by Ariel Tachna
“Cut myself working on an engine,” Seth said. “I didn’t have a clean rag and I didn’t want to get any more grease in it than is already there from the bracket.”
“Come on, then. Let me take a look at it.” She ushered him over to the sink and handed him a bar of soap. He scrubbed his hands clean, paying special attention to the cut. He knew how to do this. He could have gone to his own room and taken care of it, but it felt good to have Sarah fussing over him. His mum had never been the fussing type, but Sarah more than made up for it now. “All right, let me see,” she said.
He offered her his hand dutifully, hissing at the sting when she poured peroxide over the cut. “It’s not that deep,” she said. “I think we can wrap it up to keep it clean and it will heal on its own. Just be careful with it for a couple of days.”
“I will,” Seth promised.
“And stay out of the tractor shed for the rest of the day. Give it that much time to heal before you get it dirty again.”
“I have work to finish,” he protested.
“And it can wait until tomorrow, or Patrick or Jesse can finish it today if it can’t wait. You aren’t the only mechanic on this station, Seth Simms, and I won’t have you ending up in the hospital because you were too stubborn to ask for help. And if you think I won’t tell Jason and your brother, you’re sorely mistaken.”
“Okay,” Seth said, raising his hands in surrender. “I’ll stay out of the tractor shed until tomorrow. But if Caine asks, I’m telling him it was on your orders.”
“I’ll take that blame,” Sarah replied. “Jason just came back from checking the mob at Taylor Peak. Go spend the rest of the afternoon with him. You lads deserve some time together. I know you haven’t been working together during the day.”
They’d been sleeping together at night, curled up in Seth’s bed, still mostly dressed because Seth couldn’t get past Chris and Jesse down the hall. Jason hadn’t pressed, but now Caine was talking about them having their own home and privacy and….
Seth took a deep breath and squeezed his hand into a fist. Pain burned up his arm as the motion pulled the cut open, but it steadied him. He wanted this. He could learn how to do it. Sarah had, even after all the years of abuse at Macklin’s father’s hands. She’d met Kami and made a new relationship work. Seth could do the same.
“What’s on your mind, love?” Sarah asked.
“Trying to figure out how to be happy,” Seth replied honestly.
“Oh, love,” she said, pulling him into a grandmotherly embrace. “You celebrate it, that’s how. One moment at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself. You just focus on this moment and how good it makes you feel.”
Seth had never had that luxury, because tomorrow had never taken care of itself. Tomorrow had always meant the possibility of moving, of not eating, of Tony raising his voice or even his hand, of Chris being bashed. Tomorrow had been something to fear for too long to take it for granted now.
No one here would lift a hand except to help him. He didn’t have to worry about his next meal or having a roof over his head, but that only made the rest more fragile. If he didn’t have to worry about those things, he’d end up screwing something else up even worse.
“Go find Jason. Everything will feel better when you’re with him.”
Seth nodded and headed outside. He didn’t immediately go in search of Jason, though. He couldn’t deal with that yet. Instead he wandered toward Sam and Jeremy’s house—his and Jason’s house, if he could ever get past freaking out at that thought. It was smaller than some of the other houses on the station, one story with one bedroom and bath, a minimal kitchen with only a counter for coffee or tea instead of an eating area like some of the older houses had, and a utility room with a washer and dryer. The veranda stretched all the way around the house, though, leaving plenty of room for chairs and even a table if they wanted to have people over for a beer or a party. Seth didn’t remember them doing it often, but the big table stood in the middle of the back side of the veranda. He ran his hand along the wooden rail that delineated the edge of the veranda. Ian had probably done the woodwork, though Seth didn’t actually remember him working on it when they’d built the house.
It was going to be Sarah’s house until she’d decided to marry Kami and move in with him instead.
Arms around his waist startled him, but before he could pull away, Jason spoke in his ear. “What do you think? Want to move in with me?”
Seth nodded because any other answer would hurt Jason’s feelings, and he never wanted to do that. “It’s a little overwhelming,” he admitted.
“We don’t have to say yes right away,” Jason said. “Or you can move in so you’re out of Chris and Jesse’s hair and I can stay in the bunkhouse until you’re ready.”
“You’ve spent almost every night with me for the past week,” Seth said. “Talk about closing the barn door once the horse has escaped.”
“It’s not the same,” Jason said. “That house, that’s a commitment. It’s not trying things out to see if we fit. It’s the next closest thing to driving to Boorowa and registering a civil partnership. The minute we both move in there, we’re as good as married in the eyes of everyone we care about, because that’s what happens here on Lang Downs. The people who make it home, they come here and they make a life for themselves and the ones they love.”
“I can’t even tell you how much I want that,” Seth said.
“I can’t even tell you how much it scares me,” Jason replied. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and now that I have it, I can’t quite believe it’s real.”
“What if I screw up?” Seth asked.
“Forget everything your stepfather ever said,” Jason ordered. “You aren’t a screwup. You’re an intelligent, amazing, handsome man, and you’ve earned your place here, no matter what you think. My dad even says so, and you know how hard he is on mechanics. What if I screw up? You’re not the only one in this relationship, you know.”
“If you screw up, you’ll fix it,” Seth said. “That’s what you do.”
“That’s all anyone can do,” Jason replied, “and so that’s what you’ll do too. Mum told me one time that relationships aren’t about being perfect. They’re about dealing with the shit that goes wrong together.”
“Somehow I don’t think those were her exact words,” Seth said with a grin.
“No, probably not, but it’s what she meant.” Jason kissed Seth softly. “We can do this. We just have to believe that whatever goes wrong, we can work it out.”
“Then I guess we ought to start packing,” Seth said. He didn’t know how it could be that simple, but he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t try. “Caine said something about seeing if we needed anything and making a supply run to Boorowa on our next day off. I don’t even know what we’d need.”
“Sheets, towels, maybe a few dishes,” Jason said. “I know Ian made Sam and Jeremy a few things they’ll want to take with them, but they’ll probably leave the rest. We won’t have much to buy.”
“I have a few things in storage in Sydney,” Seth said. “If we need them, that is. They wouldn’t fit in the car and there isn’t room at Chris’s anyway, but if we have our own place, I could go get them and bring them down at some point. I left most everything with Ilene, but I have a dresser Ian made for me. Chris insisted I take it with me so I’d have something of home no matter where I lived. I couldn’t leave that with her.”
“Of course we’ll go get it,” Jason said. “We just have to decide when we can be gone overnight.”
Seth melted a little at the casual assurance in Jason’s voice. Jason might not have said it in the words Seth wanted to hear, but he was committed to their relationship or he wouldn’t be talking about going together to get Seth’s chest.
“I guess we should go look at our house then, huh?”
Jason grinned and grabbed Seth’s uninjured hand “I’m not carrying you over the threshold. You weigh too bloody much.”
&nbs
p; “I’m not a girl,” Seth said as they walked inside. “I don’t need that romantic nonsense.”
As soon as they walked inside, Jason pinned Seth to the wall. Seth could have gotten away—he was bigger than Jason—but he had no desire to do so. “Romance is not just for girls,” Jason said. He kissed Seth tenderly, lovingly even, taking his time with the contact. Seth parted his lips and let Jason take the lead. Silence pressed in on him, driving home to him that they were finally, truly alone with privacy guaranteed. No one would come knocking on the door. No one was listening in the next room. No one even knew they were there, much less what they were doing. They could stand there with Seth’s back against the kitchen wall for hours or they could go to the bedroom and fuck like rabbits. They could strip right there and go at it on the living room floor if they wanted. This was their space. The intimacy of it left him reeling. He broke the kiss and gasped for breath.
“Let’s take a look around,” Seth said. He’d been in the house before—he’d even helped build it—but not in years. When he was home for a visit, they either ate in the canteen or at Jason’s house. He’d had no reason to come in here.
Jason stepped back and they poked around in the kitchen for a bit. Like Seth remembered, it had a fridge, an electric kettle for tea, and hookups for an oven and stove but they had never been installed. “Are you a good cook?” he asked Jason. “Because I suck at it. So unless you want to cook, we can just leave it as it is and eat in the canteen.”
“I can put a meal on the table,” Jason said, “but I’d rather eat in the canteen. Cooking is too much work if we have other options.”
Seth opened the cabinets. A few mugs sat on the shelves, along with a tin of sugar, some biscuits, and a jar of Vegemite. Seth laughed. “That’s pathetic, even for two jackaroos on a station. There isn’t even a bag of chips to munch on.”
“Start a list,” Jason said. “We’ll go to Boorowa and get anything you can’t live without.”
The living room was simply decorated, with a couch and a couple of chairs. Nothing fancy, but nothing that would need to be replaced. They didn’t lead fancy lives. Sam’s desk sat in one corner. “They’ll want that,” Jason said. “Ian made it for them the year Thorne moved to the station. I remember because I helped them move it in here after Thorne left to go to Wagga Wagga for a couple of months. I’d never seen Ian look so sad.”
“I never knew what that was all about,” Seth said. “I was only home for a couple of days that year. I actually left the day after Christmas to go back to Sydney because I had a project due.”
“He has PTSD,” Jason said. “Nasty stuff left over from the Commandos, I guess. He flipped out over something—I don’t know what—and punched a wall. He decided he couldn’t stay on Lang Downs like that and went to Wagga Wagga to get help. It took a bloody lot of courage, if you ask me.”
Seth looked down at his bandaged hand. He hadn’t done it to himself this time, not on purpose anyway, but Jason’s words weighed on him. Thorne had been man enough to get help, but Seth was too much of a fuckup for that.
“What did you do to your hand?” Jason asked.
“Sliced it open on a bracket,” Seth said. “Sarah patched it up. It hurts like a bitch, but it’ll heal. I’ve had worse.” He’d done worse to himself. Not often because he didn’t want scars he’d have to explain, but once or twice his razor had sliced deeper than he’d intended.
“We’ll clean it out and wrap it up again before bed,” Jason said. “I may be a vet, but wound care isn’t that different. I could probably put a suture in it if you need me to.”
Seth cradled his hand against his chest. “I don’t think it needs stitches. It was long and messy but not very deep.”
“At least let me take a look at it?” Jason said. “It’ll make me feel better, even if I can’t do anything for you.”
“Tonight,” Seth said. “So what else do you think we’ll need?”
They poked around in the closets a bit, but with Sam and Jeremy’s things still there, it felt too invasive. “Maybe we should wait until they’ve moved out completely before we move in,” Seth said. “I know Caine said it was okay, but it feels….”
“Like we’re using their space,” Jason finished for him. “As much as I want to be alone with you, really alone, you’re right. We’ve waited this long. We can wait a few more days.”
A few more days for Seth to try to get over his hang-ups so they had a chance at being happy without his issues ruining everything.
“I THOUGHT you and Jason would already be shacked up in your new house,” Chris teased when Seth came back home with him after dinner.
“Not while all Sam and Jeremy’s things are still there,” Seth said. “We didn’t want to invade their privacy that way. We can wait a few more days.”
“Uh-huh,” Chris said. “I remember what it was like to be young and horny. Do Jesse and I need to volunteer for an overnight shift?”
“You’re only four years older than I am,” Seth said defensively. He wasn’t going to think about being in an empty house with Jason, knowing Chris and Jesse wouldn’t be back until after breakfast. He wanted to sleep tonight, thank you very much. “You make it sound like you’re old enough to be my father.”
“Not quite that old,” Chris said, “but old enough to know what you’re feeling and young enough to sympathize. Do you know when Sam and Jeremy are coming to get their stuff?”
“Caine said in a couple of days, but nothing specific,” Seth said.
“I’ll talk to Caine tomorrow,” Chris said. “If it isn’t going to be tomorrow or the day after, Jesse and I will make ourselves scarce. Give you and Jason some privacy for a night.”
“I already said you didn’t have to do that.”
“I know we don’t have to,” Chris said, “but you didn’t ask. I offered. There’s a difference.”
Not as far as Seth was concerned.
“Jason probably has everything you’ll need since he was seeing Cooper, but there are supplies in the bathroom—”
“I’m not listening to this,” Seth said, plugging his ears with his hands. “My brother didn’t just offer me condoms and lube so I could have safe sex. This is not my life.”
He fled into his bedroom to the sound of Chris’s laughter. Let him laugh. Seth wasn’t budging, and he wasn’t going to ask Chris for advice either. Jason wasn’t a novice. He could show Seth what to do. It would still be embarrassing as hell, but at least it wouldn’t be his brother giving him lessons. That didn’t bear thinking about.
He sat down on the bed and unwrapped his hand. Jason had offered to take a look at it, but Carley had waylaid him after dinner. Seth didn’t know when or even if Jason would make it back tonight, and he could see blood on the gauze Sarah had used. Better to clean and redress it now.
He went into the bathroom to wash it out again. He could hear Chris and Jesse’s voices in the other room, and he just knew Chris was telling Jesse about their conversation. When Jesse’s booming laughter resonated through the house, he had all the proof he needed. Chris’s teasing was good-natured. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he’d never given Seth more of a hard time than Seth gave right back, but this was different. This meant something. It meant everything.
It meant too much.
He was in so far over his head. He had to keep it together. Jason deserved so much more than Seth could give him in his current state. He deserved someone who could love him without flipping out over it. He deserved someone who could be happy instead of searching for flaws every time things looked good. Seth was no good for him, and the only person who couldn’t see it was Jason. Oh, everyone had said all the right things, but Seth wasn’t fooled. He was a punk from the gutter with no real right to be here with Jason, or with any of these strong, grounded men. He was a broken piece of trash that not even his mother could love. Maybe Jason hadn’t figured it out yet, but he would. He’d see Seth for what he was, and when he did, he’d leave, like everyone els
e had. Seth didn’t deserve a happy ending, but Jason did, so he’d let Jason go—back to Cooper or on to someone else, it didn’t matter. Jason would have a shot at happiness with someone who could be what he deserved.
With shaking hands, Seth opened the cabinet over the sink to get out a fresh bandage. His razor sat on the bottom shelf where he’d left it after he shaved that morning. He shouldn’t pick it up. He already had the cut on his hand. He could pour alcohol on that if he needed pain to get himself back together, and if anyone asked, he’d have an explanation for the cut and the alcohol. If he picked up the razor, he’d have a cut Jason might see and would want an explanation for. An explanation Seth couldn’t give him, because how could Jason with his picture-perfect family and happy-ever-after dreams possibly understand what would drive Seth to hurt himself? How could Jason ever understand that controlling the pain helped Seth control everything else too?
If he didn’t pick it up, he wouldn’t make it out of the bathroom without shaking apart.
He took a deep breath and then another one, trying to steady himself enough that he could ignore the urge to cut, but the longer he stood there, the louder the siren call of pain became. He grabbed the alcohol and dumped it over the cut on his hand. Tears coursed down his face as he bit back the urge to shout from the pain, but it wasn’t enough to silence the thoughts in his head. It had never been like this. He’d never spun this far out of control. He had to make it stop. He could make a small cut, just a nick, really, and Jason would never even notice it was there. They kissed and snuggled in bed at night, too aware of Chris and Jesse down the hall to do more than that. Jason wouldn’t even see a little scab.
Seth reached for the razor before he could talk himself out of it. He pulled down his jeans and examined his legs. The cut he’d made before had healed to a faded pink line. In another few days it would be gone entirely. He didn’t want to reopen it, though. He didn’t want a scar because in a few days, they’d move into Sam and Jeremy’s old house and when that happened, Jason would want to do more than kiss and cuddle. He’d want to touch and kiss and explore and—
