by Mia Hoddell
He doesn’t kiss me like I expect, just remains hovering over me our faces centimetres apart.
“I love you, Neve.” His words are a caress in their own right.
“I love you, too,” I whisper back, my lip trembling with the intensity of the feelings running through me. They’re all overridden when he leans in, deliberately taking his time and draws my bottom lip into his mouth, pulling on it with his teeth lightly. All I know is that I want him completely.
Reaching down I toy with the button on his jeans, giving him a big hint at what I want. I know when my hand registers in his mind because he pulls back sharply to peer at me. His eyes have become even darker with the desire swirling in them.
“Are you sure about this, Neve?” His voice is deep and rich with longing. There’s no doubt in my mind that he wants me and I want him. Blake makes me comfortable. I can be myself and I know he means what he says.
I nod slowly, not taking my eyes off him while I try to get the damn button on his jeans open.
“I need to hear you say it, Stripes,” he whispers against my neck, making me forget everything except the sensation of hip lips over my pulse point. His stubble scratches my skin, causing me to whimper with need and I turn to face the window, allowing him full access.
When he gets no answer, he pulls back with a smug grin. “Words, Neve. Use words.”
I take in a sharp breath. Like he’s so unaffected; not only can I feel every inch of him pressing against my core, but he’s also having trouble speaking.
“Yes, I’m sure. I want you to make me feel alive,” I manage to get out in a breathy rasp and that’s all it takes to convince him. Immediately, Blake is back on top of me, possessing me with his touch and claiming me with his lips.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Blake
She looks so peaceful sleeping next to me, using her hand as a pillow and curled up in a ball with a serene expression. Neve doesn’t know it, but I watch her sleep often. I’ve always been an early riser and it’s the one time when she’s totally at ease. There’s not a single worry on her face, and sometimes even a smile graces her lips. I would love to know what she’s dreaming about on those occasions, but asking would give me away.
Reaching over I brush away a strand of hair that’s obstructing my view. She stirs at my touch but doesn’t wake, and as I watch her I think about what we did last night. No part of me regrets it, but I have this unshakable worry that she might. We got caught up in the moment; Neve was vulnerable, and although I knew she wanted it whether last night was the right time is playing on my mind. The last thing I want is for her to regret what we did because it didn’t come about how I would have liked. Neve had been upset, she’d distracted me, and she’s impossible to say no to.
That’s not to say that it wasn’t fucking amazing—it was. I fall back so I’m staring at the ceiling, one arm behind my head. God, I sound like a girl overthinking the morning after, but it’s what Neve does to me.
“I can almost hear your thoughts from here. You’re going to make your head explode if you don’t stop soon,” she mumbles, rolling over so she’s lying fully on her front. When I glance across she’s peering at me through one eye and the light from the window pours in behind her head. Her face is squashed into the pillow but she still looks beautiful.
“What’s wrong?” she asks gently, her hand moving to brush against my cheek. I don’t let her get there. Taking her hand in mine, I bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles one by one. She sighs contentedly and a small amount of the gnawing concern is lifted. At least she hasn’t yelled, burst into tears, or ignored me yet.
“Blake? What’s up? Did I do something?”
My chest constricts at her thought. The last thing I want is to cause her to doubt herself all over again. “Of course not. There isn’t anything wrong.”
She raises herself up on to her elbow to get a better look at me. Her eyebrows are arched in question, and when she lifts her hand to push her hair back it knocks away the covers, revealing her naked body. My eyes are instantly drawn to her chest, my throat closing up as I try to swallow. Neve doesn’t have the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen, but on her they’re perfect.
At my obvious distraction, Neve glances down. The second she realises what she’s done she lets out a high-pitched squeal and grasps for the duvet to cover herself. I bite my lip, restraining myself from letting out a groan of disappointment at the lack of skin she’s now showing. And when I can finally pull my gaze back to her face—hey, I am a guy—her cheeks are a deep crimson and she’s trying to avoid my eye line.
“If nothing’s wrong, why were you thinking so hard that it looked like you were going to give yourself an aneurysm?”
She isn’t going to let it drop. It seems somewhere along the lines Neve has decided to switch our roles and take charge. Not that it’s a bad thing, but she seems to be handling everything too well at the moment—well except for running off and making me think she was going to kill herself. Yeah … maybe she isn’t handling things as well as she wants me to believe.
“Blake?”
“Hmm.”
“What’s going on?”
“I think we need to talk about everything that’s happened recently.”
“Do we have to?” With a moan she goes back to looking at the pillow, picking at the cover restlessly.
“Yes. This isn’t something small, Stripes. I need to know you’re okay.” I stroke back the curtain of hair blocking her face, my knuckles feeling rough against her smooth skin, and she lets out a defeated sigh.
“I thought what we did last night proves I’m okay.”
“What we did last night proves a lot of things, Stripes, but that isn’t one of them.”
She cocks her head to one side, looking at me curiously. “What did it prove then?”
“That you love me, that we’re great together.” I pause, knowing the reaction my next statement is going to draw. “It also proves the sex between us is amazing.”
“Blake!” she squeals and dives into the pillow to bury her face. It’s adorable when she’s embarrassed, and even if I would like nothing more than to repeat last night, she’s trying to distract me—something that’s working.
Reaching over, I run a finger between her shoulder blades, drawing an involuntary shiver from her. “What? It’s true … well, it was for me anyway, and I’d say by the way you cried my name you felt the same.”
“Will you shut up?”
Throwing my head back, I laugh at her muffled response. “Come on, get up. We have a lot to talk about.” I slap her ass playfully, causing her to rise from the cushion with a squeak.
“But I don’t want to talk.”
“Tough, we’re talking whether you like it or not.” A frown creases her forehead, her eyebrows drawn low, but I continue seriously. “I’m not letting you shut yourself off from everyone again, Stripes. I need to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, stop worrying. You’re worse than your mum.”
I pretend to be offended, my eyes wide and disbelieving as I hold my palm over my heart. I don’t want this to be a deadly serious talk and if there can be humour as we go I’ll try my hardest to put it in. However, the topic doesn’t really warrant a lot and therefore is quickly sobered by my next thought.
“You wanted to kill yourself, Neve. This isn’t me being overly cautious … you got to the point where things were so bad … you wanted to end it all.” It’s a struggle to get the words out. To think of Neve in that position causes my gut to clench.
She exhales loudly. “I was never going to do it, Blake. I stood there hating myself for not being able to go through it, but it felt wrong. The thought of the pain I would cause people, even those who don’t really care, stopped me. I wanted so badly for everything to go away and I was in a dark place then. Nothing seemed to make it end, and it was the only way I could find to get out of the situation. Even then it wasn’t enough to make me jump. I didn’t want them to win,
and despite feeling like I had nothing left, I did. It’s what made me fight. Despite being stood on the riverbank, a part of me was fighting. I realised I wanted a better life, not no life at all.”
Hearing her describe what she was going through tightens the fist squeezing my heart to an almost unbearable level. I rub the ache subtly, trying to ease the pressure without her catching me, though she seems too lost in her world to notice the movement. To think of Neve in even the smallest amount of pain causes the protective desire to surge through me. The fact that I didn’t notice and didn’t save her is something I’m going to have to live with. All I can do is thank God that she is stronger than she gives herself credit for and fought for what she wanted, while helping her now.
Thinking it’s better to allow her to get everything off her mind at once, I don’t interrupt. I didn’t really want to have this conversation naked in bed, but at least Neve is talking. It takes a lot for her to open up, and she’ll only shut down entirely if I stop her so we can change.
“It’s all good now. I didn’t do it and things are getting better … you made things better. What else is there to say?” She speaks so casually now, brushing off the topic like she was only recounting the weather report for the day. It’s from embarrassment, the frequent glances at the bed, redness in her cheeks, and lack of eye contact are enough to confirm that. But there’s also a small hint that Neve truly believes there is nothing left to talk about. I, on the other hand, can think of a million things that need discussing. The only problem is trying to figure out how to bring them up, keep Neve talking, and not offend her.
“What was it that set you off? How long were you considering it before something triggered you?”
Her eyebrows knit together. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
I shake my head, trying to smile through the worry so she won’t feel like I’m forcing her. At my response Neve takes a deep breath, blowing it out dramatically. “It wasn’t something I thought of regularly until she broke my laptop. I didn’t know how I was going to afford a new one, and that meant I couldn’t work towards setting up my graphic design site. Everything just built up at that point and I didn’t know what to do.”
“She did what?” I can’t keep the anger from my voice. Neve had to get a new laptop a few months back, but she told me it was only an upgrade. I had no reason to believe otherwise so I brushed it off. When Neve recoils at my outburst, it sends a stab of guilt straight through my heart. “I’m sorry. I just can’t believe she did that. Well I can, but … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lose my temper.”
“We were fighting as usual. She was mad I wasn’t going out and getting a job with my degree. I had been up in my room working on my website and she lost it. You know how it is, she yells and I shut down because there’s no reasoning with her when she’s like that. It’s safe to say she didn’t take my lack of response well. She ended up smashing my laptop by sending it flying across the room. It took her three hours to calm down and realise what she’d done, but she refused to pay for a new one. Said that it was my fault it broke because I was more interested in it than her. I had to sell the jewellery my gran left to me when she died to be able to buy a replacement in the end.”
That jewellery meant a lot to Neve. They were her most valuable possessions and I despise her mum for forcing her into that situation. It also says a lot that I’m not at all surprised by her mum’s attitude towards the broken gadget. What does shock me is that she got physical in her abuse. I never thought it got that bad, and dread fills me at the question I’m almost scared to ask. “Has she ever hit you, Neve?”
Her eyes widen, her mouth dropping open. “No, she’s never hurt me like that. She takes it out on objects thankfully.”
Nodding, I can’t begin to explain how relieved I am by that statement. It’s clear that her mum is more unstable than I first thought. “So what happened after that?”
“I just started thinking everything over. At this point I didn’t have the money to get a new laptop, which meant I couldn’t start my business and I would have to get a job to be able to fund it. That was probably the reason she did it. Anyway, you know how I overthink. The more I ran it through in my mind, the darker it got. Every day that passed seemed to be worse than the previous one. I was at home, not even working towards my goal, and that made Mum unbearable. It started off as a small ‘what if’ thought, you know? What if I wasn’t born? And then it grew until I started to believe in the idea.”
I want to pull her into my arms and erase the look of utter sadness on her face, but she isn’t finished. When she looks up, her eyes are glistening with unshed tears, her teeth dragging over her lip.
“I swear I didn’t go to that river with the intention of jumping. I won’t lie and say I didn’t consider it while I was there, because I did. Believe me, every option came to me when I was sat there. Any twisted, messed up thought you can think of, I had it and I considered them all, but I couldn’t follow through … I couldn’t give up. Originally, I only went there to write … it’s where I wrote that email by hand and came up with the idea of venting that way. I guess I thought that maybe she’d find them and realise what she was doing, but I never had the guts to leave them lying around. Instead, I pretended she was receiving them.”
This time I do reach over. Drawing her close to me, I slide across the bed to close the gap between us. She allows me to hold her flush against my side, resting her head on my chest so all I can see is her hair. There’s nothing sexual about the position or the lack of clothing. I only want to hold and offer comfort as the first tear drops on to my skin.
“Why didn’t you come to me? I could have helped.” I keep my tone gentle, not accusatory.
“I was scared that you’d think I was too much trouble and leave. I was embarrassed and ashamed of what was going on inside of my mind, and didn’t know how to bring it up. You already do so much and have your own problems; I didn’t want to add to them.”
I blow out a breath and roll my eyes because she can’t see me. The biggest issue in my life then was trying to find a girlfriend that compared to Neve. Hardly important in comparison, but that’s Neve for you. She’s ridiculous, and yes fucked up in a certain way, but she’s loveable, adorable, and she never gives herself enough worth.
“I will always be there for you, Stripes. No matter what, you hear me? Nothing you can say will drive me away, so please don’t shut me out.”
Her whole body moves when she shrugs.
“I’m serious. I will always be there for you.”
She tilts her head back so she’s gazing up at me, her big brown eyes holding all of the love she finds hard to put into words. “Thank you.”
“So what happens now?”
The love that was in her eyes turns to confusion as she angles her body to face me without twisting. I can’t help but notice she makes sure to keep the covers tightly around her. “Why’s anything got to change? I told you I’m fine.”
Letting out a sigh, I prepare myself because I know my next words aren’t going to go down well. Neve won’t accept what I’m about to say, but I have to try at least. Even if she says she’s fine, I can still see things affect her and I’m not going to risk losing her.
“Don’t you want to talk to someone?”
“You mean a shrink?”
I cringe at her deathly glare. “Yeah?” The word comes out more like a question than I intend it to, and Neve’s face transforms before me. It hardens, becomes angrier, but there’s also betrayal in her eyes and that’s the one that cuts me deepest.
“I said I’m fine. Why would I need to go and see someone? I don’t want to talk to a stranger about things.”
“I just thought it might help, that’s all. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you, or that you need fixing. All I want is for you to be happy.” I rush to continue when I see her anger building and understand the reason why. “You said you can’t stand losing me, well right back at you, Neve. You’re it
for me, always have been.”
Her gaze softens at the emotion in my words. I cradle her face, brushing an escaped tear from her cheek with my thumb.
“You’re not going to lose me. You never were.” There’s stubbornness in her tone that makes me grit my teeth in annoyance. That tone always ends with me giving in and this isn’t a subject I want to do that on. Maybe it’s all too much at once, though. She’s opened up more than she ever has to me, so I try another tactic.
“Will you at least think about it?” I would like her to talk to a professional just so she can finally put everything to rest. Despite what she says it still eats away at her, and I don’t want her to start going backwards when she’s been moving on so well.
There’s only silence for a minute before she responds. “Is this one of those ‘I’m going to badger you until you cave’ thinking about things, or are you going to back off?” Her eyes narrow in suspicion and I should have predicted she’d see straight through my plan.
“I’ll let you think about it and remind you every so often?”
She makes the sound of a wrong answer buzzer and surprisingly I laugh. If Neve is back to humour, at least something is progressing.
“I’ll leave you to think about it and you’ll come to me when you decide to listen?” I try again and her eyes bore into me with disapproval.
“Always so confident. You’ll let me think about it and if I decide to talk to someone I’ll let you know. It’s not like I can afford it anyway.”
It’s as close to a yes as I’m going to get. “Okay fine, you win. But, please talk to me if you need to, yeah? Don’t keep things bottled up again and don’t worry about the cost. I can afford it if you’d rather go private than use the NHS.”
