by Tara Sivec
“How about you just fuck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.
She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.
“Molly, please—”
“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.
I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.
Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.
“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.
Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.
“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe fucking website…”
On that note, I turn and walk away from the table. I keep my head down as the tears start to fall when I realize Marco isn’t going to chase after me, a shout from Uncle Drew making this night even more sad and pathetic.
“Shit! I can’t believe someone erased my toe-fucking link. Dammit, Tom Brady!”
Chapter 23
– Smell the Meat –
Marco
Like the fucking coward I am, I left the rehearsal dinner last night with my tail tucked between my legs as soon as Molly walked away from me with tears in her eyes. Well, as soon as Drew made me watch twenty minutes of foot fetish porn and Tyler told me he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me Viagra, but it would involve me stripping at something called BronyCon that I was afraid to ask about.
I knew this would happen and I knew it would fuck up everything, but like an idiot, I just kept putting it off until it all blew up in my face. And blow up it did when a blast from my man-whore past showed up and ruined my life.
Fucking Megan Levine…that chocolate sauce chapter wasn’t even about her, but the one with the recipe for a strawberry sauce to add to your bath water for a fresh smelling vagina was. That chick had a nice rack, but her pussy smelled like ham, and not delicious, Easter Sunday ham either. Like ten-day-old rancid lunchmeat ham.
Stupid Megan Levine and her stupid ham vagina.
“Did you call my guy’s guy about the dick drugs?”
Tyler comes up next to me and hands me a beer while I stare across the room at Molly. I tried to talk to her earlier at the wedding ceremony, but she pretended like I didn’t exist and refused to even look at me. I’m not leaving this reception until she lets me apologize and explain.
“I don’t need dick drugs, Tyler, we were talking about a soufflé,” I clarify, watching Molly duck down under the head table again for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes.
What the hell is she doing?
“Is that like, French or something? I kind of like it. It sounds more dignified to say I fucked a soufflé,” he muses. “Is that gonna be in the next book? Can I get an advanced copy?”
I chug my beer for some liquid courage and prepare to head over to Molly, dragging her out of here if I need to.
“The next book is called Baking and Babies and has nothing to do with the fucking of desserts,” I tell him with a sigh.
“Baking babies? Dude, that’s hard-core. I mean, I know kids are annoying and shit, but cooking them? Can you even do that?” he asks.
I watch Molly pop back up from under the table and stand, wobbling a little as she clutches onto the back of her chair. She’s so fucking beautiful it makes me want to cry. I’ve heard women complain about being forced to wear ugly bridesmaid dresses, but there is nothing ugly about the short purple, satin strapless dress clinging to Molly’s body. Her hair is up in some fancy do with a few pieces hanging down around her face and my hands have been itching all day to pull out the pins holding it in place so I could watch the silky dark locks spill around her naked shoulders.
“I guess you can slather BBQ sauce on just about anything and it will taste good, but I just don’t know if I could stomach eating an actual baby, no matter what you baste it in.”
While Tyler continues to talk to himself, I shove my empty bottle at him start walking towards the head table.
“What about Ranch?” Tyler shouts after me. “I might eat a baby if you put Ranch on it.”
A few people try to stop and talk to me, but I ignore them and keep my eye on the prize. When I’m a few feet away from the head table, the DJ comes up behind Gavin and Charlotte and speaks into his microphone.
“If everyone could have a seat, we’re going to get started with the toasts before dinner is served,” he announces to the room.
The reception hall is filled with the sounds of chairs scraping across the floor as everyone sits down. With a quick glance around me, I realize I’m the only one still standing so I quickly grab an empty seat at the nearest table as the DJ hands the microphone to Molly.
She grabs it and moves to stand behind Gavin and Charlotte, swaying a little when she stops and I immediately realize what she was doing each time she disappeared out of sight under the table.
“This is going to be amazing. She’s so wasted,” Ava whispers with a laugh as she pulls up a chair next to me and flops down.
“Shouldn’t you be up there with the rest of the bridal party? And why the hell did you let her drink so much?” I ask in a quiet, angry voice.
Molly blows loudly into the microphone, the speakers screeching with feedback as everyone in the room winces from the ear piercing noise.
“I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that she’s been inhaling a bottle of vodka under the table since she got here,” Ava tells me while Molly giggles into the microphone and apologizes to everyone. “I went to get her some black coffee from the kitchen, but they haven’t brewed any yet.”
“I’d like to thank everyone for coming out tonight to celebrate the joyous union of my perfect sister and her perfect Gavin,” Molly starts, holding her champagne glass in the air.
“I hope someone is filming this,” Ava laughs.
“Aren’t they just sooooooooo perfect?” Molly asks sarcastically.
“We need to do something. This is not good,” I mutter.
“Are you kidding me? This is amazing. Charlotte has been a raging bitch to us all day, reminding us to keep our mouth’s shut every five minutes so we wouldn’t ruin her perfect day,” Ava explains while Molly starts to pace behind a nervous-looking Charlotte and a confused-looking Gavin. “I love Charlotte, but I fully support whatever Molly is about to do. Charlotte has been so concerned with having the perfect wedding that she doesn’t even realize none of this shit matters in the long run.”
I definitely agree with Ava, but I really don’t want Molly doing something she’s going to regret. Giving a drunk speech in front of two-hundred friends and family when half of them think she’s pregnant might be a bad idea.
“Also, you’re lucky I’m wearing a dress and not kicking your ass right now,” Ava tells me with a glare while Molly instructs everyone to hold up their glasses for her toast. “I don’t know what you did to my sister last night, but it must have been pretty bad for her to cry. I’ve never seen that bitch cry. She collects jars of other people’s tears under her bed, she never sheds them herself. What did you do?”
I open my mouth to tell her it’s a long story and I plan on doing whatever I can to fix it when the sound of loud, heavy breathing echoes through the room.
“Hold on a second. I need to take these fucking heels off, my feet are killing me,” Molly says, the words sounding even more garbled since she has her mouth pressed right up against the microphone while she leans against the wall and quickly removes her shoes.
She chucks them right over Ch
arlotte and Gavin’s head and they land in the middle of the front table where her parents and aunt and uncles are seated.
“WOOOHOOOOO TAKE IT OFF!” Drew shouts, grabbing one of her shoes and waving it around above his head.
Claire punches him in the arm and I hear her yell at him about Molly being his niece, Drew quickly lowering his arm and his lips form the words, “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”
Molly starts walking behind the bridal party, stopping when she gets to a small table at the end that holds trays of appetizers.
“So, I guess you guys all heard that I’m knocked up,” she speaks into the microphone, setting her glass down on the table.
“Did she say she’s getting locked up? I didn’t know Molly was going to prison,” someone whispers loudly.
I turn my head and realize I sat down at Molly’s grandfather’s table and he’s currently giving me the stink eye while Sue shakes her head sadly and he chews on a toothpick.
“Skull-fucker,” Molly’s grandpa mouths silently, pulling the toothpick out of his mouth and pointing it at me.
I swallow nervously and turn back around to watch the train wreck in front of me, wondering if I should go up there and take the microphone away from Molly or if that would just make things worse.
One of the groomsmen leans to the side and holds his hand out for the microphone and Molly smacks him on the hand with it.
“Fuck off! I’m in the middle of something here,” Molly shouts when she brings the mic back up to her mouth. “Where was I?”
Yep, going up there would probably be worse.
She grabs one of the trays from the appetizer table and unsteadily carries it back to her original spot behind the bride and groom.
“Oh, yeah,” she continues, dropping the tray onto the table next to Charlotte. “So, this one day I was minding my own business, and then BAM, I was suddenly knocked up. And here’s the funny thing, I hadn’t even had sex! I know, right?”
Charlotte drops her head to the table and Molly laughs.
“Well, I mean, there was this one time with Pez Penis but that doesn’t count, and then like, fifteen times with a guy I thought loved me and those TOTALLY count and they were awesome because he doesn’t have a Pez Penis, but he’s a liar and he lied and I threw up on his penis and everything and he still lied,” Molly says with a sniffle.
“Did she say she threw up on a penis?” Sue whispers.
“God dammit, you heard that? There goes my Wednesday blow jobs,” Molly’s grandfather grumbles.
“DAMN YOU, TOM BRADY!”
I don’t even need to turn my head to see who yelled that, especially when I hear Jenny tell him to shut the hell up because Molly is trying to confess her sins to cleanse Aurora.
“I’m so happy my sister married the love of her life and had the most perfect wedding ever,” Molly continues. “I’m so glad she gets to live happily ever after when my life sucks and it never would have sucked in the first place if I didn’t have Cletus the Fetus and a liar liar-pants baby daddy who can’t get it up!”
This half of the room all whip their heads in my direction with shocked expressions on their face and I throw my hands up in the air.
“It was a soufflé, dammit! I collapsed a soufflé,” I tell them.
“Say it with a French accent, dude! It doesn’t sound as pervy that way!” Tyler shouts from the back of the room.
“Is Molly drunk? Isn’t that bad for the baby?” Uncle Carter asks his wife.
“Oh yeah, she’s trashed. Just wait for it,” Claire tells him with a smile.
“Is there something I need to know?” Jim questions Liz.
“You just sit there and look pretty, honey,” Liz says with a smile, patting the top of his hand.
“I’d like everyone to raise their glasses and toast the happy, perfect couple sitting right here looking all happy and perfect,” Molly tells the room.
While everyone awkwardly lifts their glasses, Molly grabs a huge handful of something from the tray she dropped to the table and then taps Charlotte on the head with the microphone.
Charlotte slowly lifts her head as Molly sticks her hand right up to her face.
“What the hell are you doing? Get that away from me,” Charlotte whines, the microphone just barely picking up her words.
“What’s wrong, Charlotte? It’s just some cured meats from your antipasto appetizer. Mmmmmmm, meat. Don’t they smell good? Like meat. Mmmmmmm lunchmeat,” Molly says into the microphone, waving a fist full of cold cuts in front of Charlotte’s nose.
Charlotte covers her mouth with one hand and shakes her head back and forth frantically.
“Smell the meat, Charlotte, SMELL IT!” Molly yells.
“This is a very strange wedding toast,” one of the guests whispers loudly from another table.
Charlotte tries to back away from Molly’s meat holding hand, but Molly moves right along with her and smacks her hand full of cold cuts against Charlotte’s chest. They stick to her skin as Molly pulls her hand away and laughs into the microphone.
Charlotte takes one horrified look down at the meat stuck to her chest and her cheeks puff out as she leans forward and throws up all over the table.
The room explodes in a chorus of groans and a couple of gags, but Gavin’s voice can still be heard above the noise.
“Shit! I thought you said your flu was finally gone?” he asks his new bride, grabbing a napkin to help her wipe her mouth.
“She doesn’t have the flu, you dumbass!” Molly informs him. “She’s got the meat sweats, isn’t that right, Charlotte?”
Charlotte’s hand flies back to her mouth, and she turns her head to glare at Molly.
“Stop talking about meat!” she screams behind her hand.
“Fine. SOUP, SOUP, SOUP! CREAMY SOUP, CHUNKY SOUP, GREASY, LUMPY, SOUP, SOUP, SOUP!” Molly yells into the microphone.
Charlotte’s eyes get so wide I’m surprised they don’t pop out of her head. Sweat drips down from her forehead and she quickly presses her other hand on top of the first one, holding them both as hard as she can against her mouth.
“Honestly, Molly, if you want soup that bad just ask the caterer, there’s no need to yell,” Gavin complains while he continues consoling his wife.
As soon as Gavin says the word soup, Charlotte’s body jerks with a heave and she presses her hands harder against her face to keep the vomit in.
“I know I should go up there and do something, but it’s like I’m watching a bus full of people slam into a brick wall,” Ava mumbles. “It’s horrifying and mesmerizing at the same time.”
Molly holds the microphone against her mouth and leans in close to Charlotte.
“Say it, out loud,” Molly growls.
“Who is Edward, from Twilight?!” Drew shouts excitedly.
“Oh, I get it now. This is like a wedding version of Jeopardy. Soup and meat, soup and meat…” Jenny says, scratching her head as she thinks. “Oh, I know! What are astrophysicists?!”
Drew looks at her in confusion and she rolls her eyes.
“You know, like chocolate and oysters and other stuff that makes people horny,” Jenny explains.
“Say it, or I will!” Molly yells at Charlotte.
“Fine!” Charlotte shouts back, dropping her hands from her face and turning to look at Gavin.
“Molly was never pregnant. It was me the whole time, and I’m sorry for lying to you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me and I love you so much, and I didn’t want to lose you and I just wanted us to have the perfect wedding, and I know you probably hate me now and Molly hates me and my parents hate me, and I just threw up in front of everyone I know and I’m sorry I made Molly do this for me, but it’s not my fault your boyfriend lied to you about writing porn and WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS SALAMI SMELL LIKE ROTTEN ASS?!” Charlotte screams at the end of her rambling explanation.
“Pumpkin Roll Punany, bro!” Tyler shouts, pounding his fist against his heart and then pointing at me with a wink a
nd a big smile.
“Cheers, mother fuckers!” Molly yells as she leans back from Charlotte. “Gilmore, OUT!”
With that, Molly throws her arm out in front of her and drops the microphone as it screeches with more feedback, thumping loudly through the speakers when it hits the floor.
Everyone mumbles a confused “cheers” in response, but they don’t get a chance to drink when all of a sudden a loud, banshee-like scream comes out of Charlotte’s mouth as she jumps up from her chair and lunges at Molly.
Ava and I fly up from our chairs as Charlotte quickly grabs the tray of antipasto salad, jerking it in Molly’s direction as she charges her. Huge piles of salami and thinly sliced ham soar through the air and smack against the front of Molly’s dress.
“Let’s see how YOU like the meat sweats!” Charlotte screams as Molly reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out a fist-full of ham.
“I happen to LOVE the meat sweats! Too bad we don’t have any ground meat so I could shove it in your fat ass granny panties and you can see what it will be like to have a slimy, meaty vagina in a few months!” Molly screams back.
“I think I’m going to puke now,” Gavin mutters, pressing his hands to his stomach.
The parents and aunts and uncles all jump up from their table and join Ava and I in a race around the bridal table as Molly and Charlotte scream in unison and start whipping lunch meat at each other’s faces.
“EAT THE SLIMY HAM, YOU SLUTTY PREGNANT DICK!” Molly yells, snatching a clump of meat from the table and shoving it against Charlotte’s mouth with one hand while she grabs a handful of Charlotte’s veil and holds her head still with the other.
“YOU EAT IT, YOU PENIS-PUKING-PORN-WRITER-FUCKER-WHORE-FACE!” Charlotte screams back, jerking her face from side to side as Molly keeps trying to shove ham in her mouth.
Ava and I get to Molly first and we both wrap our arms around her, pulling her away from Charlotte as she kicks and screams and curses. Liz and Jim do the same to Charlotte, and we all manage to separate the girls as they continue to fling cold cuts at each other while we drag them apart.
