by Mia Hoddell
“Not once have I done that!”
“You have.”
“When? When have I ever left you on your own?”
That’s not a question I’m going to answer. I know which battles to pick.
“When, Neve? If there are so many of them, it shouldn’t be that hard to find an example.” She stands, thankfully blocked by the coffee table between us. The red mist has descended on her face. Her eyes are wild, her mouth twisting into a deranged sneer as she nears the point of foaming at the mouth … well, she ends up spitting when she talks.
Not liking how vulnerable remaining seated leaves me, I also rise, and Blake follows. His hand is on the small of my back, but whether it’s a calming gesture or one to prepare himself to step in if need be I don’t know. Ignoring it, I turn to face Mum. My eyes have hardened, and my fists are clenched at my side, my nails biting into my palms. I’ve slid the metal shutters down inside of my body, blocking off all emotions from finding a way to surface. I imagine myself turning to ice, because that’s what I need to be to be able to go through with this. If I have any chance of being convincing enough for her to believe me then I have to appear as if I don’t care, even if I’m about to rip my own heart out.
“Answer me! I asked you a question and I expect an answer!”
I hold my head high and fix her with a stare. A normal person would back down under such a cold look, but Mum loves confrontation. It feeds her.
“No, you know what? I’m done. I don’t have to sit here and listen to you ever again.” My voice is monotone and strong. “I came here to see you because despite how you treat me you’re my mum and I didn’t want to lose you. However, you’re never going to change and I’m not going to put up with this anymore … I don’t have to. I’m tired of fighting and being told I’m not good enough. All I wanted from you was to be proud of me, and to show your love like a normal person rather than being the two-faced bitch who is only nice to me in public for the benefit of your image.
“I didn’t think I was asking a lot, but obviously it’s too much. I’m never going to gain your acceptance or approval without compromising who I am. That’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make, so I’m going to have to make another one. I didn’t want it to come to this … but I see no other option. I’m done, Mum. Don’t contact me unless you’ve decided you want to get to know the real me.”
I’m shocked she’s stayed quiet this long and allowed me to get a word in edgeways, so before she can start throwing her tantrum again, I leave the room. Rushing to the front door, I’m not surprised when I don’t hear footsteps trailing after me; I didn’t expect her to follow. She didn’t even look remorseful at my words. Her face showed no recognition of what she’s done to me, and all of that made my decision easier. The anger in her eyes did fade partially, but most of her was still a burning ball of rage that was waiting to go nuclear. I wasn’t planning on sticking around long enough to hear that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Blake
“Aren’t you going to go after her?” her mum sneers at me as we both remain standing, staring at the door Neve exited through. I’m proud of her for what she’s done. It must have taken an enormous amount of courage to say what she just did and I want to chase after her and make sure she’s okay. However, one thought inside my mind is stopping me.
“In a minute. I want to say something to you first.”
“Save it, Bl—”
“No. It’s my turn to speak. Sit down and listen to every word. You will not talk until I’m done, and even then I don’t really want to hear whatever vile comment is going to come out of your mouth.” I expect her to argue, but maybe Neve’s speech has knocked her off balance more than I originally thought because she falls back into the chair, folds her hands on her lap, and waits for me to continue.
“Neve is one of the sweetest girls out there and what she’s just said has probably crushed her. I fought for her not to come here earlier, but she wanted to see you and I wasn’t going to stand in the way because you’re her mother. Even if you’ve been a shit one, she still longs for your approval and I think we both know she’s never going to get it. You’re incapable of change because you can’t look in the mirror and be honest with yourself.
“She’s given you chance after chance, but you’ve pushed her too far this time. You have lost your only daughter and I can promise you I’m never going to let you near her again unless I can see you’ve really changed. I’ve had to put her back together too many times now, and each time I do there’s another piece missing. She will never be complete again, and although I have no problem picking her up, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you take any more from her.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I’m not finished.
“There is nothing wrong with your daughter. She may be quieter than your family, but so is most of the world. You’re a large group of big personalities and there’s nothing wrong with that, but Neve isn’t like you and she’s been singled out her entire life for it. She thought you’d be the one person to fight for her and she’s heartbroken that you don’t. She’s never asked anything of you but that. It should be a given that you love her unconditionally for Christ’s sake, and until you realise that and take a good, long, hard look at yourself you stay away. Got it?”
The silence drags out. I haven’t raised my voice, so the atmosphere has cooled significantly. However, she is still too stubborn to admit she’s in the wrong.
“Do you understand what I just said?” I lower my voice in warning. Unlike her, I don’t need to shout to command attention. It’s more effective if I don’t. It gives me the high ground because I can be rational, whereas she goes bat shit crazy and loses control of all reason.
She nods reluctantly, the anger simmering beneath the surface. I don’t want to listen to anything she has to say. Having said my piece, I turn on my heels and stride from the room. It’s taken me longer than expected and Neve is probably wondering where I’ve got to.
At that thought I quicken my steps, jogging out to the car. However, it’s empty, which is no surprise seeing as I’ve got the keys, but what worries me is that Neve is nowhere in sight.
“Come on, Stripes. Don’t do this,” I murmur under my breath as I pull out my mobile. When I get the answerphone four times running, I type a quick text to her.
Me: Where are you?? Please say you’re okay.
Pulling open the car door, I climb in and reverse out of the drive and on to the road. However, not knowing whether Neve left or not, I can’t decide if I should drive home. If she’s still around, I don’t want to leave her with only the bus to catch as the next one isn’t for at least an hour. I cut the engine and decide to wait, resigning myself to checking my phone every second in case I hear from her.
* * *
I remain outside of her mum’s house for a little over an hour, but it’s becoming clear that Neve isn’t coming back. I haven’t heard from her and it’s causing a nauseous anxiety to spiral out of control within me. After what she went through I have a bad feeling about everything. Her courage was an act in front of her mum. And thoughts of her broken down and crying somewhere alone make my heart want to burst with fear and guilt.
I should have gone straight after her.
She was more important than the message I delivered.
I try her mobile again but I still get no answer, so starting the engine of my car I head back to the flat, not wanting to panic until I’m sure she’s not there.
When I reach home I’m out of the car as quickly as possible and heading for the stairs. I take them two at a time, bounding up them, and slam open the door. All of the lights are off in the living room, and I can’t see any light coming from mine.
Movement to my right catches my attention when Robbie’s door opens.
“What the hell, man? What’s going on?”
“Has Neve been back here?” I sound out of breath, but it’s from the panic rising in my throat.
�
�I only got in five minutes ago but I didn’t notice her in here. Why? What’s happened? Did you guys have a fight or something?”
Dragging a hand through my hair, I pull on the roots and let out a frustrated groan. “No, we went to her mum’s and they got into one,” I say as I head towards our room. There’s no part of me that thinks she’s in there, but I have to check. At least I’ll eliminate the flat as an option.
I open the door but the room is empty and dim due to the overcast sky and small window. The bed’s still made yet the covers look rumpled, as if someone has been sat on them. They weren’t like that when we left, and when I look harder there is a slither of light coming from under the bed from Neve’s laptop.
My heart momentarily restarts because it means she’s been here, and hopefully recently if the gadget hasn’t had time to go to standby. I don’t want to invade her privacy, but in the hope that the laptop will give me some clue as to where she is, I slide it out and place it on the bed. When I open the screen the first thing I see is a list of emails. I try not to look, but it’s hard not to catch a glimpse of the odd word here and there. Guiding the cursor over to the history tab, I open it but find nothing. She must have been looking at her emails and that’s when it catches my eye. All of them are sent to herself, by herself. It’s not something I want to do, but words jump out at me and one of the emails was sent half an hour ago.
Clicking on it, I scan the page, my heart sinking with every word.
From: Neve Colvin
To: Neve Colvin
What’s the point anymore?
Once again the same word that stuck in my throat months ago is back and I’m not even by a river. One simple word has such heaviness behind it. It’s weighing me down as if I had tied rocks to my feet and jumped that day. It feels hollow and empty, kind of how I do right now. It’s final … definite.
I’ve said it once, but it’s worth repeating. Words hurt. They can cut deeper than a knife and the wound lasts longer. The marks left behind are invisible, slowly tearing you apart from the inside out. You can’t escape them. They circle you like vultures, and refuse to let you forget.
Your words are the worst and you’ve finally broken me.
Everyone has a limit.
I said things to you today that I never imagined saying. I’ve thought them countless times, cursing you over and over, but I never thought I’d say them to your face. The pathetic thing, though, is that you won’t take any notice of them. I know you won’t. The look on your face as I said them was enough to confirm that. You didn’t feel any remorse for causing me all of this pain. Your eyes were devoid of everything except anger. Your expression was tense in frustration, and your posture was upright and proud. I don’t really know how you sat there looking me in the eyes, choosing to blame me for everything instead.
So, you see, this got me thinking again. Just like last time. Would you miss me at all if I was gone? Would you feel any guilt for causing your daughter to take her own life? I doubt there are many people who would miss me actually. Just like everyone else you’ve abandoned me. I don’t know what I ever did to push everyone away. All I did was work hard and be ambitious. I don’t understand why it’s such a crime that society—and you—label me a freak.
It kills me to know you think that of me. I only ever wanted to hear four words, none of which are longer than five letters. “I’m proud of you.” Is that really so hard to say?
Anyway, thinking that word again is different this time. I pulled myself back from the brink last time because I couldn’t do something to cause you that much pain even though I wouldn’t be around to see it. This time I couldn’t care less what my actions would do to you. Maybe if I went through with it you’d realise you were in the wrong … then again you’d probably just engrave selfish bitch on my headstone.
I want to follow through. I want to convince myself it would be the end to everything and that I’d never have to listen to your judgemental words again, but I can’t. There’s something more powerful stopping me this time, and it’s something you never thought I would have.
There’s someone in my life worth fighting for now. I’m getting back on track and I’m finding myself. Somebody else anchors me to this earth and I can’t cause him to suffer. He’s probably the only one who would care and he’s dealt with enough of our shit already.
I can’t say it.
I can’t do that to him.
I could to you, but not to him.
I want to live, and I want to be happy. That’s why I had to let go of you today. I’ve told you before in these emails that you’re toxic, and it’s true. Your words have spread like poison through me, and the only cure I’ve been able to find is Blake. If I’m to have any hope of getting on with my life I need to let you go. I need to cut off the source and forget about you.
I don’t want to, but that’s the only option I have.
I never wanted you out of my life, but I obviously didn’t fit into yours. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the daughter you wanted. I tried my hardest to be a person you could love … I guess it was never enough. Nothing ever is with you.
For the record, before I go forever, there isn’t anything wrong with me and I know that now. The only people I’ve cut off are those who can’t accept me for who I am … people like you. That doesn’t mean I’m anti-social, it means I respect myself and am comfortable enough to know I don’t deserve the treatment I was getting.
I wish things could have ended differently, but it’s a pointless thought that’s only going to destroy me. That’s why I’m going to go back to the one place this all started. I’m going to end this once and for all. This will be the last email I ever write to you because of that.
I do still love you, but I need to be free.
I’m sorry … for everything.
Neve
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Blake
Staring at the screen, I try to absorb what I’ve just read. Everything is careening through my head in a painful whirlwind of emotions. I can’t latch on to one thought long enough for it to become coherent before another one whips it aside into the spiralling vortex of confusion. I knew she was hurting, but I didn’t realise it was rooted so deep. Against all of my better judgement, I can’t help but click through the other emails, scanning them to find they all have a different level of hysteria.
“Oh, Stripes,” I murmur. My heart is breaking for her, and what’s worse is I’ve seen her typing away on this fucking computer. She was writing these emails right under my nose and I had no idea she was hurting so bad. Suddenly her comment from before we left to go to her mum’s makes sense.
“Why didn’t you just tell me,” I whisper as I find the first email again. Re-reading the last paragraph over and over, the words sound like a pounding bass drum inside of my head. “End it all” is stuck on repeat, starting to quicken in time with my heart that’s threatening to jump out of my chest with the speed at which it’s racing.
Shutting the laptop fully to put it on sleep, I grab the keys to my car and hurry out of the room. I know where she is and I just pray that I get to her before she does something stupid. Even if most of the email said she wasn’t going to do anything, it was still a ramble of emotions that meant she could be in any frame of mind. She sounded unstable.
I hate to think of what could happen if I’m too late. I refuse to even consider what life would be like if Neve wasn’t in the world. I’d lose my best friend, my partner in crime, my soul mate … because that’s what she is. I loved her before I even realised it. There’s only ever been her, and I’ve been so fucking stupid not to pick up on how dark the path she’s travelling has become.
Driving on instinct, I can only guess where Neve is. The only clue I have is a river, but that leaves a lot of options open seeing as it stretches the length of the town. There’s only one place I can think of that Neve goes to, though. Whether I’m right or not I won’t know until I get there, so speeding up, I head for the spot Neve goes to be
alone.
Finally, I reach the car park and pulling into an empty space I race from my car, slamming the door and not even bothering to check whether it locks behind me. I take off at full speed, jumping the metal gate that leads to the footpath. This is thousands of times worse than when I got her text at the bar. The blood is pounding in my ears. I’m struggling to breathe around my nerves and exertion as I push my body to the limit and sprint the length of the field, having to dodge the odd rabbit hole every now and then.
The meandering river starts to come into sight, the ditch travelling on for miles in either direction. Sounds of rushing water fill the still surroundings, the cold and damp weather keeping everyone away.
I head to a shallow point between the trees, crossing via the stones that have appeared above the waterline. There’s only one bank left to climb and a few hundred metres separating me from Neve’s favourite spot now. The mud is loose and slippery from the previous night’s rain, but using my hands I struggle into the second field. I feel like a solider about to go over the top for the first time, not knowing what I’m going to be faced with, but preparing myself for the worst.
Breaking out into a run again, I catch a glimpse of something colourful that doesn’t belong in the dead landscape. It’s the sky blue hoodie Neve had been wearing among the branches of one of the trees hanging over the river.
