by Mia Hoddell
Blake must have the same thought, because he’s stretching his arms out beside me. “We’re going to head to bed,” he says around a yawn and scrubs his hands over his face. When he stands, he pulls me up with him.
“Hang on, Blake. Where’s Neve meant to be sleeping?” Ally asks, but her tone implies she already knows what he’s going to say and doesn’t like it.
“With me of course.”
“Not in my house you’re not.” I blush at her forceful statement, shuffling from foot to foot while I pick a single spot on the carpet to focus on.
“Don’t be silly, Mum. We’re adults and we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for a while already. I told you what happened and that Neve’s moved in with me. I think if we can live together twenty-four seven without anything happening, I’m sure we can manage one night.”
“My house, my rules. You can do what you want in your flat.”
I can’t help but laugh. When it bursts from my mouth all heads spin to face at me with confused expressions, especially Blake. Deciding to put him out of his misery I say, “You said the exact same thing a few days ago. It’s not like you can argue with her if you live by it.”
“Wait, whose side are you on here?”
“Just keeping the peace. I’m sure I can manage one night without you. It’ll probably be a nice change to not have you hogging more than your fair share of the mattress.”
He shakes his head despairingly. “You keep telling yourself that.”
We both head upstairs once Ally tells us which room I can stay in. Blake is carrying the bags, leaving me to my own thoughts as we climb on to the landing and head towards my room. I don’t want to appear like the separation bothers me, but deep down I’m anxious. I have only slept without Blake once since moving in with him and that was during our fight. It was also the only night I’ve cried myself to sleep. He’s been successfully keeping my nightmares, thoughts, and tears away and that scares me. Without realising it, I’ve become dependent on him and I don’t know what’s going to happen without him there. Not that I’m going to voice my concerns. Who knows? I could be totally wrong and he’s helped me move on.
“Typical. She would put you in the furthest room away from mine, and make sure their room is between us. It’s like we’re fourteen all over again.”
“She’s just being a mum. It’s only one night.”
Blake places my bag on the bed and sits down next to it. Reaching out, he links his arms behind my hips, drawing me closer so I’m nestled between his legs. His chin rests on my stomach as he looks up at me. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
He gives me a disbelieving look, eyebrow arched sceptically. “Come on, Neve. You don’t have to pretend with me. I already know you cry yourself to sleep when I’m not around.”
My throat dries up and it’s painful to swallow the emotions that have glued themselves there. It’s so dry that when I speak the words are scratchy and broken. “I’ll be fine. I didn’t think you’d remember that.”
“I remember everything. Are you sure?”
I only nod this time, aware my voice will crack if I try to speak again. It’s a slow, uncertain nod, but thankfully Blake relents. He probably realises I’m not going to admit anything. Standing up his body slides against mine until I’m the one craning my neck to look up at him. His hands follow the same path, moving up my arms, over my shoulders, and grazing my neck to cup my jaw between his palms. With a deliberate slowness, he lowers his mouth to mine. Our lips move as one, his tongue sweeping over mine, but all too soon he’s pulling back and drawing a whine of protest from my lips.
“Sure you won’t miss me?” He smirks.
It takes all of my effort, but stubbornly I take a step back and refuse to meet his gaze. Trying to pretend like I don’t need him doesn’t come naturally. “It’s only one night.”
“Okay then.” He pulls me into a hug, his warm arms taunting me about what I’m missing out on. “Goodnight, Stripes. Merry Christmas,” he whispers into my hair.
“Merry Christmas, Blake.”
He releases me, leaving behind only coldness, and the door closes softly behind him, so that I’m all alone in the big, sky blue room.
I get changed in a hurry. Although the heating is on in the house, the cottage walls and windows let in a draught making it colder than I’m used to. The shiver that runs down my spine makes me glad I thought to bring my long pyjamas rather than my short shorts.
After washing up, I dive under the covers. I move my legs around beneath the sheets, frantically trying to heat the bed up while my teeth chatter. When I’m satisfied I just lie there, looking at the ceiling and begging my mind to switch off for once in its life. I want my theory that Blake’s made me happy to be true, but the more I think about it the less realistic it seems.
Tomorrow is Christmas Day and I’m not spending it with my family. I know it’s my choice, but it feels like that’s where I should want to be. However, I can’t think of anywhere better than with the Reynolds. At least I’ll be surrounded in a warm, loving home. It’s been a long time since I had a Christmas like that. Sure, it was always the time Mum made most effort, but when you compare it to the Reynolds, it still seems unwelcoming.
Overwhelmed, the familiar burning starts in the back of my throat, and I hold my breath. I’m not sure what that’s meant to do, but I force myself to swallow all of the painful memories rising within me. I refuse to allow myself to cry over the past. All that matters is I’m happy now.
I should be, I have everything I could ever want … well, except a family like Blake’s who love me.
No matter how much they welcome me into their lives, I know I can never be one of them. They aren’t my true family. Blake’s words about people choosing their family circle in my mind, yet I can’t believe them. Even if every bone in my body wants to. It’s okay for him to say things like that when he’s known all of the love and happiness in the world. I, on the other hand, would settle for acceptance. There’s nothing more I want than for my mum to look me in the eye and say she’s proud of me. That’s it. I don’t care if she never says she loves me, but to know she accepts me for who I am … well, it would mean everything.
I slide out of bed, my toes recoiling as they skim the frozen planks. When I try it again, I grit my teeth and let the cold sensation flow through me. It’s a distraction from everything, and I deliberately leave them bare so I can feel the new patches of cold while I walk.
With cautious steps, I cross the landing until I’m outside of Blake’s door. I don’t even bother to knock. Instead I open it slowly, so as not to let it creak, and then shut it behind me just as carefully to immerse the room in darkness again. His breathing is heavy and deep when I reach him and he’s flat out on his front. When my eyes adjust, I can see a silhouette of an arm hanging off the bed, his knuckles grazing the floor.
Moving around to the opposite side, I lift the duvet gently, easing it off to try and avoid waking him.
“Stripes?” he mumbles into his pillow and I freeze, hoping if I don’t reply he’ll think he’s dreaming. When he peers at me through sleepy eyes though, I know I’m caught.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, sliding in beside him, but making no move to cuddle up. I only need his presence to be able to sleep and my hands and feet are frozen. My body melts into the warm covers rapidly when I lie back against the pillow. A wave of happiness and heat begins to banish the lingering thoughts. Like when the sun comes out after a storm, everything seems calmer, more serene, and clearer.
“What are you doing? Are you okay?” I feel more than see Blake shuffle towards me, the mattress jostling beneath me with his movements. When he leans over me, his arm grazing my breasts, to turn on the lava lamp, I hold my breath.
Suddenly his head is hanging over me, his eyes deep with tiredness and concern. The heat from his bare chest surrounding me makes it hard to concentrate on anything else.
�
�What’s going on?” he whispers but I can’t reply. My eyes dip between us, admiring the taut muscle, and then move to his strong arms. My pulse spikes erratically. I want to touch him.
“Neve?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d be okay, but I’m not.”
Blake falls back against the bed, pulling me with him so I follow until I’m lying on his chest. My hair flops forward to cover my eyes and I like that it hides my emotions. It turns out Blake isn’t as fond of the idea. With a single finger, he pushes the strands back behind my ears and pulls my face up to look at him.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” I’ve already rejected the idea of telling him the truth about my thoughts of having a real Christmas with his family is upsetting me. He’ll feel guilty and shoulder the blame and it’s not his fault that my thoughts are as messed up as they come.
“Neve …”
“It’s nothing. I just need to be here with you,” I insist, and his gaze lessens in concern. He’s letting it go. He knows I’m not being honest, but he’s giving up for my sake.
“You know my mum’s going to blame me for this, right? I’ll be the one facing her wrath.”
I giggle at the thought. Of course Ally will blame him. Whenever we got into trouble it was always Blake who got told off. Sometimes I would do things deliberately just to watch it.
Children are cruel.
“The things you do for me,” I sigh and slide off him. However I keep my head resting on his chest and my body curled around his, taking solace from his strength.
“Sleep now, Stripes,” he whispers, and like it has some magical effect on me, my eyes start to drift closed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Neve
I’m in the kitchen with Ally the next morning while Blake and Darren are still in bed. It’s Christmas Day and I awoke early to the smell of a fresh batch of mince pies. The aroma had managed to drag me out of bed even though it was only five o’clock. I couldn’t help but investigate after showering and found Ally humming away to Slade’s song “Merry Xmas Everybody” while she prepared the food.
When I’d asked if she needed any help from the doorway, a small piece of me felt that I was intruding on her ritual, but I should have known better. She’d welcomed me into the kitchen, and set me to work cutting the vegetables, which is what I’m still doing. It turns out that Blake was right when he said Ally makes enough food to feed an army. By the looks of things, I would have assumed there was a whole party coming.
“So, I saw you weren’t in your room this morning.” At her words I miss the carrot I’m slicing. The knife thuds into the chopping board, almost cutting my finger open, and I use the distraction as an excuse to gather my thoughts. Ally is way off base with what she’s thinking, but I still can’t bring myself to look at her because of it. My cheeks have decided to flare, only adding to her assumption.
“Um … what time was this? Maybe I was in the bathroom,” I suggest, knowing it’s not true. Well it could be considering I showered before coming down this morning. With any luck, that’s when she checked and I don’t have to lie … sort of.
She gives me a sceptical look like she doesn’t believe what I’m saying. One eyebrow is raised in question, her mouth set in a firm line. It’s the expression she’s used numerous times when Blake and I were kids. Somehow it always manages to drag the truth from us without a word spoken. Her gaze is impossible to escape and even if she’s the least scary looking woman on the planet, my respect for her has me unable to try and deceive her.
“I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been so used to having him around that it felt weird not to. When I’m not with him, I have trouble sleeping. For some reason Blake helps keep all of the bad stuff away. It’s really not what you’re thinking.”
She hums dubiously, and I feel the need to defend myself. “It isn’t. We started sleeping in the same bed because I refused to let him kick his new roommate out for me. Then we got together and the routine was already in place. We’ve never gone any further than sleeping in the same bed … just sleeping.” My pitch rises, making me sound guilty even though I’m innocent. I can’t believe I’m talking about sex with Blake’s mother either. The little voice in my mind is shouting at me to shut up while I cringe.
“Blake told us about you moving in. It’s a shame it had to come to that.” Her eyes soften in concern and sympathy so I place the knife down with a regretful sigh. The subject of my mum isn’t exactly what I want to talk about, but it’s more preferable than sex talk.
“It’s getting easier. At least I have one person who loves me for who I am.”
“Oh, Neve. There are more people than just Blake who love you.” Drying her hands on the tea towel she rushes towards me. Closing the small gap between us, her arms are quickly around my neck, pulling me in tightly against her. “You will always have a home here, do you understand? We consider you a part of our family whether you like it or not.”
The emotion in her voice chokes me, tears filling my eyes. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze her back just as strongly. “Thank you, Ally.”
“And anyway, I’ll bet there will be a lot more people who’ll love you by the end of the day.” She cups my face so she can place a kiss on my forehead. The pads of her thumbs wipe away the few tears on both cheeks, and I can’t help but return the warm smile she gives me, even if there’s worry in my eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“Well you didn’t think all of this food was just for the three of us, did you?” When I don’t say anything, only stare in confusion, her smile falters. “Blake hasn’t told you, has he?”
“Blake hasn’t told me what?” I ask warily, but I don’t need her to reply. It’s obvious more people are coming for dinner.
“My sisters and their kids are coming over today.” She pauses, taking in my wide eyes and parted lips. “Don’t worry, Neve. They’re easy-going and will love you.”
I want to kill Blake for putting me in this position. Actually, I want to torture him until he’s begging me for death. Even if I know why he didn’t tell me I still don’t like it. He knew I wouldn’t come and I’d be stuck in the flat by myself … well, we’d be by ourselves because he wouldn’t have left me.
Instead of enacting my revenge, I go back to helping Ally. Being in the kitchen reminds me of Christmas with my mum when things were good. It’s a bittersweet memory when I compare it to now, but it’s all I’ve got. At least I have a few good ones.
* * *
We’re all sat in the living room. The morning frost is slowly being burnt away by the typical winter sunrise that we always seem to get at this time of year, and the chills are banished by the open fire Darren made. There are carols playing quietly in the background, and I’m lost in the music. My gaze is transfixed on the ancient ornaments that decorate the Reynolds’ tree. They have been passed down through their family for years, and every time I see them they mesmerise me. You don’t get things this beautiful now. It’s all plastic and mass-produced tat that dampens the meaning and atmosphere of Christmas.
However, there isn’t one of those on the Reynolds’ tree. They’re all made of glass, hand painted and ornate. My favourite is one depicting an angel shining out over a barn. I’m in no way religious, but the detail and colours are beautiful; rich blues and bright yellows blend with the white perfectly. My eyes move over the tree and stop on the next ornament.
“They kept it?” I’m shocked to see the bauble I had brought back from a high school trip hanging on a branch.
“Of course they did, Stripes. You gave it them.” Blake reaches for me and yanks me on to his lap so I yelp. I can’t concentrate on his actions, though. I’m still staring at the tree, trying to comprehend what he’s just said. In that statement, there are so many overpowering emotions brought to the surface: love, acceptance, belonging, and confusion.
“Don’t overthink it. Just enjoy the day.” He nips at my neck and his breath g
razes my ear to make my hairs stand on end. My lips part at the sensation, but when Ally walks back into the room I collect myself.
“Speaking of which, when were you planning on telling me that it’s not just going to be us for dinner?”
“The last possible minute?” He has a guilty but adorable expression on his face, yet I pretend it has no effect on me. Humming in feigned irritation, Blake’s face says he’s waiting for my tirade. However, it never comes.
“Wait, aren’t you mad at me?”
I shake my head. “No, I know why you did it. And as long as I have you here I’ll be fine.” I nuzzle his neck, inhaling his cologne that’s a spicy mix I can’t get enough of. When I finally do look up, his parents are watching us with intrigue. The room is silent, all eyes fixed on us, but I can’t tell why.
As if she’s suddenly noticed the awkwardness, Ally claps her hands together. “Okay, presents!” She’s already handed out a stocking to Darren and Blake, but it surprises me when I see her walking towards me with one in hand.
When she holds it out to me I stutter. “H–how? You … you didn’t even know I was coming.”
“I’m not going to leave you out, Neve. I have my ways.”
“You shouldn’t have gone to any trouble for me.”
“Just take the stocking, Stripes. You know she won’t accept no as an answer. You’re getting those presents whether you like it or not.” Everyone’s grinning at me and Blake’s chuckling.
“Thank you.” I take it from her and remove myself from Blake’s lap so he can open his. From past experiences I know there will only be small, novelty items inside. Even so, Ally always put a lot of time into them, and I’m touched that she thought to make one for me on such short notice.
“Well, what are you waiting for, everyone? Open them,” Ally says excitedly, and instantly we dig in. Blake’s the first to unwrap something and we both burst out laughing when we see the novelty Christmas jumper.
