by Lucia Franco
"I don’t understand anything either because you never express yourself. You're a very difficult man to follow."
"Do you not see how I cannot say what I want? I cannot," he urged, pointing to his chest. "It is too much of a risk."
I scoffed. "Bullshit. What risk? You mean speaking your thoughts honestly for once? So you can fuck me, but you can't talk to me? How does that make sense? How is talking a risk? Who am I going to tell?"
He pursed his lips and glanced to his right, dropping his head onto his arm. I tried desperately not to break my resolve, but it was difficult when it came to Kova. While my words were outlined in truth, his were contradicting or deceptive, but I knew what I needed to do to get him to open up.
I needed to touch him. He needed human contact.
Slipping my hands under his shirt, Kova jolted when my fingers glided along his tapered waist. I loved the indentations on his hips and ran my knuckles over them. The thought of my tongue mimicking the motion crossed my mind.
"You are blushing," he said in a rasped voice. "I would love to know what you are thinking about right now."
This fucking man and the way he stared at me. My heart raced a million miles a minute, and in this moment, I could forgive everything he did just from the way he looked at me.
But I wouldn't. I was on a mission to get him to express himself, to help me understand why he did what he did if I was truly ready like he claimed I was.
I continued my roaming until I'd touched the small of his back, and moved upward toward the center where his muscles flexed beneath my palms. I sat up and brought my chest to his, pressing myself to him. Kova angled his face down as his breath mingled with mine, our lips mere inches from touching. My stomach fluttered and I dragged my legs up the back of his thighs and wrapped them around his hips. Kova straightened and I removed my arms from beneath his shirt, coiling them instead around his broad shoulders. I scooted closer and my fingers threaded in his hair. All the while he hadn't laid a finger on me.
"I hate you and want you at the same time." The confession rolled off my tongue before I could stop it.
"I know you do," he breathed into me. "Listen, I cannot make you any promises, but I will try to be better. I am only human, and I wrongfully acted out. But when you claimed rape"—he shook his head—"it killed me. There is nothing worse you could have said. Rape is not my style, Ria. And contrary to what it may seem, I never want to see you hurting like today. Your first meet to test elite is a big one and I want you prepared."
I stole a quick glance at his lips, a fraction away now, and mine trembled with the urge to close the distance. Heart racing, blood on fire, I was desperate for the next move. His hands found my waist and settled there, giving me a squeeze. A spark of energy passed through us and zipped up my spine. He exhaled as I inhaled, and I drew in a lungful of his breath. Kova ran his tongue along his bottom lip and a smile curved at the corner. I melted into him. Goose bumps peppered my arms as he angled his mouth toward mine.
He was going to kiss me. And damn it all to hell, I wanted him to.
But I wouldn't let him.
Just as he was about to press his lips to mine, I moved my hand over his heart and stopped him. He looked at me. In another place, in another time, things would be different. I'd let him kiss me, let him have me however he wanted. But right now, I couldn't, and I wasn't sure when I'd let him ever again.
"Your heart is beating so fast," I whispered.
His pulse thumped beneath my fingertips. His eyes were the darkest green color I'd ever seen. They captivated me, hypnotized me. He leaned in closer.
"No," I begged, my voice ragged and tortured as I pressed on his chest to push him back. "Please don't kiss me."
Kova cupped the side of my neck, pressing his thumb under the edge of my jaw, and with a gentle ease, he tilted my head back to grant him control. He dominated the air between us…and me.
"Do not deny me."
"You told me to deny you."
"I lied," he growled.
His thumb stroked my throat while I swallowed. There was something intimate about it and I found myself arching into him. I couldn't tear my eyes from his hooded ones.
"Give me what I want." His lips brushed against mine.
"No." My voice cracked.
"Yes," he demanded against my mouth. Kova's warm tongue slipped ever so slowly along the seam of my lips, coaxing me. He held the back of my neck firmly until I surrendered to him, allowing him access. He licked the roof of my mouth, dragging his tongue seductively along the top, then pulled my lip between his teeth. A throbbing in my sex shot through me and I gasped.
"This is what you do to me." He licked me again. I had no control over my body when he was like this. "Every time I am near you, every time I think about you, I feel this way, malysh. You have awakened a beast inside me."
I returned his kiss, plunging my tongue into his mouth, and hating myself for caving in. He sucked it, stroked it. I wrapped both my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer. I whimpered, craving more. My inner thighs squeezed around his hips as I surged up, angling myself right where I needed him. My clit throbbed as I rubbed against his erection. Kova placed a hand on my knee, and then dragged it up the side of my thigh and clutched me at my hip.
He broke our kiss. The dark of his pupils overshadowed the green of his eyes. "Every fucking time. Never in my life has this happened to me. It drives me crazy that I cannot get enough of you." He kissed me again, his lips hard and demanding. Kova devoured me with a ferocity unlike ever before.
I pulled back and attempted to regain some semblance of control. "Kova?"
"Hmm?" He nuzzled my neck, his facial hair scraping my tender flesh.
"Do you think you could refrain from calling Katja malysh? At least in front of me?"
His head popped up and he looked me square in the eyes. For a moment, I thought he was going to lash out and reject my request.
"Only if you promise to never bring her up again when we're alone."
I smiled, but it didn't reach my eyes. The situation was a disaster—depraved and immoral and everything right at the wrong time.
"How will I know if you keep your promise?"
He looked at me. "You just have to trust me." Kova swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing slowly. "Adrianna?"
My head tilted to the side. "Yes?
Kova's nostrils flared and his chest rose faster and higher. Just as he opened his mouth, he was cut off.
"Hey."
Both of our heads snapped toward the sound of Hayden's voice. We were so lost in each other neither of us heard him walk through the door. Kova cleared his throat and stepped away, putting distance between us. I jumped down from the counter.
"Hayden," I welcomed. Coming to stand next to us, he eyed Kova with a sickening stare.
Drenched in sweat, Hayden's clothes stuck to him. He must've ran hard. Reaching behind his head, he pulled off his shirt, eyes still trained on Kova. I watched in fascination as a drop of sweat slid over a pointed nipple, down each ridge of his rock-hard abs, and come to a stop at the waistband of his shorts. I tilted my head to the side. Funny, I hadn't noticed the narrow strip of sandy colored hair that disappeared into his shorts until now. My mind began to wander, and I was curious to see how far down it led.
A low growl caught my attention, and I looked over. Kova glared at me, his astute eyes not pleased with me assessing Hayden.
"I think it's time for you to go," Hayden said, stepping closer. Kova glared at him for a long minute before dipping his chin in agreement. "And you might want to take some ice with you," Hayden suggested. Then he turned to me and said, "I'm going to take a shower." I nodded.
I glanced at Kova's swollen lip. Hayden had gotten him good. It would leave a mark for a few days. As I pulled opened the freezer door, Kova placed a hand on me.
"No need. I will see you tomorrow," he said.
"How will you explain it to Katja?"
He gave me a look, one that said I already negate
d my promise not to mention her. Embarrassed, I looked away, trying to hide my timid smile and followed him through my living room.
Kova turned to look at me when we reached the front door. His intoxicating eyes trained on my mouth. He bent down and pulled me flush against him. I stood on my tiptoes and closed my eyes as his delicious scent invaded my senses. His lips brushed my cheek while he brokenly whispered, "Lyubov' ne to, chto vy mozhete ponyat', eto to, chto vy chuvstvuyete v svoyem serdtse. Net slov, eto prosto tak."
I opened my eyes and looked at him, wanting so desperately to know what he'd just said but afraid to ask. I knew whatever he spoke in Russian he couldn't risk in English.
And the look in his gaze said he meant every word. Whatever that was.
Placing a gentle kiss to my cheek, Kova pulled the door open and took part of me with him when he left.
I locked the door and walked into my living room. I was going to take another shot but then I noticed the box on my table, and my stomach sank. The longer I waited, the more chances I took.
"Fuck," I complained under my breath and picked it up.
"Everything okay?" Hayden asked. I fumbled with the foil sheet, trying to poke the little pill through. Tears brimmed my eyelids, and my focus became blurry. Hayden walked over and took the package from my hands. I swallowed hard and sent up a silent prayer. With all the petitions and wishes I've been requesting from God lately—begging, really—one would think I'd have a fresh red carpet waiting for me as I waltzed into Heaven.
Yeah. Fucking. Right.
Not after the year I've lived.
I didn't want Hayden to see me cry. Truthfully, I wasn't sure why I was about to cry, other than the fact that a hundred different emotions streamed through me at a rapid pace and I didn't know how to get a handle on them. I was on overdrive.
Hayden reached out with an opened palm. I threw the pill into the back of my mouth and grabbed the flask from the table to wash it down. The smell burned my nose and it reminded me of rubbing alcohol. Disgusting. I handed it off to Hayden.
"I can't believe he makes you take that shit." He took a swig but didn't wince like I did.
"He doesn't make me take anything. It was my choice."
Much to my surprise, Hayden wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. My nerves steadied and I melted into his body as if it was a natural thing. Exhaustion hit me hard. I reciprocated the hug and dropped my chin to his firm chest, then tilted my head back with a faint smile. My eyes were heavy. With his biceps like two firm pillows on each side of my head, Hayden peered down at me, his sandy colored eyelashes encased crystal blue eyes.
"Come on," he said. "Let's go to bed."
Hayden leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead before taking my hand and guiding me into my bedroom. I followed easily. Our disagreement and differences forgotten for now, left behind us and kept out of my room.
There was something comforting I found in him I couldn't explain. An aura of peace, soothing, and I fed off it.
Chapter Seven
I opened my eyes a crack and winced at the hammering pressure in my head.
I wasn't a drinker. I knew any kind of alcohol, even the smallest amount, would affect me, I just didn't think it'd be this much. I clenched my eyes shut and let out a yawn, praying the spinning would stop.
Judging by the darkness of my room, I knew it was the middle of the night, but it felt like I'd only fallen asleep a few minutes ago. I hated when that happened. I blindly reached for my cell phone to check the time, and opened my eyes enough to take a quick glance at the screen.
3:42 a.m.
I placed my phone back down and turned over as a ball of fire steamrolled through my abdomen. My muscles cramped and I gritted my teeth as I groaned and curled into a fetal position. Naturally, the side effects of the morning after pill would strike while hungover. I let out a painful whimper, wishing away the ache. The cramping intensified and I held my breath, hoping it would quickly pass. I really hated this and made a promise to myself right then to never ingest that stupid pill again.
"Aid?" Hayden’s sleepy voice came from behind me.
"I didn't mean to wake you." I pulled the blanket to my chin, not wanting him to see me like this.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, my stomach just hurts a little."
Without another word, Hayden rolled over and wrapped an arm around my waist. He scooted behind me and pressed his front to my back, curling into me to fit perfectly. I closed my eyes and sighed. The heat from his bare chest against my back was a comforting balm in my ice-cold bedroom. The security of his arms felt like heaven.
"Go back to sleep, I've got you," he said, and laid a kiss to the back of my head.
I closed my eyes and relaxed in his arms, letting the world fade away…
* * *
"How long do you think you'll be gone for?" Hayden asked as I zipped up my suitcase.
He sat on my bed and watched as I gathered items to take home. A small spasm tore through my belly, stopping me in my tracks. Hayden stood, but I held up a hand to stop him. I hunched over and held on to my stomach while I squinted around the room for the bottle with the orange cap. Spotting it on the floor, I huffed in frustration that I had to deal with the aftereffects again. Thankfully the cramp wasn't as bad as last night, but I knew the worst wasn't over yet.
"I think when the Parkettes meet is over is when I'll be back," I answered him, ignoring the shame in his eyes as I swallowed four pills.
Hayden's brows shot to his hairline. He ran his fingers through his messy bed hair. I loved this look on him.
"You're going to be gone that long?" he asked. "I assumed you'd be back shortly after the new year."
"That was the original plan, but after what happened, I don't want to be the only one left here when everyone is at a meet I should be at too. I think it'll be a good time to clear my head and regain my focus, remember what I came here to do in the first place. You know?"
My heart squeezed at the thought of missing the gymnastics meet, but this time I wouldn't allow any more tears to fall.
I drew in a deep, clean breath and exhaled the bullshit.
This morning when I woke, I decided I wouldn't dwell on the past, or my sticky relationship with Kova. Nothing good could come of it. What's done is done, and nothing could be changed at this point. My plan was to move on and work harder than ever before, no matter how much pain he caused me.
"Think Coach will have a fit?"
I gave him a droll stare and drew an imaginary circle around my face with my index finger. "Does this look like the face of someone who gives a shit?"
Hayden let out a laugh and I shrugged.
"What can he do that he hasn't already done? I'm pretty sure he can't—and won't—do shit if I take my time to come back. I have too much on him." I paused with a pair of yoga pants in my hand. "Speaking of having something on him, what were you guys talking about yesterday?"
"Uh, it was nothing." He looked away for a guilty second and cracked his knuckles. "It was just something he helped me out with in the past. Nothing important."
"Whatever it was, it has to do with the dumb dating rules he enforced."
A dim shadow appeared in his eyes and he looked away. Hayden shifted from foot to foot and tried to crack his knuckles again. Whatever Kova had helped him with was serious, and that made me more curious than ever.
"It's really nothing, Aid. Nothing I want to talk about anyway. A secret I swore I wouldn't tell anyone."
"A secret?" I giggled. I couldn't picture Hayden exchanging secrets with anyone. "Who do you tell secrets with?"
"My sister."
"Oh." I paused, my smile fading. I hadn't expected that. "But you know about my secret, and it can't be worse than that. Please," I begged sweetly, batting my eyes. "Tell me what it is. Tell me why your sister is the reason we have dumb dating rules."
"Aid. Let it go."
Of course, I couldn't let it go.
"If it weren't for your rules, I wouldn't be in this mess."
His eyes flared. It was the wrong thing to say.
"I know you can't be fucking serious right now. You're in this mess because you had sex with your dickhead, possessive coach who has mental issues. This had nothing to do with me."
"Jeez." I pulled back, not expecting the severity of his voice. "I was only half-kidding."
Hayden sighed. "I'm sorry for snapping, but I'm not going to talk about it. Okay? So just drop it."
"Fine." I'd just ask Kova anyway.
"Want to get brunch before you leave?"
My stomach grumbled and Hayden lifted a brow. "I wish, but I'm going to see my mom soon. I need to be as thin as possible for her."
His forehead creased with lines of confusion and his eyes narrowed. "Thin? Have you looked at yourself lately, Aid?"
Hayden stood up and guided me to stand in front of my closet mirror. Standing behind me, he placed his hands on my waist. I wore faded denim shorts that sat extremely low on my hips and a simple buttercup yellow tank top. Few colors matched with my dark auburn hair, but this was one of them. Mom hated these shorts. She called them Daisy Dukes and said I looked like white trash wearing them. Naturally, I loved them.
Lifting my shirt, his calloused palm roamed over my toned stomach. Hayden tried to pinch the skin around my abs and hips, but he couldn't grab it.
"See what I mean? No fat."
I shook my head. "I know, Hayden, I know, but I can't eat. I want to, but I can't. My stomach is in knots as it is. I'm sorry."
Hayden wrapped his arms around my shoulders and tugged me to his chest. I leaned back, relaxing into him. He was a foot taller than me and a good hundred pounds heavier, yet we fit together like two interlocking pieces of a puzzle.
"I think you're perfect the way you are. I'm sorry you have to deal with a mom like that," he said apologetically, then dropped a kissed to the top of my head. If he only knew how nasty she could be. "What about physical therapy while you're away?"
I held on to his forearms as a smile tipped my lips. I stared at our reflection. After I strained my Achilles heel a couple of months ago, I had to alter my training schedule to fit in treatment three times a week, and water down my routines so I didn't add excess pressure and tear the tendon completely. The pain in my calf and ankle was mostly nonexistent now, but I wasn't naive to think it was healed. I knew my boundaries…for the most part, anyway.
