“Mom there's no time to explain.”
As we storm into the bedroom, Kennedy is still standing there with the towel wrapped around her. She is staring at her feet as her body shakes uncontrollably. There is an audible gasp as my mother enters the room. The scene before us is like some kind of blood bath.
“Oh Kennedy, my love, what has happened?” The tears stain her pink cheeks as they flow freely down her face. Mom looks around the room, taking in the devastating scene. She scans the floor and I know she has seen my clothes sprawled next to the bed. Her hand flies up and over her mouth.
“What have you done Cole?” Shouting louder she asks, “What have you done to her? Dammit Cole answer me!” Fuck, I'm confused and my breathing is all over the place. What the fuck does mom think I've done to her?
“Mom I didn't do anything to her. Well… err… we kind of had sex, but I didn't hurt her! At least I don't think I did?”
I push my hands through my hair and drag them over my face, exhaling loudly. Kennedy just stands there frozen, in a state of shock. Mom glares at me, pointing directly at me as she huffs, “We will talk about this later, but for now, get the hell out of this room so I can help Kennedy get dressed. I suggest you clean yourself up and head out to the car. We will be down shortly.” Mom snaps her head away from me and I have no words. Nothing I can say will make this better. I can hear the anger and disappointment in my mother’s voice. I head to the bathroom, splashing my face with water. FUCK! What the fuck is happening? I punch the wall, releasing my frustration and anger. I stare at myself in the mirror in total disbelief at what just happened. God damn, I know I was rough with Ken tonight, but could this really be my fault? I feel the vomit rise at the thought that I've damaged the girl I'm so deeply in love with. I shake my head trying to rid the thoughts from my mind.
I run across to my room, grabbing my things and throwing on a shirt. I head down to the car, jumping in and rest my hands on the steering wheel. I try and grip the cool leather but my god damn hands won't stop shaking. My chest is so tight I can barely breathe. The door to the house opens as my mom steps through, arms draped around Kennedy who is now dressed in pants and a top. It’s obvious from here that she is still bleeding heavily. I jump out of the car opening the rear door to the truck. My Mom throws a handful of towels at me.
“Put these on the seats Cole, she is still bleeding badly.” I spread out the towels on the back seat then turn and grab Ken's upper arm as we help her inside. Kennedy makes eye contact with me, her eyes dark and blood shot. I see her pain but have no words of comfort.
“It’s okay baby, we will get you to the hospital, I promise you will be okay.” I kiss the top of her head before racing back to the driver’s seat. Mom jumps in the back, still holding Kennedy. I hear the meek sound of Kennedy's voice as she asks my mom, “What's wrong with me, what's happened? This has never happened to me before, is there something wrong with me?” she pleads, looking for the answers I know my mom does not have. The sound of her cries pulls on my heart and in that moment, I feel like a broken man.
“Remember when we found you Kennedy, and you were in the hospital? Do you remember what the doctor told you?” I hear my Mom say and I’m intrigued to know what she is talking about. I look at Kennedy who just shakes her head in response.
What the fuck is going on?
Kennedy
The moment the doctor stands in front of me explaining why I was pouring out blood was the moment I know I can no longer run from my past. No more secrets, no more escaping the past; it has caught up with me and the truth has to come out.
I was Pregnant.
18 weeks pregnant to the man who raped and tortured me since I was 5.
Kennedy
Age 8
The man we all know as 'Leader' takes my hand and starts to stroke my face. I pull away. I don't want him to touch me, not again.
“Keep still my little angel; this is God’s work, God’s will. He brought you to me for enjoyment and I will enjoy you. You know you are different Kennedy?”
I'm scared and I don’t dare look at him.
He grabs my face hard and makes me face him, running his grubby hands through my hair. “You are so different from the others Kennedy; you are the special one. See these eyes and this hair? They were made for me, you were made for me.” I struggle, trying to get him to release his hold as I know what’s coming next. I feel the sharp sting of the back of his hand as he hits my cheek, causing blood to pour out of my mouth. My lip is cut and my face begins to throb in the aftermath of his assault.
“See what you have done now? You have to learn to obey me! I am the master and everyone, including you, answers to me. You need to remember the more you struggle Kennedy, the more pain you will endure.” He removes his belt and the onslaught really begins. My screams and cries can be heard throughout the house. I can never understand why no one comes to help me. This was happening to me most nights and I know the girls next door must be able to hear me.
The next day, I am covered in bruises but nobody asks me what's happened. We live a very restricted life here in the commune. There are about forty of us in total; the house is large but very basic. We have very limited access to the outside world and we are home schooled by Pippa who also lives here. Pippa is nice.
The major part of our day consists of us praying in the main hall with the leader. I rush to get ready as I can't be late for prayer time. We have to follow the rules or we don't get fed, and food is already in short supply.
We don't have toys here and when we are not being home schooled or praying, we have chores to complete.
Every day is the same.
Every day I cry.
Every night the leader comes into my room.
Every night I cry myself to sleep when he is finished with me.
Kennedy
Present Day
“The bleeding was probably caused by the rupture of a blood vessel. After several test results, we can see everything appears normal and there has been no damage to the baby. We would, however, like to keep you in under observation. You have lost a lot of blood and your tests do show that you are slightly anemic.”
The doctor looks over the rim of his glasses as he talks to me, jotting down notes on his clipboard full of paper. Jocelyn clutches my hand, nodding towards the doctor, “Thank you Doctor Simmons.”
“No problem, if you have any further questions, do not hesitate to ask one of the nurses. I can always come back to see you. The nurses will be along shortly to do their observations Kennedy, for now try and rest, ok?” I nod, not knowing what to say. What can I say? Yes, doctor, thank you, I'm so glad I'm pregnant. Well that would be a total lie. There is only one thing I'm sure of. I'm going to lose the only man I've ever loved. The thought of Cole floods my mind as it begins to race. I feel the tears threaten at the thought of him and what I was going to lose.
“Kennedy, sweetheart, we need to talk about this. I don't want to press you or upset you but I need to know what's happened? I will support you no matter what, but you need to open up. Do you know who the father is?”
I nod.
“Did you have any idea that you were pregnant?”
I shake my head from side to side in response, squeezing my hands tightly; fidgeting as the conversation grows uncomfortable. I pull my knees up and rest my head down as I sob. I take a deep breath and let out all my secrets.
“Do you not remember the doctor telling you when you were in the hospital, when we found you?”
“I honestly have no memory of it Jocelyn…”
“What, none at all?” I hear the disbelief in her voice.
“Honestly Jocelyn,” I sob. “Don’t you think I would have spoken to you about it, if I’d have known?”
“I know how difficult you find it, talking about things and opening up to me. I would have approached the subject with you at some point, but I felt it necessary for you to settle in first, find your feet. I had no idea about you and Cole. Do you feel
like you can tell me what happened Kennedy, do you want to tell me who the father is?” she asks again. I drop my head, trying to steady myself for what I was about to say. I take in a depth breath-
“I came from a religious commune Jocelyn; I was raped practically every day until I escaped. I ran and ran and ran, until I could run no more.” The sobs came louder and faster as I could no longer control my emotions. There was so much I didn't want people to know about me, but there was no way of explaining this predicament without being honest. Jocelyn sits down beside me and comforts me; wrapping her arms tightly around my shoulders, she squeezes me.
I feel myself rocking as I try to push back the memories of what happened.
Kennedy
Age 15
Our leader says he will make me his wife one day.
I don’t want to be his wife. I hate him. I feel sick every time he lays his hands on me.
I have been summoned to his room and I know I just need to shut down; numb my mind while he abuses my body. I stand outside his door and can hear the moans of several women as I knock and enter. He whips his head and looks at me.
“Take off your clothes and sit on the chair, I want you to watch!” He points to the chair at the side of his King size bed.
I see him fisting his erect penis while two women are touching each other on the bed. He leans in and continues to grope one of their breasts. I know these women, Mary and Celeste. They are married to other members of the commune, but this sort of thing happens all the time. We have been taught by the leaders that spirituality is closely tied to sexual freedom and everyone should enjoy that freedom. I don't feel free while I am forced to watch our leader perform these acts on these women, who by the sounds of things are clearly enjoying themselves. I shift uncomfortably in the chair, not knowing where to look. I don't want to watch but I know I will be punished if I don't follow his instructions. I stare blankly in their direction not really watching, just staring into space. The moaning and groaning becomes ear piercing as he works on Mary.
I sit there for another 30 minutes or so while this continues. I start to feel sick as my fear begins to spiral, knowing what to expect next. As they dress and leave, our leader turns his attention to me. He strides across to me, smelling of sweat as it drips from his forehead; he uses the back of his hand to wipe away the droplets near his brows. As he gets closer I physically gag, I cover my mouth, trying not to let it show; this would only mean worse punishment. The only way I would get through this is to shut off my mind and let him use my body.
He stands right in front of me. “Open,” he barks.
I close my eyes, trying to block out what he was about to do to me. He fists his penis before entering my mouth, grasping my head tightly with his clammy hands. He moans as he pushes angrily into my mouth, hitting the back of my throat. I'm close to being sick as he continues his assault on me, but I know from the past that he doesn’t care if I am sick while he is in my mouth, he just laughs. I squeeze my eyes tightly, trying to think of something, anything other than what was happening in this moment. The moment I feel the warmth at the back of my throat, I sigh heavily hoping this was enough for tonight. He strides over to the bathroom and shouts over his shoulder, “In the bed Kennedy, I haven't finished with you yet.”
My stomach sinks and I just want to escape, “Please sir, I have chores to attend to, and I am very tired this evening after a full day of worship.”
“Nonsense,” he shouts back. “Remember Kennedy, if you expect to go to heaven you have to follow your leader’s commands, and I command that you get into my bed, I said I'm not finished.” I knew; this was only the start of things to come tonight.
Kennedy
Present Day
I lay on the bed feeling utter despair.
How could I possible look after a child? A child I'm not sure I even want? It was created by a monster, someone so vile just the thought of him is enough to make me shudder. I had absolutely no idea that I was pregnant, we had always been forced to take birth control, until our leader said it was time to stop. He told me it wasn't my time yet; that he enjoyed me too much to have me pregnant. But eventually he would make this happen, that I would have his child. Since leaving, I haven't had any access to birth control, but my periods made a re-appearance so I never thought in a million years that I was pregnant, it just wasn’t possible.
Jocelyn enters, bringing in with her two hot drinks.
“Oh good your awake, I've brought you a hot chocolate,” she says sweetly with a sincere smile on her face.
“Thank you.”
“So how do you feel sweetie? You know Cole is still sitting in the waiting room hoping you will change your mind and let him see you. I didn't know there was anything between the two of you but after speaking to him, it's clear he has deep feelings for you.” Her words cause the tears to flow.
I sniffle back as I say, “But he's not going to want me now. If he knows who I was, he won't want to touch me again. And the baby Jocelyn, how do I tell him about the baby?”
I feel myself becoming hysterical as my words tumble out barely making sense.
“Kennedy, Cole knows about the baby and he's still sitting out there wanting to see you. I had to fill in some of the blanks; the boy was going insane out there not knowing anything. I had to say something; he's been there for hours. He's my son and he was worried it was his fault. I'm sorry, I know it’s not my secret to tell, but Cole deserved some sort of explanation; he thought it was him that had caused the bleeding.”
I grab a tissue and wipe my face. “I understand Jocelyn, you don't have to explain yourself to me, he needed to know. I'd hate for him to think it was his fault.” I take deep breaths, slowly exhaling after each intake.
“Would you like me to send him in? I really think you two should talk and I know he's eager to speak to you.”
“Oh… err… I don't know if I want him to see me this way. I'm a mess Jocelyn, look at me.” I circle my face highlighting the bags under my eyes and my hair that is scraped back and tied in a high ponytail.
“Okay, so I agree you’re not going to win any supermodel competitions in your current state, but I really don't think Cole will be bothered about your appearance right now.”
Cole
I'm sitting in the waiting room when my Mom appears, nervously walking towards me. She tentatively takes a seat beside me as she places her hand on my arm. “Kennedy has agreed to see you son, but please, bear in mind what we talked about earlier.”
I broke down when Mom retold the story of what happened to Kennedy and how she had ended up in the hospital. Her words shattered me when I heard the story of her abusive past. I was so angry, I ran straight out of the hospital, taking my pain out on the wall outside. Yep, I fucked up my knuckles. But even the pain in my hand could not numb the horrendous feeling I had knowing what this beautiful broken girl has been through.
“What do I say to her Mom? How do I make this better? She is pregnant for crying out loud!” I tap my leg repeatedly as the panic rises inside me. I needed to see her but I have no idea what to say.
“I don't have the answers son; I cannot imagine how she feels or how bad her life really has been; she has told me the bare minimum. However, I'm sure of one thing, having you there to support her is the best thing you can do right now, and I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with her, I'm simply saying be her shoulder to cry on Cole.”
“But I love her Mom.”
Kennedy
Age 16
Today I disobeyed Leader. As punishment, I have been stripped of my clothes and tied naked to a tree outside in the blistering heat; I am so thirsty and my lips feel like they are starting to blister. The hard, wired ropes are cutting into my wrists. I don't know how long I will be left here, but the heat is becoming unbearable. Every now and then some of the other children will throw holy water over me while shouting, “Cleanse your soul!” I was being highlighted as unworthy and disobedient to the rest of the community.
As the night draws in, two of the senior leaders appear, one holding a cane the other holding a whip and I fear what is coming. This is not the first time.
They release the ropes, drag me to my feet and command I stand with my hands resting against the trunk of the tree. One sharp sting comes after the other as they both proceed to rip my skin with their chosen weapons. I can feel the warm trickle of blood down my back. I scream and cry out with every tortured rasp of contact against my skin. Minutes later, when I no longer have strength to hold myself up, I collapse to the floor. I want to die. Dying has to be less painful than this.
Kennedy
Present Day
Every ounce of pain I have ever felt does not compare to the pain I feel now as Cole walks in the room. I know my past has ripped away any chance I had of happiness, any chance I had of love. His eyes are dark and his face appears so haunted I have to look away. I hear the scrape of the chair and turn back to see him sitting beside the bed; he’s fidgeting, tapping his legs speedily while exhaling into his hand.
“I'm so sorry Cole, I had no idea.”
His head drops further into his lap and I see his body shaking. I bend down and realize he is crying. I gently place my hands on his back.
“Please don't cry Cole, I never meant to hurt you, I'm so sorry!”
He jumps out of the chair, pushing it backwards as he leaps to his feet. He starts to pace the room frantically.
“For fuck sakes Kennedy, don't apologize for jack! You have nothing to be sorry for. I had no idea baby, no idea at all about what you've been through. If I had known, I would never have been so rough. Fuck Kennedy, I feel awful and I just don't know how to deal with all this shit.” His voice becomes tight and I can physically feel his anger and pain.
Beautiful Broken Girl (Broken Girl series Book 1) Page 15
