by Stone, Holly
“What’s been going on?” Lee said. “I haven’t seen you for ages. You don’t call or come around anymore. I’m feeling neglected.”
“Caroline not keeping you busy enough these days?” I said, cocking an eyebrow. It was the first time I’d seen Lee without his girlfriend draped all over him in months.
Lee just shrugged. “She doesn’t own me.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“Nah. It’s all good. A bird is one thing, mates are another, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said, feeling a bit fucking overwhelmed. It might not sound like much but that was poetry for Lee.
“So what’s been going on? What are you doing here during the day?” he asked.
“I’ve had to take on a few more shifts.”
“How come? Your mum not feeding you anymore?”
I really didn’t want to get into this conversation with Lee right now, not in the middle of the shop floor, but I didn’t want to lie to him either.
“I’ve moved out. Got a room over on Alperton Rise.”
“What? When did that happen?”
“A few days ago.”
“Shit. You’ve moved up in the world a bit, mate!”
“The location’s nice but the place is pretty basic.”
“That’s good though. Good to be out from under your mum’s feet.”
I knew that was Lee’s way of saying I was best out of the way of my mum’s latest tragic life choice. He would never say it though. If friends topped girls in Lee’s world, family topped it all. The Warner’s were thick as thieves. I’d always been jealous of that.
“Yeah. It is. Have you spoken to Cheng?” I said, glancing from side to side, checking that no senior management were about to catch me shirking my responsibilities. The aisle was empty.
“A couple of days ago. He was going on about some bird who lives down the hall with massive tits.”
“He told me about her too,” I laughed. “That guy cracks me up!”
“Yeah. Still the same Cheng. You fancy getting a beer this week?”
“Yeah. After footy practice?”
“Sweet. Look, I’ve gotta go. The family are waiting for refreshments.”
“Alright. I’ll see ya.”
“Not if I see you first,” Lee laughed and swaggered off towards the tills. I shook my head, and laughed. With everything that had happened over the past week I’d slipped out of my own reality, but seeing Lee reminded me that I had good people in my life, people who had known me so long I couldn’t remember a time without them.
I continued laying out the frozen food on my trolley into the chest freezers and when I was done, pushed the empty boxes towards the warehouse.
“You’re on a break, Harlow,” my supervisor called from the warehouse.
“Okay, thanks,” I shouted back and headed for the staff room, reaching for my phone to check my messages and see if Amy had responded. I’d been careful not to ask her too much, just for her to let me know she was okay. I wanted to know more but it didn’t feel like it was my place to ask and I didn’t want to be another person hounding her. She had enough of those already.
There was one missed call from Cheng that I would have to return later and I was relieved to find a message from Amy. My heart skipped as I opened it, although what I was hoping she would say I wasn’t sure. Staying in North Riding would be difficult for her but leaving would mean I might not see her again. I couldn’t imagine going into The Chubby Friar and not seeing her pretty face and those soulful eyes of hers. I didn’t want to think that what we had done was a one-off but I couldn’t see how it could be anything else. Her message was short and sweet.
AMY: I’m okay. Stayed in Lowstrand last night but I’m on the road again now. Just need to get away. Sorry I left without saying goodbye. I know it was shitty and I hope you won’t hold it against me. We had an eventful week, didn’t we? It was all kinds of messed up and magic. I won’t forget. x
As I sat in the canteen with a cup of shitty coffee and a bagel, I read and reread Amy’s message, contemplating a reply. In the end I admitted to myself that she didn’t want one and that hurt more than I wanted to accept. Imagining her on the road to an unknown destination in her tiny car, feeling as angry and helpless as she was the day before, had me worried. Did she have money? Did she have somewhere to stay? I knew she was a clever girl and could look after herself but I knew from experience that the world has more scumbags than heroes and I didn’t want to think of the potential dangers she could face. If I was honest she had gotten under my skin without me realising. I would never have let her there if things hadn’t been so messed up. My life was filled with enough drama. I didn’t need anyone else’s. But if felt good to have been what she needed, even for just a little while.
When I finally let go of my phone I looked up and straight into the eyes of one of my mum’s mates. Eileen was a busybody. She had looked the same since I’d known her; short bleach-blonde hair in a tight perm, fat face, fat arms, fat arse and legs like tree trunks. She had a big mouth too and it curved into a smile when she caught me looking.
“You alright, Jack?” she called in a voice that was louder than necessary.
I nodded, not wanting to get drawn into conversation, and took a sip of coffee to busy myself.
“Saw your mum up the bingo last night. She was worried sick about you. You should call her, put her mind at rest.”
I narrowed my eyes at her, and caught a few of my colleagues turning to see what was going on.
“It’s none of your business, Eileen,” I said in a voice I hoped was firm enough to get the message across. She wasn’t a woman to be told anything though.
“You kids, you think you grew yourselves! You don’t care about all the effort we put in to you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” I said, standing up and grabbing my lunch from the table, thinking I could head outside and eat on one of the benches. At least I would be away from Eileen and her interfering.
“Your mum loves you, Jack,” Eileen called to my back. I didn’t respond.
The supermarket was busy as I crossed towards the tills, eating my bagel as I went. It was cold and tough as cardboard, but I wasn’t going to waste it. As I was passing through the exit I heard a woman’s voice calling my name. Amy’s friend Jess dashed towards me, her high heels clicking on the tiled floor, coat flapping open to reveal a bright red low cut top and skinny jeans. Her expression was worried, nothing like the flippant, flirty girl from a few days ago.
“Hey,” I said, carrying on through the door. My loyalties were with Amy and I wanted to make that clear. I stopped and leaned against the wall, under the supermarket awning.
“Do you know where Amy is?” Jess blurted out. “I’ve tried to call her but she isn’t answering. No one has heard from her. Her dad is beside himself.”
I must have rolled my eyes at that because Jess stopped and narrowed hers at me.
“You know, don’t you? I thought you were a long shot, but maybe not.” She laughed and looked momentarily at the sky. “So where is she?”
“I don’t know. And if I did I wouldn’t tell you.”
“But you know she’s okay? At least give me that so I can tell her dad. He’s worried sick.”
All I could think was that her dad didn’t deserve to know shit, but then confirming Amy’s well-being didn’t reveal anything about where she was or what she was doing.
“She messaged me this morning. She’s okay.”
Jess looked relieved and reached for her phone, tapping out a message and I took another sip of my now tepid coffee, watching her fake fingernails get in the way of her smartphone usage. I never understood the appeal of talons like that; they looked impractical most of the time, bordering on terrifying sometimes. When Jess was done, she looked up and smirked at me.
“So, you and Amy, huh? She’s a dark horse.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh yes, you do! Don�
�t give me the choir boy act. I bet she came running to you last night, didn’t she? And not because you’ve developed such a deep and meaningful friendship. Trust me. I might not know much but I know what goes on between men and women.”
I didn’t confirm or deny anything. What had gone on between me and Amy was private.
“Shit, you’re just a boy,” Jess said shaking her head.
I raised my eyebrows and stood to my full height, dwarfing her.
Jess laughed and shook her head. “A very big boy.” I couldn’t help being pissed off at her nerve, mocking Amy after all that had happened. I had held it down with Eileen but I didn’t have an audience out here.
“I forgot you like them older, don’t you, Jess. Like, three decades older.” My comment didn’t seem to affect her and I wondered what had happened in her life to make such a young, vibrant girl so brassy.
“I like ‘em in all shapes and sizes, Jack. I might even have liked you if Amy hadn’t gotten there first.”
I shook my head and chucked my now empty coffee cup and paper bag into the bin, disgusted at the way Jess was behaving under the circumstances. I was angry too. Angry that something this stupid woman had done had made Amy leave her home. Jess needed a wake-up call for her own good but I hoped that trying to get her to see what she had done might ease any kind of reconciliation in the future.
“Amy’s really hurting and you did that. So don’t stand here talking to me like a slut. You need to wake up to yourself and sort your shit out before you lose more than just your self-respect.” I turned and walked back into the store without waiting to see the look on Jess’s face or giving her time to reply.
Chapter 11
AMY
I made my way to Manchester. Not because I’d any kind of grand plan, but because my aunt lived on the outskirts of the city. I’d visited a few times when I was a teenager but we had never been close. Turning up on her doorstep and unloading my problems on her wasn’t something I was comfortable doing. Yet I did what I seemed to do best and that was gravitate to a place I was familiar with. Manchester was the only city I’d spent any time in, which should have given me some confidence, but now, driving around the city-centre I felt lost and totally overwhelmed. I had been busy on my phone at every motorway services I stopped at on the way, searching for somewhere I could lay low for a while, and had found a hostel that had vacancies. I’d never done the gap year backpacking thing so it felt a bit weird to be stepping into that scene in my own country. Then again, I had no idea what the next few weeks were going to bring so I didn’t want to waste more money than I had to.
The hostel website had referenced a cheap car park so I followed my Sat Nav there and then lugged my suitcase down the road to where I would be staying. The building looked exactly as the photos I’d seen with a bright red frontage, and inside, colourful murals and mustard leather sofas. There was a section with a few computers and a coffee area next to reception. As I headed to sort out my room I was passed by people speaking at least three different languages; it was way more cosmopolitan that I was used to. I loved it. Suddenly I felt less like a runaway and more like I was embarking on an adventure.
The guy behind the counter looked like a young Jamie Dornan and when he grinned at me I was momentarily lost for words. He had dimples and eyes that were like liquid metal, tattoos in full sleeves and those black ear lobe stretchers.
“You have a reservation?” he asked in a north-east accent, cocking his head to the side as if he was studying me. I wondered what he saw; traveller, visitor, girl on the run.
“I do. Amy Mayes. M-A-Y-E-S. I booked for a week.”
He typed in my details and scanned through the information in front of him. “Okay, found you, Amy.” He turned, grabbed a key card, put it into the machine and then slipped it over the counter. His name badge said he was James. I had dated a James. His good looks had been ruined by his tendency to lie. The name would always be tainted for me.
“So, head to the lifts. You’re on the third floor. If you need anything, there is someone on reception twenty-four hours. Enjoy your stay.”
I took my key card and headed in the direction of the lifts. In the comfort of my room – comfort was a bit of an overstatement for a four berth dorm with basic bunks, hanging rails and lockers – I perched on the only vacant bed and took a deep breath. It smelt of cheap fragrance, like antiperspirant, and slightly musty like old shoes. There were trainers and boots under beds and pyjamas poking from under pillows. I wondered what the other girls were like and where they were; working, maybe, or sightseeing. When I checked my phone I found voicemail messages from my dad but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t take feeling any more angry than I did and I had no doubt that his tone would set me off. Dan had messaged for me to at least let her know I was safe. I typed a quick reply, saying I was okay and wouldn’t be back for a while, and encouraged her not to worry. Empty words. Bobby had called too, and it twisted my guts to think of our last conversation and the way she had lied to me. Maybe lied was too strong, but what she had done – avoided telling me what she knew – felt just as disloyal.
There was also a message from Jack and seeing it made me smile despite everything. I hadn’t expected him to get back to me. My last communication with him had been designed to let him off the hook if that’s what he had wanted. Where we had crossed each other’s paths last week, we now seemed to be on different trajectories and I wasn’t sure where he fit into my life. His message was sweet though, reminding me of how amazing it had felt to be with him.
JACK: Messed up and magic. I like that. Promise you’ll let me know where you’re staying. I won’t tell anyone. It’ll just make me sleep better at night knowing someone knows. I hope you find what you’re looking for, Amy. Keep safe and I’m here if you need me. J x
I swallowed down a lump in my throat. I did need him but it felt weak to admit it to myself. Here I was trying to branch out on my own – finally – and I was finding a reason to be back in North Riding. Exasperated with myself, I decided to head into town for a look around. I didn’t really have an agenda outside familiarising myself with the local area and getting a bite to eat. After securing my possessions and asking the ever so helpful James for directions, I followed the main road up to the city centre. Or at least, I intended to, but halfway I found a gorgeous tearoom decked out in retro shabby chic decor, with an amazing display of cakes in the window that I couldn’t resist. The bell rang over the door as I entered, and they were playing mellow Jazz music over the buzz of customer chatter. It was as close to heaven as I could get. The woman behind the counter must have been around forty but it was hard to tell, dressed as she was in 1950s style, her red hair waved and pinned close to her head, red lipstick and flared dress behind a pretty white lacy apron. I made my way between the closely packed tables, taking in the vintage mismatched china, dainty sandwiches and pots of tea. It was the stands of mini cupcakes in rainbow shades that really caught my eye. It was as if the owners had looked inside my head and mapped out my exact dream business. Well, except for the rockabilly fashion. That hadn’t crossed my mind before, but it worked.
There was a small round table for two towards the counter so I took a seat and scanned over the menu. The waitress passed, delivering a tray of tea and scones to a couple by the window and I waved to show her I was ready to order.
“What can I get for you?” she asked, smiling. “We have a special cupcake today, orange chocolate with a Terry’s chocolate orange slice on top. It’s delicious.”
“I’ll have one of those then, please, and a ham and cheese toastie, and a pot of tea.”
The waitress looked at me curiously for a second. “You’re not from round here. Your accent…where are you from?”
“North Riding. Do you know it?”
She nodded. “Yeah, that’s so weird. My brother lived there for a while. What a small world.”
I shook my head at the strange coincidence that I’d stumbled into a link back to my small town.
“Does he go back?” I asked, wondering if I might know him.
“No.” Her expression was sad and I decided not to probe.
“I’m sure it hasn’t changed much.”
She smiled and turned to sort out my order and I got up to get a local newspaper from a rack on the wall, so that I could scan the job section at the back. When the waitress returned with my order, I started to fold the newspaper away. She must have seen what I was looking at because she asked if I was job hunting. When I told her I was, she asked if I had experience in catering and customer service because she was looking for someone to cover afternoons.
Sometimes, when you are stumbling through the darkest of times, someone can come along with a candle and light a path. That’s what it felt like when I told her about my experience in managing The Chubby Friar and she asked if I would come the next day and try out for the morning. I couldn’t have been happier. The cupcake was the best I’d tasted and I knew that, despite the circumstances that had pushed me to finding a tiny tearoom in Manchester, I was damn lucky to be there.
When I’d finished my refreshments I spent a bit of time walking around the town centre. I bought some things to keep at the hostel: bottled water, muesli bars, croissants and fruit, then headed back.
The room was still empty when I returned so I took the opportunity to take a shower and settle in for the night. Lying on my bunk bed, I pulled out my phone and went back to the last text Jack had sent me. I started to reply but deleted my words and rested the phone on my tummy. The mattress above me was part visible through the network of metal springs and strips that kept it firmly suspended. I thought about Jack’s room, his thin bed made of pallets, the Spartan surroundings he was now calling home. I thought about how warm I’d felt in his bed, tucked up tightly against his body, solid and safe. Messaging him wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to hear his voice.
I counted only one ring before he picked up, voice husky like I’d woken him.
