by Leaona Luxx
I close my eyes, banishing the forming tears. When I open my eyes, a blonde is all up on him. He steps away, glancing toward my direction. She runs her hand over his chest, and he catches her by the wrist, pushing her away.
She’s all over him and all I can think is we just came from our son’s grave, can’t they fucking wait? I’m in sweatpants, Chord’s hoodie, and dirty track shoes. My hair’s greasy and in a knotted mess on top of my head. I haven’t showered in days but to hell with this. I haul ass out of the SUV before I can stop myself.
“Get your fuckin’ hands off him,” I growl, headed straight for her ass.
“What is this?” Dumbass blonde points at me with her red-tipped finger.
“I’m about to show you what the hell I am, now you can move your hand or pull back a fucking nub, bitch.” I push the sleeves of my sweatshirt up.
Chord steps between us when I lunge at her. “Sarah, what the fuck?”
“Straighten the trash out, Chord,” the blonde talking ass says.
“Yes, Chord. Please, straighten me out.” I glare at him, fury raging through me.
“Kimberly, this is my... “ He swallows hard. “...the mother of my son. Don’t talk to her that way.”
Now, I’m just the mother of his son? I thought he said I was his wife? “Oh, I see.” I narrow my eyes at him. “This is one of your fuck buddies, right?” My words teem with venom.
He blanches, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. “Can we please go?”
“She is.” My face flames. “You fucked her while you were pretending to be madly in love with me and I was raising our son,” I yell, flailing my arms.
“Damn right he did, he fucked me well.” She leers. My stomach turns at the thought of him with her.
“Kimberly!” Chord wheels around, growling her name.
“Kimberly, is it?” My heart shattered, I fight for saving face. “Here’s the thing, you can fuckin’ have him. I’m goddamn over fighting for him. Take him and keep him the fuck away from me.” Tears stream down my face as Chord turns to me, his brows pulled low and tight.
“You don’t mean that, Sarah.” His lip quivers, but I’m in ‘protect me mode’.
“The hell I don’t.” I whirl around, climbing in the SUV, ready to get the fuck out of here.
He spins, never looking at the bitch again. He’s in the car and burning tires out of the lot. He drives like a bat out of hell back to the house. I jump out before he’s completely stopped, slamming the door behind me.
“What the fuck was that?” he growls, hurrying to meet me. I stand impatiently, while he opens the door.
“You heard me.” I storm past him.
“I’m sorry we’re always running into them, Sarah. It’s not planned.” He throws his arms in the air.
“I’m sorry we’re always running into them too.” I whirl around. “I’m sorry that I ever loved you. That I didn’t fuck every dick who hit on me, so I could erase the pain of your memory. And most of all...”
“Don’t, Sarah.” He lowers his voice.
“Don’t, what?” I cock my head. “Don’t. What?” I grind my teeth.
“Do not bring him into this, this is between us.” His jaw sets.
“He’s always been in the middle of this. That’s the only reason you tried to find me.” I clench my teeth, knowing it’s not true.
“Speaking of finding people, have you ever heard of a fucking computer? You couldn’t walk to a library to look me up?” He stabs his finger at me.
“I’m sorry I was raising our son and couldn’t run all over the damn place to find you. What about the letters y’all had sent back?” I spit at him with disdain.
“They were marked ‘return to sender’, the post office did it, not us.” He shakes his head as my temper flares. “Don’t you dare act as if I didn’t want to be with you.”
“Oh, you did. After you fucked everything in town. Couldn’t you keep your dick in your pants two damn minutes?” I pin him with a glare.
“I guess we both had a problem keeping our pants on, didn’t we?” he fires back.
“I was taking care of our son as best I could, thank you.” I fold my arms in defense, that shit hurt. I will my tears to not fall.
“Don’t bring him into this, this is about us,” he grunts.
“Don’t bring him into this? I’m not surprised, you’ve already forgotten about him.” I glare as my stomach knots.
“Forgotten about who? Silas?” His brows knit. “You’ve lost your damn mind,” he yells.
“Really? Why are his things boxed up outside? Why haven’t you stayed with me in his bed? You want to forget him!” I scream.
“Of all the fuckin’ insane things to say, I’ll never forget him! It was shit I couldn’t take staring at alone!” he yells, leveling me.
“Alone? Where the fuck do you think I’ve been?” I pound my chest.
“In bed, pretending to be asleep instead of being with me!”
“Being with you? It’s my fault I’m mourning and not stuck up your ass while you pack him in boxes because you can’t stand the sight of his memory?” I blast him, bile rising in my throat.
“Someone had to do something. All you’ve done is lay in bed.” He narrows his eyes.
“You’ve always taken care of everything, what the fuck was there to do, Chord? You just do it,” I spit at him. “And you stopped coming to me not wanting to help.”
“Yeah, I take care of everything because that’s what I do. I never wanted to mourn him.” He throws his hands in the air. “And by the way, you call that shit mourning? Funny, it looked like you were the one dying, laying there letting it kill you when all the while... I fucking needed you! I’m mourning our son too.” His face distorts.
I flinch, squeezing my eyes shut. I could have sworn my heart was already broken. I guess we do learn something new every day. I back away slowly, my brows furrowed, my chest concaved.
I spin, taking the stairs two at a time. I run to Silas’ room, slamming the door behind me. I lock it and the bathroom door.
What just happened? This isn’t love. It’s definitely not our love.
I hate myself the minute Sarah runs upstairs. This went too far, we said things we never should have. I didn’t mean half of what I said, and the rest was too harsh. I’m hurt, and I took it out on her.
“I need a drink.” I pull the cabinet door open and grab Jack, pouring two fingers. I replace the lid, swirling the amber in the glass. “What the fuck did I do?” I slam the drink back.
Pouring another two fingers, I don’t contemplate this one, I down it. A rumble builds deep in the pit of my stomach, it rolls and dives until it forces its way out. I fist my hair as I break, falling to my knees.
“How could I hurt her like that?” I elbow the cabinet, unable to contain myself. I lean back, sitting against the base. I’m not sure I can break further, the pieces are unrecognizable. I have to beg her forgiveness.
I push up from the floor, drying my face as I amble to the stairs. My breathing labored, I stagger up the steps, heavy from the weight of my guilt. I walk over to Silas’ door, turning the handle to find it’s locked.
My heart crashes to the ground, burning in flames. I touch the door, contemplating knocking. I drop my hand, walking away. I fall into bed, exhausted. Thoughts swirl until the morning hours when I can’t fight anymore and sleep takes me.
As day breaks, so does my head. I wake up with a pounding headache, and I’ll not mention how my eyes feel. Damn, if guys knew how this hurt, we’d never make a girl cry again.
I drag ass into the bathroom, splash water on my face, and brush my teeth. I might not smell so fresh but my breath will. I traipse through the house, tapping on her door. “Sarah?”
I try again, tapping a little harder. “Sarah?” I wrap the handle, twisting the knob. As I swing the door open, I find an empty bed. I check the bathroom, she’s not there. I bolt downstairs, searching everywhere.
Grabbing my phone, I call her.
No answer. I try again with the same result. I shoot her three quick texts, praying she’ll answer.
Sarah, where are you?
I need to know you’re okay.
I’m sorry.
Ten minutes. I sit here, stone-faced and dumbfounded. I jolt, bounding from the couch. I run upstairs, looking for her clothes. She’s taken some, and her bag isn’t here.
She’s gone.
“No fucking way.” I fist my hands as the pang in my stomach turns from fear to rage. It races through my body, like an inferno. A tremor shakes me to my core, the shock of my present state, throwing me off balance.
I stumble, falling against the wall and sliding down to the floor. I fist my hair, screaming, “How could you?” I elbow the wall as I kick the chair over that she used for my birthday.
“That damn chair.” Fuming, I drag my ass up, wrapping my hand around it and flipping it over. I bust the damn thing against the wall. Gritting my teeth, I growl, “Why in the hell would you leave?”
I throw the leg, shattering the mirror across the room. “FUCK!” Turning, I pick the end of our bed up, flipping it over. My nostrils flare as my body acts as a conduit for the fury that’s building in my gut.
I kick the bedpost, cracking it. The fracture splinters the wood, reminding me of the pain in my chest. I grab the top piece, ripping the appendage out as I would my heart if I could get it out of my chest.
“How could you leave me like this?” I swing the wood like a ballbat, smashing the lamp on the nightstand. Pieces fly through the air like a rocket. I stomp the other post, busting it apart.
I kick the footboard, breaking it in half, then I hammer away on it with my makeshift battering ram. I upend the mattress, smashing through the box springs and tearing them apart. By the time my rampage is finished, I’ve demolished our bedroom with my bare hands.
My arms fall to my side as I drop my club; the damage is done and in more ways than one. I ball my hands up, hitting my head. “What the fuck have you done?” I berate myself.
I storm from the room, taking out part of the bannister on my way down with one final kick. My breathing labored, I swallow hard, doing my best to calm down. I turn to the kitchen, grabbing the Jack and a glass.
Rolling my neck, I trudge to the couch and fall onto it. I pour three fingers and throw it back, burning as it goes down to my rotting soul. I dump another glass full, tipping it back.
“What the actual fuck, Sarah?” I hurl the glass through the air, and it hits the fireplace, disintegrating.
“Well, that answers two questions.” One fists his hands on his side.
“What fuckin’ questions?” I snarl at him, chugging the dark amber from the bottle.
He walks closer, stopping to peer up the stairs. He cuts his eyes to me, taking a few more steps. “If Sarah left and how you are.”
“How do you know?” I growl.
“Thayer seen a taxi leave after Hardy left for work.”
“Yeah, she fuckin’ left,” I spit at him, taking another swig as he cocks his brow. “Like she did before, without a word. Like I’m nothing. No one to her.”
His chest rises, falling hard with his deep breath. “What happened?”
I flop back on the couch, curling my calming juice in my arm. “We ran into Kimberly after leaving the cemetery. At least, that’s where it started.” I take another pull of my friend Jack.
“Well, I suppose that was a shit show.” He folds his arms. “Go on,” he prompts me.
I wave my hand in the air. “That’s when we said all kinds of stuff, and I yelled at her. And I hurt her. And now, she hates me.” I lift the bottle, shaking it to see how much is left.
“You do realize it’s eight in the morning.” He narrows his eyes at me, disapproving of my medicinal needs.
“Fuck it. I don’t give a damn. I give the fuck up!” shouting at the top of my lungs.
He walks over, sitting down across from me. “This isn’t helping a damn thing, Chord.”
“You know what, fuck you. I’m so sick of you and Thayer and your perfect goddamn lives.” I hurl the bottle at the fireplace, alcohol and glass flies through the air. “I have nothing. Nothing!”
One cocks his brow, he doesn’t even flinch. Shit! He holds his finger up, pulling his brows tight. “That’s the only one you get.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” I sit up, resting my elbows on my knees. “I tried to tell her, I did. But she was so mad, she kept picking at me and then Kimberly showed up. Sarah flipped shit, got out threatening her and suddenly, she said she could have me.”
“Why would she leave?” One leans in, listening.
“We both said things, One. She blamed me, I accused her of giving up. I mean, damnit, all of it was a long time ago.” I rub my hand over my face, trying to dry it.
“Things y’all should’ve said from the beginning.” He nods.
“Yeah, things that don’t matter now. But when I told her I needed her, she just left.” I shake my head as I stand and stagger into the kitchen. Throwing the door back, I take the Vodka out.
“You’ve had enough.” One takes it from me, and I turn on him.
“You have no fucking clue how much I’ve had enough!” I get up in his face. I just messed the hell up.
One pins me with his ire. “Let me tell you right now, you best get a hold of your ass before I do.”
“I’m sorry.” Fuck! “I’m dying. I’ve lost everything, man. I’ve lost everything.”
My brother proves to me why he’s the best. “No doubt, baby brother. Not a doubt.” He fists my shirt, hauling me to him as I lose my mind. He holds me, supporting me like only a brother can.
“Damn.” I roll over, holding my head.
“Headache?” One pokes at my side as I nod. “Hurt much?” I nod again. “That’s what your dumbass gets for gettin’ drunk at eight in the morning.” He hands me a glass of water and two Advil’s.
I hold them up, propping up on my elbow. “Point taken, thank you.”
“Now, we’re gonna talk. Because Hadlea loves your ass and I don’t want you to try this shit again.” He sits, crossing his legs. Just like Dad used to do.
“I thought you already kicked my ass?” I close my eyes, praying this will be over quickly.
“You may prefer that to this, I can tell you that right now.” I peek at him as he leers at me. I drag my ass up, resting my face in my hands.
“Alright, let me have it because I’m sure I don’t hate myself enough.” I curl my hand at him, waving him on.
“Death breaks people in different ways. Sometimes, the pieces resemble. Most of the time, the pieces are nothing alike. Trying to figure out how to put yourself together again when none of the pieces fit is hard enough.
“You and Sarah were trying to do it for each other, when you weren’t whole yourselves. You have to fix yourself first or you’ll never be of help to your spouse.” One leans forward. “Fix yourself.”
“When she left six years ago, no one knows what I went through but you. She thinks I fucked around to forget her. Not one time did she ask how I made it. Not once, One.” I shake my head as my face flames.
“Did you ask her how she made it? Raising a child as a stripper must’ve been real peachy.” He pulls his brows down.
I narrow my eyes at him. “I more than realize she had a hard time. It’s the reason I wanted to take care of them, and look where that got me.”
“Chord, I remember how broken you were when she left. Days in bed, you gave up on college. Did you even tell her that’s why you were just getting a degree two years later? Because you couldn’t go to college without her.” He cocks his brow. “I didn’t think so.”
“I know everyone thought we were crazy for jumping back in head first but, One, we love each other. Honest to God, love to the core. Good and bad, poor or rich. I love that girl more than my own life.” I pound my chest, trying to start my heart.
He nods. “So what happened?”
I stand, pacing. “
I accused her of lying in bed, wanting to die instead of being with me when I needed her most.” I fold my arms, waiting for his judgement.
“Chord, men love differently than women.”
“Tell me about it.” I flop onto the couch.
“We love in black and white. There’s the right side and the wrong side. Women love in black, white, and gray. They’ll find every avenue to make love work, rarely will a man. Women are fixers, they’ll do anything, including going to the gray area to get it. In the gray area, they’ll find a happy medium and love us forever, faults and all.”
“I live in the gray area.” I shrug.
“How so?” This time, he crosses his arms.
“Sarah never had to ask, I knew her so well I just did it. Whatever it was she needed, I did it without her asking. I tried every way to love her the way she needed to be loved, always have,” I grumble.
“Did you ever tell her you needed her? Well, except for the argument.”
“No, I was happy to take care of her. It wasn’t until after losing Silas, I realized I needed her more than I’d ever admit.” I drop my head.
“I get it, you think if she had loved you, like you do her, she should’ve known what you needed.” I nod. “But I thought all you needed was her.”
Fuck me. “It is,” I mumble. “Well, it was.”
“How so?” His brows knit.
“What if she tells me she doesn’t love me after all? It’s been six years, maybe we’ve changed more than we first thought. What if she stays gone six months? I can’t live like I once did. What if I can’t trust her again? What if I don’t believe in our love anymore?” I fight the tears rolling down my face. “What if I’m afraid of losing her for good and prefer to protect myself, my heart, this time? What if she comes back and leaves again? I’ll not live through it, not after losing Silas.” I fall back into the couch, drying my face.
“What if she comes back and you lose her forever because you’re afraid?” One nails me.
“I’m not sure I’ll survive her either way.” I would say my heart breaks again, but I think it’s just the pain of my cold, dead soul.
