- I don’t know why you're so weird. - I spoke softly into his ear in a way that only he could hear. - But whatever, I'll always be with you.
I made a promise that I hoped fervently not to disobey, and I was sure that there would be no need for it. Mat was more than a perfect man, he was a real prince, a prince of those fairytales. Another day, watching my mother watching a sitcom, she and my father were crazy about, called Once Upon a Time, I heard one of the characters talking about true love. David, a prince, was completely in love with Snow White, and as much as the destination could insist on separating them, they would ever meet again and seek happiness together. I never imagined that a man like David could be real. What he did for Snow White was something that every woman would dream to find. The evidence of love declarations and the way to treat her. The things he gave up for her. It was an epic love, the kind you only see on TV. That's when Matt came into my life and I found out he was my David, my prince and if that character could be represented by someone in real life, would be by my brat who did everything to leave me with a smile on face.
We hugged even stronger, while his mother talked about the dinner menu. Unable to pay attention to what she was saying, my world was that hug with Matt.
- Hello, people! - I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, a male voice, kind of euphoric, full of joy and enthusiasm. I let Mat go, but I kept holding his hand. - You must be Emily, the new love of Mathew - said the male voice.
- Yeah, nice to meet you! - I said, extending my hand to introduce myself, without knowing in what direction I should point out.
I felt the man suddenly hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. He really was very excited.
- I am Mathew’s father, my name is Lucas. - He told me shortly after releasing the hug.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Lucas! - I said awkwardly sitting again beside Mat, who pressed tightly my hand.
- Suzan - he screamed - bring a glass of wine. You drink, don’t you, Emily?
- I usually don’t drink anything alcoholic. - I replied, still awkwardly.
- Dad, you can’t take alcohol. - Mat said with a serious voice. - Even if it's just a little glass of wine.
- Mathew, one little glass of wine is good for the heart. - He said laughing, showing some good mood. - A little bit will not hurt. Bring the wine to all Suzan. Emily doesn’t want to insult us. I know.
- Emily doesn’t drink, dad. - Mat said, with a serious and authoritative voice.
- Dinner is ready - said Matthew’s mother - I think the wine will have to stay for after dinner.
- Or during. - He replied.
We moved towards the table. Mathew was not that boy I knew. He was different, as if he was afraid of something. The dining room was only a few steps from the living room. I bet that would be the room next door, as those houses where one room is connected to the other, separated only by a wall or something. Mathew pulled out the chair for me to sit, while the noises of chairs and the voices I heard, I realized that Mr. Lucas sat on the head of the table, with Mrs. Julia on his right, Suzan beside him, Mat sat on the left and I sat beside him, facing Suzan.
- Let's say a prayer before? - Said the Mrs. Julia.
- My stomach will not be able to resist a prayer, Julia - said Mr. Lucas, giving the laughter already seemed out of context - let your prayers for when you're in church.
I realized that was a strange mood in the air. Mr. Lucas seemed to have a humor a little more different from the ordinary. Sort of an abnormal mood, if someone calls it a mood.
- So, tell me a little about you, Emily. - He spoke in my direction while someone served the food. I think Mrs. Julia.
- Well... - I started without knowing what I should really say. It’s very hard to talk about yourself for someone you barely know. - I'm 23 and I'm a history teacher. I live in the front house and I have a younger brother.
- Um - he already said a mouthful - a history teacher? I think you forgot some detail, no?
- That I'm blind? - I asked without understanding if that was what he really wanted to hear. Isn’t it an obvious fact that I am blind?
- Father - Mat said, making a strange noise like someone just rubbing the fork at the bottom of the dish, which appeared to be pure porcelain – don’t start please. Today is the day to celebrate your anniversary. Yours and Mom’s. Let's just celebrate without your ironies.
- What ironies, my son? - Questioned Mr. Lucas, now taking a sip. I bet he was still with the glass of water or whatever it is in hands. - I just want to meet your girlfriend. Is it wrong, Emily, that I want to know you a little more? - He asked me with a smirk.
- Of course not. - I replied, squeezing Mat’s hand and trying to calm him down. - It's okay, Matt. You know I have no problems about that, don’t you? So, Mr. Lucas. Yes, as you may have noticed, I'm blind. Since I was born, to be more precise.
- Interesting - he said, taking a bite on the plate.
- Emily - said Mrs. Julia – Do you like mashed potatoes? Mat told me you liked. I made a special family recipe with a secret ingredient that leaves it with a very special flavor.
- Seems to be very good mother - said Suzan.
- Mom cooks very well, Ems. - Mat said, a little more natural, stroking my hand that was on the table.
- Yes I like. It must be delicious. Mat had already told me that you are a great cook. - I said that trying to calm the tense atmosphere. Actually it was a big lie, Mat and I had never talked about his family. Not something more detailed. The few details he had told me superficially.
- How does a blind date? - Asked Mr. Lucas, surprising everyone with his indiscreet question - Groping? Touching?
- FATHER! - Mat shouted as everyone just kept quiet. But I'm sure they were becoming pale by such shame. - Could you respect my girlfriend?
I remained silent. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear the indiscreet question of my father-in-law. At other times I would have a quick response, but in consideration of my boyfriend, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law, I thought it was best to remain silent and not beginning a discussion. I'm not taking shit from anybody or hear a bad joke without answering, but there are moments in life that you should pretend not to hear certain things to not cause greater injury.
- Why do you get mad, son? - Mr. Lucas said laughing. – I just made a question. Do you know what I was thinking now, Mathew? If you marry, how will be your children? A bunch of little blinds, hitting their faces on the furniture, falling up the stairs?
- Sorry mom - said Suzan - but Emily does not deserve to listen to these atrocities. It’s enough prejudice she must suffer out there, she doesn’t have to hear the comments of our bipolar father.
- Your father is not well, dear - said Mrs. Julia - he must have been drinking alcohol or something. You know he doesn’t do it on purpose.
- You are very dramatic! – Mr. Lucas spoke squandering a good mood. – Can’t a man talk to his daughter-in-law anymore? You know, Emily, do not feel excluded, we are already accustomed with people like you in the family.
- Like me? - I asked. I couldn’t control myself and had to ask what he meant by "people like you". Mat, Suzan and Julia would have to excuse me, but the next bad taste joke to come towards me, I would have a comeback.
- Yes, different. - He replied - Mat always liked strange girlfriends. When he was 20 years old we discovered that he dated a crippled. Do you believe that the girl was missing an arm? It was a fun figure, I could not stop laughing at her. Especially when I saw her going back and forth without an arm.
- You have a very peculiar sense of humor. - I replied, trying to put out what I was feeling. - Glad to know that Mat does not judge people by appearance, he sees what they have inside...
- ... But you're beautiful, little blind girl. - He interrupted me. - I've never seen such a beautiful blind. But you know, what future do you think that you will have together? It's almost the same story of the armless girl. If they had a child, how do you think she'd put the child to sleep like? She h
ad no arm to lull the child. And you, my darling, may give detergent to the child instead of a bottle, not knowing what is what.
- SHUT UP DAD! - Mat shouted, rising from the table and giving a tight slap which made everything to chill. - That's why I did not want to bring Emily here. That's why I never want to bring anyone here. You are unbearable, is always changing phase, speaking what you shouldn’t, being rude. There's no way someone can bare you, father. You don’t care about what we feel.
- Calm down, son. – Mrs. Julia said trying to lighten the situation.
- I think I better go. - I said standing up at the table. - Sorry if I caused any trouble - tried to be polite, even willing to fly at the face of Mr. Lucas and fill it with slaps.
- You can’t handle the truth. - He said, smiling. Taking a bite on the plate and leading to the mouth. I could clearly hear the way he chewed his food. – The blind girl deep inside of you knows that I'm telling the truth. I don’t get in the middle of no one’s relationship, everyone arranges the anomaly that thinks that fits, but if you want to join this family you must be prepared to hear my opinion.
He ate as if nothing was happening. Of course, happy.
I got up from the table and headed to the door. It was not hard to find the path, since the path was easy and I managed to memorize quickly. Mathew accompanied me while Suzan also stood from the table. I just realized that Ms. Peterson had continued sitting, complaining to Mr. Lucas for the things he had just spoken.
I tried to hurry my steps. I wanted to leave that place as fast as I could. The night I thought it might be a dream turned into a nightmare. Mathew's father was an unfeeling man, who did not care about anyone's opinion. As I left the house I remembered that he was an artist. Usually, artists are people of a more sensitive soul. I remember Mat has told me that the father was a bit rude, but I didn’t imagine that he was that much. The worst was that he was rude in a different way. It was ironic, he was straight, but at the same time, he spoke as if it were something normal, natural. As he was talking about an ordinary subject.
Never in my life, I felt incapable of anything. Despite being blind I was educated in a way that showed me that I had full capacity to be what I wanted. That blindness was no reason to stop me from doing anything I wanted, and in a single moment Mr. Lucas managed to make me feel incapable, invalid.
I crossed the street with Mat, who did not say a word, just hold my hand. I entered the house and went straight to my room. Mat came behind me.
I went in and ran to my bed, where I hugged myself with my pillow and put out everything that was stuck inside me. I was holding the crying for a moment that I was alone. For a moment I thought Mat had come back from the door and left me alone. And when I hugged my pillow, crying, putting all the tears that were stuck in my throat, I felt him hugging me.
- I don’t want to see you cry - he told me in a choked voice – That was not why I came into your life, to make you cry. I just want to make you smile.
As he was talking I realized that his voice was failing. And with every failure I noticed that tears were about to fall from his eyes. He was also holding the crying, perhaps to try to be strong enough for both of us. To support me in that moment.
- I’m sorry, Ems. - He said, crying and hugging me - I didn’t think it would happen, excuse me, please.
- Leave me alone for a while, Matt - That was the only thing I could say to him - your mother must need you.
- No, Ems, I'm not leaving you. Listen to me, the problem is not with you, is with him. He is the problem. Forgive me, I should never have accepted this idea of my mother, I knew he was not well.
- Of course the problem is me, Matt - I said, lifting my face, a little angry with everything that had just happened. - I'm the blind of this story. I’m going to have little blind children, who will walk around with the heads banging everywhere. I am the problem, yes, and you know it.
- Stop being childish, Ems - he spoke through tears - you know that this is nonsense without any logic. There is nothing genetic about being blind. Please do not send me away from your life. Let me take care of you.
- Go away, Matt. Please, go away. I'm not going to say anything when I’m like this, I know you are not the one to blame, but just leave me alone, I prefer to cry alone. I need to be alone.
Mat tried, but I made it clear that he had to go. It broke my heart to have to send him away, but I needed to think. I didn’t know if I was prepared to be part of this family. I didn’t know if this relationship had a future. If we could be happy together as we imagined. Maybe Mat’s father was right in his words. I now began to doubt my ability to be happy, to get to be independent, to be as safe as I was until today.
If I ever decide to marry Mat? And if I accept? If we had children? Would I have the capacity to be a mother? To take care of a child without being able to see one millimeter of what's in front of me? How many accidents could make that child suffer? And Mat? My God, Mat deserves a normal girlfriend who may be complete when with him. Someone he does not need to be worrying about driving, taking care in adjusting the furniture so that she doesn’t drop everything on the way.
And am I prepared to join this family? Put up with the strong opinion of Mr. Peterson, who speaks what he wants without worrying about other people's opinions? I know we're dating for a few time, but I can’t deny that I am completely involved with him, and if things continue this way I will get involved even more.
If I have to make a decision, that decision has to be taken now while it's early. If it is to end it all, it must be done now, while it's still not too late.
CHAPTER 13
I woke up with my eyes completely swollen from crying all night. My first day of vacation started on the basis of tears. The night was short for so much crying.
Soon after Matt left was not long before my mother walked in wondering what had happened. This time she didn’t come with that air of morbid curiosity that was so common to her, but only as a protective mother to her daughter wanting to show that no matter what happens, she will always be there to help.
She spent a lot of time hugging me, without saying a word. My mother knew me well enough to know that at that moment I was not ready to talk. I also did not say anything, just cried while I felt the warmth of her hands stroking my hair. I don’t know exactly what time I slept, but I remember crying a lot before that.
I woke up with Jason sitting on my bed.
- Are you okay? - He asked caressing my feet while I just passed my hands over my swollen eyes - Suzan came earlier to see how you were, but we thought it was better not wake you.
- You were right - I said, trying to show that I was recovered for a new day - I needed a little more sleep.
- Mat is down there. Mom asked him to have patience, but she doesn’t know what happened. Suzan told me, explained everything to me and I thought I'd better not put them into that. You know how they are.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t want to make what happened even worse. It best to leave it as it is.
- And Mat? Can I send him up? - He asked.
- Better not. I don’t want him to see me like this. I'm horrible! - I replied, trying to appear that the only reason not to want to see Mat was the fact that I woke up with dark circles on my eyes, disheveled and horribly ugly.
- You're right - he answered me laughing - you're really awful. But whatever, Ems, Mat is not the one to blame. He is a great person and really likes you. I know you will not say I'm old enough to talk about these things, but he really likes you. Don’t do anything that you can regret later, ok?
- You grew up and I didn’t even realize, isn’t that, boy? - I said with a forced smile, noting only now that Jason was no longer the child who was playing hide and seek in the house.
It took me a while to come down. I spend some time near the stairs, still upstairs, trying to hear Matthew’s voice, to know whether or not he was still downstairs. I wanted some time for me to measure my feelings until the time when we were going to talk, d
efinitely.
That day he came to my house about 5 times, and at all of those times I made up an excuse for not seeing him. I really wanted to talk to him, talk and decide what we would do, but I knew I still had no power to make any decisions. I needed to fortify myself, find the courage, so that when I would be in his presence I could resist the smell, the voice, the warmth of his body and thus be able to end it all.
I asked my mom to help me. Not to let him go to my room, nor to give any information about me. Only say that I wasn’t able to receive him for now. I left my phone on silent, but even so, I felt the vibrations and knew it was him who was calling. I left it inside the drawer, in silent and without vibration.
The day passed by, I clung to a huge pot of brigadier and put the first CD I found to play. It was one of those CDs that Mat had forgotten the day before. I spent the afternoon locked in my room, refusing to listen to his voice downstairs every time he appeared.
When the night came, I felt a smell of wet earth and the cold wind came in through my bedroom window. I noticed the sound of rain falling, and put my face a bit outside to feel the breeze. I listened for a moment to his voice downstairs and realized that this should be the sixth time that he sought me only that day. The noise of the rain became even stronger, and then I heard him screaming in the rain, that he would only leave the door of my house when I decided to talk to him. I ran to my bed, wrapped myself in my blanket and tried not to hear him calling. He should be completely soaked wet. The rain was really strong, so strong that the noise of falling water was able to muffle the sound of his voice.
Soon I heard someone breaking into my room.
- Emily - Jason said, coming quickly – Did you hear Matt calling you out there?
- I still can’t talk to him, Jason. - I said through tears, trying to be strong enough to not fall, hug him and make the mistake of embarking on a story without a future.
- You're acting like a child, Ems. - He said, pulling the sheet that wrapped me. – I should be the child in this house. I’m the one who has 15 years old. I don’t believe that I am more mature than you.
Shooting Stars Don't Say Goodbye Page 13
