I learned so much about her just by simply watching her. When she straightened her posture, it wasn’t just a simple attempt to appear confident or to align her spine. Her soul was screaming, and she skirted on the very edge of disaster, so when she did this, she was trying to shake her burdens. The burning fire behind her irises told me her past was a line of gasoline that could explode at any second, given the right or wrong spark. Then again, maybe if we had spent just a little more time talking and less time having sex, she would have known I’m a veterinarian, and perhaps I could have prevented some of her apparent pain.
Worry overcame my thoughts. I knew Eris needed a better man than I was capable of ever being. I was more than aware of this fact early into meeting her, but it didn’t truly scare me then. It did now. When I imagined myself, I no longer stood alone. Eris was by my side, and I didn’t know how to keep her from fading into the blackness I knew.
25
Eris
Night 40
Watching Drex with Henry and his twin gave insight into his life. The parts that didn’t include me. Until now, that was. I can’t lie, I’d often wondered what Drex did in the times we were apart. Him being a veterinarian wasn’t a thought that ever crossed my mind. At first, I was upset, but realized it wasn’t fair for me to be. He knew as little about me as I did him. If anything, I actually knew more about him than he did of my life. I’d met his sister and Henry.
If I talked about the past, I’d consider telling Drex of mine. However, that wasn’t something I did. Taking about it would mean accepting it, and I knew that to be something I didn’t wish to do. I went to great lengths to conceal every aspect of my past that was possible to do so. Every morning after waking up and showering, I covered the tattoo replica of Noah’s birthmark on my forehead with makeup. That was only the beginning of my cloak I wore to separate the past and present.
To me, Drex was a house of cards; every new piece of his life added a new layer onto the foundation. The more time I spent with him and Courtney, the clearer it became she was the truss to his entire structure. She pushed him, but it was in her second-guessed movements I noticed she handled him with care, as if she was afraid to push him too far, which wasn’t a concern of his in regards to her.
“Three eights.” Drex smirked and then licked his lips as they twitched, trying to hold back a full on smile. He deliberately tried to make us all believe he was bluffing when he told the truth. This time it was in the smirk that gave him away; the last, he “nervously” shook his legs. Neither of which were odd behaviors for most, but for Drex, they were somewhat out of character. When he was around people he considered family, he seemed to relax. This side of Drex was refreshing and almost playful…as playful as Drex was capable of being, I think.
“Bullshit!” Courtney yelled, nodding her head toward the cards her brother had just set onto the pile. Slowly, I shook my head, wondering if they were the worst set of twins in the history of twins or she really couldn’t read Drex at all. The three of them seemed to be competitive with one another, or I would swear she was intentionally letting him win. In fact, Courtney seemed to be the most competitive. She and Henry crammed so much pizza into their mouths earlier I knew one of them was going to choke, but they didn’t. Thinking of the amount of pizza she shoved into her mouth in an attempt to outdo Henry, I was almost certain she wouldn’t let Drex win without a fight.
“Pick ’em up, Lex.” He swiftly flipped the cards face up with the corner of another card and handed her a shot of whiskey.
“Again?” she rhetorically questioned, pressing the glass to her lips, and slung back the whiskey, sticking out her tongue in disgust afterward. She picked up the pile of cards on the table and tucked them among the cards she already had. Perhaps she was just awful at cards. She couldn’t form a bridge when it was her turn to deal. Instead, she gave them to Drex and had him shuffle them for her, and then she dealt them out to everyone.
“We should have made them drink wine,” she was quick to complain, while lightly jabbing me in the side with her elbow.
“I prefer whiskey,” I said, snagging the bottle from Drex and gently sliding it across the table, my eyes never leaving his. His pupils grew as his eyes moved up from my fingers and traveled my arm. Heat stretched over my face and then sank to the far points of my body as his attention zeroed in on my eyes.
Knowing his focus was on my every move both excited and made me uneasy. It was typical for him to confuse every clear course of my body, though. It was rare I only felt one emotion when near him.
The people who made you question things were the ones worth having in your life. Otherwise, how were you to know you were alive and not dead? Being around Drex, I knew without a doubt that I was alive. His presence raged through my fast heartbeat as my mind clashed against my stupid heart’s decision to let him into its walls.
“Your turn, Eris.” Henry cleared his throat after speaking my name.
If I was the type of person who let people know when I was mortified, now would be the instance they would know, but I’m not. I could feel my cheeks flush, but I denied my feet the urge to run as they begged to jet out of the door. I may have had to cross my legs beneath my body to do so, but I still stayed in the room nonetheless.
After taking a large swig of whiskey, I laid two cards down, claiming they were two kings. Honestly, I had no clue what they were, but pulled them from the far right side of the cards in my hand to appear convincing.
Lexie played one ace, in which I knew was a lie, but wasn’t going to call her bluff. All four aces were tucked safely in my hand, but figured she needed a break from the whiskey, especially considering she was the one who had driven us to Henry’s. A fact I hadn’t even considered until now.
“Courtney?” I turned my face to the side as she leaned her head on my shoulder.
“Hmm. Just call me Lexie. I’m too drunk to answer to both.” She giggled, biting her bottom lip, and pulled the aces from my hand, calling her own bullshit.
“Who is driving us home?” I asked, trying to stifle the pounding concern growing in the pit of my stomach. My only real worry was drinking and driving. I didn’t care if people drank until the point they couldn’t stand. I’d certainly had more than my share of those moments, but I hated those who were selfish enough to get behind the wheel afterward. I really didn’t want to hate her.
“I haven’t drunk,” Drex politely pointed out, running his fingers along the corners of the cards in his opposite hand.
“You,” I began to argue, but then I thought about it and hadn’t actually seen him pour anything into his glass other than cola. A point he reinforced by picking his empty can up and shaking it.
“Nope.” He shook his head and smiled. “I knew Lex would end up trying to outdrink Henry, so I appointed myself as DD.”
Henry informed me that we were welcome to stay at his house, so no one had to drive. Relief inched through my body with the invitation and I hoped Drex would agree. Being alone tonight was a very bad idea. Even if I didn’t want to acknowledge my coping mechanisms of denial weren’t the best, I knew when to walk away.
Dreaming of Noah’s birth had shaken me more than I expected it to. I’d fought to appear as if I was okay on the outside, but internally I was dying. I didn’t want to be at a social event where people were happy, but it was better than being alone.
Normally, when I dreamed of Noah, it was a nightmare. The outcome was always the same, even if the steps were numbered differently. He was gone. Oddly enough, I’d grown to expect the nightmares, and although they did upset me every time I had them, they paled in comparison to the happy memories. At least with nightmares there was no false hope. When you dreamed of death, everything else about the day seemed bearable. Yet on the very rare occasion I dreamed of something happy, it was as if I was losing him all over again.
“Ms. Greyson?” a gruff voice carried through my house, waking me from napping on the couch.
“Are you home?”
&
nbsp; Of course, I was home or at least I hoped for his sake I was. Otherwise, he was wasting his time yelling into an empty house. I rolled my eyes and almost smiled, until I turned the corner and the trooper’s eyes connected with my own.
Instantly, all the air left my lungs, and then I couldn’t remember the correct sequence to breathe normally. At first, my breaths were too fast, closely resembling that of a hummingbird’s flight. Where were Noah and Dad? Why weren’t they home? My sides rapidly heaved as I tried to tell myself they had gotten a flat on the side of the road. I knew it was a lie. Dad always had a spare. I couldn’t bring air into my body without terror burning my insides.
“Are you Eris Greyson?”
Despite how much I wanted to answer him, I couldn’t. Words weren’t something I was capable of right now. Fear ingested my body and sealed my mouth to silence. My feet somehow found the carpet and strength to carry me to the door, but no sounds left my lips. I wouldn’t allow the tears the satisfaction of falling from my eyes when there was no reason for them. I knew he had to be all right. He was only a child.
As my toes barely lifted and dragged the remainder of the steps that brought me in front of the officer, his forced composure ruptured and his bottom lip began to quiver. He removed his hat and asked if we could go to the living room to talk. My head shook back and forth in response. He didn’t argue my decision.
The next thing to leave his lips were the words no parent should ever have to hear.
“There’s been an accident,” he said quietly and reached for my arm. I took a step backward and covered the bare skin with my hand. I tried to ignore them as if he’d misspoken, but he repeated himself when I didn’t respond.
“We tried to save them,” were the last words I heard and would continue to hear until the last breath left my now purposeless body. I no longer had a reason to live. They were gone. He was gone. They tried to save them. They tried to save him. Tried. As if made it better that they tried. All of their futile efforts were wasted because they weren’t coming home. He would never come home.
I hated this man before me. He didn’t try hard enough. He should have tried harder to save them. He should have saved him. I shouldn’t have let him go. I should have protected him. It was a mother’s one job—to protect her child. I had failed Noah.
One solemn nod found its way to my head as the words flew from his mouth. The words I didn’t wish to hear. The words I could not accept. I considered pinching the skin on my arm as my fingertips nervously shook against them, but I knew it was pointless. There was no reason to do anything except quit. Quit living entirely. How could it be possible for someone to live when their entire reason for living was gone?
The answer was, you couldn’t. I simply existed now.
Noah. He was my reason. My entire existence. He was my birth. My death. He was my everything. He gave me all of his love, and without him I didn't know how to live. I didn’t have a reason to do so.
The tears I denied earlier now poured from my eyes and avalanched down my cheeks as I screamed, “No!” repeatedly, until I didn’t have the strength to say it anymore. I wouldn’t accept they were gone. I could not believe he was gone.
The trooper apologized and pulled me into his arms, leading us to sit on the staircase. I cried until there were no more tears left in my body. Honestly, there wasn’t much left of me.
I assumed all parents who suffered the loss of a child had good and bad days, but for me the nights were the most intolerable. Tonight was one of those nights. After dreaming of him, I missed Noah so much it hurt to breathe. When I inhaled, daggers of loneliness and heartache slammed into my chest with such a force I expected them to rip through my back at any given moment. It wasn’t often I’d admit I needed someone, but I told myself, if only for tonight, I needed Drex to keep the daggers from driving deeper into my body.
“Are you okay?” Lexie asked in a hushed voice, but had drunk a little too much for it to actually be considered quiet.
“Mhm.” I told her what she wanted to hear and closed my eyes for a split-second to hold my composure. No one ever truly wishes to hear a negative answer when they ask if someone is okay. I think a lot of times it’s only asked because it’s expected of people to ask it.
I wanted to scream at them, even though they had nothing to do with me losing Noah. They were here and so was I. It would have been easy to explode and blame it on the alcohol, but that wasn’t how I rolled.
“Are you?” I replied with a small giggle of irony. I hoped to appear cheerful, but I laughed because I was so far from okay. Honestly, I’d hung onto such a thin thread of just being okay for so long, I knew it’d eventually break and I’d plummet into full-blown insanity.
Lexie simply shrugged her shoulders in response as her fingers wrapped around the bottle’s neck and she put the rim to her lips. She stood and swayed her hips to imaginary music, taking one last gulp, and set the bottle down in front of Henry with a wink. She cupped her hands over her mouth and pretended she was playing a harmonica.
Henry laughed and joined her in the middle of the kitchen floor, dancing around her as she closed her eyes and flipped her hair from side to side. His deep throaty voice belted out an unfamiliar blues song as his hands snaked up her sides and he linked their fingers.
Drex’s body shook with silent laughter and unbridled happiness found his eyes as he watched them over his shoulder. As I watched him smile, I did, too. It was rare he smiled this wide, so when he did, it was contagious and impossible for anyone near him to deny doing the same.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and found a song that instantly changed the mood of the room with the first note. Leaning upward, Drex slid his fingers into mine and sadness swam behind his eyes as they roamed my face. By the creases setting into his forehead, he’d caught onto my mood. It was clear why my stupid heart had let him in. He saw me, even when I didn’t want to be seen.
It had taken forty days for me to fall for him, and I wasn’t even sure that was what I’d done. Was it even possible to fall for someone in that short amount of time? If someone had asked me before I met Drex, I would have told them no without hesitation. Now, I wasn’t sure how to answer that question.
Typically, when you fall for someone there are romantic gestures and empty promises uttered to one another. None of that happened with us. I didn’t even know that I loved Drex. I think it was more the idea of finding someone who knew pain as I did, even if I didn’t know what his was. In this moment, it was undeniable that he was in my bloodstream, and I flowed through his. That I was positive of.
I wanted to let the hate into my heart that I’d felt all day, but staring at Drex, I couldn’t. I silenced betrayal tapping at the iceberg’s tip of hate inside my mind. I didn’t want to be reminded of the hate I held for the world. At least I would try because I was honestly exhausted.
Lexie and Henry danced to the table, and Lexie handed Drex the whiskey and her keys.
“It’s your choice.” She winked at the both of us, and Henry pulled her into his arms.
“Henry.” Drex’s hand left mine and formed a fist as he scrubbed his beard with the other. His annoyance and sense of protection were clear in his voice.
“Where’s your wife?”
Wow. I assumed he was single since he was dancing so closely with Lexie. My mouth dropped open, but I was quick to close it. I was on the verge of calling him an asshole when Lexie laughed. Perhaps she was so drunk she didn’t care?
“He threw her out and gave her divorce papers,” she informed us, shocking both of us.
“You were right, man. She really was only after my money.” Henry squeezed Drex’s shoulder beneath his hand and politely smiled at him.
I straightened my spine, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and out of place. Lexie handed me the bottle and I happily took it from her, wanting something to do other than appear awkward. After taking a quick swig, my eyes caught with Drex’s and I hoped that now out of any time he’d understand the words
I didn’t say. I felt like a stranger in my own skin, but that would mean I actually knew and recognized the person I’d become. I didn’t. I wasn’t sure when I became a person who didn’t speak her mind and actually depended on others to make decisions for her.
“Want to go to my house?” Drex asked in a knowing voice, stuffing Lexie’s keys into the front pocket of his jeans. After a quick nod on my behalf, we both waved to Henry and her. There was no hesitation on my part at all. I wasn’t one to judge the situation they were in, but I didn’t want to be anywhere near here if his soon-to-be ex-wife returned. I had enough internal turmoil to deal with without welcoming external drama into my life as well.
There was enough liquor in my system to help me feel on edge, but not numb. I was hyper, but didn’t know how to release the pent-up energy. I turned the radio knobs until I found “Girls All the Bad Guys Want” by Bowling for Soup, a very unlikely tune to be on the radio, but it was a request. I nodded my head along with the beat and sang along, off-key, I might add. Drex laughed along with me as he tapped the rhythm out on the steering wheel.
We’d never needed falseness to fill the space between us, but right now we needed something to explain what we were doing, or at least I did. It wasn’t clear what had changed; maybe it was all me, but something was different.
“I can take you home, if you’d like,” Drex said in a comforting voice as the car rolled to a halt at the stop sign.
“If you don’t mind, I don’t want to be alone.” Honesty was the only thing I could tell him right now. I didn’t want to tell him I was afraid to be alone, and I definitely wasn’t going to tell him I thought I needed him.
Chaos (Blackwell Bayou Series Book 1) Page 11
