by Lisa Bilbrey
Jo leaned forward and placed her hands on the table. “Have you told them that you need them like that?”
“They should know, shouldn’t they? After eight years together, shouldn’t they just know?”
“How can they when you’re running all the time?” Jo asked.
Elle frowned.
“Look, I can sit here with you all day and tell you over and over how much they love you, but it won’t help.”
“What will?”
“You need to talk to them,” Jo said, sadly. “You need to be completely honest about what you and Samuel went through.”
Elle cringed. “I don’t want them to know.”
“They already do,” she murmured. “Elle, there is nothing you will tell them that they haven’t thought about every day since you and Samuel were kidnapped. But they need to hear it from you.”
“What if it’s too much for them?”
“What if it’s not?” Jo stood up and picked up her coffee. “I’m going to be right here at this table every morning at eight o’clock. We can just enjoy a good cup of coffee, or we can talk. The choice is up to you.”
With a smile, Jo turned and left Elle sitting there.
—FA—
It was almost eight that night before Elle returned to the house. She sent Sadie, Derek, and Callum each a text promising that she was okay, that she needed some time to sort her feelings, that she would tell them everything when she got home. She just needed the chance to grieve the life she had lost. So, instead of leaving the hospital and going home, Elle found herself sitting on a bench in the park inside Alvarez Park.
In some ways, it was her way of reconnecting to the woman she used to be, while embracing the woman she was now. She cried, she laughed, she probably looked crazy, but she was trying, and she told herself that was enough. At least, for now.
But as the sun set and the park became quiet and empty, Elle longed for the arms of her lovers. As she climbed out of Sadie’s car, she looked up at the house that had been her home for the last eight years. There were so many memories inside those walls, almost all of them good. She wanted more, though. Needed more.
The front door opened and Sadie stepped out on the porch, her arms wrapped around her torso. “Are you coming inside?”
“Yeah,” Elle said, unsure if she spoke loud enough for her to hear. Slowly, as if her legs were filled with lead, she walked up the small path and onto the porch. “I’m sorry.”
“We know,” Sadie replied, holding her hand out to Elle. “Come on. They’re waiting.”
Elle wrapped her fingers around Sadie’s and followed her into the house. Callum and Derek were sitting on the sofa. They were leaning forward with their hands clasped in front of them and their elbows on their knees. They watched her as she walked into the living room, a mixture of fear and love in their eyes.
“Where are the girls?” Elle asked.
“With Mom and Dad,” Sadie said. “Thought maybe it might be easier.”
Elle nodded, but pulled her hand out of Sadie’s. She walked over to the large picture window. Her heart was racing, her hand trembling. “We got the call from the school that morning, about the girls being missing, and I knew. I mean, I knew T. . . Trixie had gone after them. I was so scared and Samuel was trying to keep me from falling apart. The elevator stopped at the garage level, and, um, we barely moved when . . . when they came at us. It was so quick, so sudden. I tried to fight them off. Used my cane, but it was useless. They stuck needles in our necks, and we passed out.”
Elle blew out a deep breath as she looked back at Callum, Derek, and Sadie, all three of whom were weeping silently.
“I don’t know how long I was out before I woke up. Samuel had come to hours before me. Said the sun had been set for a long time. I thought the only reason he was trapped in that room was because he had been the one with me,” she cried, wrapping her arms around herself. “But it wasn’t.”
“It wasn’t?” Callum asked.
Elle shook her head. “She wanted him.”
“Oh, my God,” he whispered.
“They handcuffed me and hung me from the ceiling,” Elle continued. “She wanted to play, said I was her outlet for all her built up anger. She . . .” Her hands clenched into fists. “She used a whip, and . . . I don’t know how many times she struck me. I tried not to scream. Didn’t want her to win like that,” Elle sobbed, her knees giving out as she crumbled to the floor. Derek, Callum and Sadie moved toward her, but she put her hands up and said, “Don’t! If you touch me, I won’t be able to tell you, and I need to tell you.”
“Okay, beautiful,” Derek said, pulling Callum and Sadie back down onto the sofa.
“While she . . . hurt me, L . . .” Elle shook her head. “Leo cut Samuel, made him scream and beg for mercy.” Elle rolled back so that she was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest. “Trixie got bored with me, I guess. Wanted to play with Samuel.”
“She raped him, didn’t she?” Callum asked.
Elle nodded. “She made him touch her with his hands, his . . . mouth. She . . . used toys on him,” she whispered. “He screamed for help, begged her to stop, but I couldn’t save him any more than I could save myself.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Derek swore, wrapping his arm around Callum.
“He called me sweetheart,” Elle whispered, causing their eyes to widen. “While Leo . . . while Leo raped me, he called me sweetheart. Said I belonged to him. That I had always belonged to him. I screamed and cried and pleaded and fought, but . . . nothing helped. He liked it, said the struggle made fucking me like a whore that much better. Said if he had known how good it felt, he would have taken me sooner.”
“That son of a bitch,” Sadie cursed.
“Eventually they’d get tired, or hungry, or bored. I don’t know, but they’d leave us alone. Samuel and I sat in silence most of the time. Neither of us acknowledged what had happened. There wasn’t a reason to, I guess. When we did talk, it was about the girls, about if they were okay,” Elle cried. “About you and Lydia, about ever seeing you again. We . . . we stopped fighting.”
Callum gasped. “What?”
“We were so tired,” Elle sobbed. “The pain never stopped. They would spend hours beating us, torturing us, burning us, raping us. We just wanted it to end, but it felt like it was never going to.”
Elle stood and blew out a heavy breath. “She came down by herself that last time. She had been drinking. She said she had the girls, that she wondered if . . . if they ate pussy as good as me.” Bile crept up Elle’s throat as she shuddered. “I told her not to hurt the girls, like somehow I was in the position to stop her. She laughed. Fucking laughed before she stared cutting my hair off.”
She turned back to Derek, Callum, and Sadie. “Leo came down while she was mutilating my hair. His eyes were dark and angry and I knew everything was about to change. It wasn’t a game to him anymore. He was done playing.”
Elle paused. “He killed her. Snapped her neck like she was an ear of corn and threw her body on the floor. He picked me up and was carrying me back to the mattress when I saw Samuel had managed to get out of his ankle cuff and had the knife Trixie used on my hair. That was our chance, our only chance to fight one last time.
“Leo threw me onto the mattress, but I rolled as Samuel jumped him from behind. He had his arm wrapped around Leo’s neck. He tried to stab him, but he was weak from everything. The knife flew out of his hands, landed at my feet,” Elle cried. “I picked it up without even thinking. Leo had Samuel in front of him, said to give him the knife so he could kill Samuel and rape me again. My heart was racing. I was so scared, but I knew I couldn’t let Samuel die, so when Leo lunged for me, I . . . I stabbed him. Over and over and over. I couldn’t stop. I had to make sure he was dead.”
Once again, Elle found herself on her knees, struggling to breathe through the tears that poured down her face. Callum was at her side before she could stop him, his arms wrapping around her.
“I’m sorry,” she cried.
“Baby, you have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered. “You did what you had to do.”
“I feel them all the time. Their hands on my body, inside me. I . . . I smell them, Cal. I . . . I . . . I . . .”
Derek and Sadie joined their embrace, each letting their heartache fall freely. Having given them a part of her soul, Elle gave into the emotions that rocked her body, and let them soothe away the fear that had plagued her for too long.
Twenty-seven
Elle wasn’t sure how long they sat on the floor, their arms wrapped around her before the sound of someone’s stomach growing caused them to laugh.
“Sorry,” Derek chuckled, leaning back and sitting on the floor next to Callum. “Guess I should have eaten dinner.”
“Why didn’t you eat?” Elle asked, but shook her head. “Never mind. I know why.”
“We were too nervous,” Sadie admitted, sitting in front of Elle.
“And scared,” Callum added, keeping one arm wrapped around her. “We knew, but we didn’t know. Does that make sense?”
Elle nodded.
“Why don’t we move this to the kitchen,” Sadie suggested. “We can make a sandwich, and, I don’t know, just talk.”
“Yeah, okay,” Elle whispered.
Derek was on his feet immediately. He pulled Sadie up before reaching for Elle, who gently placed her hands in his. He lifted her off the floor, tugging her into his arms. His lips pressed against the top of her head.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” she echoed. “All of you. So much.”
“We know.”
She hoped like hell they really did know.
Elle sat at the table while they milled around the kitchen and made sandwiches. Every few seconds, Callum would look over at her and smile, almost like he meant it.
“Hope you’re hungry,” Sadie laughed and placed a plate with a huge turkey sandwich with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo in front of her. There was also a handful of grapes and a pickle spear.
“I’m starving,” she said, quietly. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she chirped, sitting in the chair next to her with her own food. Derek and Callum sat across from them. “Are you going to tell us what happened this morning that caused you to leave without telling us?”
Elle frowned as she picked up her pickle and took a bite. “I read Greta’s letter.”
Callum, Derek, and Sadie tensed.
“Oh?” Callum asked. “What’d it say?”
“I’m not ready to share that yet,” Elle said with a shake of her head. “I’m sorry. Just need more time with it.”
“That’s okay,” he said, quickly.
“And it wasn’t so much what it said as it what it didn’t say. I just . . . I don’t know. I can’t really explain it.”
“Where’d you go?” Derek asked before picking up his sandwich, which was twice as big as Elle’s, and taking a big bite. He moaned and said something that sounding like, “Fucking Christ this is good.”
“I went to talk to Jo Tyler,” she whispered, once again feeling everyone look at her.
“Why?” Callum asked.
“Because I’m tired,” she admitted.
“You’re tired,” he echoed. “Tired of what?”
“Everything.” Elle plucked a grape off her plate, but didn’t eat it. “Of being scared, of feeling guilty, of not letting you love me when all I want is for you to make everything okay.”
“And you needed to talk to her instead of telling this to us?” Sadie asked, putting her hands up as soon as the last word left her mouth. “Not accusing, just wondering.”
“If I told you, you’d say that you’re never going to let anyone hurt me again, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. How much you love me, and need me, but I’m not letting you love or need me. And you’re right about that one. I haven’t been, but you can’t promise that I’ll never find myself in harm’s way again. And you can’t ease the guilt I feel, either.”
“What do you feel guilty about?” Callum asked.
“Everything,” she said again. “For not being strong enough to stop them, for letting Samuel get hurt, for not being the mother the girls need me to be, for just not being enough for you guys.”
“None of that is true, Elle,” Derek argued, reaching across the table for her hand, which she placed in his. “Beautiful, listen to me because I’m going to tell you this as many times as it takes, okay?”
Elle nodded.
“You did nothing wrong. Nothing. What you and Samuel went through was hell and none of us expect you to just smile and get over it. We’re trying like shit to be here for you, because we want you to scream and cry and tell us to fuck off, and when you do, we’ll be holding you. Always holding you.”
“Yeah?” she whimpered, and he nodded. “Promise?”
“Have I ever lied to you, Elle?” he asked.
“No.”
“I’m not going to start now.”
“We love you so much,” Callum whispered, his voice breaking. “We need you, Elle.”
“I need you, too,” she said, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “I didn’t have sex with Samuel. I need you to believe me, Cal.”
“I do.” Callum dragged his hand through his hair. “I’m selfish, Elle. I don’t want to share you with anyone other than Sadie and Derek. Standing by while you clung to my father, while you trusted him more than me, it hurt. I wanted to be the one to make you feel safe, but I wasn’t.”
“You were.” Elle reached for him. Callum wrapped his hand around her. “But Samuel saved my life. I can’t turn my back on him now, not when I owe him everything.”
“It’s been a long day,” Sadie said, placing her hand over Callum and Elle’s. “We’re not going to make everything better in just one night. Let’s finish eating and go to bed.”
With murmurs of agreement, they finished their sandwiches and cleaned the kitchen. Callum wrapped his arm around Elle, supporting her in the only way he felt he could at the moment. Once they were in their bedroom, Elle stood next to the door while Sadie and Derek began turning the bed down and Callum pulled out pajamas for everyone to wear.
“I want you to touch me,” she whispered, drawing their attention to her. She took a deep breath. “I . . . I want you to . . . to make to me.”
“Elle,” Derek started, shaking his head.
“I’m scared. I won’t lie and say I’m not, but if I want to move on, to heal my mind, I need to know that when you touch me, it’s not going to hurt.”
“Okay,” Callum said, causing Sadie and Derek to gasp as they look at him. “But if at any time, you want, or need, us to stop, we will. Just say the word. Promise?”
“I promise,” she whispered.
Callum shared a look with Derek and Sadie before he walked over to Elle, stretching his hands toward her. She placed hers in his, knowing he would be able to feel her shaking. He walked backward toward the bed, stopping a few feet away. Releasing her hands, he reached for the hem of her T-shirt. His eyes never left hers as he tugged it up. She raised her arms, allowing him to remove it. Her arms dropped to her chest, covering the marks that still remained. Long thin lines from the whip and knife, circles from the burns.
“Are you okay?” Callum asked, dropping the shirt and placing his hands on her shoulders, sliding his fingers down to her hands.
Elle nodded and let him pull her arms down. “I hate them.”
“Me, too,” Derek said, coming up behind her. His hands slid around her hips, pulling on the string of the pajama pants. “Can I?”
Tears filled Elle’s eyes as her head moved up and down. Derek slipped his hands inside her pants, pushing them to her feet. Elle stepped out of them, kicking them to the side. Sadie walked over and stood by her side.
“You’re so beautiful. My sweet Elle,” she whispered, wiping the tears that had fallen away. “Let us love you.
”
“I’m trying,” she whispered, her voice shaking.
Sadie held her hands while leading Elle to the bed, gently laying her in the middle. Climbing on next to her, Sadie pressed her lips against Elle’s, gently at first, but increasing the pressure.
Shifting so that she hovered over Elle, Sadie licked and sucked on Elle’s neck, down her chest. She ignored the scars that marred her skin, almost as if she didn’t see them, didn’t care. Sadie shifted her eyes up to Elle as she sucked her nipple into her mouth.
Elle gasped.
“Too much?” Callum asked, but Elle shook her head.
“I want more,” she whispered, reaching for him and Derek.
They climbed onto the bed next to Elle and Sadie, their hands sliding along her skin to her breasts. Sadie kissed Elle’s stomach until she reached the top of Elle’s panties. She slipped them off, keeping her eyes on Elle as she tossed them over her shoulder and onto the floor.
“I love you,” Sadie said before lowering her mouth against Elle’s pussy.
Elle gasped, crying out.
“I can stop,” Sadie said.
“No!” Elle nearly screamed. “Please, don’t stop.”
Sadie laughed and lowered her mouth against her again. Elle closed her eyes, the sensation of her wife being between her legs was overwhelming, yet perfect at the same time. Her heart raced, and her breath quicken, but she loved it.
“Oh, my God,” Elle gasped, her hips lifting off the bed.
“You’re so beautiful,” Callum whispered, his lips meeting hers in a fiery kiss that left her breathless. “And strong and brave.”
“I . . .” Elle was lost in the feeling of her lovers around her, yet still needing more. “Clothes off.”
Callum and Derek climbed off the bed and began removing their clothes, their eyes never once leaving Elle’s. Sadie was gentle as she feasted on Elle, reminding her as she had too many times that Elle was hers.
