Jenny tried to calm her mind as the number of ways either she or the baby could die were counted like sheep for a sleepless night. What cruel trick was this? Now when she needed calm the most where was it? Jenny made a face and gritted her teeth as the waving went through her. She leaned against a tree breathing hard as it passed. This was the part that made her want to tear Sparrow Hawk’s throat out with her bare hands.
It had been easier to bear the long labor pains with Itsee being her first child. She had waited many hours for him to show up, but the first is always special. One looks at all children as gift, but everything is new with the first. Itsee was the closest in appearance to Sparrow Hawk. He had his dark hair, nose, and cheeks. Itsee’s body would look like his father’s when he was grown. It was already transforming from that of a boy into a young man. His eyes were shaped like hers, but he was his father’s son.
Another contraction started. It was stronger and starting to get closer. Jenny hoped that this being her fifth child that the waves would go quicker partly from remembering it was very painful and partly from fear. If she was to die, she hoped it happened quickly before some animal scented her blood. The thought of a wolf eating her belly while she still lived was enough to make her wish she had born her child at the white man’s fort surrounded by camels or even in the bat dung or down by the springs that surfaced from the dessert sands. The warm water would have helped relax her. But it was too far to go back now.
Jenny’s water hadn’t broken yet. She had been blessed with her water breaking quickly on Paaka. It made things speed up. Little Paaka was a contrary baby. He was stubborn and smart. He had his own idea of how and when he should do things. He had Gage’s smile. He reminded her of the younger brother she had left behind even though he looked more like Sparrow Hawk than Gage until he grinned and then she only saw Gage. Sweat was beading on her brow as the minutes dragged on into hours. She could feel her hand trembling. How could she be cold on such a warm night? A shiver went through her body.
Jenny tried to breathe. She took long breaths and slowly her mind calmed enough to think without panic. She reassured herself. Jenny had her own ritual of what she liked to do while waiting for the child to make his journey between the watery world of darkness within her body into the light of day. She would think about each of the births. It gave her comfort before. Surely it would help now. She had been blessed with four healthy sons and few problems compared to many wives. She wouldn’t let her mind wonder to those who died in birth. She had lost friends and one of Sparrow Hawk’s other wives when she was young had bled and died along with the son she bore too early.
Jenny looked up with tears in her eyes as her short lived peace faded. She called out Snow Bird’s name in her mind as the picture of the young girl surrounded by blood came to mind. It had been her job to wash her body and prepare it for burial. She had cut her arms in mourning after riding with the body to her pit and tossing her possessions into the hole for her to use in the after life. Sparrow Hawk had gifted Snow Bird the precious wokwave pod and she had eaten. Snow Bird’s eyes were calm. What would hers look like?
Jenny worried that this birth was too soon as well. Normally she would never have been traveling this close to her time. The trip to the fort. Being dragged from one place to the next to see if anyone claimed her. The trip here had been especially hard. Everything since Bryan’s Chief took her away had been hard. She should hate him for more than one reason, but strangely the way he spoke of Gage and tried to find her a home made her feel he was good at heart but too young for the responsibility on his shoulders. War had put him where he was. She wondered how many must have died for him to be leading those older men. Maybe his father had died too soon? Would Itsee be like him if Sparrow Hawk died before he was old enough to take over?
Another contraction tore through her body as Jenny found her voice. She called out in a low growl, “AAAAAAAHH” Each time it became a little louder. If another wife had been there, she would be ashamed to have yelled but Bryan wanted her to say it so she would. She hadn’t tried to talk in front of Sparrow Hawk, but she was not his anymore and she would speak again to prove she was Bryan’s, not the man who filled her belly with so much pain. Not this man who left her to die with strangers or in his enemy’s hands as they claimed the territory he left for dogs to fight over. There would be dogs fighting over the bones and she was nothing but a bone to them. If they took her, she would die painfully and brutally. She had no illusion Mouse Dog would try to make good on his promise to take her as his prize and send her scalp to his sister, Tatsinuupi, as a gift. Tatsinuupi swore to make Itsee wear it so he would not forget her as Tatsinuupi taunted and pulled her hair as she sent her to tend the village that had measles in their mist. Red Cedar had slapped Tatsinuupi’s face as he collected Jenny after hearing the threat. He took her out and calmly said, “I have dreamed and it will not happen that way.” He didn’t say how, just she would not die that way. Red Cedar was usually right. He didn’t say it wouldn’t happen, just not that way.
Jenny took several breaths and bent down. Then she sat and pushed her back against the bolder behind her and lifted her knees to her belly holding them with her hands. Nothing came, but somehow it helped. She let go and tried to relax before the next wave went through her. Her mind had wondered. She was thinking of the wrong things. She needed happy moments to help her relax. Jenny realized that her life had changed with each son. There had been a couple years between Paaka and Peekwi. Sparrow Hawk’s first wife, Tatsinuupi, had become jealous of each son Nahuu gave Sparrow Hawk when her own children died either in the womb or shortly after they were born. Nahuu felt her grief, but Tatsinuupi had insisted the problem was Sparrow Hawk was giving his good seed to her so he stopped sleeping with Nahuu. Maybe the Great Spirit that Sparrow Hawk prayed to was angry with Tatsinuupi. She bore him no live children even when she had all of him. Maybe the Great Spirit was angry with Nahuu too. Tatsinuupi now had Nahuu’s children. Two fine boys. But those boys were almost men and there was some satisfaction in Jenny’s heart that Itsee and Paaka would remember her even if they had to call her by her white man’s name of Jenny.
Another wave started. and Jenny counted the stars as she let the breath out as the wave through her body subsided. Then like the wave that rolled through her, Sparrow Hawk’s absence from her bed ended. Her exile was over from the village and his teepee when she was brought back with a presents for Red Cedar and Sparrow Hawk. Sparrow Hawk had took her fiercely and desperately many times that night. That was the night she hoped Peekwi might have been made in the heavens and sent to her belly. He had been so happy when her belly showed growth. The night he was born Sparrow Hawk had held the boy up to the stars and declared he was the fish, the food that sustained them in bad times. After two dead sons by his first wife, Tatsinuupi, the times had been bad for anyone who crossed Sparrow Hawk. Sparrow Hawk had found his smile again with a new son, born healthy and thriving.
Perhaps it was the desperate want in his loins of Nahuu’s body that caused Peekwi to have her hair and her face. Gage’s hair and face. Maybe it was a sign that her brother would come to take her back and claim her from her Comanche husband. It did make Nahuu think that it was an omen of change. The men had ate wokwave before she had Peekwi like tonight. Sparrow Hawk had taken her after he stumbled into their teepee and said their world was ending and all he could do was have sons to carry his seed on so that the memories of his people would not disappear. His eyes had been so sad as he rubbed her belly, then the pain had started and several hours later she put Peekwi in his arms.
Tatsinuupi had claimed her son Peekwi wasn’t Sparrow Hawk’s child. His hair wasn’t dark like Itsee and Paaka. She had born a white child. Tatsinuupi called for Peekwi to be put to death and Nahuu as well. Nahuu had done what Sparrow Hawk asked.
Sparrow Hawk had whipped his first wife and told her that Peekwi was his and if she said differently in front of anyone, she would never see him lay with her again. It was his right
to give what was his and his right to take her back. That did not mean the child would not be his. He claimed Peekwi and he was his son and she would not dishonor him. It was both bad and good for her then. Tatsinuupi used every occasion to remind her she was the first wife and yet Sparrow Hawk seemed to enjoy making sure Tatsinuupi watched as he found Nahuu’s bed.
Jenny felt another wave as the baby seemed to be fighting trying to swim and finding a dam like a beaver had blocked the water of the creek. Jenny’s face was flushed and sweat was beading on her arms and face. She took her buckskin off and laid on the rocks bare skinned. She felt between her legs. It was wet. She smelled the blood on her hand. Still no water breaking. This might be how Snow Bird felt. At what point would you realize all is not well? She wished another squaw, Red Cedar, Sparrow Hawk or Bryan was with her to hear her cries and come to her. But no one came out of the darkness when she cried out.
Perhaps Red Cedar had seen this. She would not live long enough for Mouse Dog to take her life. Perhaps this was her day to die. Why had she not let Bryan look at her when he offered? He had wanted to look at her and when his hands touched her she felt safe. The smell of so much blood before the water wasn’t a good sign. If she bled too much she wouldn’t have strength to take the child back, if she lived at all. Jenny tried to make her heart slow down. She needed to breath deep for the baby and for Sparrow Hawk and for Bryan and maybe for Onaabi too. This baby would be hers to raise. Maybe if she thought kindly of his new mother, the Great Spirit would forgive her and let this child live.
The next wave hit and went from her front to her back so hard she felt as if every piece of her body called out in pain as Jenny opened her throat and groaned in pain as her mind called out to the God of her mother in her mind, “Now I lay me down to sleep.” If she could just sleep through this and wake to have a baby in her arms. The God that made women must have forgot something to make having babies so hard.
As if her Mother’s God had heard and laughed back in her face for saying such a thing, suddenly Gage’s face was in front of hers as she woke up that morning nearly four years ago with a strange man’s arms wrapped around her so tight that she couldn’t leave before he woke. The horror on his face when he saw her was beyond terror itself. Then he saw his seed spread over her legs and he called out her white name. She had milked his manhood while he slept aroused by her body at Sparrow Hawk’s request like the other man who’s face she never saw. Her honey pot contained some of his seed, but not all. All the women who were with child had saved his seed as ‘Aah Ha’ for other squaws in need of children. True if she had know the stranger was Gage, she might have refused to touch him, but she didn’t. She could hear the words of her Mother’s bible, ‘Cursed is anyone who has sexual intercourse with his sister’ as her brother Gage put his hands over her throat and pressed the air from her lungs and she let him. She had dishonored him. She thought she was dead as the light went from her eyes. But she didn’t die. She had lived and nine moons later Wasapi was born. She realized when she saw his face she was looking at her own face and maybe her brother’s face but thank goodness it wasn’t Mouse Dog’s face or tiny prick. Things could have gone worse. As it was Sparrow Hawk claimed him for his own. Jenny wondered what it said about second wives who did what was expected and found themselves in bed with a brother or step-brother whether they knew it or not ahead of time. Would her Mother’s God fight with the Great Spirit on where her spirit might live in the after life? She might find out sooner rather than later.
Wasapi’s skin was light as hers and Gage’s. There was looks by Tatsinuupi, but she didn’t say a word. Nahuu had thought to herself, “Three of her sons showed features like hers, this one was just more like her than the others. She had not let him enter her. Her hands guided him and tickled him into giving up some of his seed like she had tickled Bryan in the water. She didn’t want Sparrow Hawk’s guest.”
It didn’t matter. The men looked at her as if she had been one of the squaws that shamed their men by wanting more than offered that night and came in dragging them out. They used his ‘Aah Ha’ but only two sons were born and one might have been Sparrow Hawk’s spawn planted already in her womb. Surely he saw her face in his? Was that why Sparrow Hawk wanted his seed so badly? He wanted more sons that looked like hers in the village so her sons would have allies against the darker haired boys? Had he seen the now that not is yet too? Jenny pleaded for peace. Take these thoughts away from her. What once brought peace were the source of nightmares and madness.
Red Cedar’s face came to her with his wisdom. He placed his hand on her heart and said, “Nahuu, it is not always ours to understand why the now that is now is.”
Nahuu understood, but it didn’t make it easier.”
Red Cedar replied, “Perhaps he saw the now that may be in your face. It will be a son from you and him who becomes a war chief. I have seen this.”
On that day in the past Nahuu didn’t know whether she should hug Red Cedar or spit in his face. They knew Gage was her brother and for Red Cedar’s vision to come true, she would have to lay with him. How many white people would die at Wasapi’s hands besides Gage? How many times had she prayed she could see Gage’s face before she actually did. Well, the Great Spirit had an odd sense of humor. Nahuu would see his face every day as Wasapi grew. He was a beautiful boy no matter how he had gotten into this world. Perhaps there was a way to stop this war. How might things change if she could take Wasapi with her to the white man’s world or would he turn into a war chief because she took him from his father? Even if he didn’t hate her, who would die in Gage’s place. Would it be Sparrow Hawk? It was too much for her and she resigned her fate and theirs to the Great Spirit. Surely he knew best.
It had been hours since her pains started. Still her water had not broke. Jenny had been re-living her life through the moments that defined her. Her mind turned to her night with Bryan and it made her smile and cry. She was not sure there would be another. Blood was running down her legs onto the cold stone beneath her and she saw bright white lights cover her eyelids as her feet slipped as she tried to get them under the heaviness of her body to squat and try to push once more. Jenny fell back catching herself as her back hit the hard rock. Things were not well and she needed to try to get to her feet to go find Bryan while there was still time. Another wavy struck and she cried out, “AAAAAAHHHH AAAAAH AAAH”
In the dark she heard Bryan’s voice as he yelled back, “JENNIE!”
Jenny cried out, “EEEEEEEEAH.”
Bryan yelled as he ran toward the sound of her voice, “KEEP YELLING!”
Jenny clutched her belly in pain, “OOOOOOOOOHHHH UUUUeh” She lost all thought of what was around her. She could only feel the baby trying to fight to get free of her. Suddenly she was aware of his hands on her. Bryan’s voice was soothing. His voice was like the wokwave plant trying to calm her mind.
Bryan spoke in soft tones. He found her. He had almost slipped himself on the blood covering the rocks around her body. Bryan pushed her legs up and held them between his own thighs. His hands felt for any sign that her child was crowning. She could hear him cussing and then finding something sharp. There was a sharp prick and a gush of water. The dam had burst and her body was fighting desperately to expel the object of it’s pain. Jenny pulled her legs up to her chest and pushed with all her might.
Bryan smiled, “You’re doing fine now Darling. I see the head. Just a couple more pushes and we’ll get you both back.”
The waves were not stopping. There was no rest as the one without a face was determine to help push his way into the world now that Bryan had broken the dam of his water.
Bryan took a deep breath and keep telling Jenny to breath. She needed to breath and try to relax, but it was him who couldn’t relax. The wokwave was making the blood on her legs and his hands form huge drops that were somehow falling on his eyes and face from the top of the waterfall. He closed his eyes and blinked then slapped his face. He needed to be there for her and he
was stinking drunk and drugged beyond belief. Maybe this child didn’t care if he killed her, but Bryan did and he kept talking to Jenny trying to keep her awake.
Bryan lightly slapped her cheeks, “Wake up. Jenny just a little more.” Jenny’s body was shaking like a leaf as drops of perspiration ran freely from her pores. He had seen this in men trying to come clean off the addicting effects of opium. She was in withdrawal in the middle of child birth. Bryan muttered, “My God help. Please Jenny don’t give up. Fight it.”
Jenny’s eyes slowly opened as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She grasped his fingers and Bryan clasped hers in his as Jenny pushed again and a shoulder poked out turned to the side much as Jenny had been in the bat cave.
Bryan took a breath, “There you go, just like your Mamma was in that nasty cave little one. Don’t you want to see me? Come look upon my face.” Bryan took the baby’s neck and shoulder in his hands and waited for the next wave to deliver it into his hands.
Jenny’s voice was gone. Her strength was gone and she struggled to keep her eyes open. It was too much and she closed them. Jenny was no longer in her body. There was Snow Bird’s voice calling to her to come with her. Jenny smiled and looked away from the pain and blood. Then she heard Bryan’s voice calling her back. She was somewhere over his head as she looked at her own body with the baby half delivered. There was no pain, just sadness in her heart. She saw no face, just a head of black matted hair covered in her blood face down. He was dying without a name. Bryan was beating on her chest trying to make her breathe. He needed her help. Jenny’s eyes suddenly opened as she felt her essence being sucked back into the pain of the now and she heard herself call out, “UUUUUUUUHHH” The child moved enough that Bryan’s hands quickly moved back down and pulled urgently under his shoulders and he was free of the bloody cocoon that kept him from from the light of day.
Camp Camel: The Heart of Texas Page 15
