by MF Isaacs
“Wow. I haven’t put any thought into it, I have just been going through the motions because it’s what I feel like I am supposed to do. It feels like a chore I am doing because I am expected to. I haven’t even considered who is behind the expectations. At this point, I don’t know where else I would go. We sold the house.” Que the tears. I know we agreed to get rid of the house and honestly it isn’t the building I am crying about. It’s the whole fucking thing. “I think I am just overwhelmed but not really sure what to do about it.”
“So, I don’t know exactly what to do about it either, but I have a couple things going through my mind right now. What about dropping some of your classes? You could lower your class load which might help you not feel so overwhelmed. Or what about trying online classes? Sierra I don’t know how to ask this without it sounding bad, but that is not my intention at all; have you ever talked to a counselor before?”
He is lucky that I had been considering it all on my own the last couple of weeks because no matter how someone asks that, it always feels like they think you can’t handle your own life. I guess the reality at this point is, I wasn’t doing a very good job of dealing with my own life. “I haven’t. My grandma tried to make us all go, she even had a counselor come to the house once. Curtis pretty much told the guy to go fuck himself. I probably would have been ready to talk to one last year, if my life wasn’t already stretched to the breaking point. I just thought by now I should be over it, you know.”
“Oh Honey, you will never, ever be over it. You have experienced more loss than anyone should in their whole life time and you are only 18 years old. And Babe, the type of loss you have dealt with is beyond what most people ever have to and you should never, ever feel bad for seeking help for any of it. If I tell you that my mom still sees her counselor 2 or 3 times a year will you believe me when I say you have nothing to be ashamed of. If I was there I would help you find someone good, I would even go with you. Are you really considering it?”
“At this point, I know I have to do something. I’ll see what the school has to offer, if it’s not what I need then they can probably refer me. I should probably talk to my brothers too. I am sure it doesn’t help that Curtis and I haven’t been running in over a week.” Suddenly exhaustion hit me out of nowhere.
“Do you feel any better getting it all out in the open?” His words, his tone of voice showed me more acceptance than I have gotten from anyone since my mom was alive.
“Yes. Better than I have felt in ages. Thank you, Calvin. I know the last two days haven’t been easy for you either, I’m sorry I walked away from you. I wish we could have a do-over. I would have told you before what my hopes were.”
He was silent for a long time before he finally spoke up, “You will never know the regret I feel, knowing that I didn’t make your first time special. I want to tell you something that once again might make me sound like I am being an asshole and that isn’t my intention okay?”
“Okay Cal, you can tell me.” I knew I probably wasn’t going to like what he had to say, but he’d already given me more tonight than I expected. In my mind, I had already forgiven him for being an idiot.
“Sierra, I know I fucked up, but I also know I care enough about you that I am willing to do whatever I need to fix the fuck up. I have been trying to think of all the ways I can show you that I want this to work with us. I need you to know I have never considered going away to college, it’s never been on my radar as something I wanted to do. Prior to our conversation tonight I was thinking about transferring just so I could be by you. Before you, I never, for one second, considered giving up my life, my job, my friends for anything; now I would honestly walk away from everything if that was the only way we could be together. Please don’t freak out but when I passed out, I had the most vivid dream of us on the beach with a bunch of kids. They were being all crazy; screaming and fighting but all I saw was you. You were the only thing that mattered. Babe, it’s you.”
I couldn’t let him suffer anymore. “Cal, I forgive you. I know you didn’t do those things, kissing my forehead and passing out, to intentionally hurt my feelings. I am also fairly certain it won’t be the last time you hurt my feelings. After all, you are a guy. One more confession then I really need to get some sleep if I have any interest in attending class tomorrow. I know it is crazy fast, but I love you too.”
“Sierra, there are no words I can use to express my gratitude. I love you more than I ever knew was possible, it’s crazy. I’ll call you in the morning. What time do you need to get up?”
And just like that, he became my morning alarm.
True to my word, I checked in with my guidance counselor the next day after class. I was lucky that I had the same counselor as Curtis, which meant this guy at least had a little knowledge of my life history. I still hadn’t had to tell the whole story to anyone, Steve took care of telling Calvin for the sake of wanting to date Hannah. The counselor helped me drop my hardest class, told me I didn’t need to be taking that many credits to still be considered a full-time student. He had me call the health clinic from his office to set up an appointment to find out what my options were in terms of counseling or possibly anti-depressants.
He really did an amazing job of making me feel like I wasn’t a failure to be where I was. He wasn’t bothered by my tears and didn’t try to get me to stop crying; which I discovered always made me cry more. It took us, my brothers and me, a while to figure out that it was best to just let me cry it out. Clearly, this must have been part of his training. Once I got myself together a little, he offered me a few words of wisdom that I am sure I will remember forever. “You know what a woman gets when she gives birth naturally? The exact same thing that a woman does that gets drugs. They both get a baby, neither one of them get a gold star. If the doctor recommends that you take something, don’t allow yourself to feel bad about it. Do you know that the amount of pride your brothers will have when you graduate will be the exact same in 5 or 6 years as it would be in 3 or 4 years? Only you are setting the standards for yourself and only you can adjust what is acceptable. Do you think in 20 years you will even remember what your GPA was in college? Is your GPA going open the doors for you to be what you want to be? Sierra if not, you need to let go and stop stressing yourself out. I look forward to hearing from you after your appointment. Would you be willing to stop by and let me know how it goes?”
I agreed without a second thought. I was overcome with the reality that there are things I can change that will make my life so much better. I may never end up loving school, but I don’t need to be this miserable.
I called Curtis first. He was usually the more laid back of my brothers. I also knew he would probably want to talk about everything that happened over the weekend. If I had to guess, he explored more this weekend than he ever has, and if my guess was right, I needed him to know I love him for him not for who he loves. I had never thought about his sexuality, I just assumed he was straight. After watching his interactions with Will, I would put a lot of money on the notion that he could be bi-sexual. Or that he is exploring the idea of being bi-sexual.
He answered on the second ring, “Hi Sis.”
“Hey. Any chance you want to go running with me? Actually Curtis, I need more than just a running partner right now. Any chance you want to take me out to dinner or something.” I spent all last year hiding how bad things were. It is the one thing I have been trying to work on; asking for what I need. I can’t expect my brothers, or Calvin for that matter, to know what I need. Sometimes I wish they would just know but I have to stop faulting them for that not happening. I know he could hear the struggle in my voice as I asked him for what I wanted.
“Yeah, I can do that. Where are you now? I am just walking into my room to drop my books. I’m hungry so let’s go eat and if you still feel like running afterward, we can.” We made plans for him to just pick me up back at my dorm. I sent Hannah and Steve messages so they would know what I was doing.
Curti
s took me to the new Chinese restaurant across town. I still didn’t know anyone so it wasn’t like I had to worry about running into anyone. If Curtis knew anyone there, he didn’t bother acknowledging them. Once we placed our order, he didn’t waste any time getting down to what was bothering me.
“What’s going on? This isn’t like you. I know you like hanging out with me because I’m the cool brother, but this is different.” I knew he was trying to make light of the situation but it wasn’t going to work.
“I am struggling, bad. I am so overwhelmed, I just want to give up on everything. I hate school. Most days I just want to say ‘fuck it’ and go home. Only now, we don’t have a home. I feel stuck. I feel like a failure. Speaking of which, I am probably going to fail a couple of my classes. I talked to the guidance counselor today and dropped one of my classes. He had me make an appointment to see a doctor. He thinks I could benefit from counseling and possibly some anti-depressants. Most of the time I think I just want to quit school, but then I hear Grandpa telling you and Steve that you don’t have a choice, you have to go. Which means he would want me to do the same thing. It would let everyone down if I quit. I spent all last year wishing I was with you and Steve; now that I am, it’s not at all what I want.” I took a cleansing breath, surprised I got that much out with only a few tears.
He took my hand from across the table before he spoke. “Sierra honey, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Nobody, not Grandpa, not Steve, not me would want you to be this unhappy with what you are doing. Grandpa forced us to go to college because he knew if we had a choice, we would have stayed home just to be by you. He didn’t want us to give up on our future because of our need to protect you. But Honey, we didn’t know at that time there was money left for us. If we knew then that we had the money, we would have done things differently. I would have never let you suffer through last year alone. I know we all balked at Grandma when she brought in the counselor, but Sis, at this point, if we found a good one I would go. I have spent all my time working through my anger and depression in the gym. I know you have used running much the same way. It’s a great option, but not when you are running yourself into the ground just to find a minute of peace.”
Listening to him be so supportive and understanding causes the flood gates to open. Knowing that he wasn’t judging me for wanting to quit school or for seeing a counselor was huge. That feeling led to me telling him about Cal. I am not sure what I was thinking when I blurted, “I slept with Cal last weekend.”
The surprisingly supportive brother disappeared instantly. “What the fuck did you just say? Did you just tell me that you slept with Cal? As in Hannah’s older brother Calvin? Where the fuck was Steve when this happened? Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have left to go with Callie and Will.” He continued to mumble to himself as I just sat there, shocked that I confessed because I knew despite generally liking Cal, Curtis was not going to take the news very well.
“I am an adult. It’s my body and I get to choose who I share it with.” It sounded good in my head.
“Sierra, I am so pissed right now. How about you not tell me about sharing your body with guys okay? I am holding it together by a thread because we are in fucking public. What the fuck were you thinking? Seriously, I am dying to know what you think happens now?” My tears didn’t stop and now they were accompanied with anger.
“First of all, don’t yell at me. I am trying to do the best I can. I told you because you’re my best friend. I don’t fucking have a twin sister to talk to, I don’t have any sisters to talk to. I have two brothers who I love, but who have unrealistic expectations of me staying a virgin for the rest of my life. I told you because I am scared. I told you because I don’t know what to do now. He says all the right things. He says he loves me, he says he wants to do anything he can to make a relationship work with me. I am not naive, I know he has been with plenty of others before me. Hannah doesn’t stop talking about how he is different with me. I don’t think she is a liar so I can’t help but believe what she tells me.” I paused to make eye contact with him before I continued telling him, “I am sorry if I disappointed you. Lately I feel like that is all I am doing, disappointing people.”
“Fuck Sierra. Don’t talk like that. I am sorry. I hate knowing that I wasn’t there to protect you. I hate knowing that you put yourself out there like that without knowing for sure”
I had to stop him. “For sure what Curtis? That he isn’t like Cody? I may not know for sure how my relationship is going to turn out, but I know for sure that Cal would never lay a hand on me. I refuse to live my life constantly sheltered because of fear. I know you and Steve want to protect me, I understand why. I lost Sophia too. I lost Mom and Dad too. But Curtis, you cannot give up on living your own life simply to protect me. I don’t want you to sacrifice you because of me.”
We both sat in silence for a few minutes. Each lost in our own thoughts. You could feel the uncertainty between us. I was the first to break, “I don’t need you to fix anything for me. I just need your emotional support. And Curtis, I am here to give you the same. I may not tell you often enough but, I love you.”
“Thank you, Sierra. I will try not to stick my nose in your business, but I will tell you this. If he messes with you, I will not hold back. I’m serious, I don’t give a fuck if Steve is with Hannah. You are more important to me than the McMann family.” He tried to end the conversation there but I wasn’t letting him off the hook that easily.
“What’s the deal with Callie and Will? Are you going to see them again?” I watched as his body tensed as I said their names.
He took a deep breath before answering me, “I don’t know Sierra. It’s weird. I don’t know that I want to talk about it.”
“With me or at all?”
“Um. Both. I don’t know. It’s weird. The connection I felt with them isn’t something I can even explain with words. I don’t know if there is a real relationship there or not. I guess that makes my situation not a lot different than yours.” He looked at me with apprehension.
“Curtis, unlike you. I don’t mind hearing about you sharing your body. Okay, that sounds creepy. What I am trying to say is, I don’t care if you like them both. The only thing I care about is your happiness. If being in a three-way relationship makes you happy, go for it. Don’t look at me like that. Seriously Curtis. A lion never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep. You know that.” He is still giving me a look like he thinks I am crazy.
“Sierra, first of all, we aren’t talking about my sexual activities. Period. I don’t know what is going to happen with the relationship. I will say, it is hard because they already live together and I am here. Just like you, I don’t know if it is something worth exploring. Lion or not, I do worry about what you and Steve think. So, that being said, thank you for letting me know your opinion.” For the first time all night, he smiles a true Curtis smile. “I love you. It is my job as your brother to worry about you. I am glad you are going to go to the doctor. If you want me to come, I will. If you need anything, you know I will drop everything to be there, right?”
“We’ll figure it out somehow. If all else fails, we could just go back to Florida for vacation.” I laughed because, despite enjoying our vacation, the three of us were so ready to leave.
I left her a message on my way home from work. I thought for sure she would be in her room studying. When she didn’t answer, I left her a message and decided to head to the gym. After an hour of working with the weights, I saw that she hadn’t called back; not even a text message. So I sent her a quick message before jumping on the treadmill for cardio.
Me: Just checking in. How are you doing?
After a half hour of cardio, there was still no message. I tried calling her again before jumping into the shower. Thankfully, I had a change of clothes so I didn’t have to put my suit back on nor did I have to wear sweaty gym clothes.
As I walked out of the gym, I gave up and called my sister. I attempted to play it off as check
ing on her, but she was at the library and couldn’t really talk. Before she hung up on me, I asked her if she knew where Sierra was. She said she didn’t because she hadn’t been back to her dorm.
I sat in the gym parking lot, debating with myself. The fact that I couldn’t get a hold of her was making me crazy. I don’t want to be the crazy stalker boyfriend who freaks out if I don’t talk to her. On the other hand, what if something awful happened to her and I didn’t go to her; I didn’t look for her. With that thought, my decision was made. I called my dad to let him know I was hitting the road and that I would either be late to work tomorrow or not there at all.
I did a quick stop for gas, food, and caffeine before heading out to find my girl. I left her one more message telling her to call me as soon as possible, it didn’t matter how late it was. I turned the music up and rolled the windows down for the fresh air. About 2 hours into the drive I called her again.
I held my breath as the phone rang. It wasn’t that late, but late enough that she really should be in her room. She answered on the third ring. “Hi Cal.”
My first instinct was to be relieved that she was okay and that she answered the phone. My second instinct was to freak the fuck out that she hadn’t answered earlier or at least called or sent me a text. The freak out instinct turned to being hurt that she didn’t care enough to respond to me. She brought me out of my thoughts when she asked, “Hello? Cal, can you hear me? Hello?”
“Yeah, I am here. I can hear you. What are you doing?” I am sure my flat tone of voice let her know my current mood.
