by Stone, Holly
Amy smiled wryly. “Are you suggesting I sweep all this crap under the rug until tomorrow? I thought I was supposed to be coming back here to face my demons.”
“You are. But those bastards will still be there in the morning.”
“Yeah, they will.”
We watched TV and chatted, about silly, ordinary things that made me smile. When it was late we got under the covers and said “Goodnight.” She stiffened in my arms momentarily, as though she’d understood that I meant for nothing physical to happen between us. If we had sex again it would only bring us closer. I held her tightly, waiting until she fell asleep. If nothing else, I hoped she’d been able to forget her ghosts for a few more hours, even if I couldn’t forget mine.
Chapter 18
AMY
I did as Daniella asked and drove home, arriving just after 11am. I parked a little down the road so I could compose myself, which was stupid really, seeing as I knew however controlled I was entering that house that I would be exiting a mess.
Jack had gone to work first thing, leaving me with reassuring words, but I could tell he was retreating again. We’d slept side by side but he hadn’t made any move to take things further. I could feel the reluctance in him, as though he wasn’t really sure that starting something more committed with me was a good idea, or maybe he wanted it but didn’t believe he deserved it. He’d said as much and I’d scoffed at him, but I understood what he meant. I felt like I didn’t deserve him either. I was a flighty mess and he was a responsible rock. He needed all my family drama like a hole in the head. He had enough of his own to last him a life time. It didn’t stop me wanting him though, however imperfect things might be.
When I finally made it to the front door my heart was beating so fast I felt light-headed. I knew what my dad was like and couldn’t imagine he would be remorseful about anything. Getting an apology out of him was so rare I couldn’t remember the last time it had happened. And I really felt like I needed him to be sorry for what he had done and how it had affected me. I had my key in my bag but I rang the doorbell, not feeling comfortable enough to let myself in. Dan opened the door and clutched me into a quick hug before closing it behind me. The house was quiet, eerily so, as if they were waiting for me. I hadn’t expected that.
“He’s in the lounge,” Dan whispered, indicating I should go first, but I wanted her to lead the way. I needed her to broker the peace, a role she wasn’t used to filling.
Dad didn’t get up when I entered the room, and I didn’t feel right to sit down, so we stayed in a strange kind of standoff, waiting for the other to make the first move.
“So it’s going to be like this, is it?” Dan said, looking between us.
No one said anything.
“Oh for goodness sakes, this is ridiculous! Dad, Amy’s come ‘round to talk about what’s been going on. You wanted this, so talk, otherwise she’ll go again and you’ll have missed your chance. And Amy…” Dan turned to me and fixed on me with her serious eyes. “You need to be patient and hear dad out. I know you’re angry but you guys need to fix this. You need to try, okay?”
I looked over at my dad and he was watching me. We nodded at the same time, both as stubborn as the other.
“Okay. Now, sit down Amy and I’ll make some tea.” Dan hurried out of the room and I wished I had an excuse to follow her. The atmosphere was icy and my dad still wasn’t talking. I sat on the seat furthest away from him, fiddling with my bag and then folding my hands neatly in my lap.
“So,” he said.
“So,” I replied, not wanting to be forced into being the first one to broach the elephant in the room.
“You left me in the lurch Amy, running off like that. If it hadn’t been for Angie and Jess stepping into the breach I would have had to close the shop.”
“That’s the first thing you want to talk about, is it?” God, I was so furious with him and his stupid businesses. That was all he cared about it seemed, and of course I would be the one who was in the wrong for leaving, not him for being responsible for the reason I left in the first place.
Dad made a ‘humph’ sound and looked towards the door as if he was waiting for Dan to come back and rescue him. I realised he was just as uncomfortable about confronting our issues head on as I was and that surprised me. I’d always thought of him as emotionally stunted, with a level of pig-headed confidence that made him impenetrable. For the first time I saw his uncertainty and it made him so much more human.
He turned to me and ran his hand over his face. "Look... this is awkward for me. As awkward as it is for you. I didn’t go looking for something with your friend. That's not what I'm about. I hope you know that."
I nodded because I didn’t think he was sleazy like some of the other middle aged men in town.
"She came round a few times to the chip shop when it was quiet and we got talking, and then we bumped into each other in the pub and..." He paused as if he was considering how to word the next part. "We had a good time."
"And what, one thing led to another?" I said scathingly.
"I guess it did."
"That's not unusual for Jess." I sounded bitchy and I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t help my anger.
"I know what Jess is like, Amy. I'm not deaf and blind. But she's different now."
I raised my eyebrows and he frowned.
"She's calmer with me. She's been lost for a long time, looking for something and never finding it. I think she's found it with me though. And I've found something with her."
"You're telling me this is serious for you?"
"I am."
"And for her?"
"Yes."
"You sound really sure."
"Because I am, Amy."
"Jess has the sticking power of a wet plaster, Dad. She's like a butterfly that flits between flowers."
"She's been with me and no one else for four months."
"Four months!" I racked my brain, thinking of all the times Jess and I had been out together in that time. I couldn’t recall her pulling anyone during that time. Maybe Dad was right. It was hard for me to believe because I'd been friends with Jess since before we went through puberty and I'd seen just about every epic bad decision she had ever made with men, and there was a lot of those. "And you’re okay with what she's done?"
Dad's expression darkened. "Watch your tongue, Amy."
"Why? She's taken half of the men in his town in one way or another. How can you sit with her down the pub, knowing half your mates have had your girlfriend?"
"That's enough," he hissed, leaning forward in the chair, pointing his finger at me. "Now you listen here missy. Jess might have made a lot of bad decisions but she had a hard time and I won’t have ANYONE judging her. I mean that. You want to come here and throw your opinions around. I won’t have it Amy. She's your friend and I expected better of you than this judgemental attitude."
I sat back in my chair as Dan walked in the door holding a tray of mugs. "Bad time?" she asked warily.
"No," I said, wringing my hands in my lap. "Dad's right. I haven’t been fair to Jess. I've done what everyone else does and thought the worst of her. I've been a bad friend."
"It's just the shock," Dan said, resting the tray on the coffee table. "She's not going to blame you, Amy. You just need to talk to her."
"And say what? I'm sorry that the idea of you and my dad hooking up made me leave town?"
Dan shook her head. "You tell her that you wish she had told you herself so that you had time to adjust to the idea. And then you tell her that you've spoken to Dad and understand a bit more where it's all coming from."
"God, you're not going to marry her are you, Dad?" I said, suddenly horrified at the prospect of one of my best mates becoming my stepmother.
"I don't know, Amy. Maybe, if things keep going the way they are, and if she wants kids, then, yeah, I would."
"Kids!" I gasped and Dan gave dad a withering look.
"Dad! Why'd you have to go and say that? You want
Amy to go running again?"
"Well." He looked at me sheepishly. "Amy, I've been on my own for a long time. Jess is great. We have fun together. She needs me...she needs someone strong to keep her together and I need someone to need me. I guess we're made for each other that way."
I thought of Jack then. About how well we fit even when things were tough for both of us. We were good together and I wanted it to stay that way. I had to find a way to make him understand.
"So what's going to happen with the shop then?" I asked. "Is Jess taking over the running of it?"
"She was just helping out, Amy. That place is yours. Nothing’s changed."
"What if I don’t want it?" I said, wanting to bite the bullet now we were in sharing and confronting mode.
"What do you mean you don’t want it?"
"It's your thing, Dad, not mine. I hate fish and chips. The smell makes me gag. The late nights are terrible for my social life and my safety. I want to bake."
Dad looked at me with disbelief. "Bake?"
"I want to open a tearoom."
"What do you know about running a tearoom?"
"I've been baking for years, Dad, and when I was in Manchester I worked in one for a week."
"Well, that it then. You're an expert."
I went to stand up but Dan put her hand on my knee.
"Dad," she said. "Amy heard you out. Now you need to listen to her." She looked at me and motioned for me to continue.
"I know I've got a lot to learn but that's what I intend to do. I'm going to get myself a job somewhere that I can pick up the skills I need."
Dad sat back in his chair and studied me. The clock ticked on the mantle.
"You learn the skills and then you can have the shop. Turn it into a tearoom if that's what you want."
I stared at him aghast. "You're serious?"
"Course I am. I set this business up for our family. That shop has been yours for years. I've been waiting for you to show some initiative. If this is what you think will work then you do what you need to do."
I couldn’t help the massive smile that formed on my face. "And the flat...can I move in there?"
"You want to leave home?" he asked with sadness in his voice.
"I'm twenty-three, dad. I think it's kind of overdue."
He sighed and shook his head. I don't know where the time has gone. You were girls and now you're women. Your mum missed out on so much."
I was stunned to hear him mention her as she'd been a conversational no-go zone for as long as I could remember.
"Her loss," was Dan's comment, but I didn't want to cut things off so quickly.
"Did you ever hear from her?" I asked, watching his reaction. I was worried it would be too much to poke around in the detritus of her memory but he didn’t seem bothered. Maybe he'd left the hurt and anger behind now he had Jess.
"No," he said. "But I know she ended up in America. I bumped into one of her friends when I was down in London about ten years ago and she told me."
"Wow." I imagined mum riding on a horse on a ranch in Texas or maybe sunning herself by a pool in California. The reality of her life was probably a lot more ordinary. I knew I'd always wonder about her and struggle to understand what drove her to leave us all behind. I knew my dad wasn’t the easiest man to live with but women usually take the kids. She was either weak or selfish or a mix of the two. I didn’t like that I was curious but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Nevertheless, I had no compulsion to find her.
The room went silent again, as though we'd said everything that needed to be said. I felt a huge weight had been lifted from my back and my heart.
"I love you guys." I said. "I'm sorry if you were worried about me."
Dan reached around me and pulled me in for an awkward sideways hug. "We're just glad you’re back, Amy. Now you need to go talk to Jess."
"I guess I do. And Bobby. I've been ignoring her calls for days."
"Go sort it all out, sis. Then come round for dinner, and bring your boyfriend." She winked mischievously.
"Boyfriend?" my dad hissed, back to his old self in a flash.
He's not my boyfriend."
"But he will be," Dan said smiling. "He won’t let a good thing pass him by."
I had no idea if she was right, but there is something special about family and home that makes you believe and hope that everything will work out fine.
Chapter 19
JACK
Sometimes a day starts out so well; you’re happy, the sun is shining and things are good. I’m not sure if I’m alone in having a nagging sense of dread that clouds those moments. I never wanted to be the kind of person who always expects the worst, but the trouble with life is that good times and bad are as interwoven as tangled vines.
Waking up with Amy in my arms had filled me with a sense of contentment that I shouldn’t have enjoyed, but did. Going to a job that put food on my table and a roof over my head – stability that I would never take for granted – was scarily satisfying. I’d finally found my brother and more family that I didn’t know I had.
I felt good.
Too good.
The day passed quickly, my buoyant mood quickly converting minutes into hours, making even the most mundane of tasks bearable. It was late afternoon when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out cautiously, conscious of the fact I wasn’t supposed to use it when I was on the shop floor, thinking it would be Amy with an update on how it had gone this morning. The screen flashed ‘mum’ and I cursed under my breath.
I hadn’t seen her since the pub. She knew nothing about my trip to Manchester or that I’d found Jamie. I didn’t want to talk to her and hear more of her bullshit excuses, but I was worried about her enough that I answered.
“Jack.” Her voice sounded different, tight, as though she’d been crying.
“What is it? Are you okay?” I asked, already feeling panic creeping up my back.
“Jack, I’m at the hospital. In A & E. Can you come?”
“What happened?” I tried to stay calm but I had a terrible sinking feeling that my fears about Darren had been right all along.
“Just come, Jack, if you can. I don’t want to sit here by myself.”
I took a deep breath and started walking to Stan’s office. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I said, and then hung up.
Stan was fine to let me leave but I felt so fucking guilty for offloading yet more personal crap when he’d already been so supportive. I was out the door in less than ten minutes, cursing my mum for putting me in such an awkward position. The hospital was a twenty minute walk to the north of the town. I could have called a cab but money was tight so I ran instead. All the pent up anxiety I’d been stuffing down into the darkest parts of me drove me faster, feet thudding on the ground in a rhythm that matched my heart. My uniform scratched against my chest and arms, backpack hitting my back with each new stride but I wanted to get there as quickly as I could, as much to find out what the hell had happened as to be a support for Mum.
I was so angry with her for putting herself in situations with losers who didn’t give a shit about her. They were always in it for what they could take for themselves; a roof over their head, money and other things I didn’t want to think about. Maybe I was wrong for assuming that Darren had been responsible but I doubted I was. He had an evil temper, one that I’d found myself in the path of too many times. I could still feel the impact of his fist on my eye socket. If he’d done anything to hurt Mum I didn’t know what I would do.
I was jogging by the time I reached the hospital car park, scanning for signs to Accident and Emergency, half anxious to get there, half reluctant to find out what had happened. As the automatic doors opened I scanned the waiting room, seeing mum in the corner, holding a cold compress against her face. The look in her eyes, even from twenty feet away, was enough to confirm my suspicions. I was fucking furious, the anger inside me boiling with such intensity I froze. Mum wanted me with her – I’d heard it in
her voice and could see it in her eyes – but everything in me wanted to get out of there and find Darren. My fisted hands trembled with rage and my jaw cracked with tension that I didn’t know what to do with.
“Jack,” Mum called softly, as if her face hurt too much to shout. The sound of her pain was enough to bring me around and I strode towards her, squatting to get a closer look at her injuries.
“What happened?” I asked with a gruff voice that revealed all my anger. Mum put her free hand on my shoulder and squeezed.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s nothing for you to get involved in, okay?”
“I’m gonna hurt him, Mum,” I hissed. “I’m going to finish this. He’s not going to come crawling back to stay with you anymore. Enough is enough.”
“I don’t want you involved,” she said, her eyes pleading, but it was too little too late.
"You called me, remember! What do you want me to do? Sit here like a little boy and hold your hand?" My hands were still shaking and it hurt my throat to talk around the tightness of my fury and frustration.
"Jack, don’t be like that.” She reached out to cup my cheek and I flinched at her freezing touch. When she dropped her hand she looked hurt and it just fuelled my anger because she had no right to expect things from me when she’d put me through so much.
"Like what? You look fucking terrible. You knew what he was like but you chose to let him stay. Now it's down to me to sort out the mess."
"Don't," she said, slumping back in her chair and looking towards the window. I glanced around, realising I'd drawn an audience. I was so embarrassed to be put in that position, knowing others would be looking at us and judging; her for her shabby appearance and black eye and me for shouting. We looked like scum.
"I'm going to call Eileen. I should have just got her to come in the first place but I wanted to find out what happened."
"Don't go, Jack," she said weakly. "I don't want any trouble."
"For who? For me or for him?"
