“You’re being modest.” Cassidy waved his spoon at her.
Lillian’s cheeks warmed, and she glanced at Warren, who shrugged with a sweet smile. She grew hotter and focused on her food.
“Anyone else exhausted?” Cassidy yawned.
“Of course, idiot,” Emron huffed.
“You’re just grumpy because you have the first watch.”
“You know what’d make me feel better?” Emron raised a fist and Cassidy skirted away.
“Now, now, let’s save our energy,” Cassidy reasoned.
Now that it was getting dark, the evil feeling inside of Lillian slipped about more freely. She’d managed to keep her nightmares to herself so far, but they didn’t seem to be getting any better. She understood that traumatic events often brought nightmares, but these were different from anything she’d ever experienced. They felt too real, like she was somewhere else while sleeping, somewhere dark and filled with terror. Just take it one night at a time, she reminded herself. Watching Warren and his friends laugh and banter made the coming night less scary. Lillian smiled, just focus on this.
Lillian jolted up, gasping for air. Once she calmed her breathing, she recalled what had woken her. A shiver ran down her spine. It was the same as always. Glancing to her pillow, her stomach knotted. She wasn’t ready to close her eyes again. That awful darkness might swallow her for sure.
Across the camp, Emron faced the night alone, and although she hadn’t spoken to him very much, she needed a respite from the evil that lingered over her resting place. She tiptoed to his side. Even hunched forward, he was massive. She tried not to let his size intimidate her. He was just a person after all—right?
“H-hi,” Lillian said.
Silence.
Lillian watched the forest, trying her hardest not to be bothersome.
“I was having trouble sleeping.” Lillian wrung her hands together. She couldn’t go back to her bedroll yet, but staying felt so awkward. “Can I sit with you? Just for a bit?”
She wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw him nod slightly, and sat before questioning his movement too much. She twisted a strand of hair between her fingers.
Thoughts of her dad floated through her memories. What would he think if he saw her now? He’d be shocked and a little pleased to see her getting out of her comfort zone. She smiled at the thought of his laughter as he’d say, “Well, this is one thing I didn’t expect to see my little girl doing.”
He said that to her often, like when she’d decided to be a healer like her mom. She missed the ashy scent he came home with after working in the forge all day. It was still hard to believe that he was gone. Working late had been common for him. It wasn’t until the next day that she found out about the forge’s collapse. Her heart ached at the two-year-old memory.
Lillian looked over at Emron. The deafening silence pounded in her ears, but she couldn’t find a way to start a conversation naturally.
“I miss my dad,” Lillian said. “He died two years ago, when the collapses got bad…He was one of my best friends. He was always so loving and selfless, even when my mother died, he still set aside his grief to help me.”
She paused. “To tell the truth, I don’t know why I’m out here. I thought maybe getting out would help, but it still hurts. What am I supposed to do? How do I make it stop hurting?”
Lillian watched Emron, hoping to find an answer, but he remained silent. This was a mistake. She stood.
“I’m sorry to hear about your father. Losing someone you love is hard. You can’t do anything to make it stop hurting. Just cope. That’s all you can do. And Lillian,” he said. “If you ever want to talk...”
Lillian nodded, relieved to hear him speak. For the first time since meeting him, she felt like they’d connected. Ambling back to her bedroll, she snuggled under the blanket, and fell asleep without so much as a quiver.
27
T he filtered light of another day crawled from behind ominous clouds. Warren and his team packed their bedrolls. Muted shadows stretched lazily over the earth. The fragrance of morning dew warned him of a coming winter, though it remained months away. Over the course of the last several weeks, the forest had lost a few trees, and the ground became unfavorable.
Thick slabs of rock blocked their path. Warren stepped up a three-foot-tall rock and glanced back at his team. He wasn’t surprised to see Lillian having trouble keeping pace. He patiently hiked alongside her until she had recovered her strength, then increased the pace again.
After doing this several times, he noticed she had slowed to a crawl. She needed a break. And though his team could continue for a while longer, resting for a few minutes wouldn't hurt them either. He called for a break.
Lillian sat on a flat rock in the shade with a sigh and raised her waterskin to her lips.
“She’s holding up better than I expected,” Cassidy said from Warren’s right.
Warren turned to him.
“So what do you think of her?” Cassidy asked.
“She’s handled being attacked, then banished remarkably well, and I’m glad to have a healer on the team,” Warren said.
Cassidy eyed Warren, then shook his head with a laugh.
“What?”
“Nothin’. Don’t worry about it.”
Warren raised an eyebrow. Anything that was nothin’ to Cassidy spelled trouble.
Cassidy meandered to his wife and kissed her on the cheek. Warren had to admire the two of them. They made a marriage work during a war. Warren frowned, thinking of his own romantic history. With a past so soaked in blood, he doubted any woman would want to be with him. Warren sat down with an exhale. He didn’t deserve a woman’s love after everything he’d done. When this war ended, he’d accept his fate for the lives he’d lost.
After resting for a few minutes, the team set out again. As Warren expected, Lillian’s pace increased after the break. He hated that he’d dragged her into such a mess, but when she smiled at him, she didn’t seem to mind.
As the evening sky darkened, they reached the tremendous base of the mountain.
Warren pulled off his helmet. "Cassidy, you mind getting a fire going?"
The air felt cooler than the rest of the forest. He assumed the ominous storm clouds hanging over the mountain were the cause.
"Yeah, sure.” Cassidy shot a glance up the ridge before turning back to the forest to gather wood.
As the night drifted on, silence settled over the camp. Warren had taken up his post next to the blazing fire. The heat of the flames warmed him enough to make him drowsy, and the gentle echo of the forest didn't help, yet he remained awake. He had seen his share of long watches—this was no different.
The sound of shifting shale farther up the mountain caught his attention. Warren stood, his hand drifting over the gilded pommel of his sword. To the right, he glimpsed small rocks sliding down the slope. Warren clenched the worn grip of his blade but left it sheathed as he investigated. A small collection of rocks was piled at the foot of the incline where they had fallen, but nothing showed the cause of the slide.
A twig snapped behind him. In a flash, Warren turned to the noise, his sword drawn.
Lillian yelped as she jumped away from the blade. "Sorry! I didn't mean to catch you off guard.”
Warren sheathed his sword. "It's fine. Is there something bothering you?"
"Just…trouble sleeping.”
"Well, my watch won't be over for a while, and you’re welcome to join me at the fire.” Warren gestured to the log he’d moved next to the fire.
"Thanks.” Lillian sat on the log and reached toward her hair.
He sat with Lillian, but kept both eyes on the mountain, wary of trouble.
"You said there were thirty children at the orphanage with you. Where are they?" Lillian asked.
"They've...been killed over the years. My team and I are all that remain.” Warren bowed his head, remembering the faces of his fallen brothers and sisters.
"I'm sorry.”<
br />
"They're better off now.”
Lillian opened her mouth, but stopped short. She hugged her sides and squeezed her eyes shut.
“Lillian?”
She gasped.
With a shrill cry, drevics attacked, waking the rest of the camp.
"Stay behind me!" Warren ordered. His blade twirled through the air, cutting down the dark foes.
"Protect Lillian." Warren barked to his team.
The others fought their way around the fire and Lillian. If a drevic so much as scratched the ground at Lillian's feet…Rage coursed through Warren—he would destroy every last one of them.
Lillian stood with her back to the flames, terrified. The thing inside her whirled like a tornado. She wanted to help, but her legs wouldn't move, nor could she wrench her eyes off Warren. He fought like ten men, his blade dancing through the flesh of the monsters as if it were scything through air. But even for the powerful warrior, the sheer number of foes was overwhelming. Warren blocked and dodged left and right, up and down.
Lillian shrank with horror. He appeared to always be one mistake away from sudden death. Was there an end to this madness?
Suddenly, a drevic jumped from a tree and crashed into Warren, throwing him to the ground.
"Warren!" Lillian screamed.
Fear and anger mingled inside of her. Without thinking, she closed her eyes and touched the surge of power swirling within her. She flicked her eyes open but only saw shadows and light and the rage of her storm. Oily tingles ran through her veins as shadows gathered around her. Her vision darkened, and wrath consumed her.
Lillian woke to her entire body tingling and cold. Dizziness clouded her mind. Blurry shapes waved at her. Blinking, she pushed herself up and waited for her eyes to focus. Shock cut through her like lightning as her vision sharpened. Scattered bodies lay all around her. Vallerie, Cassidy, Emron, and Warren— every one of them stretched out on the ground, scattered among twisted drevic corpses.
“No…” Lillian gasped.
Her stomach leapt into her throat, and she collapsed again. Trembling overtook her.
What have I done?
A drevic’s body twitched. She had to leave. Turning to the forest, she ran. No matter how hard she sprinted, she couldn’t escape the horror.
What have I done?
Burning tears streamed down her cheeks, and wails tore at her throat. She was a monster, no better than the demons she had slain.
Why did I come with Warren?
Warren.
She sobbed even harder. Lillian's foot caught on a rock, and she slammed into the ground. Sobbing, she sidled up to a tree.
"Lillian!" Warren's distant voice called.
Lillian jerked her head up. He's alive?
Panic pounded in her chest. He'd kill her. Scuttling to her feet, Lillian sprinted deeper into the dark.
A low tree branch swept across her face, scratching her cheek. Maybe she deserved to die. What she had done was unforgivable. Yet she still ran.
"Lillian!" Warren called again. His voice closer now.
Out of breath, Lillian realized she couldn’t outrun him. Her eyes tore apart the forest for a place to hide. Off to her right lay a thicket of twiggy bushes. Desperate to escape, she ducked behind the shrubbery.
Warren raced into view. He paused a stone's cast away and panted, his hand on the hilt of his sword. He was going to kill her.
"Lillian," Warren called, his voice quivering.
She squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered. The little cover she had behind the bushes seemed to unravel with each passing second.
"Lillian," Warren called again. Kicking a divot into the dirt, he ran past.
Now was her chance to escape. She backed out of the bushes but stepped on a dry twig.
"Lillian! Wait!"
She looked over her shoulder and saw Warren coming for her. Terrified, she charged harder into the night. Darkness clouded obstacles in the forest, and the ground dropped out from under her. Rolling to the floor of a dry riverbed, Lillian bruised her hands and knees on rough stones.
Warren skidded to a stop just before toppling over the edge. He scanned the riverbed, his eyes landing on her.
"Lillian." Warren jumped into the riverbed.
"Stay away!" Lillian scooted backwards on her heels.
"I'm not going to hurt you.” Warren held up his hands. "Are you all right? Are you hurt?"
"Stay back! I'm a monster, just like the others,” Lillian sobbed.
"I don't understand.” Confusion set on his brow.
"The kellnox, the drevics. Y-you think I'm one of them!" Lillian accused in a broken voice.
"Why would I think that?"
"Because of the Darkness inside of me. I killed those things. I...I killed. I...I didn’t mean to,” Lillian bawled.
"What do you mean?” Warren edged closer to Lillian.
Bile rose in her throat. He took another step, and the Darkness swirled within her again. “No! Stop!”
“Okay, okay, I'm stopping.” Warren held still.
“Stop, stop, stop,” Lillian begged, curling her fingers into her hair as her body curled into a ball.
“I’m not moving.”
“No, go!” Lillian shouted. It was taking her again. Her breathing shortened, Darkness clouded the edges of her sight.
Shadows gathered around Lillian as the air grew cold. She screamed as the Darkness pierced her skin, turning it into a black void.
No, no, NO!
A wave of frigid air crashed into Warren. The force pummeled him, leaving him so cold he nearly collapsed. What is this? In all the years he’d fought the Darkness he’d never heard of anything like this. The chill faded with the passing of the blast, and he regained his normal temperature. He forgot his questions when he saw Lillian crumpled on the ground. Rushing forward, he dropped to his knees next to Lillian’s crumpled body on the riverbed floor.
“Lillian?” Warren ripped off his gauntlet.
Her face was every bit as cold as he’d felt. He slid his hand under her nose and waited. Please, no! Warren pleaded. Warm breaths breezed across his fingers.
He cradled her in his arms, trying to warm her. “Lillian?”
She cringed, a slight groan escaping her lips. Her eyes half opened.
“Please, leave. It's not safe. I'm not safe.”
She lifted her hand and weakly touched his chest.
“Don’t move. You're too weak right now.” He needed to get her back to the campfire.
"I don't want to hurt you,” Lillian whispered.
"You won't.”
Lillian shook her head.
“I promise, as long as you're part of my team you won't hurt anyone.”
“But I did...the others—”
“They’re fine. They’re cleaning up camp.” Lillian gazed at his face.
"You’re hurt.” Lillian reached for the trickle of blood racing down the side of Warren's temple.
“It's just a scratch.” Warren wiped the blood from his brow. "We need to get you to the fire. Can you walk?”
"You don't want to know what happened?" Lillian asked.
Warren couldn’t deny he had questions, but caring for Lillian was more important.
"We can talk about it after you’re warmed up, if you want to.”
28
F or hours, Lillian sat quietly by the fire at Warren's side, staring into the dark. After what had happened, talking was difficult, but not talking about anything was harder.
"Since that night at my house, I’ve been having nightmares about the Darkness. I...I feel it inside of me all the time," Lillian paused. Explaining herself was hard. Really hard. She took a deep breath and exhaled before speaking again. “I don’t know how, but something happened, and i-it just came out of me tonight. I...”
“So what happened during the attack, that was you?” Warren asked.
“Yes, no. I think so. I don’t know.”
Warren watched her speak every word. She felt crazy
telling him all of this, but he never so much as blinked in disbelief. When she had finished, he gazed at her, his steel blue eyes soft as a feather. They trapped her for a moment. Her cheeks blooming, she turned to the fire. It had taken a while, but she had finally warmed up.
"Why don't you get some rest? You look like you need it," Warren said.
Lillian met his eyes. “You don’t have questions?”
“Whatever is going on, neither one of us understands it any better than the other.” Warren shrugged. “If Ruben were with us, he might make sense of it, but for now, I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Lillian tugged at her hair and glanced down. He really cares how I feel?
“The sun will be coming up in a few hours. Get some sleep, Lillian.”
She hoped the night veiled the deepening heat in her cheeks as she nodded and returned to her bedroll. There, she watched him as long as her weary eyes let her. Her name in his strong voice replayed over and over in her mind until sleep took her.
Lillian shivered. The higher the team climbed, the colder the thinning air became. Navigating the forest had been hard, but trekking through the mountains caused sores to form where her sturdy boots rubbed her delicate skin. At least three blisters were currently forming on her feet. And those didn’t include the ones that had popped. She tried adjusting her step to take some pressure off, but nothing eased the pain. Sweat traced along her forehead and down the curves of her cheeks. Now, more than ever, she wished to turn back.
Her heart sank. Turn back and go where? She might have called Illithium home, but without her parents' warmth, it was little more than a place to exist. She glanced toward Warren. She might not have minded just existing before she met him, but now, on this adventure with his team, she felt more at home than she had in two years. The physical effort was murder, and the terror of monsters threatened to stop her heart, but she felt happier out here in the wild than she had in Illithium.
It wasn’t much, but her thoughts gave her strength enough to stumble on for the rest of the day.
The Ajoiner Realm (Defenders of Radiance Book 1) Page 20
