My heart’s beating fast. I don’t feel good. My head’s all murky and confused from no sleep. My hands feel sweaty. I feel like I’m getting a headache. But I keep going. I have to do this.
I walk right down the middle of the road, until I reach the farm gate. I climb up on the bottom rung and look over at the farmhouse. It looks empty, like there’s no one there. No police cars anyway. But there’s tape around the front door of the house. Police tape, blue and white. Does that mean there’s police inside? Does it mean it’s a crime scene? I thought the police said he’d just drunk himself to death. My heart’s really thumping now. I can feel it in my temples and in my throat. And I feel sick again. I don’t think I should go in there. I shouldn’t risk it. What if there’s someone in there? What am I gonna say if they see me sneaking in? ‘Oh, sorry, I’m just returning some keys.’
I can’t do it. I’ve gotta work out what to do with the keys. I turn and rush back home.
.
David
Knaggs spots Wood out in the playground. Wood’s got his head down, like always. Knaggs walks towards him. All I want is for the earth to open up and swallow me. I don’t want to see this again. I just want it all to go away.
Knaggs gets close to him before Wood even realises it. ‘Hey, Wood,’ he says.
Wood looks up. He turns away as soon as he sees him.
‘Hey, maybe you should own up to the cops, Wood. Get Zoë off the hook, get her out of prison. Cos you know what happens to girls in prison, don’t you?’
Wood turns and looks at Knaggs. Like he can’t decide whether to smack him in the face or not.
‘They turn into lesbians with all them other women around!’ Knaggs says, laughing. ‘I could imagine Zoë turning to the fairer sex, couldn’t you?’
And Wood just snaps. He steps straight towards Knaggs and punches him in the stomach. Knaggs kind of folds in two and falls to the ground, almost in slow motion. Wood runs off straight away. He runs across the playground, jumps the churchyard wall and he’s gone.
I look at Knaggs sitting there on the playground, grimacing. There’s no way I’m helping him up. He deserved that.
‘Jesus!’ he says. ‘Did you see that?’
I ignore him. I look at the wall, where Wood’s just gone.
.
Zoë
When I get back home, I sit there and look at the keys. There are questions buzzing round my head, like, what am I gonna do with them? Where am I gonna hide them? Has anyone noticed that they’re not there, in the box on the wall? The more I look at them, the more paranoid I get. And I realise that there’s only one person I can talk to, who knows about this, who’ll know what to do with the keys. Gary.
I look at the clock. 15:30. If I go now, I might catch him on his way back from the bus stop. If he went to school today, that is.
I go downstairs, leave a note for Mum: Gone to see Gary. And then I’m gone.
As I’m walking up to the village green, I see the school bus go along the main road, towards the bus stop. By the time I get near the stop, everyone is off the bus and doing the usual; messing around in the road; crowding around the outside of the shop. I stand there and wait and watch. A few people look at me strangely as they pass. They’re probably wondering why I’m standing there, not in school uniform. But there’s no sign of Gary. He usually seems to be first off, first away from the bus stop. He must have gone already.
Paul Knaggs is there, though. He spots me and laughs. He starts walking towards me. I should just walk away from him. But I don’t. I want to find out if Gary was at school today.
‘Hello, Zoë,’ he says as he gets near. ‘Someone told me you were in prison. Did you escape?’
‘You what?’ I say.
‘The whole tramp thing. You know, you and Gary murdering the tramp? Someone told me they put you in prison.’
‘Grow up!’
Knaggs laughs. ‘So who did it? You or Wood?’
‘Oh, shut up,’ I say. ‘Look, was Gary at school today?’
Knaggs smiles. ‘Didn’t you hear?’
‘Didn’t I hear what?’
‘About lover boy. He ran away.’
‘What? What do you mean, ran away?’
‘He ran away from school!’
I look back at him. Shocked.
‘You didn’t know? Oh, Zoë, there’s so much to tell!’ Knaggs says. ‘He went a bit crazy today! See, first of all he punched me in the stomach. For no reason, of course. Completely unprovoked. And then when he realised he was in trouble, he just ran away from school, jumped the wall. He’s probably on a killing spree by now. I thought he would’ve come and found you first, though, so you could be like Bonnie and Clyde.’
I don’t want to believe what I’m hearing. ‘Are you being serious?’ I say.
Knaggs nods his head. ‘Deadly!’ he says in a voice like a vampire. Then he laughs. ‘But I wouldn’t go looking for him if I was you, Zoë, unless you want to find another body.’
‘What?’
Knaggs smiles. ‘He looked suicidal, if you ask me,’ he says. ‘I reckon he’s done himself in! About time too, if you ask me.’
I turn away from Knaggs and walk off. He shouts something after me, but I can’t hear what it is. My head’s too full of information. I don’t know what to believe. I probably shouldn’t believe any of it. Knaggs is a bullshitter. But the thing is, most of what he said could be true. I can imagine Gary hitting Knaggs and running away from school. I can even imagine him being suicidal. I think. Crap! I have to find him.
My phone. I put his number on my mobile the other night. I’ll phone, see if he went to school today, see if he’s gone home. I take it out of my pocket and unlock the keys. Search through my contacts. And I ring the number.
It rings. And rings. And rings. My heart’s thumping. I think about hanging up, but then someone picks up.
‘Hello,’ says a voice in a thick Norfolk accent. Not Gary’s.
‘Is that Gary’s dad?’
He says nothing for a few seconds, he just breathes into the mouthpiece. ‘Yeah. Why? Who’s this?’
‘Zoë.’
Silence. Just more breathing.
‘I’m Gary’s friend, from school.’
Silence again.
‘Did Gary go to school today?’
Breathing. ‘Of course he did.’
‘Is he home now?’
More breathing. ‘No, he’s bloody not. Why?’
My heart starts to thump again. ‘I’m just looking for him, that’s all.’
‘Yeah?’ his dad says. ‘Well, so am I. And if you find him before me, you can tell him he’s in big trouble. I’ll give that boy a bloody good hiding when I see him!’
And the phone goes dead.
I stare at my phone. Maybe I should have told his dad about what Knaggs said. Maybe I should call the police. Or maybe I’m just overreacting. God! I can’t think straight.
I take some deep breaths. Try and think straight. Where would he go? What would he do?
There’s only one answer. The farmyard.
.
PART TWO
Gary
I can remember it really clearly. Dad must have gone to check on Henry. Dad didn’t say nothing at first. I came into the kitchen and he was stood by the sink with his back to me. Saturday afternoon, it was. By then, me and Dad didn’t really get on. I sat down, didn’t say nothing to him. And he didn’t say nothing to me. Didn’t turn round, either. I got my books out to do my homework. Only, after a few minutes, I realised that something weren’t right. There weren’t no noise, but I could see Dad’s shoulders kind of going up and down a bit.
I didn’t really know what to do. I’d seen Dad cry once before in my life, a couple of years earlier. That was when he used to work for Henry. See,
a few years ago, one of the cows on Henry’s farm got foot-and-mouth disease. Henry’s farm was on the news and everything. They closed all the roads off, put tape up, had over the men in boiler suits and all that. It was a complete fucking disaster. And that was the only other time I seen Dad cry: the day they slaughtered the cows. They all went. Got lifted up into a big trailer and got burnt. All them cows that Dad had looked after all his life. A lot of them he’d even helped when they was born. All gone, just like that. He didn’t say nothing about it. He just cried once and that was it.
The time he found Henry, neither of us said anything for ages, till I couldn’t bear it no more and I said, ‘You all right, Dad?’
He didn’t answer right away. He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed his eyes. And he turned round. He weren’t crying any more. He sighed. ‘Old Henry’s dead,’ he said. He said it really quiet. My dad don’t say much quiet. If he says anything, he usually bloody shouts it.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t believe it. No one I knew had died before. Loads of animals and that had, but that’s sort of different.
‘Stupid bugger went and shot himself,’ Dad said.
I didn’t say nothing for a bit. I just looked at Dad, with my mouth open. ‘Was it an accident?’ I said.
Dad shook his head. ‘No, boy,’ he said. ‘He knew what he was doing. Must have been his best shot, though. That dopey bugger usually couldn’t hit a bloody elephant at point-blank range . . .’ Dad laughed for a second.
I was shocked. Things were rubbish back then. But I still couldn’t believe that someone’d shoot himself. Just like that. One second you’re alive, then you pull a trigger and you’re dead. ‘Why?’ I asked.
Dad screwed up his face and shrugged his shoulders. ‘What’s he got to live for? His farm’s gone. Animals have gone. He ain’t got no kids, no wife – just a load of greedy nephews and nieces. He’s best out of it, boy, believe me.’ Dad put his hand on my shoulder for a second, and then he went through to the lounge.
That was all he said about it.
.
Zoë
I run all the rest of the way to the farm. I have a stitch and I feel sick and tired. But I have to get there as quickly as I can, in case he’s there. In case I can stop him doing something stupid. Except, as soon as I’ve walked across the field and I get close to the barn, I have to stop running. All of a sudden I don’t want to be there so quick. So I walk. Slowly. Maybe I don’t want to see this. Maybe I don’t want to know what might be here. I don’t want to find another body.
I tiptoe up to the barn and then peer round the corner. And there he is. Gary. Slumped against the side of the tractor, not moving.
‘Gary!’ I shout and I run across to him.
He looks up, confused. ‘What?’
I feel like flinging my arms round him. I’m so relieved. But he doesn’t look as though he’d appreciate that. He looks pissed off. So I just smile. ‘Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re here,’ I say. ‘I was worried about you!’ I sit down on the ground, next to him.
‘Were you? Why?’ he says.
‘I just saw Knaggs. He said something happened at school today.’
Gary looks down at the ground. He picks up a stone and throws it. It smacks against the wall of the barn and then settles on the floor, in the dirt.
‘He said he thought you looked like you were gonna kill yourself. I had to find you. Just to make sure.’
Gary looks up at me. He blushes. He doesn’t say anything. He looks hurt. He looks like he could cry. ‘Is that what you thought I’d do?’ he asks. ‘Did you think I’d kill myself?’
I look away from him, at the ground. ‘No!’ I say. ‘I didn’t. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just . . . I didn’t know what to think. Knaggs made it sound like you were about to slit your wrists or something. I just wanted to make sure you were safe, that’s all. I was worried about you. There’s nothing wrong with that.’
He takes a deep breath, puts his head in his hands. ‘Why does everyone think I’m fucked in the head?’ he says. He looks up, across the barn. He shakes his head. ‘Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am.’
‘You’re not, Gary,’ I say. ‘Listen, I didn’t think you would. I was worried, that’s all. Knaggs made it sound like you’d lost it. I’m sorry, my head’s a bit fuzzy today.’
Gary shakes his head. He rubs his face with his hands.
I’m not handling this right. Everything I say makes it sound like I think Gary’s some weirdo. And I don’t think that. I take a deep breath, start again. ‘Knaggs said you hit him. He said you ran away from school. He said you looked really pissed off, like you’d do something stupid. I couldn’t tell if he was taking the piss or not.’
Gary shrugs.
‘I called your house. Your dad said he hadn’t seen you, said that he was looking for you . . .’
Gary looks up. ‘You spoke to my dad?’
I nod.
‘Why?’
‘I was looking for you.’
‘What did he say?’
I scratch my head, try and think it through. I don’t want to say the wrong thing here. I’ve said enough wrong things already. ‘Nothing else. He just said to tell you that he was looking for you as well. That’s all.’
Gary nods his head really slowly. He looks down at the ground.
‘Are you all right, Gary? Are you in trouble with your dad or something?’
He doesn’t answer. He just screws up his face like he’s in pain. And then he sits there, sighing, making his fingers into a fist and then releasing them again.
It’s quiet in the barn. I can hear a few birds twittering. The sun’s out now. It’s shining in through the front of the barn and through a couple of gaps in the roof tiles. I get up, walk around, look around. Gary is still leaning against the tractor wheel. In my pocket I can feel the keys. I’d almost forgotten about them. I take them out and turn them round and round in my hand. I look at the badge on the fob.
‘Hey, Gary,’ I say. ‘Look what I found last night, in my pocket.’ I go and crouch in front of him, hold the keys out for him to look at.
Gary stares at them. His eyes kind of light up. ‘Where’d you find them?’
‘They were on the wall in the farmhouse. I must have picked them up yesterday and forgot to put them back.’
There’s a smile on Gary’s face. His eyes are fixed on the keys. ‘You know what they’re for, don’t you?’
‘Tractor keys,’ I say. ‘Will you help me put them back in the house? I don’t wanna get in trouble for stealing them.’
Gary holds out his hand. ‘Give them here a sec.’
I pass the keys over. I’m glad to be rid of them.
He holds them in his hands, holds them up to his face and examines them, like they’re a precious diamond and not a tatty old set of keys. He tosses them up into the air and then catches them. ‘I’ve just had an idea,’ he says.
‘What?’
Gary doesn’t answer. He gets up from the ground and climbs up into the tractor. He smiles at me.
I stand up to get a better look at what he’s doing.
Gary puts one of the keys into the tractor ignition and turns it. The engine coughs as it tries to start. It splutters and dies.
‘Gary? Stop messing around. Let’s go and put the keys back before someone notices they’ve gone.’
He turns the key again. The engine whirrs then splutters again. Then nothing.
‘Gary, what are you doing?’
Gary turns the key again. The tractor whines and coughs. ‘Start, you bugger, start!’ he shouts. The engine splutters and then bursts into life. Gary looks at me and smiles.
‘Gary,’ I shout. ‘Stop messing about! Can we just put the keys back? This place is making me nervous. You’re making m
e nervous . . .’
Gary shakes his head. He’s still smiling. But he looks a bit mad. ‘Jump in!’ he shouts.
I look around the field. No one’s here. No one’s watching. I could just get in, drive around the fields with him. But what if someone does see? How are we gonna explain this away? I shake my head.
The smile fades from Gary’s face. ‘Come on, Zoë,’ he says. ‘I know how to drive it. No one’ll see us. Just round the field.’
I sigh. I look down at the ground. And then I look up at Gary’s face again. He smiles.
‘Once round the field and then we put the keys back?’ I say.
Gary smiles. He nods.
I climb up into the tractor and sit beside him. This is a bad idea, I know it. This is a really stupid thing to do. But next to me, Gary’s grinning like a kid in a sweet shop. He puts the tractor in gear, puts his foot on the accelerator, and off we go.
The tractor wobbles out of the barn. Gary looks at me and smiles this manic grin. I don’t think I’ve seen his face look like that before. It would be nice, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve stolen a tractor and my safety is in his hands.
He takes us out into the field. His eyes are fixed ahead now, really concentrating. But this doesn’t feel right. If someone sees us we’re in loads of trouble.
‘I don’t think we should be doing this, Gary,’ I say. ‘What if someone sees us?’
Gary doesn’t take his eyes off the field in front. ‘Relax, Zoë,’ he says. ‘We aren’t gonna go on any roads. It ain’t against the law to drive a tractor in a field.’
I snort with laughter. But I don’t think this is very funny. ‘We stole the bloody tractor, Gary!’ I say. ‘That’s against the law!’
Gary laughs. ‘That ain’t stealing, really. That was Henry’s tractor and he’s dead. Lazy bugger didn’t leave a will, so no one owns it now. I think he’da wanted me to drive it!’
‘Will you stop the tractor now, please, Gary?’ I say.
But Gary ignores me, turns the wheel and steers round an old trailer. I’m starting to panic. What on earth am I gonna do about this? Someone’s gonna notice us, they’re bound to. And then what’ll happen? I’ll get a bloody criminal record and Mum and Dad’ll never let me out of the house again. Jesus!
Inside My Head Page 11
