Because I am. In love, I mean. And the Boy told me he loves me too. He bought me a bracelet to say sorry. It’s so pretty. We’re meeting tonight. I told The Parents I’m at Best Mate’s house. I can’t face the questions. Mum’s been looking at me funny since last time we saw Mad Gran and she started going on about me seeing a boy. Seems Mad Gran does remember some of the things I say. I told Mum that was in the past. The Boy’s my secret, and I don’t feel like sharing him just yet.
So. That’s it. Last night. We finally did it. It wasn’t as special or as brilliant as I thought it might be. The Boy said it isn’t usually. He was kind though, and I felt so close to him afterwards. I wish we’d been somewhere romantic, not in the back of his pick-up truck. But he said he can’t take me home, and he couldn’t come to mine. But still, afterwards, it felt special, when he held me close and told me I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met.
Best Mate is still cross with me. She said I should have gone to the clinic. But I was too embarrassed, and didn’t like to ask The Boy about condoms. I mean, how do you have that conversation? Awkward.
Still, we’ve only done it once. That can’t hurt, right?
May
Chapter Thirteen
‘Can I have some money?’ Mel sauntered casually into the kitchen, where Cat was preparing a salad for the impromptu barbecue that she and Noel had decided to hold, given that it was a sunny afternoon. She was busy experimenting with marinades for the idea she was planning to pitch for next year’s Cat’s Country Summer. The local butcher did a mean line in minty lamb sauce and she’d been after him for ages to share some of his secrets; but somehow when she tried to recreate it, even with her own home grown mint, it never tasted the same.
‘What for?’ said Cat. ‘Didn’t Dad give you your allowance? And what about the money you earn from the caff?’
‘Spent it on school stuff,’ said Mel. ‘Which is why you need to pay me back.’
‘Such flawless logic,’ said Cat. ‘What school stuff?’
‘Oh, stuff for art,’ said Mel vaguely. ‘So can I?’
‘What do you need it for? And haven’t you got revision?’ Mel’s GCSEs were starting the following week, and while grudgingly Cat had noticed she’d done a lot more work than for her mocks, she was still fretting that Mel hadn’t done enough.
‘Cinema, and I’ve done all my revision for today,’ said Mel, rolling her eyes.
‘Are you sure?’ said Cat.
‘Sure,’ said Mel. ‘You know the teachers are always telling us we need to relax too. I will revise tomorrow I promise. Thanks Mum. I love you.’
With that, Mel grabbed the note that Cat had found in her purse and ran off.
‘Who are you going with– ?’ Cat said to a slammed door.
‘How does she do that?’ Cat said to Noel who was just getting sausages and burgers out of the freezer.
‘Who? Do what?’
‘Mel. She’s just conned twenty quid out of me, and I have no idea where she’s going or who with.’
‘She’s gone out with Andy,’ piped up Paige.
‘How do you know? Did Mel tell you?’ Unlikely, Cat felt.
‘Because Mel’s mate Karen’s sister Maisie is in my class, and apparently Karen is always moaning to Maisie how Mel never has time for her anymore since she’s started going out with Andy.’
‘But I thought Andy was history,’ said Cat, which was the last version of events Mel had seen fit to furnish her with.
‘Oh, that’s old news,’ said Paige airily. ‘Andy changed his mind, and now they’re an item.’
‘Oh are they?’ said Cat. ‘I’d really really like to meet this Andy.’
‘And breathe,’ said Noel coming up behind her and giving her a tickly kiss on the back of her neck. ‘She’s a teenage girl. We need to give her some privacy.’
‘I know,’ sighed Cat, wishing she could be as relaxed about things as Noel was. ‘I just wish we knew more about him.’
‘Well, we don’t,’ said Noel. ‘So let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. You know what teenagers are like. He’ll be old news in a couple of weeks.’
Cat smiled and returned to her minty lamb sauce, before moving on to a couscous salad. While she did so Noel got going on the barbecue with help from James. It was funny watching them together. Noel automatically took charge of the barbecue, his only concession to cooking properly, while James subtly took over the hard work of frying sausages and burgers, occasionally saying things like, ‘Dad, you know it isn’t obligatory to have charcoal with your sausages,’ until Noel threatened to ban him from the barbie. It was a sunny afternoon, and they had a pleasant family time in the garden, which was only hampered by Cat’s nagging disquiet about Mel. By six p.m., there was no sign of her.
‘She went out at one,’ said Cat. ‘This is getting ridiculous.’
‘Phone?’ said Noel.
‘What do you think?’ said Cat. ‘She’s switched it off.’
‘Bugger.’
‘I know.’
Noel, she could see, was beginning to get a bit edgy now, so she did a quick ring round those of Mel’s friends she actually knew to find out if they’d seen her, but drew a blank. They cleared up the barbie and were in the process of sending Ruby to bed when Mel wandered in two hours later, looking cool and collected and very much as if the cat had got the cream.
‘Well?’ said Cat.
‘Well what?’ said Mel.
‘Where have you been?’ said Cat.
Mel shrugged. ‘I told you, at the cinema.’
‘For seven hours?’ said Noel incredulously.
‘So?’
‘So, your phone’s been switched off, we didn’t know where you were, or who with,’ said Cat. ‘We’ve been worried sick.’
‘Oh will you leave me alone! You never stop nagging,’ said Mel. ‘I went out with friends, all right?’ and with that she took herself up the stairs, slamming doors behind her.
‘That went well,’ said Noel.
‘Don’t,’ said Cat. ‘Just don’t.’
‘Marianne, can I talk to you?’ Steven came into the playroom, where Marianne was trying to restore order to the chaos left by the twins, while they slept upstairs.
‘Of course, sweetheart. What is it?’
‘It’s about going to Middleminster,’ said Steven.
‘And?’ said Marianne.
‘I know Dad doesn’t want me to go there, but I really do.’
‘I know,’ said Marianne, conscious that the letter accepting the place Steven had been given was still sitting on the study table, waiting for Gabriel’s signature. There was only a couple of days to go before the deadline. A decision had to be taken.
‘It’s not just that, it’s …’ his voice trailed off and he looked awkward and miserable.
‘Matt Pilsdon?’ guessed Marianne.
‘He told me that I was gay because I sing,’ said Steven. ‘I really hate it at our school. Apart from George, I don’t have any friends. I’d much rather go to Middleminster. And then …’
‘… there’s your mum,’ said Marianne.
Steven squirmed.
‘I mean, I know you’ve been more of a mum to me than she has,’ he gabbled.
‘But she’s still your mum.’
‘And I would like it if I saw more of her, but I don’t want to upset you and Dad.’
‘Sweetie, you won’t upset me,’ said Marianne, ‘but your dad is really going to miss you. I’d like to think you might miss us.’
‘I will,’ said Steven, ‘it’s not that. But – I know Dad would love it if I did, but I don’t actually want to be a farmer.’
‘Not when you could win X Factor,’ said Marianne with a grin.
‘I’d rather be on The Choir,’ said Steven. ‘We have to say yes soon, or I might lose the place. And I really couldn’t bear it if that happened.’
‘Then if that’s how you really feel, we’ll just have to get your dad to understand,’ said Marianne.
>
‘Marianne, you’re the best,’ said Steven giving her a hug.
Marianne was touched. Now he was older, Steven rarely displayed gestures of affection. She loved the fact that he still felt able to do that, and vowed to find a way to get Gabriel to change his mind. He had to see that his son’s needs came before their own. He had to.
So when she’d put the twins to bed that evening, and Steven had disappeared into his room, she sat down with Gabriel in the lounge and poured them both a glass of wine.
‘You look done in,’ she said, as Gabe leant back against the sofa with his eyes shut. Marianne leant back next to him, and cuddled up to him, stroking his hair.
‘I am a bit,’ he admitted, opening those lovely brown eyes which had swept her off her feet only four short years ago.
‘Mmm, that feels nice,’ he said sleepily, and Marianne kissed him on the top of his head. They sat for a few moments in contented silence then she said, ‘Gabe, I’m not trying to interfere, I’m really not, but about Steven …’
Gabriel looked at her warily.
‘I know it’s difficult …’
‘… but you think I should let him go to Middleminster?’
‘Sorry, but yes,’ said Marianne. ‘Steven’s desperate to go there, he hates the thought of going to Hope Sadler Comp, and he wants to see more of his mum. But he’s also really afraid of upsetting you. It’s tearing the poor kid apart. Can’t you see that?’
Gabriel exhaled a deep breath.
‘Bugger, bugger, bugger,’ he said.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re right of course,’ sighed Gabriel. ‘You and Mum. She said more or less the same thing to me. I’ve been so caught up in all this stuff with Dan and Pippa, and working so hard, I’ve been being selfish. I haven’t given enough thought to how Steven feels. If that’s what he wants I should let him do it.’
‘So I can really go?’ Steven, who’d clearly been eavesdropping, came bounding out of the shadows and threw himself into Gabriel’s arms. ‘Thanks Dad.’
‘Oi, you,’ said Gabriel, engaging his son in an arm wrestle, ‘haven’t you heard that no good comes to those who listen at doors?’
‘Well that’s not true,’ said Steven, ‘because I’ve just heard good news.’
‘Cheeky,’ said Gabe, and tickled him some more.
Marianne sat back with a feeling of satisfaction. It would be hard for both of them to let Steven go, but it was definitely the best thing to do.
Pippa’s mum was sitting with Dan, so Pippa had got a rare couple of hours to herself. She had a thousand and one things she could be doing, but she needed some time to herself.
So she’d struck off down the lane past Gabe’s house and taken a walk into the valley beyond. After a stormy start, spring was in full swing, and there was a constant sound of baaing lambs and cooing birds, reassuring her that the natural cycle of the year was still going on, even if her own life was in chaos. The sun was high in the sky, and white clouds scudded across it. A perfect day for clearing the cobwebs. She took a deep breath, and set off up the hill.
Her thoughts were churning as she ploughed on. Dan’s mobility was improving daily, and he had dispensed with the wheelchair inside the house, which was one small step forward. But his temper had still not improved and the children were becoming very wary of him. Lucy had even flinched on occasion when Dan had raised his voice, something she’d never done before. Dan had seen it too, and Pippa could see how much it had upset him. But he wouldn’t talk to her. That, for Pippa, was the worst thing. She and Dan had always shared everything. And now at the darkest point of her life, she felt shut out from his pain. Never had she felt more lost and lonely.
After twenty minutes of hard pounding, she got to the top of the hill, and looked back down at Hope Christmas. It looked so small from up here, all the problems of the individuals who lived there seeming so tiny and insignificant. Even hers, for a moment. The views were magnificent, and never failed to impress her, even though she’d been looking at them all her life. The thing she loved most about them was how they changed depending on the season. Now in early May, the hills were dotted with lambs among the deep green bushes, and lush green grass. She sat down in the heather for a rest and took it all in.
‘If only I could stay up here and get away from it all forever,’ she said out loud.
‘They do say that when you’re at the end of your rope you should tie another knot and hang on.’ A stranger in black appeared as if by magic, and plonked himself beside her. Oh, not such a stranger. Belatedly Pippa realised she was staring into the compelling blue eyes of Michael Nicholas.
‘I’m sorry?’ Pippa was slightly taken aback. She didn’t know Michael that well.
‘The darkest hour is before the dawn,’ said Michael. ‘Things can only get better.’
‘Have you any more clichés up your sleeve?’ said Pippa. ‘And how do you know what’s going on in my life?’
‘I don’t,’ said Michael. ‘You just looked as though you had the cares of the world on your shoulders, and I wanted to help.’
‘That’s very kind of you,’ said Pippa. ‘I’m not sure anyone can help. I just have to pull myself together and get on with it.’
‘And that’s your special gift of course.’
‘What is?’ said Pippa slightly startled.
‘Managing,’ said Michael. ‘I’m sure you will, but don’t forget to look after yourself too.’
‘That’s what my mum’s always telling me,’ said Pippa.
‘Your mum is right,’ said Michael. He got up to go. ‘Things will get better, you’ll see.’
‘I don’t think anything’s going to change in a hurry,’ she said.
Nevertheless, as she set off over the hill, she was humming to herself. Maybe nobody else could help, but Michael was right. Things could hardly get any worse than they were, so the only way forward was for them to get better. It was a thought worth holding on to.
Chapter Fourteen
‘How are the plans for the ball progressing?’ Marianne had popped in to see Cat on the off chance that she had a free moment. She often felt lonely during the day, when it was just her and the kids at home, and Cat had declared herself more than happy to down tools and stop for a coffee when asked.
It was a lovely warm day for early May, so they sat in Cat’s gorgeous country cottage garden. The flower beds were a jumble of forget-me-nots, michaelmas daisies, grape hyacinths and alyssum, while the pots on Cat’s patio were tumbling over with lobelia, busy lizzies, and geraniums. At the far end of the garden, Cat had her vegetable plot, with newly erected bean poles and potatoes already sprouting. Cat had dug out a load of plastic toys from the shed at the bottom of the garden, and the twins were happily pottering about with them. Cat had found them a plastic watering can, and they seemed to be quite content pouring water into a bucket.
‘Getting there I think,’ she said. ‘Thanks to Michael Nicholas we don’t have to worry about a venue, and we’ve got some pledges for the auction, but Noel’s old company who were sponsoring the champagne reception has pulled out – there isn’t quite the money for these things as there used to be.’
‘Do people really need a champagne reception?’ said Marianne.
‘Probably not,’ said Cat, ‘but the tickets aren’t cheap. I hate not giving value for money.’
‘What about your celebrity contacts?’
‘I don’t have that many,’ laughed Cat, ‘everyone thinks just because I’m on the telly sometimes I’m bosom buddies with all manner of people. But I’ve got Diana Carew working on a list I got from my producer. She’s getting on quite well I understand. Honestly, that woman has no shame. I believe she may even have wangled a signed pair of Calvin Kleins from Beckham’s manager.
‘Other than that, everything else seems to be okay. I’ve managed to get some free crackers and other table decorations from the Hopesay Arms Hotel, left over from last year. The manager’s granddaughter sp
ends time at the Sunshine Trust and he was happy to help.
‘What with that, and writing mince pie recipes and Wassail cups for my Christmas book, I’ve got Christmas on the brain,’ continued Cat. ‘I always find it really weird to be thinking about Christmas when the sun’s out. Much as I love the festive season, it feels all wrong.’
‘Tell me about it,’ said Marianne. ‘My mum has already asked me what we’re planning to do for Christmas, which is a first, even for her.’
‘Even my mother-in-law doesn’t start asking till July,’ grinned Cat. ‘What did you tell her?’
‘Oh nothing for now,’ said Marianne, ‘I couldn’t face the row. All I really want to do is hide away with Gabe and the children, but I doubt that will be an option. Still it’s a long way off; anything could happen.’
Cat sighed and looked pensive. She was still looking very pale and wan. She’d lost a lot of weight too.
‘You okay?’
‘Sort of,’ she said. ‘It’s silly really. I can’t stop thinking about the baby. It would have been about three months at Christmas.’
‘That’s not silly,’ said Marianne, reaching over and squeezing her hand, ‘it’s only natural.’
‘I suppose so,’ said Cat, ‘but I feel guilty too. I wasn’t even sure I wanted this baby. Lord knows I wasn’t ready for another one at my age, but …’
‘Now it’s gone?’
‘… I can’t help thinking about what might have been,’ admitted Cat. ‘It would have been lovely to have had a new baby at Christmas. Really magical. Especially as it would have been our last.’
‘Are you sure?’ joshed Marianne. ‘Have you forgotten the lack of sleep?’
‘Well, I never sleep much at Christmas anyway,’ said Cat, ‘I’m always so busy.’
‘Couldn’t you have tried again?’ said Marianne.
‘No,’ said Cat. ‘The baby wasn’t planned, and we lost it. Noel and I have had long discussions about it. It wasn’t meant to be. Some things just aren’t. So I’ve had my tubes tied. It’s for the best. Realistically, I don’t think I could cope with teen hormones and the baby blues. That would be a pretty lethal combination. I think Mother Nature was trying to tell me something.’
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