by DB Michaels
“Please. It’s not your fault.” Emma tried to reach for his hand but he moved back again.
“I heard they suspended you,” Emma said after a few more seconds of excruciating silence. “Thank you for what you did, but you shouldn’t have lied for me. I’ll talk to Sacramento and tell them the truth. That you never knew about my relationship with Sam.”
“No. Don’t do that.”
“But it’s not right. They’ll probably reverse your suspension and then you can go back to work.”
“Leave it alone, Emma. Giving a false confession will get me suspended, too.” Maxim thrust a hand into his jeans pocket. “And besides, I’ll use the time off to think about things. To reevaluate. I’ve been so blind. I couldn’t see how corrupt my own staff was.”
A painful knot squeezed in Emma’s chest. He was trying so hard to make up for his mistakes. And he refused to let her take the rightful blame. “You’ll come back stronger and better than before, Maxim. I am confident of that.” She gave him a watery smile.
“Such faith. You know I don’t deserve it.”
“You do deserve it.” Emma stepped closer, longing to chase away the uncertainty in his eyes. “I love you, Maxim. I believe in you with all my heart.”
He sucked in an audible breath. “Are you sure? Even after all that’s happened?”
“Yes.”
“But you said you wanted me out of your life.”
“I was in shock, grieving. I didn’t know half of what I was saying.” She tentatively touched his sleeve. “Please, I was horrible to you. Can you forgive me?”
“Forgive you? Don’t be ridiculous. There’s nothing to forgive.” He scowled down at her. “I’m the one who killed your brother. I’ll never forgive myself for that. And I don’t expect you to either.”
“But I do forgive you, Maxim. You didn’t kill Sam. Peterson and the PALIs did.”
“God, Emma, you are too generous.” Maxim turned away, his voice cracking. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
“Well, I’m giving it. Stop telling me you don’t deserve things.” She forced him to face her. “You’re a good person. You’re worthy of a lot.”
“Right. Your brother died because of me and you almost did, too.”
“Peterson is the main culprit here, not you. You did the best you could, given what you knew.”
“But it wasn’t enough,” he said, his eyes anguished.
“Maxim, you have to let it go.” Emma cupped a hand over his dear face. “I love you. I don’t want you to suffer like this.”
Maxim turned his cheek into her caress and pressed a soft kiss to her palm. “So many times I’ve dreamed of you coming to me like this.” He lifted a hand to her hair, his face almost reverent. “Telling me that you love me. That you want to be with me.”
“Well, you don’t have to dream anymore.” Emma wrapped her left arm around his waist and put her right hand over his chest, careful not to touch his sling. He was so warm. She buried closer and inhaled his familiar wonderful scent. “I love you,” she whispered. “Tell me that we can be together again.”
His big body trembled and his heart rate accelerated under her hand. At last she was home. It felt so good to be in his arms. Emma tilted her face up, sure she’d finally reached him. Her glow of happiness though was short-lived.
“What’s wrong?” Maxim’s face had that remote expression again. And his arm was hanging by his side, no longer touching her.
“I’m sorry, Emma.” He gently pushed her away. “Your love means the world to me. I’ll always treasure it, but I’m not the right man for you.”
The familiar knot returned to her stomach. “What are you saying?”
“I’m no good for you.” Maxim shook his head. “You deserve someone better. Someone good and kind and noble. Not a beast of a man like me.”
“You are not a beast.” Her heart constricted at his self-doubt. “You are good, and kind, and noble. And so much more. I love you. We can make it work.”
“We can’t.” He pushed her away more forcibly this time.
“We can.” A horrible thought seized Emma’s mind. “Unless you don’t love me anymore?”
“As if that were possible.” He gave her a wistful smile. “I will never stop loving you.”
“Then what’s the problem?” The tears welled up in her eyes. He loved her but didn’t want her in his life? Her heart and soul screamed at the senselessness of it all. “How can you love me and let me go? Take a chance on us. Take a chance on me. We belong together.”
“No.” Maxim’s voice rose. “I love you enough to let you go, Emma. Trust me, I’m doing what’s best for you.”
“No, you’re not,” Emma said, her heart cracking inside even as a blaze of anger scorched through her. How could he throw away their love like that? “You’re doing what’s best for you. Love is about sharing, about taking a leap of faith, taking a risk. But you’re not doing any of that. You’re shutting yourself away from me. That isn’t love.”
“That’s all I can offer,” Maxim insisted. “I know it isn’t enough. That’s why you should find someone else. Someone who can give you what you want. What you need.”
“I don’t want anyone else.”
Maxim shook his head again and took another step back. “Just go, Emma. There’s nothing here for you.”
He was dismissing her. Just like that. Kicking her out of his life. How could this be happening? Emma blinked back her tears. The man was so stubborn she wanted to scream. He was the only one she needed, the only one she wanted. How could he not realize that?
Phineas suddenly chirped, jumping from one bar to the next in his cage. Maxim had brought this bird back from the brink of death for her. Who else but a kind and noble person would do that?
“Please, Maxim. Are you sure?” She must pierce through his armor somehow. “I think you’re perfect for me. I want to be with you. No one else.”
“Don’t make this harder than it already is.” Maxim clenched his hand, refusing to budge. “Go. I’ve made up my mind.”
“Fine. But I’m taking Phineas with me,” Emma said, coming to a sudden decision. She was not going to leave without that blackbird. She had lost both Maxim and Sam. No way was she going to lose Phineas, too.
“You’re taking Phineas?”
“Yes. You don’t mind, do you?”
Maxim cast a longing glance at the bird. “Of course not. He was yours to begin with.” He touched the birdcage with one finger. “But make sure you give him plenty of fresh water. And he likes berries. But only the black ones.”
“Black?”
“Yes.” Maxim cleared his throat. “He likes them overripe and cut into little pieces.”
“For someone not good and not kind, you know a lot about what pleases a bird,” Emma said, her heart overflowing with love for the stubborn, pigheaded man. An idea suddenly took root in her mind. A brilliant notion of how to have Maxim stay in her life.
“It’s what he eats,” Maxim said, clearly not liking her comment. “Here. Take him if you want.” He gently lifted the cage and handed it to her. “Make sure you don’t drive too fast. You might scare him.”
“Okay. I’ll drive extra slow.” The poor man looked like he was giving up his firstborn child. “He’ll be fine, Maxim. But in case I run into problems, do you mind if I call you? I’ve never taken care of a bird before.”
“Sure.” He paused and brushed a hand through his hair. “Wait. No. It’s better if we make a clean break.”
“I see. You’re right.” Emma faked a deep sigh. “I guess I’ll depend on the vet or maybe the Internet. The Web’s always full of good ideas of how to do things. I’m sure I can scrounge around for information on bird care. And I could always wing it if I have to.”
Maxim’s face turned a peculiar pasty color. “His vet is Dr. Geary. On River Street. Corner of Lincoln. I’m sure he can help you out.”
“Thanks.” Emma forced out a smile. “Good-bye, Maxim. Maybe I’ll
see you around sometime.”
“That’s it?” he asked, his face tight with emotion.
“I guess so.” How she longed to throw herself into his arms and kiss away the desolation etched on his face. But she had to be patient for her plan to work. She gripped the birdcage and straightened her shoulders. “Take care of yourself.”
“You, too.”
Emma turned and put one foot in front of the other, flicking a glance at Phineas now and then as she walked out of the garden. It was tempting to look back, to check if Maxim was watching her but she had to keep moving. To let him know she was willing to follow his lead. To appear to cut him out of her life the way he wanted. Would the stubborn man run after her? Would he realize that no matter what, they belonged together? That she was never going to give up on him?
Oh, how her heart yearned for him to chase after her. To raise a protest, to tell her he couldn’t live without her, to gather her back into his arms where she belonged. But no. None of that happened, of course. Maxim was too honorable and hardheaded for his own good. Emma made it back to her car without any hindrance. She placed Phineas in the front passenger seat and snapped a seat belt around his cage. Her plan had to work. She had to win Maxim back. Any other outcome didn’t bear contemplating.
Chapter 35
Watching Emma walk away from him was the hardest thing he’d ever endured, Maxim was sure of it. He’d never expected her to visit. Sure, he’d had some wishful thinking, instructing Ana to let her in if she called on him. But that was in the beginning, right after he’d gotten out of the hospital. Before his hopes had crumbled during the last few days of endless waiting.
She’d looked so lovely, young and innocent. But she was thin. Even thinner than he remembered. Maxim cursed, wishing he’d reminded her to eat more. The grief had caused her to lose weight. Another fault to add to his long list of sins. And how could she have forgiven him for her brother’s death? She was too generous, too selfless. And definitely too good for him. He’d almost killed her because of his inability to trust. Maxim rubbed a hand over his bandaged shoulder and grimaced. Christ. The bullet had been meant for her. It was only by the sheerest of luck that he’d arrived in time. His body broke out in a cold sweat.
No way was he going to tempt fate again. Violence and death followed him everywhere. How could he live with himself knowing he was a risk to her very safety? The pain of losing her would be unbearable. Why take the risk? It was safer to let her go. She deserved to find happiness with someone else. She loved him, which was a miracle in itself, but she was still young. Her whole life lay ahead of her, a life better off without him.
But dear God, how he’d been tempted. Especially when she’d wrapped her arm around him. When she’d rested her lovely head on his chest, when she’d confided she wanted him and no one else. Yes! He had wanted to shout. He’d felt on top of the world, stronger and taller than the highest mountain. But one glance at the blackbird had dashed all his hopes. That had been her brother’s bird. And he’d killed her brother. He’d failed her. He had no choice but to push her away. It was for her own good.
But she’d absconded with the blackbird. How could the woman be so cruel? Phineas was his single link to her, the only part of her he’d allowed himself to have. And she’d taken Phineas, snatched the bird right out of his life. So he was left with nothing, just distant memories and an aching heart.
***
“Come on, Phineas,” Emma pleaded later that night as she tried to coax some berries into the bird’s mouth. “You haven’t eaten anything for hours. The vet said you should get at least two meals a day. I got it overripe like Maxim said. And I chopped it, too.”
Phineas perched in his cage, his eyes dull and lifeless as he stared blankly ahead. His little bowl of water lay untouched on the cage floor. What the heck was wrong? She’d only been kidding when she’d told Maxim she needed his help. She thought she could play it out. Make him wait a few anxious days, letting him see how much he missed her before she made that phone call. Before she’d ask for his help with Phineas.
Of course he would have come over. He loved the bird and would have rushed over in a heartbeat if she’d told him Phineas needed help. She’d felt bad about the ruse but she was desperate. She had to try something, anything to keep him in her life.
At least that had been the plan. A stupid, childish one, Emma admitted but it had been better than nothing. Still, how could it have unraveled so quickly? It wasn’t days but hours and she didn’t have to fake any symptoms. No, indeed, her poor blackbird looked miserable and sick right now. Where were his bright eyes? His sweet birdcalls? Nothing. Not even a chirp had he let out since she’d carried his cage into her studio that afternoon.
Emma had even visited the vet to obtain some advice and bird food. She’d bought the seeds Dr. Geary had recommended, but Phineas had soundly rejected them. The little pieces of fresh berries she’d chopped also lay untouched on his dish. She’d even attempted feeding him with her hand, all to no avail.
“Come on, little one.” Emma touched his bowl of water. “At least drink something.”
Phineas didn’t pay any attention and just shut his eyes, his body completely still. Was he sleeping? Or was he sick? Dr. Geary had instructed to give him at least a few drops of water every few hours. But he’d ingested none. Had she hurt him by removing him from Maxim’s care? He’d been so lively that morning, chirping and hopping from one place to the next. Now he looked the opposite, all worn out and beaten.
She had no choice but to call for help. This was all her fault. She shouldn’t have taken the bird away from Maxim.
He picked up on the fourth ring.
“Maxim?” she asked, her voice breaking.
“Emma? What is it?”
“Please help. I think he’s dying. Can you come?”
“Who’s dying?” Maxim’s voice rose a notch. “Emma, what is it? Are you okay?”
“It’s Phineas. He’s not eating or drinking anything.” Emma bit her lip and tried to steady her voice. “I should have left him with you.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be right there.”
But he lived far away, not arriving until a full hour later. One of the longest hours of her life. At last, he knocked. She yanked the door open and pulled him into the studio, her heart pounding. Dear Maxim. He looked so solid and dependable, dressed in the same jeans he’d worn this morning. He’d thrown a gray sweater on top of his shirt but was still wearing the sling. How she longed to bury herself in his arms, but poor Phineas needed him more at the moment.
“He hasn’t moved since I called you.” Emma hastily led Maxim to the birdcage. “Is he sleeping or do you think something’s wrong with him?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell.” Maxim opened the cage and placed two pieces of berry onto his index finger. “I used to feed him like this when I first brought him home from the vet.”
Phineas snapped his eyes open, blinking at the sight of Maxim’s finger before swinging a long look at Maxim’s face. Slowly but surely, he bent his head and pecked at the first piece of berry.
“Oh, Maxim, you did it!” The breath whooshed out of Emma’s lungs. “He never did that for me. I tried everything.”
“Seriously?” Maxim lifted the bowl of water and coaxed Phineas to drink a few drops. He deposited more pieces of berry on his finger and over the next ten minutes patiently fed the blackbird all the tiny bits.
“He obviously prefers you to me.” Emma smiled as Phineas swallowed the last fruit bit.
“Well, it’s your first day with him.” Maxim stood and watched the bird for another few moments. “He looks okay now. Do you have enough blackberries for him?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You can feed him later.” Maxim glanced around the room before clearing his throat. “It’s pretty late. I should head off.”
“But what about Phineas?” Emma asked, her heart sinking.
“What about him?”
“I can’t take
care of him.” And you can’t go. Not yet. She tugged at her pendant. “Can you stay and help me?”
“Stay?” Maxim’s eyebrows drew together. “No, of course not. Feed him the way I showed you. I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
“But I tried that today. He wouldn’t eat.”
“Then let me take care of him. I’ll bring him home and keep him until the vet takes the dressing off.”
“But I’ll miss seeing him every day.” And I’ll miss seeing you even more. Emma’s heart felt like it was going to crack.
“You’ll see him again. As soon as the bandage comes off, I’ll release him back to the wild. I promise.”
Emma let out a little whimper. Her plan wasn’t working on so many levels. Here they were, alone in the middle of the night. She’d shown Maxim how much she needed him and still the man wanted to leave. Was there no hope for them? If he departed with Phineas, she was sure that was the last she’d ever see of him except for maybe at work, where he’d probably do his best to stay out of her way. And she wasn’t even sure she’d be returning to Albatross. This might be her last time with him.
Emma stumbled to the nightstand and brushed an unsteady finger back and forth over the urn. Sam. Help me. What am I going to do? Should I let him go with Phineas? She knew in her heart the answer was yes. Phineas deserved the best chance to recover and fly. The best chance. Her finger froze. That was it. She’d found the answer. It’d been right in front of her all along.
Emma swung around, her heart pounding.
Maxim stood a mere two feet away. “That’s your brother’s urn?” he asked, his voice strained.
“Yes. I didn’t know where else to keep it.”
“Most people bury it or scatter the ashes.”
“Well, I haven’t decided what I’ll do with it yet.”
“I see.” Maxim scrubbed a hand over his face. “I really need to go. Can I take Phineas with me? I promise I’ll take good care of him.”
“Can we talk about us first?”
