Messed Up and Magic: (A New Adult Romance Novel)

by Stone, Holly

  “Amy,” he gasped into my hair, obviously feeling the first pulses of my pussy as I came. I held onto him tightly, fingers pressed into his biceps as he took over thrusting until his cock swelled and he seized with his own pleasure. We fell backwards onto his mattress, breathing like marathon runners, sweaty and replete with sensation.

  Jack kissed trails across my eyelids and cheeks, pulled me close until I was snuggled under his arm, against his chest and wrapped tightly in his legs.

  “I missed you,” he said, and I swallowed hard, pushing down a ball of emotion that threatened to make me cry.

  “I missed you,” I whispered, kissing his neck.

  Jack was quiet for a while and I left him to his thoughts. I wondered if he would ever be willing to share the stories from his past. Some memories are just too hard to bring to the surface. Like barbs, they tear through everything you thought had healed and leave a bloody raw mess in their wake. I had enough of them myself to know what it was to push things down deep and never want to resurrect them, and had no expectation for him to do what I was unwilling to.

  “Jamie,” Jack said in the end. “That’s his name?

  “Yes.”

  “And he’s okay, he’s happy?”

  “Seems that way.”

  “And my aunt?”

  “She’s the best. She wants to meet you.”

  Jack was quiet again and then he kissed my temple. “Okay, I’ll see if I can get someone to cover my shift tomorrow. Can you drive me?”

  “Course,” I said. “It’s why I came back.”

  “I’m glad you came back,” he said. I was glad too.

  Chapter 16

  JACK

  The journey to Manchester was weird. I was spacey and lost in my own thoughts, dark, sad memories tangling with the anticipation of what was about to come to pass. Amy was quiet too, face pensive as though she was worrying about how everything was affecting me.

  Her Sat Nav took us into a residential area and then to a small cul-de-sac with 1960s houses placed around a small green area. It was nice. Quaint. Suburban.

  Amy pulled the car into a space and then turned off the ignition. “Are you okay to do this?” she asked, and I shrugged.

  “Not really but it’s not like I’ve got a choice. My brother’s in there and I haven’t seen him for fourteen years.”

  “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  “Yes. If that’s okay. You know them a bit at least. They’re strangers to me.”

  Amy smiled weakly. “It’s going to be fine, you know. They’re good people. This is going to be good for you.”

  “I hope so,” I said, reaching to open the door.

  AMY

  I could hear Jack talking to Jamie in the kitchen, the deep murmur of their voices. It was uncanny how alike they were, even though they’d spent next to no time together. Lisa spent about an hour in there with them while I sat and watched TV. Her home was stunning, with decoration totally in keeping with the era it was built. The Danish style teak furniture was offset with mustards and greens, eclectic posters and art clustered in groups on the walls and beautiful wooden floors. Her bookshelves were packed with music, DVDs and books. It was a home of someone with interests, a warm and inviting space. I hoped Jack felt as comfortable as I did. Lisa had done her best to welcome him, pulling him into a quick embrace to show how happy she was that he was finally with them. Jamie had hung back in the hallway, looking wary. I wondered what it must be like to find out you have a sibling you know nothing about, especially when they look so much like you. Disorientating, I thought, and hopefully amazing.

  After another half hour, Jack came through the door to the lounge and stood with his hands in his pockets.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said. “You okay to go now?”

  “Course.”

  Lisa came in behind him. “It’s been so nice to meet you, Jack. You make sure you keep in touch. You’re always welcome here and Jamie will expect you to visit.”

  “Thanks,” Jack said and pulled her into a hug. When Lisa patted his back and swiped at her eyes I had to look away.

  I stood to follow Jack out down the hallway. Jamie stepped forward and they hugged like men, a quick embrace with hard pat on the back that looked almost painful. They were like twins separated by time and space, a lifetime apart but so close in appearance. They shared a look that said it all and then Jack patted Jamie affectionately on the side of the face.

  “See ya soon, bro.” Jack said. Jamie laughed and the tension was broken.

  When we were in the car Jack took my hand and kissed it. I drove us back to my hostel so I could pick up some things, then we went to a hotel on the outskirts of Manchester that was cheap and clean.

  It felt weird to be checking in together. I had an urge to tell the receptionist that we were called Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but didn’t. I wasn’t sure Jack was in the mood for humour. He’d been so quiet since we left his aunt’s and I was waiting for him to open up about how he felt. In the room, we put our things down and he switched on the TV before he flopped on the bed. I pottered, making us a cup of tea, and then settled down next to him. It all felt very domesticated.

  It wasn’t until he had finished his tea that he turned to me and told me what happened on the day his brother had been taken away. His aunt had filled in the parts of the story he wasn’t sure about. It was his father who had been the one to take Jamie. Jack hadn’t remembered his dad, probably because he had been away on and off. It seemed that his mother and father had a tumultuous relationship, always fighting then making up, leaving and then returning for another go-round. His dad had practically been a nomad, travelling between friends’ houses, never staying anywhere very long. Lisa said he had been homeless at times when his drug use had gotten out of control. Jack’s dad had taken Jamie away because his mum hadn’t been able to cope. Lisa had been given parental responsibility for Jamie when he was a baby; she’d never been able to have her own kids so it had been a blessing for her. What neither of us could understand was why Jack’s dad hadn’t told anyone about Jack. I thought maybe he’d loved Tina enough that he hadn’t wanted to take everything from her. Maybe Jack had been clinging to Tina and his dad had worried it would be too traumatic to take a child of that age away from his mother. Maybe his dad never told Lisa because he knew she wouldn’t be able to leave the situation alone. All I knew was that Jack was hurting and I wanted to make it better.

  “Jamie’s a cool kid isn’t he?” I said, trying to find the silver lining in the massive cloud hanging over us.

  “Yeah. He’s great. A cocky little shit, but great.”

  “So, you’ll be coming up here to see him again.”

  “I guess.”

  “You don’t sound sure?”

  “It’s just, you know, with work and money how it is…”

  “What’s keeping you in North Riding, Jack?”

  He looked surprised at the question and didn’t answer immediately. It was as though he hadn’t really ever thought about leaving and now I’d thrust it at him as an option he didn’t know what to do with the idea.

  “I don’t know…it’s home, isn’t it? My mates are there…”

  “Yeah, but your best mate is here, your brother is here. You have family here who want to get to know you. You could make the move, Jack. See if you can get a job too and get out of that place before it sucks the life out of you.”

  Jack looked at the ceiling, resting one hand on his stomach and the other behind his head. His black t-shirt had rucked up, revealing the muscles of his abs and the soft trail that led from his navel. His hair was messy where his fingers had worried at it. Everything about him made me want to reach out and touch, to hold him close to me and not let him go.

  “And I’m here,” I said quietly, needing him to know that what was between us could be more than what we had let it be.

  “You are, and everything you said is true, but my mum’s back there with
that lazy, violent fucker and I can’t just leave knowing she might not be okay.”

  “You can’t spend the rest of your life just waiting around for the worst to happen to her. That’s no way to live.”

  “I’m all she has, Amy. She might have been a sorry excuse for a mother but I can’t leave her without it eating at my conscience. That’s not who I am. I’m not my father.”

  “No, you’re not.” I turned so I was lying on my side then used my hand to stroke over his hair. I knew he liked it when I did that because his eyelids would droop and his breathing would slow. “You’re a good person, Jack. One of the best.”

  He turned to look at me, his eyes full of emotion. “But I’m still not good enough for you.”

  “What?” I was incredulous. “If anything you are too good. Look at what I’ve done…fucked off at the first sign of trouble and left my dad who’s done everything for me. You’re the one who wants to stick it out and look after your mum. I’m the selfish one.” As I said it, I felt the first pangs of regret for how I’d behaved. Yes, my dad had betrayed my trust, but it was once and I’d weighed that against years of his care.

  Jack turned and faced me on the pillow with his beautiful, haunted eyes fixed on mine. He ran his thumb over my cheekbone and then across my lips.

  “None of us is perfect Amy. All we can do is try our best to do things in a way that we can live with. You didn’t leave North Riding because of what your dad did with Jess. It was because he’s been expecting you to live your life doing something you don’t love and you’ve been letting him for too long. The Jess thing was just the final straw. I feel better now I’m out from under the same roof as my mum but I can’t just walk away now. As much as I might like the idea of being somewhere else, for now it’s enough to have my own space and some control in my life.”

  I nodded, thinking through what he had said, wondering how he saw so much. “And Amy, I want you to think about what you want too. Running away from everything is a temporary fix, but the problems are still there. Maybe you should come back home too, now the dust has settled, and find a way to put it all to rest. It’ll be better for you in the long run.”

  “I don’t think I can,” I whispered.

  “You can,” he replied gently. “And I’ll be with you if that’s what you need.”

  My heart hurt from the sweetness of his words, and ached because I knew I was falling for him but that he was holding himself back and trying not to make promises he couldn’t keep. Even when you know doing something is going to hurt you in the long run, it’s hard to stop yourself if you want it enough. And I wanted Jack, even if things weren’t ever going to be more than this. I moved in to kiss his lips so I could try to convey what he meant to me, even as I knew in my heart that things were never as simple as he believed them to be.

  We spent that night together, the bed an island of feeling and emotion that couldn’t be washed away by the reality of life outside our hotel room. When Jack moved inside me it felt different. Neither of us was trying to forget our truths, instead we were seeking them in each other. He held me so tightly in his arms, caressed me with his fingers, mouth and words and I told him how much he meant to me with every touch and embrace.

  After, Jack slept and seemed at peace.

  In those moments, as I watched the slow rise and fall of his chest, the flicker of his eyelids, the slight parting of his soft lips, I felt at peace too, and I relished that feeling, knowing deep down how fleeting it would be.

  Chapter 17

  JACK

  I hadn’t believed that Amy would come back with me to North Riding. I’d tried my hardest to get her to understand that running away didn’t solve anything in the long term. It had been a necessary course while she recovered from the shock of finding out about her father – and I’m so glad she’d gone to Manchester when she did, otherwise I might never have found my family there—but Amy needed to go home to work through her issues, if only for some resolution. Even as I urged her to do so, I wasn’t convinced I’d succeeded. Yet when I woke the next morning she was already awake, sitting in a chair at the end of the bed and the first thing she said was, “I’m coming home.”

  The journey back was long and quiet. I knew Amy was imaging what was going to happen when she stepped back into her old life. She was worried about seeing her sister and Bobby again, having snubbed them since she left, and she was dreading seeing her dad and Jess. I knew the next few days were going to be tough but I also knew that attempting to run from your demons is a hopeless strategy. Demons are like ghosts. They find ways to resurrect themselves when you least expect it. What had happened with Jamie in the last couple of days had proved that.

  I’d been worrying all day that we were getting too close. The difficulties we were going through in our own lives were forcing intense emotions to the surface. When we’d had sex, it hadn’t just been about physical release. I’d felt a connection with Amy that I hadn’t felt before, and it scared me. When I looked into her eyes, and felt her touch, it all felt loaded with more than just lust. Except those emotions weren’t real, were they?

  I couldn’t seem to separate out my feelings for Amy from the rest of the drama, and it worried me that we might be stumbling into something built on shaky foundations with the potential to make our lives even more difficult than they already were. I didn’t want to fall for her and find out those feelings weren’t truly reciprocated when her life returned to normal, and I didn’t want to drag her into the mess that was my family situation. But things between men and women are never simple. Rational thinking seems to be easily bypassed by the hearts craving for warmth and passion.

  At my flat we unloaded my overnight bag and Amy’s things that she had collected from the hostel. My aunt Lisa had been sad to lose her, but understood why Amy wouldn’t be able to work at the tearoom anymore. When all our belongings were piled inside the doorway I made us a cup of tea and put the TV on.

  “I can’t face going to see my family tonight,” Amy said, sipping the drink carefully. It was dangerous to want her to stay, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to lie next to her and watch her fall asleep, hear her steady breathing and feel her dream. Even though I knew I was taking a risk, I couldn’t send her away. And anyway, I owed it to her after everything she had done for me.

  “You don’t have to. Stay here and deal with it tomorrow when you’re fresh and prepared.”

  “But you only have a single bed.”

  “It’ll be fine,” I said, thinking about being pressed up against her. She would stay and I would have to try and resist my urges, no matter how difficult it would be.

  As Amy was about to reply, her phone rang – the display showed it was her sister – and this time she chose to take a deep breath and answer it. I listened to as much of the conversation as I could.

  “Dan,” Amy said cautiously.

  “Amy, oh my god, where have you been. Why haven’t you answered my calls?”

  “I’m okay, Dan. I’ve been in Manchester but I’m back in North Riding.”

  “What? Where?”

  “I’m staying with a friend.”

  “What the fuck, Amy? I’ve been so worried about you. How could you just leave like that and not tell me where you were going?”

  Amy sighed, obviously feeling guilty. “I had to get away, Dan. You know what’s been going on. I couldn’t stand to be around it.”

  Dan went quiet. “I know. I know it must be difficult for you, Amy, but it’s not like either of them meant for it to happen. It just did.”

  “Fuck, Dan, you make it sound like they’re Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers or something. They knew what they were doing would hurt me and they did it anyway.”

  “And you knew that not answering my calls would hurt me and you did that too.”

  I took Amy’s free hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.

  “It’s not the same thing, Dan.”

  “Isn’t it? Dad’s been on his own a long time, Amy. And Jess
has been making a mess of her life looking for stability and someone to love her. Is it so wrong that they’ve found each other?”

  “Love,” Amy gasped. “You think that’s what it is?”

  “You haven’t seen them together. You don’t know.”

  “Oh my god.”

  “Look, just come home tomorrow morning. Dad won’t be going into work until later. I’ll tell him to expect you. Just take it from there. “

  “I don’t know. I just…I feel so uncomfortable and hurt and angry. I don’t know how well that kind of reunion is going to go.”

  “And yet you’ve come home knowing you were going to have to face it at some point.”

  Amy was quiet and so was her sister as they digested their first contact with each other.

  “I’ll come,” Amy said eventually. “But if it doesn’t go well, don’t blame me, okay? This is a fucked up situation that I haven’t contributed to at all.”

  “Okay,” Daniella said. “I’ll see you around 11am.”

  When Amy put her phone onto her lap I pulled her towards me for a hug.

  “Round one done and dusted,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “Round two is only going to be tougher but you can do this, babe. You’re strong.”

  “I bet Dan is doing the phone-around. Everybody in North Riding will know I’m back in town before the sun sets!”

  “It’s small town drama, Amy. No big deal.”

  “I hate that everyone is talking about us,” she said, scrunching her nose up with distaste.

  “I know. It’s shitty. I fucking hate it when I know my mum’s mates are gossiping behind my back. People think they know what’s going on but no one really knows anything unless they’re directly involved. It’s all Chinese whispers and stupid speculation.” I stroked Amy’s hair and kissed her temple. “Just forget about it for now.”