by Tara Sivec
“Okay,” I tell her, letting my wine buzz speak for me as I slap my phone into her hand.
She’s had just as much wine to drink as I have, it’s not like she’s sober enough to do anything that bad.
Chapter 11
– Handy –
Molly
“I can’t believe I took a red-eye flight home for this shit,” Ava complains, shaking her head at me in disappointment as she perches on the edge of our mother’s desk at Seduction and Snacks.
“Hey, I told you on the phone last night what was going on. It’s not my fault you felt the need to get the first flight out,” I argue.
Today was my first official day at the headquarters of our family business in the test kitchen. I had a glorious day working alone in the huge industrial kitchen while I got busy tweaking some of the old recipes, and then Ava had to come in and ruin my good mood by dragging me away from my happy place and into mom’s empty office on the other side of the building while she was out running errands.
“Charlotte tore me a new asshole for spilling the beans to Mom and Dad so I figured coming home early in your time of need was the least I could do,” she informs me. “I still can’t believe she’s making you do this shit for her, and I can’t believe you actually agreed to it.”
I was so busy trying to decipher a bunch of weird, random text messages Marco sent last night that when my cell phone rang, I quickly answered it without checking caller I.D., hoping it was him. Ava screamed at me for fifteen minutes about getting pregnant and how she had to find out from Tyler instead of me. When I finally managed to shut her up and tell her the truth, she said she was coming home and hung up before I could say anything else.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time, and did you not hear me when I told you everything she agreed to give me?” I ask.
“Who cares about that shit? Tell me more about this hot teacher of yours that’s standing in as the baby daddy,” she says with a wicked smile. “Charlotte said his name is Mo or something.”
Rolling my eyes, I push myself up from the chair in the middle of the room and start to pace. “His name is Marco, not Mo, and he’s not my teacher. Not anymore at least, you know, since I graduated.”
I pause, wondering if she’ll acknowledge my big accomplishment since no one else seems to have remembered now that they have my fake baby on the brain. I’m trying not to let it get to me that no one in my family has said a word about how all of my hard work for the last two years has successfully come to an end. Even today, my first official day of work, which was temporarily scheduled six months ago barring I passed my final, went unnoticed. When I announced I was going to work this morning and waited for it to click in with my mother, all she did was hand me a prenatal vitamin and told me not to take it on an empty stomach.
“Mmmmmm, Marco,” she purrs. “Me likey. He already sounds hot, tell me more.”
Feeling stupid for thinking Ava of all people would be the one to congratulate me, I continue pacing.
“All guys name their penis, so don’t be embarrassed about that. Although Humpy the Wonder Penis is a little much,” she muses, causing me to stop pacing.
“Where the hell did you get my cell phone?!” I yell, trying to take it from her, but she moves quickly and smacks my hand away.
“I grabbed it from the kitchen counter before I dragged you in here,” she laughs, continuing to read the string of weird texts I got from Marco last night. “You should know better than to leave your phone lying around for just anyone to take.”
I haven’t even had a chance to try and decipher those texts, and now Ava is going to make it worse.
“Humpy likes to wear green dresses and bananas are delicious,” she reads one of the texts out loud. “Yikes, how much time did you say he spent alone with Uncle Drew?”
I finally manage to overpower her and snatch my phone out of her hands. “Your boyfriend dresses up like a horse, your opinion is invalid!”
She hops off of her desk and puts her hands on her hips. “It’s not a horse, it’s as PONY, show some respect!”
There are so many things I could say right now, but I decide to keep them to myself because spending any amount of time thinking about what Ava and her Brony boyfriend do when they’re alone makes me was to dunk my head in a tub full of bleach.
“I see what you’re doing by trying to turn this around on me,” she says casually, dropping her hands from her hips to lean back against the edge of the desk. “You’re avoiding the real issue.”
I scoff. “Really? I’m pretending to be pregnant because our sister is too afraid to tell her fiancé the truth. I’m fucking up my life, so she can live happily ever after. How is that avoiding ANY subject?”
She waves me off with a flap of her hand.
“Pshaw, b-o-r-i-n-g,” she says in a sing-song voice. “I’m much more interested on you being a pregnant virgin. Let’s discuss that.”
“Oh, my GOD, is nothing sacred in this family?!” I shout in irritation.
And here I thought Charlotte and I finally had a moment in the doctor’s office. She probably called Ava five seconds after we left.
“Sacred? You’re kidding, right?” she laughs. “Uncle Drew puts a picture of his balls on their Christmas card every year, and forever ruined Taco Tuesday night at mom and dad’s when he told us Aunt Jenny’s vagina can hold two taco shells without spilling the contents. The sacred ship sailed long before we were born.”
I cringe, remembering there are much worse things to have floating around in my brain aside from Ava and her pony-loving boyfriend.
“I think we need to discuss when you plan on telling this Marco guy that you haven’t lost your virginity,” she smirks.
I feel my face heat with embarrassment as she stares at me. Forget the whole fake pregnancy thing. That is a piece of cake compared to this torture.
“And don’t bother trying to make up some lie about how he’s just a guy and it’s no big deal,” she warns me. “Charlotte already told me how cute you two are together and how you’ve been all girly and emo that he hasn’t called since he met the family.”
My mouth drops open in indignation. “I have NOT been girly and emo!”
“So you haven’t been checking your phone every two minutes and kept yourself locked in your bedroom playing the soundtrack from The Virgin Suicides on repeat?” she asks with a knowing smile.
First Charlotte and now my mother. Forget moving across town, I’m moving to Mexico.
“It’s a good soundtrack!” I argue lamely.
“From a movie about five sisters who commit suicide!” she replies. “I repeat, girly and emo.”
I groan, throwing my hands up in the air.
“Fine! I really like the guy, and he said he really likes me too which I guess is obvious considering that he agreed to do something so crazy to help me out, but then all the idiots we’re related to got ahold of him and he traded in his macho sports car for a mom van, came home smelling like pee and threw up hotdogs for the next two days where I only heard from him twice until last night when he kept sending me texts about bananas wearing dresses, and I’m pretty sure our family ruined him permanently and I’ll never see him again,” I ramble so fast I barely comprehend what is coming out of my mouth.
Fortunately, Ava speaks fluent rambling nonsense and nods her head in understanding.
“Yeah, Charlotte told me about the bag of dicks thing, too. Bravo to Marco for finally putting an end to that argument so we don’t have to listen to it at yet another Thanksgiving dinner,” she says. “He’s not completely ignoring you, so obviously they didn’t scare him away for good. The poor guy had to deal with a lot in one day, so cut him some slack. He took his own life in his hands, and you didn’t even put out when it was over. That guy is a saint.”
Even though my life is on the verge of imploding all because of Charlotte, I can’t deny that it was sort of nice when we did have that little moment in the doctor’s office, and she’s called and te
xted me nonstop since then checking to see if I’ve heard anything more from Marco, like she actually cares. And I’m more than a little surprised that I actually like it.
If Charlotte is the sister I can talk about stupid girl stuff with like my feelings, and it doesn’t make me break out in hives, I suppose I can suck it up and give Ava a chance to give me her expertise—sex.
“There’s no way he expected to get sex after that…” I mutter, biting my bottom lip as I think it over. “Right? I mean, sure we’ve known each other for two years, but that was the first time we ever hung out and said more than a handful of words to each other.”
She laughs and shakes her head at me. “Oh, little sister, you have so much to learn. Tyler expects sex if he remember to put the toilet seat down. Marco met your family on the first date AND had to put up with everyone looking at him the entire time while they pictured him sticking his penis in their little girl. He had to deal with the fact that our parent’s brains gave his dick more action than his dick actually got. You’re right, sex might have been a bit much, but you could have thrown the guy a bone and given him a handy or something.”
I’m pretty sure studying Urban Dictionary would be more beneficial than asking for Ava’s advice on sex.
“Can you be serious for one minute?” I ask in irritation. “I don’t need you making fun of me for not jerking him off at the end of the night. I’m sure touching a guy’s penis when he’s throwing up six pounds of hotdogs is no big deal for you, but it’s just a little bit out of my comfort zone.”
She crosses her arms and speaks to me matter-of-factly. “I am always serious when it comes to sex. While it’s true that I happen to have some experience with the aforementioned during a recent bout of the stomach flu and Tyler insisting it was the only way he could stop throwing up, I assure you it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
I never thought I’d see the day when I’d rather talk about Bronies…
“I’m not making fun of you, Molly,” she continues. “To avoid any confusion, my advice would be to tell Marco the truth. If he knows you’re a virgin, his expectations won’t be as high and you won’t constantly be worrying that he’s waiting for you to do something.”
I shake my head at her and roll my eyes. “I can’t just come right out and tell him something like that, it’s embarrassing.”
“Really?” she scoffs. “More embarrassing than our father picturing Marco spraying his seed all up in your business whenever he looks at you?”
“Eeeeeew!” I groan in disgust. “Come on!”
“It’s not like you have to give him all the details about Quinn Curtis in the back of his dad’s Honda Civic and explain that you sort of had sex, but you’re still a virgin because they guy has a micro penis,” she informs me.
“Jesus, is there anything Charlotte DIDN’T tell you?” I complain.
“Oh, Charlotte didn’t tell me that. I read your texts two days after prom,” she informs me with a shrug. “Don’t feel bad. I dated his older brother for a week in high school and gave him a blowjob after a football game. I open my mouth wider when I whistle. It runs in the family.”
I close my eyes and start rubbing the tips of my fingers against my temples, wondering if it’s possible for a brain to literally explode.
“Here, let’s practice,” she announces. “Repeat after me. Marco, I haven’t lost my virginity yet.”
I drop my hands from the side of my head and glare at her.
“I’m not just going to blurt out that I haven’t lost my virginity. I didn’t lose it, I know exactly where it is. It’s in my vagina where it will remain until the right time comes along,” I tell her indignantly.
“This guy has seen Uncle Drew’s balls!” she argues. “In a Walmart parking lot, for God’s sakes! There is no such thing as the right time when Uncle Drew’s balls have already made an appearance. Do you want to have sex with this guy?”
I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes.”
“Then be loud and be proud!” she shouts, throwing her fist in the air. “I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you!”
Since I made the mistake of staying in the room and letting Ava give me her stupid expertise instead of plugging my ears and running away as fast as I could, I might as well get this over with so I can pretend like it never happened.
“I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you,” I mumble under my breath.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” she says, holding her hand to her ear.
“I HAVEN’T LOST IT YET, BUT I WANT TO LOSE IT WITH YOU!” I yell at the top of my lungs.
“Lost what? Do you need help finding something?”
I scream and whirl around, wishing immediately that the whole brain explosion thing would have happened a few minutes ago. I’d kind of like to be dead right about now.
“Sorry for interrupting, but the woman at the front desk told me you were in here.” Marco smiles at me before glancing over my shoulder. “Hi, I’m Marco Desoto. You must be Molly’s other sister, Ava.”
“Ooooh, an Italian Stallion,” she whispers. “You won’t have to worry about an inchworm penis with this one.”
“I heard you yelling about losing something, need some help?” Marco asks, his eyes roaming around the office.
Ava snorts unladylike and I’m too busy waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me to care.
“I’m pretty good at finding things,” Marco announces. “Did you lose your keys? Wallet? Cell phone?”
I’m unable to make my mouth work or form words, and all I can do is watch in mortification as he starts digging through the couch cushions of the love seat against the wall.
“Am I hot or cold?” Marco asks as he moves to a side table and pulls open the drawer.
“I don’t know, what do you think, Molly?” Ava laughs.
“I know it’s stupid, but did you try your pants?” Marco asks, oblivious to how much enjoyment Ava is getting out this. “I think I lose things all the time and then find them in the most obvious places.”
He walks right up to me and starts patting my hips while my sister tries to stifle her giggles behind me.
“I think you’re getting warmer, Marco. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for in her pants,” Ava informs him.
Even though the combination of wanting to die and the feel of Marco’s warm hands running up and down my hips has turned me stupid, I finally manage to recover enough bodily function to turn my head and glare over my shoulder at Ava.
“I will murder you in your sleep,” I whisper through clenched teeth.
She ignores me, grabbing an old-fashioned calligraphy dip pen from the top of mom’s desk that she found at an antique store a few months ago, holding it up in the air.
“Oh, look! I found it!” she announces with a big smile. “It’s a gift for you, Marco. Molly tried to give it to someone else a few years ago, but he didn’t know what to do with it.”
I snarl at her as Marco drops his hands from my hips and reaches around me to take the pen from her outstretched hand.
“Wow, this is pretty cool,” he muses. “I actually know how to use one of these, too. I took a calligraphy class as an elective in college.”
“Awwww, did you hear that, Molly? He knows what to do with this gift you’re giving him,” she says happily.
“You just have to be careful. It can get really messy if you go too fast or don’t know what you’re doing,” Marco adds.
“Very messy, especially the first time. Never use it on a bed with white sheets,” Ava says with a nod.
“A bed?” Marco laughs. “On top of a table is a better idea.”
Her eyes light up. “Ooooh, kinky. I like you already, Marco.”
Grabbing Marco’s hand before this gets even more out of hand, I drag him to the door, staring at Ava as I go, making sure my eyes convey that she should sleep with one eye open for the rest of her life.
“It was nice meeting you, Ava!
” Marco shouts as I pull him out the door.
“See you soon, Humpy banana penis!” she yells back.
Marco groans as I hustle him down the hall and as far away from my sister as possible.
“Oh, God, she saw the texts I sent you? This is mortifying,” he complains as I push open the front doors of the building and pull him outside.
“Don’t talk to me about mortifying until your sister tells you about giving her boyfriend a hand-job to make him stop puking,” I mutter.
“Wait, that’s a thing? I can’t believe I’ve wasted all these years asking for 7-up when there was a much better alternative,” he says in awe.
I can’t believe the things that come out of your mouth remind me of something my family would say, and it makes me like you even more.
I need therapy.
Chapter 12
– Dammit, Ian –
Marco
I know it would be wrong to ask Molly to say “hand-job” again just so I can stare at her lips as they form the words, but that doesn’t stop me from silently wishing upon a star.
Spending two days away from her was the worst decision I’ve ever made. She didn’t look as happy to see me as I’d hoped when I walked in on her and Ava a few minutes ago. I don’t know if it’s because she’s pissed at me for my disappearing act, pissed at me for the God awful drunk texts Rosa sent to her after I’d passed out on our mother’s kitchen floor, or pissed at me that I didn’t find what she’d lost back in the office. Right when I opened my mouth to apologize for all three just to cover all the bases, she had to go and say “hand-job,” and now my dick and my brain are doing shots and partying it up in the gutter instead of paying attention.
“So, what brings you to Seduction and Snacks today?” Molly asks, stopping next to my van I left parked at the curb in front of the building.
“You look really pretty today,” I tell her with a smile, knowing all women appreciate compliments. It should be a piece of cake to soften Molly up and make it easier for her to look beyond my avoidance of her the last couple of days.
