord.”
He rushes to me. “What?”
“Sit and hold your son’s hand, it could be the last time.” I choke on my words as bile rises in my throat.
He leans into me, wrapping an arm around me and holding our hands in his. When the emergency personnel show up, we ride in the back with Silas. We both refuse to leave his side.
Fortunately for us, today wasn’t his day. This time, when Chord climbs the stairs with Silas, he takes him to his bed. The doctor said it would be easier to do any medical checks on him. They’re coming to set up his equipment. He’s starting hospice.
Hospice. For a six-year-old little boy.
Fuck you, cancer.
I sit on the bathroom floor for hours, losing my shit until I can pull myself together. Chord? He sits beside our son’s bed, checking on me every few minutes or so, only to make sure I’m here.
I wash my face, vomit, and do it all over again. When I can handle to face life, I slowly trudge into Silas’ room. Chord has dozed off, holding Silas’ hand as he sleeps as well.
I crawl in bed with him, laying as close as safely possible. I watch them sleeping as the sun rises. I can’t close my eyes for fear of missing the last second this incredible human being has on earth.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Chord rubs his hand over his face.
I wave him off. “No, don’t. I have a feeling this is our life for the foreseeable future.”
“I’m gonna check on a recliner or something like that for in here.” He stretches. “Can I bring you anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
“I’ll be right downstairs, no more than ten minutes.” A line forms between his brows.
“We’ll be here, promise.” I force a smile.
His mouth pressed into a firm line, he hurries downstairs. I lay there, listening to Silas’ breathing machine. We were told it would be exchanged for a different machine this week, one that could sustain him longer.
I watch as his chest raises slightly before falling back down. What was once deep breaths, now shallow and fleeting. His skin transparent and blue veins are easily spotted. His lips dry and cracked. I need to find some lip balm when Chord gets back.
“Baby Boy, I’m not sure how your daddy and I are gonna let you go. Your daddy just got you and you’re all I’ve known for six years now.” I gasp. “Signing papers for your DNR and having people here for you, it’s more than I can bare. Your dad, he pretends to be strong but I can see it in his eyes. Please, we need more time.”
I’ve asked God for so much in my lifetime, I feel ashamed knowing what I do now. Those ridiculous requests pale in comparison to begging for my son’s life. I regret so many things, mistakes that I should’ve never made.
Is it too much to ask for his life to be spared? Am I paying for my past or is this a judgement of my parents’ sins? I don’t give a damn, I want my son. I want him happy and vibrant. I want him to live.
“Silas, I don’t want you to go.” My breath hitches, catching on the knot formed in my throat. “Please, stay.”
I position my ear against his side by his heart so I can hear it beat. I hold his hand on my cheek, smelling the little boy that’s left in him. Fresh air and soap, the best scent in the world.
“Baby?” Chord rubs my back.
I move my head. “He needs lip balm.”
“I’ll get it, tell me where.” His hand splays against my thigh.
“Nightstand. I have two, could you bring them both?”
“I’ll be right back.” Chord scurries from the room, returning in no time. “Here ya go.”
He places the balm in my hand, and I clasp on. “Stay with us.”
“I’m not going anywhere right now.” He lays beside me. “Sarah, I hadn’t thought about it but we’ll need to make arrangements.”
“Not yet.” I hold back a sob. “I’m sorry, I know you’ll probably be the one to do it, I just can’t talk about it right now.”
“I’m not doing it without you. I can’t, Sarah.” He trembles, I know he’s crying.
I sweep my finger over the balm, patting Silas’ lips with it. “Why do we have to watch him leave us? Witness his pain? It’s unfair.”
“Incredibly unfair.” Chord sniffles.
“Did I ever tell you his first word was dad?”
He sucks in a breath. “No. As much as he loves you, I figured it would’ve been mom.”
“Nope, dad.” I roll my head to look up at him. “Even then, he loved you.”
“I read that letter several times a week, and each time, I thought about whether we had a boy or a girl. Who they would favor or if they even would, maybe a good mix between the two of us.” His body twitches.
I grin. “Yeah, no, babe. He’s all you.”
“How lucky are we, Sarah? This extraordinary young man decided that we could be his parents,” he gasps, trying to hold back his tears.
“We’re the luckiest people in the world, Chord.”
“You people talk too much.” Silas giggles.
“Just saying how much we love you.” I kiss his cheek.
He sighs. “Am I going to heaven?”
Chord sits up, looking over my shoulder at him. “Why would you ask that, Si?”
“I’m sick. I had a drweam I was in heaven, watching you and momma.” He grins.
“We’re all going to heaven someday, buddy.” Chord tells him, making my heart seize.
His smile warms my heart. “See, momma. We’ll all be togetherw again one day.” He lays his hand on my face as he slowly nods off.
Chord and I hold him closer tonight, our hearts hurting but full of love.
Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, and days to weeks. He lingers because I’m selfish. Because I refuse to let him go. I hold onto him with every ounce of fight I have in me. I know I need to let him go. So tell me how to do that, why don’t you.
The equipment in his room is a glaring reminder of the life we’re losing. The sounds making sleep impossible; can you imagine trying to find a little peace? The whoosh and swirls going nonstop. The bleep of his heart, the only sound that doesn’t annoy me.
I no longer lay in the bed with him, his breathing machine is finicky. Chord bought a recliner and put it in the corner next to the bed. I can still touch him, but I’m not close enough. I can’t hear his heartbeat from here.
When Chord sleeps, he lays on a sleeping bag on the floor by my feet so he can be near both of us. He’s never too far away, always watching over us. Our hearts all too conscious of the fact our son is leaving.
We’re by his side, twenty-four hours a day. Well, Chord has to take care of things around the house, but then he comes back. I don’t give a fuck if the place falls in. I’d love to call this some fancy name, like insomnia, but everyone knows it’s a death watch.
I fucking hate cancer.
It’s ripping my child apart, and I’m losing my mind. I’ve traced every inch of his body so I don’t forget a thing. All these years I dreamed we would be the happy ones, the people who had this amazing life.
Here it is, wrapped up in breathing machines and pain medicine. I find myself crying hysterically for a minute and then, I’m talking to him as if he hears me and is going to answer the next.
“Sarah?” Chord runs his hand over mine. “You need to eat.”
I glower at him. “No, I’m not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten since yesterday.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Please, Sarah?”
My face scrunches as I fight tears. “No, Chord. I’m not hungry.”
He kneels in front of me, tears brimming. “Baby, please. I can’t lose you both.”
My chest ruptures as a sob escapes. “I can’t.”
“Maybe later.” His heart is as broken as mine, and all he does is to keep trying when I don’t want to.
We sit for long hours, moving only when we can’t sit there another minute. Chord tends to pace, I stare into space. Even as I help Silas, it’s automatic. I want to be here, in the present, but my mind tends to protect itself.
Silas’ body begins to stop fighting. His breathing shallow and labored. We watch day and night, wanting the last minutes of his life to be with us. His little body sensing time is near, slowly gives up.
“Mister Hamilton?” We both turn to stare at his nurse. “It’s time to call the family in.”
The fissure in my chest opens as if an earthquake has it. I can’t catch my breath, Chord’s arms are around me, cradling me. Loving me. Willing me to breathe. I gasp, dragging air into my desolate lungs.
“I’ll call them. Thank you, Andrea,” Chord croaks, and his body quakes as he faces the inevitable.
“I’ll be downstairs.” She leaves us with our dying son.
My head shakes of its own accord. “No! Not now! I won’t let him go. I can’t let him go, Chord! Please, please don’t make me.” I fall to my knees.
“I’m sorry. Dear God, I’m so sorry, Sarah.” He holds me in the floor, rocking me.
“God! Please, we haven’t had enough time!” I scream as Chord’s hold on me keeps me grounded.
“Oh, Sarah. I’m so sorry I failed you both.” Chord cries.
My heart seizes as I hold onto what sense of being I have left. Chord’s arms tighten around me, the air in my lungs evaporates. God, please. I beg you, please. “I can’t, Chord. I thought I could live without him, but I can’t. Don’t make me.” I fist his shirt.
“Sarah, baby. Shhhh, don’t say that. Please.” Chord struggles for words. “Hold on to me, do you hear me, Sarah. Hold on to me.”
I nod, staring into his eyes as he loses all hope. I know his hurt only mirrors mine, we’re losing the tie that binds us. Chord’s heartache is written on his face, our world is crumbling and he can’t save us.
He takes his phone out, hitting a button. “One,” he chokes “it’s time.” His words a garbled mess as he hangs up the phone. He picks me up, sheltering me from the world. We hold our son’s hand, waiting.
“Luke?”
“There’s no way he can make it in time, baby. I’m sorry.” Chord’s tears streak his face.
A few minutes later, we hear the doorbell, followed by footsteps on the stairs. One comes around the corner, looking like he ran from his house to get here. His arms, no bigger than Chord’s, find a way to wrap us in his love. Our tears fall as our hearts break into a million pieces.
Slowly, the rest of the family begins to show up and before we know it, Silas is surrounded with all the love his little heart can hold. I look around the room, knowing his cup runneth over.
Cal kneels at Silas’ bedside, kissing him. “Hey, little man. The day you tiptoed into our home, peeking from behind your mom, you stole my heart. Those big blue eyes, just like your father’s, took my breath away. I knew you were ours, and nothing has made me happier. Being your grandpa was a pleasure, knowing you an honor. I love you, Silas.” I squeeze Chord’s hand as my chest heaves, his body trembling.
Elise replaces him as he stands by her side, clutching her hand. “Silas, baby. Grandmother’s not sure she can do this.” She sweeps her finger over his cheek. “You were the perfect grandson. Your spirit shone through from the first smile, your heart willing to love and doing so without prejudice. I will never be the same, Silas. Your life has changed mine, forever. I love you.”
Chord’s body stiffens as One and Thayer kneel beside their nephew. Thayer taking his free hand, One holding her close. “Silas, I’m going to miss your laughter. Oh, how it brightened the room. Your love of life escaping as rays of sunshine into our lives, making us all better people. I love you.” Thayer’s body doubles with grief.
One leans over, almost whispering, “Hey, buddy. I never had the chance to tell you how much like your parents you are. Stubborn like your mom, hardheaded just like your dad. But a blessing, just as they are. You are and always will be missed. Our hearts forever marked by your love.”
Chord and I sit vigil by his side. Counting the breaths, praying as we wait for the next. Our family moving from room to room. Waiting as we do for the world to stop turning as the sun goes dark.
A tug in the pit of my stomach beckons to me. I scoot closer to Silas, laying my head across from his. Though my vision is blurry, I fight the pain in my chest and sing to Silas.
“Standing next to him is like standing next to a thousand suns, not a cluster of stars could outshine. I knew that a part of him belonged to the world, but the world that is within him, is all mine.”
“Silas, I love you,” Chord whispers.
Silas’ chest raises as his breath expels, his body falls limp. Another shallow breath as if he’s fighting leaving us, slowly dropping, as our hopes crash with his lungs. His final breathe, strong and deep, like our love for him, plummets. He’s leaving us.
A sob, rupturing my heart, breaks free. I scream his name, “SILAS!” expelling the air in my lungs as they burn. The cavity in my chest, devoid of life. His death causes a fracture so deep in my soul, my chest feels as if it’s split open.
I scream, praying I lay here and die with my son. There was nothing before and nothing beyond, I am lost. Chord embraces me as I feel every second ticking by that my son is not alive.
Chord’s grip tightens on me as he tries to hold me from leaving like our son has. My eyes focus on Silas, my baby. He’s gone. A sound springs forth, guttural, as it rumbles through my body ripping me in half.
“Sarah. Sarah! Breathe, god damnit. Sarah!” Chord shakes me until I wheeze. Air fills my cavernous vessel, forcing me to breathe again. I wail as grief consumes me.
“Chord?” I’m decimated.
“Oh, baby.” His arms encase me, saving me from near death. Cheating me of peace.
I’m not sure how long we sit there beside him. It’s Cal who takes the task in hand to help us move. “Chord, Sarah, they need to come get him.”
They? Who? No! “Chord?” I search his eyes for answers, but it’s One that does.
“The paramedics,” One’s voice quivers.
“No. Not yet, we need a little more time.” Chord’s body vibrates. “Dad, please? A few more minutes. Please?” His words, my thoughts.
“Oh, son. A few more.” Cal’s hands shake as he leans against the wall.
Chord pulls me up beside him. He leans forward, kissing Silas’ forehead. Then he places a soft kiss over his heart. “I love you. Please know that I love you.”
I lay my head against his, tears soaking his pillow. “Momma loves you, baby boy. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’ll love you, always.” I press my lips to his.
Chord drags a long, ragged breath in. He stands, bringing me with him. He leans down, sliding his arm around my legs. He holds me to his chest, as we leave Silas behind. I look back, reaching for him as my chest breaks open again.
He carries me downstairs, sitting me on his lap on the couch. My back to the stairwell so they can take our son. Chord’s arms are locked around me, the only thing holding me together.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Sarah.” Chord’s words become a mantra to my soul.
I hold onto his words to keep from falling further into the depths of this living hell. You’re told all the time, you have no clue how I feel. I pray no mother feels the way I do in this moment.
The house, once a flurry of activity, is now quiet with only the sound of a whimper. So soft, yet full of pain, the noise makes me shudder. The suffering one must feel at the hands of agony to release discomfort must be tormenting.
“So many things left to do. To say. Did I tell him I loved him enough?” Chord crushes me to his chest, weeping.
“He loved you most.” His words, fleeting as they are, mean so much.
“I can’t, Chord. I can’t live without him.”
“I wish I could take your pain.” He trembles with sobs of his own hurt.
