It was dark, and I was pretty well drunk when we finally came upstairs last night, but I remembered passing the kitchen on the third level of his house. Slowly, I took in each aspect of his house I passed, my palm dragging the rough edges of the deep crimson wall. Multiple pieces of black metal were scattered as wall art, contrasting the crimson color. There appeared to be no method to where they hung, at least I didn’t see one, but they were amazing. In a way, they reminded me of Drex’s black tribal tattoos that vined up his left leg.
At the bottom of the stairs, the kitchen was on my right, and the dining room and living room were on the left. Despite the overwhelming exterior and height of Drex’s house, the interior wasn’t as overzealous as I’d expected. It may be four stories high, but the open floor plan of each level dialed back the overwhelming factor. It suited Drex’s intricacy.
A chair scooted away from the table caught my eye and my inner server twitched. Instead of taking a left into the kitchen, I shifted right into the dining room. It was a universal pet peeve shared among restaurant workers to have all chairs placed against the table’s rim. At least it was among the ones I’d met and worked alongside. As soon as my fingers touched the arched back of the chair, its legs scraped against the hardwood floor, and I lost my balance due to being distracted. Hesitantly, I turned my head further to clearly see what had distracted me, praying I was hallucinating.
A noose of horror tightened around my throat, and I told myself I was still drunk from the previous night. That or I was dreaming. I had to be. There wasn’t any other acceptable reason for what I saw. Each step I took was harder than the former. My legs felt as if cement had hardened within them. Terror drove my heart rate to quicken, but time slowed the closer I was to the mantle. Panic pulsated through the air and I breathed it into my lungs, letting it harden once inside.
Pain-stricken tears streaked my face, and disbelief collapsed upon me. I had to be having another nightmare. At first, I barely touched the hat’s brim, expecting not to feel a thing; this would be the first time my reality collided with fantasy. I did, though. As my fingertips moved up and down, I counted the stitches in a sad attempt to remain calm. Surely, there was a reasonable explanation for this.
The amount of fishing hats in this world was more than any one person could count, so the likelihood of it being the same hat was very slim. I prayed the logic I found would bring truth to the situation. It had to. I needed it to. Cautiously, I lifted the hat’s edge and closed my eyes, prolonging the inevitable. When I reopened my eyes, four letters I never wished to see in Drex’s house stared back at me and tore my heart from my chest. The pain was so unforgiving I actually glanced at my chest to make sure it was still intact. It didn’t make sense that someone was capable of withstanding this much agony, yet bare no physical wounds or scars. My body was battle-worn from pain. The scars were engraved too deep within and never healing.
The tears no longer streaked my face, but flowed freely as I read, “Noah” in his handwriting. Regret hammered so loudly in my head it was as if someone repeatedly pounded steel against slate, and the world around me trembled as an aftershock. Noah had wanted to keep the new “cool” kid at school from stealing his hat, so I had him write his name in the top of it. Of course, he had chosen to write it in green. The color had faded, but the memory most definitely had not.
I fell to my knees, clutching the hat to my chest, and the fishing rod hooked to it smacked against the floor and snapped into three pieces. I lied to myself because I couldn’t handle the truth. This was a dream. Maybe Drex had a long-distant cousin named Noah, who just happened to be his favorite cousin, and they shared the love of fishing. I rocked back and forth, concentrating on my breathing, trying to slow it or speed it up. Fuck! I didn’t know what to do but cry. That I could do and had no idea how to stop.
Drex’s footsteps echoed behind me and came to an abrupt halt once he reached the dining room. Turning to face him, the tiniest shard of hopefulness found its way into my heart and I believed in its deceit because I needed to. There was no way I could lose Drex, when we’d just found our way to each other. I believed for once in my otherwise dreadful life, we could actually make it work. I was wrong, so fucking wrong!
His facial expression spoke the words his mouth didn’t have the audacity to breathe. Panic pounded outward from him as he closed the space between us. His silence and lack of excuses told me he didn’t have a cousin named Noah and this wasn’t a dream. With one look, he suffocated the passion within me and poison spread throughout. Each time I inhaled, the acidic truth raked down my insides, and my stomach began to churn with the sickness I was now accepting.
“Eris,” he articulated my name, his voice colder than I’d ever heard it before. “Why do you have my hat?” His words seethed outward from between his gritted teeth, and judging by his jagged movements, he was without question using every ounce of restraint his body held to control his anger. He exhaled heavily as he waited for my response.
“Your hat?” I screamed, flipping it over to show him Noah’s name. The hate withering through my veins continued its atrophy, and I could feel myself withdrawing into the past. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what kind of sick, twisted game this man was playing, but he would lose me in the process. Truthfully, I may lose myself.
“How in the fuck is this your hat, Drex?” My voice grew louder with each word that ripped through my lips. He stood inches away from me, but didn’t so much as offer a simple apology or even bother to make up a lie to cover his ass.
“Tell me I’m wrong! This is my son’s hat. Why in the fuck do you have my son’s hat, Drex?” I demanded, breaking the fishing line and throwing the end of the rod into the unlit fireplace.
His eyes widened as he watched me. I knew I’d lost control, but at this point, I didn’t care. He’d crossed the line by tying our present with my past. No reason in the world could make this okay.
“Holy shit.” He released his balled fists, and his palms scrubbed his face as if he didn’t believe what was happening, which was a good thing because neither did I.
“Holy shit is right. Start explaining. Now. I’ll only ask one more time before I start breaking things, Drex. It’s what I do. I ruin everything.” I offered him one last chance to tell me I was wrong, to call me crazy. I wanted to hear all of the words to prove I’d make a huge mistake and wrongfully accused him, but he didn’t say them.
“You’re her,” he said in an almost inaudible tone and reached out to me.
“Her?” I asked, getting to my feet and stepping backward away from him until my back was against the glass door, needing to distance myself.
“It’s impossible.” Disbelief rushed from his words, and he stilled, covering his gaping mouth with his hand.
“Noah can’t be your son.” His eyes squinted, and he sniffed, fighting the tears pleading to break free.
Hatred spun in my mind as soon as my son’s name left his mouth. Anger dripped from every pore in my body, and I ground my teeth in a sad attempt to remain calm, knowing I was well beyond that point.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Eris. I tried to save him.”
His words echoed in my body and paralyzed what little hope I’d stupidity clung to and ripped it into shreds. I’d never wished to hear those words again, especially from Drex. Hell, I denied them the first time I heard them. This would be my end. I knew better than to let anyone in, but like the idiot I am, I did, and this is where it led.
“I tried, Eris.” He sounded like a broken recording of the trooper that came to my house after the accident. A record I’d rather shatter than listen to again.
I hated the world for letting me feel happiness with Drex, no matter how brief we’d known each other.
My knees kissed the floor as I wept in front of the man I now hated. Despite the betrayal rising and falling as the tide, my arms extended and wrapped around his legs, needing something to ground me. A man, until a few moments ago, I was certain I loved, bent his knees and kn
elt to the floor to hold me.
“I hate you,” I cried, beating his chest with as much force as I could as defeat took over my body.
“I hate me, too,” he whispered and I only cried harder, wishing he wasn’t who he was. Some may say life isn’t fair. I longed for a trivial situation to say that cliché statement. My life was far beyond being unfair. It was downright vengeful. I’d fought connecting with someone for eight years, and I finally forgave myself enough to feel love, only to have my chest ripped open wide and left to bleed.
“Why?” I begged him for the answers I didn’t want, but knew I had to have them. Even if this was the end of us, I needed to know what he knew.
28
Drex
Day 41
Fuck! My eyes burned from struggling to keep the tears at bay, but I hung to the fleeting sanity left inside to rescue me. Something had to distract me before I swallowed the fucking flames and smoke engulfed us. When I saw she’d not only touched the hat, but cradled it, saying I struggled to remain calm would be an enormous understatement. No one touched my mantle, a rule that even I typically followed.
Immediately, I’d balled my fists to my sides to keep from hitting something. Eris seeing that side of me wasn’t an option, especially when I didn’t want to see this side of me. It was irrational, and I found loathing someone or something easier than dealing with the world.
While all of the emotions drained from her face that usually held such life, it was clear she spoke the truth. She was Noah’s mother, but I couldn’t grasp the reality in the words. Perhaps I didn’t want to accept them. No amount of preparation could have readied me to meet her, if I’d known who she really was. The world had a fucked-up sense of humor. She was the only person I’d been drawn to, the only person I’d loved, and yet, all of this would be coming to an abrupt halt.
Early on, I’d been honest with myself, and eventually swallowed I’d never be the man she needed, not knowing I was the man who ruined her life. All the hours we’d spent together and every minute that passed in each other’s arms all seemed wrong now. Blood stained the memories. She was the one thing in my life I’d thought wasn’t tainted by my past, when in reality, it seemed she was my past. We’d been connected in ways no one could foresee. Our heartache stemmed from the same tragic event, but I was the cause, and she was the affected. Knowing I was the source of her pain was something I couldn’t live with. For a brief pause in time, my misled thoughts considered the idea of being happy with Eris. Yet, that was when I believed I was the hero, I’d unknowingly worn the villain’s face in her story instead.
Holding her in my arms, the earth shifted and what had been a faultless day was now proving to be our Armageddon. This was the first time I knew fighting was pointless. No amount of effort could save us now. Despite the years I’d claimed to not care, that annoying emotion always lay dormant in the back of my mind, even if I denied acknowledging its presence. It kept me from completely derailing. Now that every aspect of it had been destroyed and there was no chance of it returning, the tracks that’d kept me grounded for years were broken and I was a runaway.
“Why, Drex?” she repeated herself in a barely audible voice. Reliving the past was one of my worst fears, and explaining it would mean going back to the darkest day I’d lived. Present day excluded. Unfortunately for us, today I’d taken the stage and won the fucked-up Grammy of my life.
After a cleansing breath, I pulled her to my chest and held her tight, knowing this would be our last moment. I tried to memorize how her hair always smelled like strawberries. The way she’d sneak off every morning we’d spent together and apply makeup she didn’t need was something I knew I’d miss, because it showed how blind to her beauty she was. She made me a better person, and now with everything laid out, I knew I’d been the one to destroy her.
Mulder and I went fishing any chance we got. As sure as the sun was in the sky, we were by the water and I was slinging a line into it, in hopes today would be the day I finally caught “the big one”.
A truck backed down the ramp on the opposite side of the pond. A little boy hung his head and a large portion of his body out of the truck window. I assumed he was guiding the driver. Finally, after the third time of pulling up and repositioning the angle, they got the boat in the correct direction to drop it into the water, using a good deal of team effort.
Once the elderly man and a boy who still had to attend elementary school got out of the cab and rounded the boat, I knew they’d have trouble unloading, so I yelled across the way, “Give me a few, guys. I’ll help ya put that big boy in the water.” I embellished some for the little boy’s behalf, knowing how important fishing trips with my grandfather had been when I was close to his age.
“I’m Drex,” I introduced myself, holding my hand out to shake the boy’s hand and then the elderly man’s, whom I figured was his grandfather.
“I’m Noah and that’s Granddad,” the boy said, adjusting his fishing hat and then quickly shaking my hand. He ran over to meet my puppy, Mulder, not interested in talking to me anymore.
“Jeff,” the man said his name. The love in his voice was unmistakable as he watched Noah and Mulder chase each other.
“Thanks for the help. Drex, is it?” He looked down to me as he hiked his foot onto the tailgate and used his arm to heave himself upward. I nodded my head in response and watched him move faster than I would have thought someone his age could. “That’s some name.” He laughed, loosening a ratchet strap, and so I did the same.
“It is.”
“Your parents hippies or something?” Bending to hold my stomach, I shook my head and then removed the hooks from the bed. “Sounds like a hippy name,” Jeff pointed out, and I saw him smirk. It was only then I realized he was just giving me a hard time.
“Maybe I’m a hippy,” I threw back at him and smiled in his general direction, jumping off the tailgate and lifting the bow of the boat upward as he grabbed the back.
“Good,” he said breathlessly after we set the jon boat into the water. “I am, too.” He smiled, removing his jacket and exposing a tattoo peace sign on his upper left arm, by no accident, I’m sure. He left me to hold the boat into place as he parked the truck.
“You ready to catch some fish, Noah?” he called to his grandson, who was busy splashing in mud puddles with Mulder to care what his grandfather was saying. He reached my side and climbed into the boat, unsnapping the snaps that held the seat’s top down, adjusting them both into position and hopping back onto the concrete ramp.
“Noah?”
“You bet!” he finally answered him and gave Mulder one last scratch behind the ears.
“Thanks for your help,” Jeff said, slapping my back and Noah repeated his action and words as he passed me, getting into the boat.
“Good luck!” I called, pushing the boat’s bow with my foot, and they wished me good luck as the boat drifted into the water. Mulder whimpered watching his new playmate float farther away from us, and Jeff started the motor as soon as the water was deep enough to allow him to do so.
Mulder and I walked back to our usual spot and I cast my line out, humming no particular tune. Today was a perfect day. The sun provided just enough warmth to keep a chill from your skin, and although clouds were present, no rain had fallen from them. I hadn’t checked the weather before leaving today, so I was thankful it wasn’t a bust.
Each time one of us caught a fish, we’d yell across the water to congratulate one another. The clouds were a vast contrast to what they were a mere two hours ago. They’d abruptly gone from a puffy white to a deep grayish black.
“Storm’s coming,” I yelled out to them, doubting they were local, since I hadn’t seen them until today. Thankfully, Jeff listened to my warning and turned the boat in the direction of the ramp as the rain began to spill down on us. Suddenly, the engine sputtered and died. In the same moment, Noah’s rod tipped downward and he excitedly stood to set the hook. Jeff shrugged his shoulders and smiled, standing to
help Noah.
“Little bit of rain never hurt anyone,” Jeff called out to me as he stood behind Noah, holding onto the base of his fishing rod to strengthen Noah’s hold, and his head fell backward as he laughed. A loud crack of thunder rumbled through the air, and Mulder was at my feet instantly, tucking his tail beneath him.
The rain pelted down in sheets, and lightning struck in the distance. As fast as possible, I reeled my line in and packed up my things, rushing over to the ramp because I knew they’d need my help loading the boat. Another roar of thunder filled my ears, and I counted the seconds until blue lightning flashed in the sky, not knowing if there was any truth to the whole method. Three seconds separated the two, and panic stretched within my body.
The water that had been calm began to rage and rock their boat, and I prayed to God that Jeff had enough sense to pack oars. I looked into the bed of the truck and saw one lonely oar leaning against the body of the truck.
“Shit!” I murmured and paced the edge of the water, watching Noah’s line break and his grandfather grab a single oar, frantically trying to get the boat to move. One last crash of thunder boomed across the pond, and then the lightning burned across the sky, hitting a tree on the edge where Mulder and I had been.
The tree broke and I knew what was happening, but I was fucking powerless. I couldn’t stop what was unveiling before me, but I had to do something. A guttural scream came from their boat as the tree fell onto Jeff, flipping the boat from the weight of it, and Noah was launched into the water.
Immediately, I dove into the water and fought to tread its rage. I had to find them. “Noah. Jeff!” I screamed when my face emerged and water pushed me downward. Somehow, I found the top again, throwing my hands into the water, hoping to have enough strength to move myself forward to find them. They couldn’t die. I was a fucking doctor!
Chaos (Blackwell Bayou Series Book 1) Page 13
