Usually, most people who are able to do this were raised within a family that encouraged them to speak their mind. My best friend in Chicago was raised in a family that taught her to speak up about everything, and have debates at every dinner because their parents read that’s what the Kennedys did. If my friend’s dad caught her saying yes to something she didn’t want to do, he would shout, “I know you don’t want to do that, tell the person no. Stand up for yourself.” So my BFF Julie went on to grow up into a telling-you-what-she-thinks-all-the-time kinda girl. I became friends with her twenty years ago and was drawn to this quality I never had. She was the one that would tell guys to “leave Jenny alone” because I couldn’t tell the guy no. She would pick up the phone and make me call my boyfriend on spring break and tell him the truth about being at a party and not a movie. I was raised to lie to protect people’s feelings, and to be submissive and surrender my opinion so other people felt good about themselves. Doing otherwise is still something I have a hard time with, but every day I practice to get better at it.
But back to Julie. Even though she carried the ability to say no so easily, she lost many jobs as a result of speaking her mind. Julie had to learn something called an “open mind” that her father didn’t teach her when debating at the kitchen table. She was taught that you find an opinion, you stick to it, and you fight for it. Her relationships were suffering because she was as unbalanced as me, but in the other direction. She’s in couples therapy right now, learning that when you win an argument, it doesn’t always mean you were right.
Julie pointed out something about me the other day that made me go “Hmmmmm.” She said, “I think because you have been so submissive your whole life, I don’t think you know who the hell you are.” I was stunned for a second, but realized that Julie was just telling it like it is. She was right. I have been so much the “okay” and “yes” girl that I have a hard time giving my opinions on things. I always learned to go with whatever the majority says. I would even borrow opinions from friends and boyfriends about who I should like best on American Idol.
My most recent experiment with an honest no happened only this past spring. I went to my friend Chelsea’s book party and while I was there, I saw Cloris Leachman waving me over. I walked over to her table, and she shouted, “I just wanted to meet you.” I responded with, “Thanks, it’s really nice to meet you, too.” She said, “I need to have your phone number.” I stood there for a long uncomfortable twenty seconds and responded with a sweet smile and the word “No.” Normally I would have said, “Okay,” as usual, but why the heck would I give her my number? I don’t know her, and it was awkward. She responded with, “Well, I just want it.” For most of you who watched her on Dancing with the Stars, I think you will agree that she was a real hoot on that show … but not someone you want calling you at night to shoot the shit. I had to muster up the strength to say kindly, “Well, I don’t like giving my number out, but it was really nice meeting you,” and then I walked away. I was so proud of myself for being able to give a loving no, and Cloris seemed fine with my final answer. (She very well could have flipped me the bird behind my back, of course, but what you don’t know can’t hurt you.)
Anyway, for all you “yes, okay, sure, I don’t mind,” people out there, I hope this chapter will give you a little insight to just try an honest no. See how it feels. It might do your relationships—and your health—a lot of good.
[13]
Breaking Up: How Do You Know When It’s Over?
It’s impossible to write this chapter without correlating it to my last relationship. So I plan on interviewing people on why they broke up and how they knew it was over. Sorry, I won’t kiss and tell about my last relationship, but my friends will spill the beans on theirs…
My friend Kim had been married to a man for six years. She had a child with him and for the most part was head-over-heels at the beginning of the relationship. Then the phone calls began, with her bitching and moaning about how annoying he was. I decided to sit down with her to ask how she knew it was over.
JENNY: Bitch, what happened to your marriage?
KIM: (Laughs.) Looking back at my relationship, I have to say that I stayed in the relationship two years too long.
JENNY: Did you try counseling?
KIM: Yes, but there was so much resentment toward each other that the odds were not good. The damage was too deep. We tried to see each other’s perspective, but it got to the point where we were just not able to move past our grievances.
JENNY: You said that you stayed in the relationship two years too long. What was happening two years ago that started to give you signals that the relationship was on its way out?
KIM: Um … well… I couldn’t stand the way he chewed his food, and when he would touch me, my skin would crawl. We never kissed anymore, not that I wanted to—he was lazy and would not help me with the baby, which made me hate him even more.
JENNY: If this were going on for the last two years, why would you stay in it?
KIM: Fear of being on my own. I have a kid and was a stay-at-home mom. We barely made ends meet together, and the idea of splitting up half of nothing terrified me.
JENNY: So … then obviously something must have happened where your happiness became more important than your bank account.
KIM: You know, I started reading books that opened my mind into thinking that things might actually be okay if I chose happiness. All those “everything happens for a reason” and “everything happens for the best reason possible” books made me take a chance.
JENNY: So when you told Mike you wanted a divorce, what happened?
KIM: He lost his shit and threatened to get custody of the child. I laughed at him because he doesn’t even know our pediatrician’s name or the brand of chicken nuggets our child likes. I told him we could share custody, but I’m out and that’s it.
JENNY: So did he leave or you leave?
KIM: He left and I stayed in the house until we sold it and split the money. Then I asked my mom to move out from Iowa and help me with my kid so I could get a job. I started teaching yoga again, which I love to do more than anything in the world, and recently I just got an offer to open up my own studio.
JENNY: Do you look back now and think, “Holy shit, I did it”?
KIM: Yes, and I don’t want to act like it was all peaches and cream after the split. It was hard, and I felt very alone at times, but I trusted that good things were ahead and kept my thoughts there.
JENNY: Watching you go through this was tough. The majority of women I asked who were still in miserable marriages wouldn’t leave out of fear of money and their kids. You’re a really good example of trusting your instincts and having faith in a better outcome. I love ya, bitch.
KIM: Well, if you really love me you’ll do a yoga DVD with me someday.
JENNY: I’d rather do a beer-chugging DVD. I’m much better at it.
To be fair, I hunted a guy down to get his perspective on how he knew his relationship was over. His name is Kevin (no, it’s not, but I have to use a fake name). Kevin wasn’t married, but he’d been in a relationship for seven years and recently called it quits. He is a friend of a friend of a friend, so his story was new to me, too.
JENNY: I hate that you’re hot.
KEVIN: Why?
JENNY: Because I’m gonna want to make out with you.
Kevin looked at me strangely, not getting my humor.
JENNY: I’m kidding. (I kinda wasn’t.) So, tell me what happened in your relationship and how you decided it was over.
KEVIN: It wasn’t fun anymore. It was as simple as that. I realized you can come up with a zillion reasons why things went bad, but the easiest thing to realize is that if you’re not having fun in life, change your life.
JENNY: So … did you dump her?
KEVIN: We both knew it was over. The fights became so bad. She was moody and wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do.
(Wow, I was totally digging this guy’s
point of view. So guy-ish.)
JENNY: Out of curiosity, what didn’t she let you do?
KEVIN: She would bitch at me when I wanted to hang with my friends, but after working all week I needed some guy time. Then she started getting careless about sex and whined more than talked.
JENNY: What made you stay in it for seven years?
KEVIN: Well, it really only got bad in the last four years.
JENNY: What made you stay in a shitty relationship for four more years?
KEVIN: I kept thinking it might change. And so many people bitched about their relationships, so I thought it was normal.
JENNY: Then what made you say, No more?
KEVIN: I wanted to feel happy again, and together we were miserable. I also thought about my life and that I’m thirty-seven, and never pictured myself to be as miserable as I was. I think all you have to do is ask yourself that question, “Am I happy?”
JENNY: Again, just out of curiosity, not trying to probe [yes, I am] … do you blame her for your unhappiness?
KEVIN: Um… Well, I know I was a prick sometimes, too. But she did most of the complaining.
JENNY: But I bet you were really great at ignoring.
KEVIN: How did you know that?
JENNY: (Laughs.) Well, if one person does all the complaining, the other one usually has to do the ignoring.
KEVIN: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
JENNY: So what lesson did you learn out of this?
KEVIN: Don’t stay in something so long if you’re miserable.
JENNY: As I’m sure you know, I am no longer in a relationship. In ending it, I learned that if I blame any partner for my unhappiness in the relationship, I lose the lesson from it. Do you feel you could look inward and see that everything had to do with you?
KEVIN: Um, no.
JENNY: Okay, well then, let me bring up when you said, “She got careless about sex.” That’s true?
KEVIN: Yep.
JENNY: Can you put an “I” in place of the “she” and repeat it back to me?
KEVIN: I… got careless about sex?
JENNY: Yep. Name three reasons why that’s true.
KEVIN: (Sitting there, dumbfounded.) Um … I wouldn’t go down on her anymore cuz she annoyed me.
JENNY: That sounds careless to me. Two more …
KEVIN: She would only get horny when she ovulated, and I wouldn’t have sex with her to piss her off and to make her see what it felt like when I wanted sex and she said no.
JENNY: That sounds pretty careless to me. One more …
KEVIN: Why are you doing this to me?
JENNY: Sorry, it’s just the tools I used from Byron Katie at www.thework.com, and I think it will be helpful for the book. You’re doing well. Just one more. You can do it.
KEVIN: Um … [Thinking now while two minutes pass.] I don’t know if I want the next one in the book.
JENNY: Well, then, I won’t put it in the book. [Hahaha.]
KEVIN: I would hold off coming just to make her work extra hard.
JENNY: Great job! [Asshole.] Now you can see that you were calling her what you found in yourself. So go make a list of everything that’s wrong with her and turn it around on yourself.
KEVIN: That sucks.
JENNY: It totally sucks, but it’s totally true. It’s amazing how much resentment and anger leaves once you do it, though.
I said good-bye to “Kevin,” and I’m sure he thought I was an asshole, but what I was saying is true. If I looked to blame my partner, I lost all the wonderful lessons my teachers (ex-boyfriends) reflected back to me. I think the message we can all take away from this is that the universe will only move you toward the direction of happiness if you listen to your emotions. And trust that everything that happens is for the best reason possible, even if it is saying good-bye to someone you deeply loved.
Part Two
LUST …
[14]
Fantasies: Our Secret Life
Have you ever planned a vacation or a big girls’ night out, and months before you had visions of how much fun it was going to be? You saw you and your friends dancing on the dance floor, shoving cheeseburgers in your face at four in the morning, and then puking everything up the next day. Then days before your big trip, you call your friends, saying, “It’s gonna rock!” because in your head it was already the best time ever! Then cut to the actual trip … and the hotel is under construction, you can’t get into any clubs, and your friend is on antibiotics so you have no one to drink with. The obvious point being, your fantasies are pretty much always better than the actual event.
Getting older, I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way. Sometimes fantasies are better off staying fantasies. As soon as we try to play something out in real life, our expectations of them are so high because we are counting on the end result to match the fantasy to perfection. Sexual fantasies are usually the biggest disappointments to play out. Why is that? I think it’s because they are so incredibly erotic in our imagination. There are no consequences, no guilt, no insecurities, when you’re imagining having sex with other people in your head. I’m sure we all have fantasized about having sex with one of our husband’s/boyfriend’s friends, and it totally got us off. But then having to actually go through with it would result in devastating consequences.
But why the need for fantasies? Aren’t our partners enough? Can’t we look at them and picture having sex with only them for the REST OF OUR LIVES? Ummm. I don’t think so.
In my “expert” opinion, fantasies help increase arousal and desire for more sex. My favorite foreplay is not having my boobs squeezed or even oral sex. It’s dirty fantasy talk. That’s how I can get in the mood. Then you’re welcome to squeeze my boob or go down on me. I think a lot of that has to do with women today being so busy: our minds are usually stuck on what groceries we need rather than sex. We need mental stimulation to divert us.
So is fantasizing actually a bad thing? Does it hurt the relationship? Some Web sites claim the reason people fantasize is that they are secretly unhappy in the relationship, or their spouse is not giving them what they need. I don’t know what eunuch wrote that, but I think it’s bull.
One fascinating aspect of fantasies is that they are so secretive. One of my favorite things to do is uncover things that people just don’t talk about, and fantasies make the top of the list. Go ahead and ask someone what he or she fantasizes about. The look on their face goes from embarrassment to changing the subject. We don’t even feel comfortable talking about our fantasies with our best friends. Why is that?
I think we are fearful that our friends will think we are too perverse. I mean, I know I come up with some pretty crazy scenarios, so I’m sure most of you do, too. But if you’re a schoolteacher, how do you tell your friend that you dream about the science teacher molesting you in the nurse’s room at the school? You don’t. You keep that in your secret dirty world. It’s even hard for me to tell any man about some of the twisted scenarios that I conjure up in my head. Sometimes I think, Jeez, Jenny, get a grip.
I surveyed both girls and guys on my Twitter account (which is @JennyMcCarthy) about what their most common fantasies were. I was amazed to hear what all of you girls had to say …
Doing Strangers
This isn’t really one of my favorites because, let’s face it, it’s more fun to imagine somebody we know cuz it’s naughtier. Even in romance novels they don’t say, “A stranger walked in and made mad passionate love to me.” It’s usually something much more perverse like the woman’s cousin she had been longing for her entire childhood. Don’t get me wrong; there have been many “faceless men” in my fantasies. But it had more to do with the scenario, like being tied up, than it had to do with a stranger walking in and having sex with me in the middle of the night. Strangers, just on their own, don’t really ring my bell.
Rape
Now here’s where a stranger could actually be useful. I have no idea why women even fantasize about this, but many have.
This is one fantasy, of course, you never want to have played out, but for some reason being forced to have sex is on the top of the naughty-naughty list for girls. If your man ever tries to play it out, it can come across as cheesy. “I’m here to rape you now, okay?” Just doesn’t seem like actual rapist talk. But if you want him to be a little more aggressive so your rape scenario works in your head, just tell him to throw you around the room and rip your clothes off. This is definitely a fantasy that you have to be in the mood for, otherwise you might punch your partner in the face. And that’s another fantasy altogether.
Orgy
The word orgy entered the English language in 1589, but orgies have been going on long before there was a name for them. Orgies were actually “normal” back in the old days. I shouldn’t use the word “normal,” I should say, “more accepted in society.” People would throw parties with alcohol, sacrifice an animal, and then they would all roll around in the bushes getting it on. The hippies brought “free love” back into society and made orgies a popular extracurricular activity again in the 1960s. The problem is, they also brought a rampant outbreak of STDs, not to mention out-of-control pubes and armpit hair. The only issue I have with the word orgy is that it immediately makes me think of the nude camps from those Real Sex episodes on HBO, the ones that show nudists with the ugliest, creepiest bodies you’ve ever seen. (Women who are seventy and have zucchini boobs hanging down to their toes should never be in an orgy, or at least not one that’s on TV.) Anyway, I think most people at one point have fantasized about rolling among a group of naked people. It’s erotic to think of limbs surrounding you, not knowing who you are kissing or who’s kissing you.
But as you get older, I highly suggest keeping your zucchinis to yourself and your partner.
Love, Lust & Faking It Page 6
