by Mia Hoddell
Nothing I can say will hurt her enough to knock her back a step or two.
Not that it really matters now, though. The main thing is that I’ve finally found the courage to escape her toxic presence. I don’t need not only her, but anyone from my past except Blake. In fact, it was because of them that I ended up on that riverbank believing I couldn’t handle everything in the first place, so it makes sense to leave them all behind.
“What about your toiletries and stuff?” Blake asks, shaking me from my thoughts as he tidies up the case. His voice causes an icy rush of guilt to travel through my body, and I hope he can’t read the thoughts on my face. That day on the bank is one thing I’ve never told him, nor do I have any intention of telling him. I couldn’t take it if he left me, too, and I can’t believe he wouldn’t if he knew how broken I’d been.
We’ve emptied all of the clothes I want, my make-up, jewellery, and any other items I deem essential into the case. However, having a shared bathroom means moving out into the hall and unlocking my door. Mum hasn’t followed me, but that doesn’t mean she won’t come storming up the stairs if she hears movement along the hallway.
“Leave them, I’ll buy more.”
“Sure? I’ll go get them if you want.”
I shake my head as I pack away my laptop and all of my software. “Could you grab my duvet and pillow?”
Blake doesn’t ask questions; he just zips up the case and hauls it from the bed. Rolling up the duvet, he places the pillow on top of it. “That it for now? We can always come back—or I can—if you’ve forgotten something.”
Nodding, I move to take the case from him, but he shakes his head. “I’ve got it, you just deal with your mum. I have a feeling this isn’t going to be pretty.”
“Gee, whatever gave you that idea?” I can’t help the wry smile forming on my face and the sarcasm in my voice. It’s the only way my body can think to cope with what is about to happen.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
CHAPTER SIX
Neve
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, Neve Colvin?” My mum screams, standing in front of the door and refusing to let us past.
“To stay with Blake. He has a free room and I think it will be good for us to get some space.” I try to sound as reasonable as possible. If I’m going to walk out of the door—and I am—I’m not going to be the one who gets mad.
“Don’t be ridiculous. How are you planning to support yourself? You aren’t making any money.”
“I’ll figure something out when I’m there, but I can’t stay here any longer.”
“You won’t be moving back in if you go, Neve.”
“Good.” I’m not going to let her see that her statement is like a knife to the heart. “I thought this would make you happy. I’m experiencing something new, I’m getting out of the house. You won’t have to see my ‘depressed face’ anymore, I won’t bother you, and I’m not your concern.” It’s impossible to keep the sarcasm from my voice.
“I have never called you depressed!”
“Oh really? April third, you told me I was becoming depressed and I needed to talk to someone. You said it didn’t have to be you but I needed help.”
“I don’t know what you’re remembering. I have never said that.”
I puff out my cheeks and blow the breath from them heavily. “I’m not going to fight you over it anymore, Mum. You’ve said a lot of things you don’t remember—” Her mouth opens as if to talk over me, so I raise my voice and continue. “No, I’m speaking. I’m finally going to tell you something and you’re going to listen.”
Snapping her mouth shut, she folds her arms and widens her stance. Her eyes bore into mine with a fierce intensity that used to make me want to shrink under its weight.
Not anymore.
“You’ve said a lot of things to me over the last few years. You have called me all kinds of names that have hurt, and it doesn’t matter how many times I ask you not to. You don’t realise what you say in anger, you have no filter, and I’m done taking it. Somehow you always manage to put the blame on me, but you know what? None of this is my fault. I shouldn’t have to decipher the true meaning of your words, and sane people won’t say things if they know it’ll hurt the other person, especially one you claim to love. It’s impossible to have a normal conversation with you as it always turns into a serious talk or an argument. Sometimes I don’t want a parent, I want a friend to talk to, but you can’t do that. You’ve told me numerous times that you’ll always be the mother first. Well, if that’s how you want it then I’m not sticking around for you to criticise my life choices anymore. I’m sorry it’s come to this, and you’ll always be my mum, but I need to be free to live my life without being judged. There is nothing wrong with who I am. If you really want to see who the insecure one is, look in the mirror. I’m happy being me and I’m not going to change … that is the reason you’ve lost me.”
I watch her pupils dilate, the red mist that descends when she’s angry clearing as her face drops and pales. In that second she looks like she’s aged twenty years, but I refuse to sympathise with her.
She’s the one who’s caused the situation.
She’s the one who’s driven me away.
It’s impossible to let myself feel guilty because as soon as I think of even one thing she’s said to me, it blows all of my guilt out of the water. It justifies my reasoning.
“Are you going to let me leave?” I question, but when I get no response I let out a frustrated sigh. Turning on my heels, I take off down the hall with Blake close behind me. When I reach the back door I tear it open, letting Blake out in front of me. “I’ll meet you at the car.”
His expression plainly asks if I’m sure, but I wave him away. Once he’s clear of the house and I can no longer see him, I twist back into the room. Mum still hasn’t moved. Then again, I hadn’t expected her to.
“I’m sorry, Mum. This is how it’s got to be. You know how to reach me if you need me, but from now on I’m not going to put up with your comments about my personality. You are the last person I thought I’d be saying this to … I thought you’d always have my back … and that’s why it hurts so much more when the comments come from you. I really am sorry, but I need to be me.”
I shut the door before she has time to respond, and walk slowly round to the front of the house, my feet dragging on the ground and my head hung. No part of me feels proud at what I’ve just done. She wouldn’t believe me, but I don’t like hurting her. The look that was on her face when I finished my speech is one I’ll never forget. I hate to see the pain in her eyes … it’s like a punch to the gut. But as I reach Blake’s car I know I’m making the right decision. Mum will bounce back, it’s what she does. At the moment she’s in shock, and as soon as it wears off she’ll be straight back to normal. That’s one of the worst things about the situation: despite my leaving, it won’t change a thing. Her attitude towards me will always be the same and it’s that thought that’s given me the courage to follow through with this idea. The distance will be good for both of us; I need a break and she needs something to try and shake her up.
I may not have much money saved, and be slowly losing everyone I love, but I still feel free. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders due to Blake’s offer. And even though I’m not happy at this moment in time, I can sense things will only get better from here.
I take one last glance back at my childhood home before I open the door to Blake’s car. He’s already in the driver’s seat, waiting patiently for me, but he wears a concerned expression as I slide into the seat.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t know how to answer his question, so I let the silence hang and watch the house. I can’t control the part of me silently hoping I will see the twitch of the curtain or the front door open to let me know that Mum is watching me go, but there’s nothing.
With a nod I turn to Blake. “Let’s just go, I doubt she’s goi
ng to have an epiphany and come after me.”
The car rumbles to life beneath me but we don’t move.
“Things can only get better, Stripes. And for the record, I think you’re making the right decision.”
“Thanks.” I try and conjure a smile but it doesn’t work. Instead, I turn to face the window, watching the house grow smaller behind me before disappearing into the blackness.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Blake
Neve doesn’t look across at me once on the drive back to my flat. Her gaze remains fixed out of the passenger’s window, her head leaning against the glass as she watches the shadows, streetlights, and houses go by. Although it worries me, the last thing I want to do is pressure her, so I remain quiet until I pull into my parking space and cut the engine. However, the pressing confession I need to make before we head upstairs is weighing heavily on my mind, and I don’t know how she’s going to take it.
Before I can speak she’s already out of the car and opening the boot to grab her suitcase. Pulling the keys from the ignition, I jam them into my pocket and snatch my coat from the backseat. Yet, when I turn back Neve is already heading into the building, arms full of belongings which cause her to struggle with the heavy glass door.
“Stripes, hold up! There’s something I need to tell—” The door shuts in my face, cutting off what I’m saying. It’s like she’s a walking dream with her lack of response and it’s giving my heart a workout. When I finally enter the building, she’s already in the lift. Even if I sprint, I won’t make the doors in time, so jogging to the stairs I take them two at a time to try and beat her to my floor.
I’m walking through the door when the lift pings open and reveals her standing there. Her body’s still on autopilot; she’s performing the actions but I don’t think she’s aware of it or processing anything around her.
“Neve?”
I get no response. Her eyes are glazed over and there are a few tear streaks on her cheeks from where her make-up has run. When she goes to walk straight past me, I reach out for her shoulders, stopping her so she is toe-to-toe with me and can’t escape my gaze.
“Stripes, wait. I need to tell you something first.”
“Can’t it wait? I really want to lie down,” she murmurs, casting her eyes over the door with hope. A part of me wants to say yes and forget everything, but the fact Robbie is still living in my flat poses a small problem.
“The thing is—”
“I thought I heard voices out here!” Robbie’s voice rings out like a fire alarm through the corridor before I even hear the door open. “Who’s this, Blake? You know dates don’t normally come with suitcases, right?”
Shit, I think, noting Neve’s confused expression. Robbie has managed to work his way past her trance and wake her up. Splaying my hand on the small of her back, I guide her into the flat.
“I can explain, all right, Stripes?” I thought I had spoken so only Neve could hear me, but Robbie lets out a laugh, causing my head to snap up so I can glower at him.
“Stripes? What kind of a name is that? Is she a tiger in bed or something?”
The urge to punch him is barely being contained. “I’ve already been in a fight with one asshole tonight, Robbie, don’t make it two.”
He holds up his hands and walks backwards across the room to collapse on to the sofa. “So who is she?”
“Robbie, Neve. Neve, Robbie. She’s going to be taking your room. I meant to tell you tonight, but I kind of got held up.”
“What?” both Neve and Robbie cry out at the same time. I probably could have delivered the news better but I’m short on patience. All I want is to make sure Neve gets settled, because her sombre attitude is seriously starting to unnerve me. I’ve seen her after she’s fought with her mum before, but I’ve never seen her so withdrawn.
“You heard me. I need you to find a new place.”
Robbie’s about to argue when Neve interrupts, “Can I speak to you a minute?” She nods in the direction of my bedroom and I groan. I know what she’s about to do, but I follow her reluctantly.
“You lied, didn’t you?” She rounds on me before I even have time to shut the door. When I smile guiltily it only causes her to deepen her scowl and fold her arms while she cocks her hip out.
“I … ah …” I reach up to rub the back of my neck uneasily.
“He’s not a drug dealer, is he?”
“No, he isn’t.”
She huffs. “Then why the hell did you say there was a room free if there wasn’t?”
“Because I knew you would need a place to stay … I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.” As I walk over to my bed and sink down on to the corner, her gaze follows me. “I was planning to tell him tonight, but … well, as you can see that didn’t exactly work out. It doesn’t matter, I can still get him to move—”
“I’m not kicking him out! That’s not right.”
Deep down I know it isn’t, but Neve always comes first. When she’s in the equation very rarely do I think about what is right, only what will work best for her.
“I’ll take the sofa and then find my own place …” She trails off and I lose her to her thoughts again.
“Don’t be stupid, Stripes. How are you going to be able to afford your own place? And you’re not sleeping on the sofa.”
“You’re not making Robbie take the sofa either.” Her tone is full of warning. Usually I’d be wary of her in this mood, but right now I’m pleased she’s fighting back and showing some kind of emotion.
“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to suggest taking the sofa and giving you my room.”
“I’m not kicking you out of your own bed, Blake!”
“Then we share it.” The words are out of my mouth before I have time to think them through. It’s my subconscious speaking, not my brain.
“Come on, Blake, be realistic.”
It’s already too late to retract my statement so I run with it. “I am being realistic. We’ve shared a room before.” When we were little and it meant nothing, I add silently, thinking it will not help the situation.
“We haven’t shared a room since we were ten. Anyway, what happens when you want to bring a girl home? Where am I going to go then?”
“Well, you can always stay in the room with us.” I’m only kidding, my lips quirking on purpose to draw a reaction from her. I glance up to see the effect my words have, but all I glimpse is one of the navy pillows being launched at my face.
Catching it, I place it on my lap. I’m nervous to look up, not knowing what I’ll see on her face. However, I risk a glance and breathe a sigh of relief when she grins. “Don’t be a perv, I’m being serious.”
“I very rarely bring people back here, Stripes. You don’t have to worry about that.” In fact I doubt I’ll be with anyone if Neve is in my bed.
“Well how about if I meet a guy?”
“Then you sure as hell better not bring him back here.” The words come out more forcefully than I intend.
“Won’t it be awkward?” She sits next to me, folding her legs up beneath her.
“Why would it? We’ve known each other our whole lives.”
A blush rises on Neve’s cheeks and she looks everywhere but at me. “You know …”
“It’ll be fine,” I lie. “And if it does ever get awkward, there’s always Plan B.”
“What’s that?”
“You take Robbie’s room.”
Neve grumbles something under her breath, but I’m just glad that she still appears happy. “Fine, but I’m taking the right side. And there’s going to be a wall of pillows, and—”
“Stripes?”
She looks up from the list she is counting off on her fingers, seeming more flustered than before. “Hmm.”
“We’re just two friends sharing a bed, okay? Nothing’s going to happen.”
She nods, but I swear she swallows hard first, her throat bobbing. When she glances up at me again, her eyes aren’t as playful. The ghosts
from the night have resumed circling, her face dropping in sadness. “Do you mind if I want to be alone in here for a bit? I need to write some things down or I’m never going to sleep.”
I’m not sure what she means, but now isn’t the time to ask questions. Instead, I nod and quickly bring back her belongings.
“I’ll go and explain the situation to Robbie. I won’t bother you until you come out.” Turning to exit the room, I pause when Neve calls my name, spinning back with curiosity.
“Thanks for everything.”
“Any time, Stripes.” Leaving the room, I shut the door behind me and Robbie pounces on me the second I step away.
“How can you just kick me out, Blake?” I glance at the door and lead him away. There’s no reason behind it, but Robbie can be unpredictable and I don’t want Neve overhearing anything just in case.
“Nobody’s kicking anyone out. Neve’s going to be sharing my room for a while.” When his expression shifts to holding back a laugh I silence him with a hard stare. “Don’t even think it. Neve is my oldest friend and she has a lot of shit going on in her life right now. There’s nothing going on between us, and there will definitely not be anything going on between you and her, understand?”
“All right, I get it, she’s off limits.”
I nod in acceptance, but I’m not convinced. Regardless, not wanting to cause a divide before he’s done anything to warrant it, I walk back over to the sofa and switch on the TV, ignoring Robbie’s grin. He’s way off base with what he’s thinking … at least that’s what I’ll tell him.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Neve
The murmuring from the other side of the door reaches me, but I’m not interested in spying on Blake. Instead, I pull out my laptop and open up one of the email accounts I’ve created. Nobody has this email but me. It’s filled with hundreds of emails to myself, detailing my thoughts. I guess you could say it’s an online diary, but the point is it helps me cope. Every time my mum does something to hurt me, I write it down and email it. Clicking that little blue button and sending my thoughts back to me releases my feelings and is how I’ve dealt with everything since I sat on that riverbank writing her a letter.
