He hasn’t called again or came by.
This is exactly why I have to handle this on my own. Crew’s Crew. I know this. He might be here today and gone tomorrow . . .
I know I can’t lean on him, but damn it if it didn’t feel good to be able to lean on him a little. Every day for the past two years has felt like I’m in a war against the world on my own. The war just escalated to nuclear level. If I let Crew in, it’ll set up Ever . . . and I . . . up for a let-down later.
“Where’s Uncle Crew?”
Exactly.
“He’s probably working, baby girl.”
She paints away, her knees tucked up under her. “I bet he misses me.”
A knock on the door saves me from having to respond. I walk to it and peek out the window. Hands in his pockets, jacket open, Crew’s twisting a toothpick around his lips.
I open the door and step to the side. He walks in without a word or a glance in my direction.
“Uncle Crew!” Ever squeals and runs to him. He picks her up and hugs her tight, looking at me finally with curious eyes.
“How are ya, monkey?” He sounds like he hasn’t slept much. His voice is gravelly, even for him. His knuckle is sliced and a little swollen. He catches me looking at it and glares. I glare right back. He better not be coming by here because he’s in trouble or because he’s leaving town. I swear to God I’ll never forgive him. Screw family, screw blood. If he’s done or is doing something stupid, that’s it. I’m done even entertaining the idea that he can be a part of our lives.
“I’m good! Come see my painting! I painted something for you.” She kicks her legs and he lets her down. Ever takes his hand and leads him to the table. He takes the toothpick out of his mouth and sticks it in his pocket.
“That looks like a monkey,” he says, sitting at a chair.
“It does, I know! And here’s my sunshine.” She shoves her yellow painting in his face. He takes it and smiles. “And my tree!” Everleigh look around the kitchen. “Mommy! Where’s my tree?”
I snatch it off the counter and hand it to her, crossing my arms in front of me. I hate the feeling of relief I had when I opened the door and saw him. I also hate the start of concern I felt when I saw his hand. These are dangerous things to feel. I need to find the anger I normally have towards him. Anger is easier. Anger is doable.
“This is our family tree. That’s me and that’s Mommy. And that,” she says, pointing to the blue blob at the top, “is Daddy.”
Crew laughs, his smile soft as he watches Ever and her excitement.
“Here!” She pushes the green paint towards him. “You put on a green leaf.”
“Ah, well, I . . .” He twists in his chair, clearly uncomfortable. “I think it’s perfect the way it is.”
“No, it isn’t. I want you on there, too! Please!”
He takes off his jacket and looks to me with pleading eyes. I shrug, not about to help him by getting him out of it. Do I want him on our family tree? Nope. But he can figure it out for himself.
Instead, he takes his thumb and adds a print in bright green to the sheet.
“Yay!” Ever squeals, bringing the sheet back to me. “Will you dry it?”
I nod and take it from her. She runs back to Crew and jumps on his lap. She takes something discreetly from his palm and shoves it in her pocket.
“How ya feeling today?” he asks.
“Ah, good, I guess.” She wrinkles her nose. “I had a nightmare last night.”
My ears hone in; this is news to me.
“Oh, yeah? What was it about?”
She shrugs and traces the gray lettering on Crew’s shirt. “I woke up scared. I had a dream that I woke up and no one was here. Mrs. Bennett was even gone. It was just me and the kid across the street.”
“Well, that’s crazy, so you know it’s not real. There’s no way that mommy of yours will ever leave you.”
He glances at me and smiles and I can’t help but grin back.
“But Daddy left me,” she points out.
Crew’s smile fades quickly. “Not because he wanted to, monkey. Your daddy loved you more than anyone ever loved anyone.”
“I know,” she whispers.
“Tell you what,” Crew says. “Tomorrow I’ll bring you something to help with your bad dreams, okay?”
“You will?”
“I will.” He tickles her and she wriggles in his arms, giggling. The sound is beautiful and I close my eyes and just listen. It’s interrupted by someone at the door. I walk over and answer it.
“Hi, Julia.” Olivia is standing on the porch, holding the hand of her granddaughter, Rory. She looks in the house and sees our visitor. “Hi, Crew.”
“Hey.”
“I was just checking on you,” Olivia says. “I’m running to the grocery and wondered if you need anything.”
“Ever! We are going to get ice cream! Do you want to go?” Rory bounces up and down.
Ever dances around me. “Yes! Mommy, can I? Please?”
“Ever, why don’t you—“
“It’s fine, if she wants to go,” Olivia says. “It might do her some good to get out and get some sunshine.”
“I don’t know.” I’m not thrilled at the idea of not being with her today. I want to tuck her against my side and breathe in every second with her. I want to remember every minute of this day and not waste a single moment with her.
“Mommy, please,” Everleigh begs. “I never get to see Rory. Please.”
“Let her go.” Crew’s voice is low, his eyes as quiet as his voice. “It’ll do you both some good.”
He exchanges a look with Olivia and I lean against the counter and sigh. I know it’s not right to deny her a fun day because I want to be selfish and keep her with me. She loves Rory and getting ice cream is a big deal for Ever. We don’t get to do that very often. Even so, I’m irritated that Crew feels the need to butt into the decision. But at the same time, it comforts me in a strange way.
“Okay, get your jacket,” I say with a tight smile.
Ever scampers to her room for her coat and is gone before I know it. I’m left in the kitchen with Crew.
He stretches his long legs out and kicks one boot on top of the other. He looks at me like he doesn’t know what to say, so I do the honors.
“You don’t have to stay now. Ever’s gone.” I watch him uncertainly, waiting for him to move.
I expect him to.
I want him to.
But he doesn’t.
“How are ya, Jules?”
I feel my body sag with relief that he isn’t leaving. It’s an unconscious reaction, but one I don’t miss. “Okay.”
“Can I do anything?”
“Make her better . . .” My voice breaks on the last word and it’s like it hits him in the chest. His shoulders drop, the corners of his mouth sliding towards the floor.
He doesn’t say anything for a while, just stares at a spot on the wall. I gaze out the window wondering if I just grabbed Ever and took off, if I could outrun my problems.
“She goes in tomorrow, right?” he asks after awhile, his voice as raw.
“Yeah. I have to take her up first thing in the morning.”
“Do you want me to come by and take you?”
“No. That’s nice of you to offer, but we’ll manage.”
“I don’t mind. I have sick days I can use.”
I snort. “That’s more than I have.”
“You don’t have any paid sick days?”
“No. I talked to Human Resources and explained that I don’t know what’s going to happen. If I miss three more days in the next month they can fire me.”
His forehead pulls in and he tilts his head. I know he’s getting pissed, but there’s nothing he can do about this no matter how caveman he goes.
“They did say,” I continued, “they won’t fire me. They’ll leave me on payroll so I have insurance and things, but I won’t get paid when I’m not there. I’m just gonna pick up extra shi
fts at Ficht’s, I guess. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know how I’m going to swing all of this. I was barely making it before, but now . . . There’s so much coming at me that I’m dizzy. I just have to prioritize and getting through this week with Everleigh and seeing what we’re facing, that has to come first. I’ll figure out the rest later.
“You know all you have to do is ask me for help. Tell me what you need.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not asking you to help me.”
“Why?”
“Really, Crew?”
“Yeah, fucking really. Why is it so damn wrong for you to ask me for help? Would you rather worry about every little fucking thing than take a little help from me? Am I that bad?”
His face is twisted in a mixture of anger and hurt. He takes a step backwards, like he needs space between us. I see the cut on his knuckle again.
“What happened to your hand?”
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Fair enough.”
We watch each other, a million things being said between our gazes. I know he won’t say them out loud, just like I won’t. No need to taint the air with more venom. At least I can count on him for that.
“You don’t need a ride tomorrow?”
I shake my head. “No. We have to be there early, anyway.”
“Will ya at least call me and tell me what they say? It’s at Children’s, right?”
I nod.
He heads for the door and a bubble of panic twists through me. His hand is on the knob when I say his name.
He turns to face me, the toothpick back in his mouth. He takes it out and says, “Yeah?”
My mouth goes dry. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t even know why I called to him. My mind is churning like a storm and I can’t seem to anchor in the middle of it.
“Thanks for coming by,” I say finally, giving him a true smile for the first time in years.
He nods and gives me a crooked grin, the toothpick going back between his lips. “Let me know if you need anything.”
And he’s gone.
CREW
I hate fucking traffic. I honestly believe I was supposed to be born on a farm somewhere in the middle of Illinois or something. I hate the rush to get shit done, the battle to make a left hand turn before getting smashed in the side by some cocksucker in a hybrid.
I pull into the hospital parking garage, pay the attendant, and make my way to an open spot. I find one and pull in as my phone starts to ring.
“Yeah?” I ask, cutting the engine.
“Where the fuck are you?”
I hear the guys shouting in the background, the sound of the cranes squealing in the distance. “At the hospital.”
“Ah, so you aren’t coming in today?” Will asks.
I grab the bag from the passenger’s seat and get out and lock up. “No, I called the boss. I just think . . . you know . . . I should . . .”
“Yeah, I feel ya. Probably a good call. But I wanted to tell ya something.”
I can hear a bite of excitement in his voice and that worries me. Will gets excited over stupid shit and I’m not in the mood to hear about how round the chick’s tits were the night before.
“I was online this morning and someone uploaded your fight from the bar onto The MMA Forum,” Will says. “Dude! You should see yourself. Fuckin’ beast!”
“What the hell you talking about?” “The fight Friday night. Remember? Shenanigans? Yahtzee?”
“Someone recorded it and uploaded it?”
“Yeah. Had to be Adam or Dane, I guess. But that’s not the point. The point is you look awesome. It’s being shared everywhere. That video is going viral.”
“Why? It’s a bar fight,” I say blandly. “There are bar fights every day.”
He laughs wildly. “That was no bar fight, bro. That was a wicked pissah of a fight! And,” he says, pausing for effect, “it’s called ‘Crew Gentry—The Only Guy To Beat Hunter Davidson.’”
While I’m mildly amused by this, it’s not something I really need to happen right now. “Call Adam and tell him to take that shit down.”
“Why in the fuck would I do that? It’s you in all your glory!”
“Because,” I say, “I barely got out of that with self defense with the police. I don’t need it to look like I was showing off or something.”
“But—”
“I gotta go, Will. Get it removed. I’ll call ya later.”
CREW
The door to the room number given to me by the nurse is cracked open. I knock once before pushing it slowly. The room is bathed in light from the wall of windows. The television is playing some kid’s cartoon and if you didn’t see the hospital bed in the middle, you’d think it was a playroom or something.
Julia is sitting in a chair by the bed, flipping through a magazine. Everleigh is lying against a pile of pillows bigger than her in the bed, her monkey tucked to her side. Julia sees me and sets the magazine down.
“Hey,” I say quietly, not wanting to wake Ever.
“Hey.” She has dark circles under her eyes. Her hair is pulled back and her face seems dull in the sunlight. By every indication, she’s a mess but I can’t help but think how beautiful she is. She always is. She always has been. There’s something beautiful and calming that just follows her, even if she doesn’t feel either way.
I place the bag on the floor and lean against the wall. “How long you been here?”
She glances at the clock. “Four hours.”
“Any news?”
“She had the last two tests. We’re just waiting on the doctor to come in now.”
Ever’s eyes begin to flutter. I hope I haven’t woken her, but I am glad she’s awake anyway. I want to see her. Hear her. Get some reassurance that she’s still here.
“Uncle Crew.” I can hear the exhaustion in her little voice.
I pick up the bag and walk over to her, kissing her on the head. “How are ya?”
“I don’t want to be here.”
“I know. But we have to make you better.”
“What they do to me doesn’t make me better. It hurts. A lot.”
I close my eyes for a second, trying to keep my cool. My first reaction is to kill anyone that hurts her, but I know in this case, they’re hurting her to keep something else from killing her. It’s a double-edged sword.
“They’re doing what they have to do to get you a hundred percent again. You know that, right?”
She shrugs.
“I brought you something.” I dig in the bag and pull out a little box. I hand it to her. She opens it and holds it in the air.
“What is it?” she asks, watching it twirl in the air.
“It’s a dream catcher. You put it in your room and when you go to sleep, it filters your dreams. It only lets the good ones in.”
“Where did you get this?”
“That one was mine when I was a little boy. My grandma bought one for your daddy and one for me. We had bad dreams, too. But that thing works and I don’t need it now. So I thought you should have it.”
“You still have that?” Julia asks. She’s watching it move as Ever twists it around. “I thought you’d have lost it by now.”
“Of course I do. It’s magic,” I say, tossing her a wink. “I wish I still had Gage’s.”
She smiles sadly at me. She starts to say something, but the door opens.
“Mrs. Gentry?”
Julia stands and walks around the foot of the bed. “Hello, Dr. Perkins.”
I can see a bead of sweat glisten on her forehead, her lips a thin line.
“There are some things I’d like to talk to you about and I’d like to do it in my office.” He glances at me. “Are you Everleigh’s father?”
“I—” I start, but Julia cuts me off.
“No. He isn’t. This is my brother-in-law.”
I grimace, the sound of her making it clear I am not a part of her
immediate family making me feel like a piece of shit. I extend my hand to the doctor anyway. “Crew Gentry. I’m Everleigh’s uncle.”
He shakes it firmly. “Dr. Perkins. I’m the pediatric oncologist. If you wouldn’t mind staying here with Everleigh, I’d like to take Mrs. Gentry for a few minutes.”
Julia looks at me, waiting for me to respond. She’s chewing her bottom lip and I want to pull it from between her teeth. I have no idea what’s going to be said, but I know it will be all right. It has to be.
“Yeah, absolutely. Me and the monkey here will watch some . . .”
“Doc McStuffins!” she says.
“Doc it is.”
“We’ll be back shortly. If you’ll want to be apprised of her condition at any time, we’ll need you and Mrs. Gentry to sign some forms.” The doctor looks to Julia and she hesitates before nodding with a sigh. “I’ll send a nurse in with them in a little bit for the file.”
He turns to leave and motions for Julia to follow. She glances at me over her shoulder, her gaze full of trepidation, those dark brown orbs full of fear. It kills me.
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I say quietly.
Her eyes go cloudy, tears lapping across, and I’m ripped apart. I want to hold her, to make her know this will be okay. I want to rip every line out of Ever and toss them both over my shoulder and run away from all this bullshit.
But I can’t. And the inability to do any of those things eats me from the inside out.
I take a deep breath and turn to face Everleigh. She’s watching me curiously. I take the seat previously occupied by Julia and look at her over my shoulder. “What are we doing in here today, monkey?”
“I want to go home.”
“I know. I do, too.” I look around conspiratorially. “Think I could smuggle you outta here?”
“I do,” she giggles. “Please! Take me home.”
I tap my chin. “But if I do that, your mommy will wonder where you are. And she’ll probably panic when she can’t find you. Then she’ll come after me and, I’ll tell ya a secret . . . she scares me.”
“She does not scare you!” she says, giggling. She settles back into her pillows, resting her face so it’s facing me. “But she would worry. She worries a lot.”
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