by Les Wood
‘But it’s hard to tell if they are, right? They pretty much look the same to me.’
‘Not to us,’ said John. ‘A casual observer couldn’t tell them apart maybe, but...’
‘That’s good enough for me,’ said Boddice. ‘And you’ve not got any others? On your back? Your chest? The crack of your arse?’
Campbell and John looked at each other. ‘No, sleeves only. This is it,’ Campbell said. He frowned. ‘Why are you asking this?’
‘I just needed to be certain.’ Boddice checked the pathways, made sure there was no-one else who could hear him. ‘For this to work, I need you to become one person.’
The twins frowned. ‘One person?’ Campbell said. ‘What do you mean?’
Boddice chuckled. ‘I want each of you to be able to pass yourself off as the other,’ he said.
‘Well, that’s easy,’ said John. ‘We’re bloody identical twins, aren’t we? Christ, even our maw had a tough time tellin us apart.’ Was the man mad?
‘Ah don’t think he means just that, John,’ said Campbell. ‘It’s not just the looking like each other is it?’
‘No indeed,’ said Boddice. ‘It’s much more than that, much harder in fact. I want you to be able to become each other, act like each other, talk like each other. Transform yourselves into a new, single person. One individual. No-one must be able to tell you are two people. That’s why I needed to check your arms.’
John furrowed his brows, shook his head. ‘Look Mr Boddice,’ he said. ‘Ah know Ah’m not exactly Brainiac here, but Ah’m confused to fuck. What the hell do ye mean? Of course folk’ll be able to tell we’re two people. They’ll see us!’
‘Ahhh, but that’s where you’re wrong!’ said Boddice. ‘They’ll only ever see one of you at a time.’
‘Why?’ asked Campbell.
Boddice sighed. He looked at John and raised an eyebrow. ‘This is getting too difficult to explain easily, so I’ll cut to the chase. As part of the plan you’re going to get a job at Trusdale and Needham, a security job.’
‘A job?’ Campbell cut in. ‘What about Two’s Tattoos?’
‘History,’ Boddice replied. ‘Wind it up, clear out the shop.’
‘What?’ said John. ‘We’ve worked years to get that—’
‘Forget it,’ said Boddice. ‘It’s in the past. When this is finished, you’ll never need to work again.’
John continued to protest. ‘Aye, but—’
‘I said forget it!’ Boddice looked round, making sure no-one had noticed his outburst. He dropped his voice. ‘Don’t fucking argue with me. That’s the way it’s going to be. Deal with it.’
Campbell squeezed John’s elbow. ‘Don’t worry about him, Mr Boddice,’ he said. ‘He doesn’t mean anything by it.’
Boddice grabbed John’s lapels, pulled him up close. ‘Understand me son,’ he said. ‘Don’t even think about jeopardising this fucking job with stupid ideas about your daft wee tattoo parlour, cos if you do I’ll pluck your fucking eyeballs out and replace them with your nadgers. Got it?’
Campbell could see tears start in John’s eyes. He pulled him back from Boddice’s grip. ‘It’s okay Mr Boddice,’ he said. ‘He’s got it. Don’t bother about him.’
Boddice glowered at the both of them. ‘Listen up the two of you, this is how it’s going to be, and I don’t want any fucking arguments, right?’
John brought out a tissue and wiped his eyes. Campbell held tight to his arm. ‘Agreed,’ Campbell said. ‘Just tell us what you want us to do.’
Boddice smoothed down his coat, composed himself. ‘As I said, you will get a security job at Trusdale and Needham, working all shifts. You will integrate yourself into the store, become one of the lads, a hard worker, dependable, nothing too much trouble for you. People will like you, respect you. And then, when the time comes, you will be our key to the door. It’ll be you who gets us inside to take the diamond.’
‘What one of us is gonnae do all that?’ John asked cautiously.
‘Both of you.’
‘Both?’
‘Exactly.You will both do the same job, day and day about. Twin one goes in on the first day, twin two on the next, and so on. Every night you’ll feed back to the other what happened during the course of the day’s events. Over the months, you’ll both become familiar with the job: the protocols and procedures, the people and the places, what happens where and when. And as far as everyone else is concerned, it’s just one person they’re working beside.’
‘So why the both of us?’ asked Campbell. ‘I don’t see the point of that.’
Boddice gave a resigned shake of the head, a schoolteacher dealing with the class dunderhead. Campbell felt his teeth grit. ‘Because,’ Boddice said, ‘when we take the diamond, you will be someplace else. Making sure you’re seen. Being very prominent indeed. And at the same time, you’ll be in the store, helping us steal the diamond. You will, in essence, be your own alibi.’
Campbell went to say something, but couldn’t think of the exact words to use. It was John who spoke. ‘That’s brilliant,’ he said. ‘We’ll be in two places at the one time. Nobody’ll suspect it was me... eh, him... Ah mean, us!’
‘You see,’ said Boddice. ‘There now, the boy’s a brainiac right enough!’ John beamed with pleasure, glad to be back in Boddice’s good books.
‘How long will it take, all this set-up?’ asked Campbell. ‘Ah mean, this sort of thing doesn’t happen overnight. We’d need to—’
‘The diamond goes on display at the beginning of April,’ Boddice said. ‘For five weeks. That gives you at least three months.’
‘Only if we start in January that is,’ said Campbell.
‘Which you’ll do,’ Boddice replied.
The twins shot each other a look. ‘Eh?’ said John. ‘What, next month?’
‘That’s what I implied by my last remark, yes.’
‘But... but what about landing the job, you know, interviews and stuff?’ asked Campbell. ‘We can’t just ponce our way into that kinda thing. We would—’
‘It’s all arranged,’ said Boddice. ‘The job’s set up. It’s yours already. Everything’s taken care of. That’s how pivotal you are to the plan. You’re expected on January the fifth. Right in at the deep end in fact. All those crazy fuckers out to get a so-called bargain in the sales, taking no prisoners. You’ll love it.’
‘But how...?’
‘Never mind that. Connections, that’s all. You’ll see soon enough what I’ve been up to.’
‘But what do we do, just turn up on the day?’ asked John.
‘Exactly that, son. Uniform and everything will be ready and waiting.’ Boddice paused, ran his hand over the back of the bench. ‘That’s assuming you pass the test, of course,’ he added.
‘Test? What test?’ said Campbell.
‘Oh bugger,’ said John. ‘Ah’m shite at tests.’
Boddice began cracking his knuckles absentmindedly. ‘As I said earlier, I need you both to be able to pass yourself off as the other in order for this whole thing to work. If there’s a single smidgen of doubt in the mind of anyone you’ll be working alongside, the entire project is immediately in trouble. All it would need is some guy to see through what you’re up to and we’d be fucked.’
‘And we’d be more than fucked,’ added Campbell.
‘Indeed,’ said Boddice. ‘Which is why, before we enter into this, before we commit ourselves to all this hard work, I’ve decided to set you a test to see if it’ll work.’
‘What sort of test?’ said Campbell.
‘One that will replicate the situation at Trusdale and Needham. It’s very simple. We’ve got a couple of weeks before you’re due to start at the store. By the end of this week I want you both to set each other a task, some scam or scenario you instigate yourself, with no involvement of the other, only you. And it’s important you don’t let each other know what it is beforehand. It’s then going to be up to each of you to carry on with that task in the guise of
your brother, entirely left up to your own devices, no help, clues or advice from the other one, interacting and dealing with whatever third parties are involved. We’ll see then if you can manage to pull it off successfully.’
The twins looked at each other. What the hell was all this about? Boddice had cracked. Tests? Tasks? This was the sort of stuff you got in some third-rate reality television show. It wasn’t something drug dealers in Glasgow usually entertained. Campbell began to wonder if maybe they would have been better to have politely declined the opportunity to take part in the robbery. Perhaps John had been right to be apprehensive all along – his instincts were certainly basic, but usually sound.
No, that was stupid.
Stupid, stupid.
They both knew what Boddice was like. They were trapped. Whether Boddice was mad or not, he knew now they had no option but to go along for the ride.
Boddice went on, ‘In fact, it could be a wee bit of fun, eh boys? Bit of a laugh?’ He held up a finger. ‘Wait, I’ve just thought of something. I want... I want you to write down your scam on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. We’ll have a wee handover ceremony later in the week, just the three of us, unveil the secret. And, I tell you what,’ Boddice rubbed his hands, grinning, ‘I don’t want to know what it is you have to do till after the event. You can let me know how it all went after it’s done.’
That confirmed it for Campbell; Boddice had lost the plot. Unless... unless it was all a joke. Maybe that was it. Boddice was just yanking their chain, seeing how far he could go with them.
‘I can tell you think I’m off my head,’ Boddice said, making Campbell flinch. Had Boddice read his mind? ‘I’ll admit it’s all a bit theatrical, melodramatic even, but there’s a serious side to it too. This is the very thing that might just save you from a long stay in the Big House, bed and board for a few years.’ His face hardened. ‘Just indulge me in this, alright?’
‘Whatever you say Mr Boddice,’ said John. Campbell nodded.
‘Fine, that’s that sorted then,’ said Boddice. ‘Now, if you boys have got nothing else to add, I’m off to see Boag. He’s another one who’s got an important part to play.’ He hitched his coat, beckoned for McLean to bring the Lexus over. ‘You know, it’s funny... Usually, it’s Kyle and Prentice who do the difficult stuff for me, all that hard-man grief we need to dish out, but this time it’s you wee guys who are going to be in the driving seat. Who’d have thought it?’
McLean drew up and jumped out to open the door for Boddice. He slid into the passenger seat, closed the door and wound down the window. ‘Remember, boys,’ he said as he fastened his seatbelt. ‘Later this week. McLean will let you know where. Have your tasks ready for each other. Sealed envelopes and all that.’ The twins nodded their agreement as the car reversed to the main gate and slipped out into the traffic.
Campbell watched the car as it sped into the distance. ‘Fuck’s sake,’ he said when it had disappeared. ‘That’s us, eh?’
‘What do ye mean?’
‘You heard him. ‘You wee guys.' That’s me and you. That’s where we stand in the great scheme of things. Wee guys. How’s that supposed to make you feel? Does that not put your gas at a peep?’
‘Ah never paid too much attention, Ah was too busy thinking about the tasks thing.’
‘Aye, and what a load of shite that is. Can you believe it? Secret tasks. Ah ask ye.’
‘Ah don’t know,’ said John. ‘Sounds kinda good fun right enough. Should be easy.’
‘Good fun? Easy? Listen, John. You’d better do this properly. If we just give this lip-service, Boddice’ll know. He’ll go nuts.’
‘Ah know, Ah know,’ John protested. ‘Don’t pish yer pants, Ah’ll give ye something hard, don’t worry.’
‘Hang on,’ said Campbell. ‘Not so hard that it’s gonnae be impossible to do. Do it properly, but do it fair.’
‘Aye, aye, whatever. Anyway, Ah think Ah know already what Ah’ll get ye to do.’
‘Already?’
‘Yup.’
Campbell pouted. ‘Very good. Well, keep it to yourself till we meet up with Boddice.’
John stood with his hands in his pockets, scuffing his feet on the gravel path. ‘Campbell?’ he asked.
Campbell heard the catch in John’s voice. ‘What?’
‘What about the shop? Ah like the parlour. Ah don’t want to give it up. Seven months is a long time.’
‘Ah know, but it doesn’t look as if we’ve any option does it?’
‘Ah suppose not.’
‘Wait and see. Ah’ll think of somethin. Maybe we could just say it’s temporarily shut for refurbishment.’
‘But what about the rent? How will we pay that?’
Campbell clipped John’s ear. ‘Ya muppet. Boddice is the fucking landlord. Ah don’t think he’s gonnae mind us going into arrears for a bit.’
John rubbed his ear. ‘Ye never know,’ he said. ‘Ah was just thinking, that’s all.’
Campbell started walking towards the gate. ‘Are you coming? Ye’ve put it into my mind now. We should go back to the shop right away, start getting things in order. Tidy up after yesterday.’
John hurried after him. ‘Campbell?’
‘What now?’
‘Ah could eat a scabby-heided wean.’
‘Eh?’
‘Or a horse between two mattresses.’
‘What the hell are ye talking about?’
‘Ah’m starving.’
‘Well, ye should’ve had some breakfast then, shouldn’t ye?’
‘But Ah did. Beans and microchips... and some Lidl Crusti Crocs.
Campbell rolled his eyes. ‘For fuck’s sake.’
‘And another thing,’ said John.
‘What?’
‘We didn’t ask Boddice about the time.’
‘The time?’
‘Aye,’ said John. ‘What he meant by the back of two.’
He just had time to dodge Campbell’s kick.
Army Dreamers
Boag sat on the steps outside the old Cardenhall library, fidgeting with a little notebook Boddice had given him earlier that morning.
He hated being alone with Boddice. It didn’t happen often: once when his old man was banged up and Boddice came over to ‘see him right’, and again when he’d fucked up a delivery, taken it to the wrong address at the wrong time. He’d had the full force of Boddice’s wrath then.
Usually, it was McLean who relayed instructions. But this time was different. Boddice wanted to deal with him personally, had actually been pleasant, giving Boag a couple of hundred pounds to buy new clothes, get himself fixed up a bit. This on top of being put up in one of Boddice’s Southside rental flats, with arrangements in place for him to stay there for the foreseeable future, all expenses paid. It was the first time in months Boag had a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in. Not that Boag regarded these luxuries as a gift. Somehow or other, he knew he’d be paying it back.
But the thing that was really making Boag anxious was Boddice’s attitude. He’d been… the only word Boag could think of to describe it was, ingratiating. Falling over himself to be nice, praising Boag, and expressing his admiration at the way Boag had kept body and soul together in such difficult circumstances. Boddice even apologised for not being in touch recently, and for letting Boag slip through the net when it came to dishing out the work.
Boag wasn’t fooled for a minute. Boddice wasn’t a very good actor – charm and warmth had never been his thing, and Boag knew the mister-nice-guy performance was meant to soften him up. It had the opposite effect – Boag became more and more apprehensive, sensing that something he wasn’t going to like was coming up. Sitting on the library steps, his stomach tightened and his jaws ached from constant clenching. He could feel a fluttering ripple of nausea rising in anticipation.
He thought of the old woman’s lighter nestling in his back pocket. He had high hopes last night that she was right all along, that the damned thing was lucky, tha
t his life might be about to change – this morning’s events were not the sort of luck he had in mind, however.
It was the Army.
That was what had stirred Boddice’s interest. Boag hadn’t wanted to talk about it; it was years ago, but Boddice knew anyway – the dishonourable discharge, the court martial.
The accident.
Or, to be more accurate, the prank.
And that’s what it had been: a joke that went wrong. Nothing more, nothing less. As far as Boag was concerned, it was all in the past. Christ, he’d been punished enough – the DD on his record made it virtually impossible to get any sort of job. But for Boddice, it was what made him ideal for the Plan. Boag had wondered why he was of such sudden interest. Now he knew.
Boag wasn’t even an explosives expert – he was an electronics technician; for the first time in his life he’d found something he was good at, which he enjoyed. It was the other two – Christ, he couldn’t even remember their names – who were the munitions guys, who had the access to the detonators, the concussion charges. Just a couple of other grunts who shared the same dorm, like himself a few months into basic training, not yet seen any combat action. They just needed him to provide the electronics to set the charges off. Why the Christ he’d allowed himself to be persuaded to take part, he couldn’t answer; why he hadn’t stopped to think that sabotaging a cannon demonstration at a passing out ceremony would be a pretty dumb stunt hadn’t crossed his mind either. He had simply thought it would be a good laugh. A good story to tell the lads down the pub. The intention had been to produce a bigger bang, make the bigwigs jump. That was all. The outcome had been rather different – there had been the bigger bang alright, but perhaps just a bit bigger than they had anticipated. The dignitaries and officials shat a brick, and Colonel Morrice had the ignominious distinction of swearing rather inventively in front of some government bigwigs. What the hell had he been thinking? It was an idiotic practical joke in the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Boag cringed to think about it.
The army top brass didn’t cringe though – Boag and his fellow conspirators’ feet didn’t touch the ground. Three months in military prison and the dishonourable discharge.
